"People of the Lie"

To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it.

Excerpts from "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck

Peck goes on to delineate the face of evil, to show what evil looks like. His contention is that evil does not often look like what we expect; those who are most evil will often appear most “together” or wholesome at first glance. The picture he draws of evil people is all too familiar to the child raised in such a home as he delineates the “evil personality disorder”:



A proposed new scientific definition of evil




In addition to the abrogation of responsibilities characterizing all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by: (a) consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle. (b) excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury. c) pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives. d) intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic-like disturbance of thinking at times of stress. But to get such a classification is probably not realistic. In that regard, it is noteworthy how difficult it is to examine evil people in depth, because it is their nature to avoid the light. Denying their imperfection, the evil flee both self-examination and any situation in which they might be closely examined by others.

Creating a sick society


The denial of their own suffering is, in fact, a better definition of illness than its acceptance. The evil deny the suffering of their guilt, the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and their imperfection by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. They cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil. They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What possesses them, drives them? Basically it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror and a suffering so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. We can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.


 Pride and Arrogance


Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that church scholars have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection – a kind of smug self-righteous pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." The failure of the evil to define themselves as disordered is an essential, integral component of their condition. What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years, psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly -- even grossly -- narcissistic in one way or another, but are not evil. All that can be said at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, can only be vaguely surmised. The utter failure to submit oneself to reality is the extreme state of narcissism, narcissism in its ultimate form, oblivious to certain essential dimensions of reality. Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture. Narcissists have only what Martin Buber calls, "I-I relationships." They exercise a strange sort of political power, that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion, in order to prevent individual spiritual growth.



Evil could have been defined most simply as the use of political power to destroy others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of own' s sick self. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Most people fail in the art of living, not because they are inherently bad or because they so much without will that they cannot lead a better life; they fail because they do not wake up and see when they stand at a fork in the road and have to decide. They are not aware when life asks them a question, and when they still have alternative answers. Then with each step along the wrong road it becomes increasingly difficult for them to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they must go back to the first wrong turn, and must accept the fact that they have wasted energy and time. Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process, that we are not created evil or forced to be evil, but we become evil slowly ove r time through a long series of choices. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." Characteristic of the evil is that theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy.We can see, then, that their narcissism makes the evil dangerous, not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others, but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the evil needing victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it can give them the motive for murder, so it also can render them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all. Each of us is unique. Except in the mystical frame of reference, we are all separate entities. Our uniqueness makes each of us an "I entity," providing each of us with a separate identity. There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealing with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of, and a prerequisite for mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. The evil fail to make those distinctions.

The Subtlety of Evil


One respect in which it is difficult to explain about evil is its subtlety. Evil sometimes will manifest itself obviously. In Dr. Peck's book, The People of the Lie, he described parents with two sons, whose oldest boy committed suicide. They subsequently gave the very rifle that boy used to end his life as a birthday gift to his younger brother. There, evil showed itself as quite apparent, but it rarely does so. More commonly, evil's manifestations are seemingly ordinary, superficially normal, and even apparently rational. Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors, either to others or to themselves. It is not without reason that the serpent is renowned for his subtlety. It is exceedingly rare, therefore, that we can pass judgment on a person as being evil after observing a single act; instead, our judgment must be made on the basis of a whole pattern of acts as well as their manner and style. There is something basically incomprehensible about evil. But if not incomprehensible, it is characteristically inscrutable . The evil always hide their motives with lies. Wherever there is evil, there's a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies. Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. The pretense of the evil is designed at least as much to deceive themselves as others. A child can emotionally survive only by virtue of a massive fortification of its psyche. While such fortifications or psychological defenses are essential to its survival through childhood, they inevitably distort or compromise its life as an adult


Dedication to a Self-image of Perfection


The evil are utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. They often dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words “image,” “appearance,” and “outwardly” are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.” Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong.



We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden. We come now to a sort of paradox. Evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At once and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness (or attempting to redefine their evil as good). The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it. Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances, the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light – the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of the truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence.



Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation, required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied. It often happens that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can sometimes be perceived before the misdeed that it was designed to hide, the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. However, because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? Evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.


Scapegoating, a key characteristic


A predominant characteristic of the behavior of the evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. Definition: Scapegoat - an innocent accused and forced to take blame. And more significant, one who is the object of irrational hostility. Scapegoating works through a mechanism which psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that while they are in conflict with the world, they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.



Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people who can be designated as evil are invariably chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil will attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our own imperfection. Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil which they identify as in others. The problem is that they misplace the locos of the evil. Instead of destroying others, they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As their life experience and actions are subjected to examination by others, such exposure will often threaten their self-image of perfection, and they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying those person's lives, usually in the name or righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, an evil person who "scapegoats" must lash out at anyone who does reproach them.


Familial evil -- the genesis of narcissism




Evil seems to run in families. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents: Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic (such as the enduring the experiences of sexual abuse), it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles -- themselves symbols of evil -- in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaught of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil -- or some of it -- as a kind of psychological gargoylism.

You Beat Me Because Of Your Adultery?

I believe my mother and step-father purposely did these terrible things in an effort to cover up how they originally met.  It seems that nobody is honest about how my step-father slithered into our lives.  Somehow his kids feel that my mother and their father had some romantic affair and met on the up and up.  In reality it was very, very different.  I was thinking about it today and remembering how repulsed I was when he went from being the babysitter to being my step-father. 

They had had a lurid affair behind the back of my father.  The congregation was aware that my step-father and mother were spending much to much time together.  In fact, they were very much against the divorce, telling me recently that they were against the affair from the start.  My step-father moved into my world after my mother had started her church, so it was not a very Christian thing to do with my mother being the Pastor.

I feel as if all of the abuse I suffered at his hands, with the approval of my mother was done so that I could not tell of how they had been sleeping together before my father had even left the house.  I remember my step-father, the hired help, he would come into the house and my mother and he would just go up to the master bedroom and fuck all day. It wasn't like this was the first time that this had happened.  It did prove to be the last time that it happened. I wonder if he beat me the way he did because I knew the inside story so to speak.  I was the only child not in school.

It is so ridiculous because all the money that they have now, came before my step-father was even in the picture.  In fact, I remember one of the congregational members said to my mother that her money was meant to go to me and not to his children.  This was supposed to have  happened because of the trauma I had suffered prior to his appearance in the family.  I did not have a very good childhood and she wanted her money to be put towards me to protect me from anything bad happening to me later in my life.  It was a very generous thing to have done for me, I was very grateful. 

Nothing ever worked out for me, it all was for not in the end.  However it is frustrating to know that later in life this persons Will was changed again by my mother and step-father.  She was apparently bullied into it when she was older and could not defend herself like I had seen her do as a child.

My life has been so difficult to live.  No matter what I do to move on from all of what has happened, my mother and step-father have crippled me with what they have done and continue to do.  When is enough, enough with these people. Wouldn't it be sad if they did all of this destruction to me as an adult to cover-up the sex and the money transactions that I witnessed.  I mean who would really want the pastors of their church to be adultery's and con artists.  Could their paranoia of the truth being told have caused them to wipe out my life five years?  Do you think covering up the lurid affair they had while he was meant to have just been the British Nanny would have caused them to destroy me yet again? I was just wondering about all of this today.

It is said that a Malignant Narcissist will go after her adult child's children to further destroy her daughter.  It happened to me five years ago. People have done more to cover-up their sorted past, so I guess I am fortunate to be alive.  I know that I have been very careful with myself because of all of their threats when I was a child, I still have nightmares of my step-father killing me and my children.  Wouldn't it be sad if they planned all of the beatings in a hope that I would  just remember a miserable life (the one that the kind person I spoke of was trying to help me out with) and not to remember how they would fuck all day behind the locked bedroom door, giggling while my father was at work and my siblings were at school.  Can you imagine what kind of people would ruin a girls life further just to protect their reputation with the public?

I can, I am, the scape goat daughter.

Quiet Please. Recording

 

Stand proud!!

Allow your posture to be your Voice!!

Then your words can be your grace!!

Remember,

Silence is golden, until is broken,

that is when you go Platinum!!

This is our heritage,

Freedom is priceless

and

will cost you everything

with

no promises.

Exorcism Thriving In U.S., Say Experts

By Oliver Libaw
Sept. 11
The devil must be busier than ever in the new millennium.

Exorcism, the ancient rite of casting out Satan and his demons from the souls of the possessed, is thriving in America and was long before recent revelations that Mother Teresa underwent one and Pope John Paul II performed them.

"It is a big phenomenon," J. Gordon Melton, a Methodist minister who directs the Institute for the Study of American Religion, says of exorcisms in the United States.

"There is a lot of exorcism going on."

What many might consider an archaic and obscure rite has been front-page news this year.

Last week, the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry Sebastian D'Souza, announced that he ordered an exorcism performed on Mother Teresa before she died in 1997.

D'Souza said he thought the Nobel Peace Prize-winning nun possibly was being attacked by the devil, and asked a priest to exorcise it.

Mother Teresa is not the only prominent Catholic figure linked to exorcism.

Italian media reported that Pope John Paul II attempted to exorcise evil spirits from a 19-year-old Italian woman last year, although the Vatican said he only blessed her.

The Roman Catholic Church's chief exorcist said the woman displayed superhuman strength, and that the pope's efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit.

Closer to home, exorcism is increasingly widespread, experts say.

Different Denominations, Hundreds of Exorcists

"Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before," writes Michael Cuneo, a sociologist at Fordham University, in his newly published book, American Exorcism.

Cuneo suggests that though the hit book and movie The Exorcist brought the subject national attention in the 1970s, exorcism has grown more popular in the past two decades.

The Catholic Church has at least 10 official exorcists around the United States, nine more than a decade ago, Cuneo says. He found them reporting the kind of bizarre supernatural behavior featured in movies: levitation, mysterious scars and wounds that might form pictures or spell out hateful words, and more.

The church remains extremely cautious in approving the procedure. The vast majority of exorcisms today are performed by a variety of protestant religions, Cuneo and other experts say.

"By conservative estimates, there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many," he writes, in addition to numerous exorcisms performed by charismatic, Pentecostal and other brands of Christianity.

From Screams and Vomit to Quiet Prayer

Some involve tying people to chairs and then trying to scream the demons out of them; others retch and curse while writhing on the floor. Some are more like therapy sessions, where counselor-exorcists discuss demons of lust and guilt along with traditional mental health concerns.

Roman Catholic exorcisms are elaborate, carefully planned rituals that take hours to complete. They can involve holy water, crucifixes, and sacred ruins, as laid out by the De Exorcismus et supplicationibus quibusdam, an updated exorcism manual approved by Pope John Paul II in 1998.

"There's an actual formula," says Father Joseph Scerbo, a Roman Catholic priest who heads the Association of Christian Therapists. Scerbo says actual demonic possession is extremely rare, and many may use the term incorrectly to apply to demonic affliction, which is less serious.

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Sept. 11

Scerbo doubts Mother Teresa was the victim of full-fledged demonic possession and in need of an exorcism.

In contrast to Roman Catholic ritual, many protestant exorcisms are straightforward and may not appear much different from a normal prayer service.

"We would not see it as any elaborate ritual," says the Rev. J.R. Hall, editor of the Pentecostal Herald and member of the United Pentecostal Church. He says an exorcism might involve nothing more than prayer and laying hands on the afflicted.

Many conservative protestants see the devil as an active force in the everyday lives of people, and feel that exorcism is the natural way to deal with it. They might undergo several exorcisms — also called a "deliverance" — a month.

New Age religions also have their own brand of exorcism, believing that spirits of the dead and other supernatural creatures routinely interfere with and sometimes possess the living, and must be told to leave.

Possession vs. Mental Illness: How Can You Tell?

Like many protestant groups, United Pentecostal Church members believe the Holy Spirit gives them the power of "divination" — to sense when a demon is afflicting someone.

Many people might be violent, depressed, or irreligious without any supernatural involvement.

"Through the Holy Spirit, you can tell it's more," says Hall of genuine cases of possession.

Pastor Steven Waterhouse, an evangelical Christian who heads the Westcliff Bible Church in Amarillo, Texas, has written about the differences between mental illness and possession.

"I think there are such things as demon influence but I think it's rare," he says.

"People are too quick to diagnose demons. Human nature is plenty evil on its own."

Amateur Exorcisms Linked to Deaths

Exorcism has caused a number of real-world tragedies over the years, including several deaths.

Pentecostal ministers in San Francisco pummeled a woman to death in 1995, as they tried to drive out her demons.

In 1997, a Korean Christian woman was stomped to death in Glendale, Calif., and in the Bronx section of New York City, a 5-year-old girl died after being forced to swallow a mixture containing ammonia and vinegar and having her mouth taped shut.

In 1998, a 17-year-old girl in Sayville, N.Y., was suffocated by her mother with a plastic bag, in an effort to destroy a demon inside her.

Cuneo reports that a Wisconsin woman successfully sued her psychiatrist in 1997, after he diagnosed her as diabolically possessed, and having 126 personalities, including the bride of Satan and a duck. The experience left her suicidal, she claimed.

Overall, many involved in exorcism say the prayers and rituals involved are safe and may offer some comfort to true believers who are not actually afflicted by demons.

"If it's real to the person, you have to take it seriously," says Eddie Gibbs, an Anglican priest and professor at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. "I do believe that there is an intelligence behind evil," he insists.

But, he cautions: "We mustn't be gullible."

The Darkness Of The Day

My best friend committed suicide over what happened to us as children.  He told his parents that he could not take the fear.  I was thinking about him today.  I was thinking about how hard we fought as children to get through the most terrifing of times together just to end up dead in the end.  It seems so unfair.

If I don't confront my fears or what is haunting me then I will not be that far behind him.  There is such a thin line between finding the room to express yourself and becoming swollowed up whole by what happened to you.  Flashbacks are very difficult to deal with in your life.  I do not believe that people understand how crippling they are to your everyday existence. Maybe it is because you cannot see them.  It is difficult to see into a broken brain. Flashbacks strike at will and you never know what will trigger them, so you are cautious of everything.  I have found that when they consume me I try and relax, allowing them to run there course.  Sometimes I will write my way out of them, hence all the spelling or grammatical errors you will run across if you read my stuff or get an email in the middle of one, sorry.  I have tried a lot of different things to stop the flashback but nothing really seems to work.  It seems that when your mind wants to relive a situation that whether you are in agreement or not, your mind does it regardless.  No matter your schedule or your whereabouts.  I have tried to show patience with myself but the frustration of the situation sometimes gets the best of me.

Today I am stuck in this one continual re-run in my head.  Davy and I were in the Church Building  on O'farrel and Divisadero Streets.  We were waiting for the morning service to begin. We were coming out of one of the side rooms into the entrance hall of the church.  My mother was walking towards us with several people following her.  I looked over to Dave and immediately grabbed his hand.  I turned out of the way while still holding onto his hand because I knew what was coming next and I would try to hold onto him as long as possible.  What comes next just disturbs me to no end.  I hate that I am playing this video over and over again in my head. He sees my mother and projectile vomits across the entry hall.  The vomit flys so far that on several occasions it would hit my mother.  It was so gross, I cannot even begin to tell you how discusting this was to experience.  The worse part has yet to come.  They would grab him, yanking him out of my hand.  They would scream and yell, casting demons out of him.  I was always pushed and shoved out of the way.  There was nothing I could do once the confrontation began, I felt so helpless. It happened so many times that my mother made him carry a bucket around all of the time.  One particular time that this happened, he was made to eat the vomit.  On the day that this happened I began vomiting too. 

These times in my life are etched into my memory and now it plays like a movie for reasons that make no sense to me.  All it proceeds to do is remind me of the cruelty and abuse we suffered through.  The frustration that I suffer with all of this stored up information just continues because there is no good way to look at any of these things that took place.  The on-set of flashbacks in my life are causing me to be flustered with myself.  What is it that my mind is trying to tell me?  What lesson have I not learned?

I feel that if I do not stand against the abuse  that has happened in my life then somehow I am giving a thumbs up to what took place.

I Was Followed

The temptation of the lies

I watched and then I cried

As they ripped away at my sides

I stood and didn't die!

How easily a Narcissist creates

what they need and never gave

lessons in a cover-up

No truth was taught, Umbrella bought

as lights shine in their home.

Publicly they trend

to undo my mend

Speaking half-truths so this may end

just to attack me once again.

Hidden men, Lurking woman

Paranoia drives this madness!

Confessional from a member then

"I followed you for them."

Scary thought, of this I know

Caught them once and had to go

Difference lies in the truth he told

Made me know I wasn't old.

"Sixteen"

It was mean!

It is one thing to wonder, When?

It is something to see, Then?

Ask them the question, Why?

and you'll be beat for their lie.

Countenance must be my try

Habits never die

listing.

Ruined Life

It's Mine!

With the torn down self-esteem

The destroyed child's dream

The loveless marriages

I will not redeem

I make a solid sound

Standing with my dignity

I never waiver long

My strength is my song

The lyrics are my life

I'm sorry for the strife

A ruined life is what it is

I never questioned this

Why do you insist

That I must measure this?

My life is my own

Ruined and at home

I build from what is left

Be it sticks or be it stones

I've always been alone

To share or to speak

On subjects that may creep

Inside your soul and mind

Proves that it is time

To never give it up

It's Mine!



Time Will Tell

Wicked is back!

Get the rack.

Find the cross!

Bare my weight tonight.

Nightmares come down the walk.

Tick! Talk!

As the clock bell tolls,

I prepare,

for night time hauls.

Will I survive this? Crap!

I am the one!

The kid that will never go back.

Watch out I will ruin you,

I am evil too.

I hate all your sexual desires,

your orgies and you're liars!

Do you still do that?

Pictures prove even the simple facts.

Death Sings

Why?

Must I see what upsets me?

My father? My brother? Bother my mind.

It is no recent discovery of mine.

All I know is that I was smothered.

I tried to go but I froze.

Looking upon your body is wrong!

Yelling and screaming over my head.

That is when I realized I was dead.

Blanket stares were not so long,

as I watched death pick-me up wrong!

I was not there to hear his song.

Jumping back I realized,

I had not feet to land upon.

In seconds flat, I did come back,

my breath I held, just to gasp!

The next time happened with regular instance.

My brother so angry, his eyes were glass.

Terror does reach a new and heightened path.

I can't read! I can't help myself.

I cry in silence, they can't hear.

Without yourself noise deafens.

To walk through your death,

becomes nothing more than light to me.

Sadness, terror and fright sank in,

deep within my cells.

My body, heart and soul don't need,

for sight became encompassing.

It set within my mind,

it tailed me from behind,

No Help! No Love!

No Peace! No Dream!

My life was over but not yet done.

The torture had really only just begun.

No one would know my empty home,

my soul, my heart, doth roam!

To give away so it never strayed,

was best to do that day.

I gave to one while hiding from,

the people claiming rights.

It was so easy,

to see the pleasing,

of Entity's not known.

Off I'd go, at every show,

of Father and the like.

It's proven now, that blood lines hold,

the evil and the known.

So break your ties!

Stand up for rights!

Pleasure is not here.

For after-life, when death doth know,

your name and not your fight.

Don't cry to me,

 'cause mystery is known.

You better be accountable,

for more than just your own.

Otherwise, you'll just tell lies,

and truth will be unknown.

Pain Runs Deep

Within my body soul,

I go the course.

Overwhelmingly hurt!

I strain to get air.

Smothered by lies,

covered by secrets.

I cannot even dare

to stand without judgement.

I stare!!

Know Lies

The past is our lesson,

The present our teacher,
Future is an adventure!

Learn by our lessons.

Receive the education.

Change the future.

Happiness lies in our hearts.

Explore the depths.

Shine a light into your cave.

Know that hope will spring from the hands

that sew your tomorrows!!

Speaking Out Against Abuse!

I have read some opinions of others on the Google Blogs about speaking or not speaking of past abuse.  The consensus of everyday people seems to be that we should not speak out about the abuse we have suffered in our lives.  I have been told that I should move on, putting all of the pain down and worrying about a good job, a nice home and building a better life.  It sounds so all American I almost want to go and have a slice of Apple Pie.

I am not certain if the layman is aware of how difficult it is to speak on our own accord.  In many cases, such as my own, it takes us years and quiet a bit of suffering more abuse from our families to finally push us into defending our lives.  This often comes about when we have hit the end of the road and are completely fed up with the treatment that we receive from the abusers. 

I experienced being traumatized yet again by my mothers constant barrage into my life.  She would leave 25 to 30 messages on my answering machine in a matter of 3 to 4 hours.  This would go on until I finally would answer the phone.  This would happen at home or at work. If I happened to be a work during one these episodes the calls would come in at the same rate.  In fact my mother respected nothing at all  in my life.  My family would run me down and say that I was "Poor white trash" or call me a "Hick."  I owned my own home in Sacramento, I had a beautiful pool, a lovely car and I paid my bills all by myself. I did all of this just like a normal person would do. 

It seems to be an abusers position to continue to abuse regardless of how hard you try to turn and walk the other way in your life.  My mother told me that I was such a good Pagan.  I was a little shocked at her brash words but I had come to accept the insults as everyday communication from her.  The pain that comes from these comments lingers with you as you march on in your life.  You can try to excuse them or you can try to ignore them, no matter what you attempt to do with the rudeness of this or any other human being, it has a tendency to stay with you.  Especially when you are confused about love and how it is shown to you.  I only knew her abusive attention as the love that she showed to me.  So it has taken me years and years to finally come to the decision that I need to stop the abuse because even though it is love to me, it is destroying me at the same time.

The question really comes down to nothing more than Why?  Why are we meant to be quiet and not defend ourselves from these monsters in our lives?  Why are we meant to turn a blind eye to the damages they do to other people?  Why can they say whatever they please and people will say, "Oh, but they will never change."?  Why are we encouraged to walk away again and again, yet never encouraged to stay and fight for our dignity?  Why?

I did have a good job. I supported myself and my children.  I will work again, I was just hurt very badly on the job.  In fact my lawyer is working very hard to get me the back pay from the years that the Workers Compensation Company did not pay me.  Had they continued to pay me while I was getting better I would not be in the situation that I am currently.  But, such is life, no one said that it would be easy. 

As I fell further down this rabbit hole I found that the events from my past became undeniable.  Each day they began to haunt me more and more.  I am sorry that my family chose to be so cruel to me in the past few years, for they are the reason that I have decided to speak up.  Had they never attacked my life again I would have allowed this all to fall by the way side, as I have always done.  However, a person can only sustain themselves for so long before the dam begins to crumble and then eventually break.  The hammering of my mother and family upon my life must stop. The only way to stop an abuser is by standing and saying in a public venue, "Stop abusing me."  It seems that if you do not do this publicly they, in the collective sense, think they are getting away with all the abuse.  The abuse must end.

Speaking out on a Google Blog is a very difficult and scary thing to do.  This is the beginning and I am very grateful to Google for providing me with a venue to speak my mind freely. To make this extremely big decision in your life is very intimidating at first.  I was always told that I would be killed if I ever spoke out against my family and what they have done.  I believed them, I didn't question what they had told me so long ago.  When I first began to blog, I shook with fear.  I was sure somehow that I would just drop dead at any moment during my blogging.  The fear and the horror of this reality is felt throughout my body.  It is almost as if my very cell structure has been immersed in their words and threats.  All of what has happened to me in my life, is soaked into me that way.  My step-father beat it into me so that I would never forget and I have not ever forgotten.  Abusers don't stop when you are 18 years old.  Abusers never stop at all.  So for all the layman that believe we can just heal and move forward, that is a beautiful thought and/or statement.  Sadly, many of us have done that with our lives and as we were going along we were attacked again by the same abusers. Nothing stops a Narcissist, a Malignant Narcissist or better known in the medical field a Sociopath from continuing what they want to do.  They will do anything and everything to keep you from being at peace in your life.  This is a well-known fact.

The other statement provided to me by my step-father in my adult life was, "Nobody will believe you!"  I think that this is the biggest fear that we, as the adult children of these abusers seem to face.  When the decision is made to finally speak on what has happened to us, this simple statement that my step-father made such a point to ram down my throat has been considered.  I know for myself that I never questioned people believing me or not, contrary to what my step-father had ever said.  All anyone would have to do in my case is to go and meet my family.  In fact I am often told that my mother will never change.  I do know this to be a fact.  This is why I am not going to step-aside or put down the past for a future that will never happen as long as these monsters continue to do as the please, when they please in my life.  I have always felt that if and when I ever decided to speak-out against my mother and it came down to believability of one or the other one of us, that the issue only lies in the laps of the people that just judge and do not take the time to go and meet her in person or investigate the members of her congregation.  I know that two of the Church Members were going to appear on the Montel Williams show about Cults.  So I know that it would not take much of an investigation on any one persons part to realize that there is trouble in this family.   My story is not known and so my blogging is just a simple way to express myself.  So whether one would believe me or not, it would never be an issue for me because I do not plan to go to court and press charges for all that I have suffered.

I enjoy a community on this Google Blog that supports one another and is part of the plight on standing against abuse.  This community supports one another without having to say, "Prove it."  Those words seem to spill from the mouths of the idiots and ignoramus in the World.  I don't have to prove that my best friend committed suicide.  He did.  It is a fact.  He could no longer stand the growing fear inside him as it began to afflict him more and more each day.  That is something that I can relate with very strongly.  Stop the abuse!  It is unkind and cruel to do in the first place, let alone continue to do to you as an adult, it is torture to hold yourself above these daily attacks.  Stop the abuse! 

If we do not stand and promote healthy lifestyles for ourselves, who will?  Who will stand and stop these people from the continued abuse on our lives.  Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Enablers  don't stop on their own accord.  Learning to stand against what Society believes we should do is difficult enough, but when we are faced with the continued slaughter of our lives behind the backs of the very people that believe we should turn the other cheek, it becomes insurmountable.  I know that as each of our stories are told by us, the pressure to stop speaking out on abuse becomes greater for each and everyone of us that stands against the norm.  The best pay back, as it is so eloquently said by many people, is not to keep going and becoming successful.  I did that in my life and I never felt peace from doing what Society said that I should do, just move on.  I know that the best pay back is to know that there is nothing owed by me and that there is no one to pay back at all.  I know that the best decision for my life is to stand up and say, "Stop the Abuse!"  I cannot do that in silence. I can only do that with an audible voice and the strength that comes from within myself to stand against evil regardless of the cost.


http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/07/stop-abuse.html

Love, The Meaning To Life

As we struggle to regain our composure in life after the full blown narcissistic attack from the people that swear they care for us, I wonder?  What is Love?  I was never wanted in my life and therefore never loved.  A well guarded secret until a few years ago when my shrink Kilgore looked at me after having extremely strong words with my mother and said, "You have never been loved, have you?"  I burst into tears. What he had said was so far from left field that it took my breath away.  As I gasped to regain any sense of self I nodded no to his question.  I looked at him in a blank repose.

Never in my life had anyone ever even hinted around this well hidden fact, let alone just blurted it out.  Even as I write my heart begins to ache at the thought of the loneliness that I have experienced in the silence of this secret. As you know I spent several years trying to get back to see Dr. Kilgore.  During this time I spent much of my time wondering how he could know such a fact.  He was so matter of fact about his statement to me.  What he had said did follow some very harsh words to my mother about being in between my ex-husband and I.  He also told her to tell my little sister to get out of my life completely and to stop phoning and making arrangements with my ex-husband.  But, I was so thrown off guard when he said it to me that even today I think about the fact that I had had such a huge guard up.

To hide such a horrible secret about yourself throughout your life made you look suspicious to others sometimes.  I think about my interactions with people and I think about how difficult it was to look and act normal.  I had taught myself through the use of television growing-up what the proper responses were in everyday conversations, but what you may not realize is that love is much more relevant to human interaction than you may think.  It is almost the main staple in the ingredients of any type of interactions.  You would really be surprised how often the word is used as well. "I love this restaurant!"  "I love these jeans."  I love this movie."  All of which sounds harmless until you think about the fact that it is a constant reminder of the one thing you are missing that is meant to make you human.

I have always felt like a learning robot.  I tried to take the human emotion out of myself so that I would not be so easily hurt by someone just saying something in passing.  Everything that people said was indeed harmless, they never knew that it evoked such strong emotion in me.  I on the other hand had worked very hard not to react.  The closest comparison I can make to what I am saying so that you may understand a little better is as follows.  Imagine never being taught to duck out of the way.  It is similar to that in the sense that someone would be talking and they would say "Duck," and you just stood there.  Wham!, you would be knocked out by whatever was headed your way.  Well it is like getting the "Wham." I was constantly knocked back by the use of the word.  It was just a reminder everyday of what I had been missing so badly in my life.

The damage that a mother can do to you as a child or as an infant is sad and irreversible.  No matter how hard you try to undo or to educate yourself or to grow thicker skin, the pain of your introduction into this world stays with you.  Never did I think that anyone would ever know that I was so lacking. I almost felt as if my right to even exist should be terminated because I didn't know what love is the way that you all seem to feel and know it.  I had to learn to say the word so that I blended more with society. However, I know that what I feel and what I see others feel is very different. 

I used to stare at my mother growing-up.  I used to try to see or understand why her feelings towards my siblings was so different than the way that she treated me.  She treated me with coldness and indifference to my very existence in the household.  As if I was an emotionless drone.  I would stare and wonder what I had done wrong to be treated so differently all of the time.  I would study her inter-actions with my siblings and try to repeat them so that I  might experience the same reaction from her.  It was always to no avail. Sadly I was well aware that I was not loved from a very young age.  Truthfully I never remember being or feeling loved.  I always felt as if I was the Cinderella of the family and that they would just like it better if I disappeared and was never around again.  A picture of me a sixteen tells the story even better than I could.  Sadness would fill me and I would cry inside.  I could never understand why I was so different, so unlovable. I still look back and wonder the same thing, Why?

I cry.