Written In 2001. I Wish......

A path that has never made itself clear to me has determined my whole life. As an adult I have been consumed by taking care of my children. On this day, when all of my children are gone, I miss them. It is confusing, lonely and my life is thrown off track. My children are the best little people on earth. Confident intelligent, attractive, well spoken. I miss them so much. My loneliness is painful, I can taste it. As I gaze at the photographs, my heart is torn to pieces. The ache of not having all of my offspring near me is a pain that I cannot describe. It does not matter how far they go, I carry each of them with me.

I know that what I believe and trust in will watch over my children with a very special eye. An eye that is specially reserved for those who are not so easily swayed by worldly beliefs and religions. I believe my children hold inside of them the key to open any door that they wish to explore. It is a key kept in a safe place, a key for peace and a key for satisfaction. A nonjudgmental spot for me and for them. They will take destiny and change it to what they desire. If I would wish anything for my children, I would wish for them to know happiness and that they will never experience loneliness.

For The Sake Of Clarity

The letters that I posted yesterday were rough drafts and I never did anything with them.  If they have mistakes, be it spelling or grammatical, I apologize.  I never did edit either one of them and I have only read them once or twice myself.  I had no intention of sending them so I left them as they were when I wrote them. I shared them because of my experiences with other people. I thought that it was awful that I was told a demon had spoken through me to write them and I found that I have finally had enough of the judgement that seems to come my way so readily from others.  I do not believe myself to be demonic, but, if I am, then so be it.  It is Gods will and I accept my lot in life.

I would just like to say to Sarah that your repeated comments to me over the years have finally disturbed me enough to speak on the subject.  To say to your sister as she enters a room each time, "Look the spawn of Satan has arrived," is devious and full of malice.  I find that you have adopted the ways of our mother for reasons I do not know because if the rolls were reversed with you and I you may find that what you have said is hurtful and cruel.  I pity you and I hope that you find peace in your life so that you do not have to take out on others the maliciousness you must feel towards yourself. You have taken the responsibility of being an Aunt to my children and flushed it down the toilet.  You are responsible for taking them out drinking before they have even reached the age of 21 years old.  That is blatant disregard for the welfare of a minor.  You were and are wrong to have done this with any one of my children.  I hope that someone besides myself holds you responsible for the corruption of a child. You were not only there senior but their direct blood relation.  To encourage such behavior in a minor is reprehensible and you should be held to task for such a disgraceful act. Shame on you for doing such a thing and shame on you for what you have said to me in the presence of all my children for so many years.  You have damaged them for no reason other than to say what you please, when you please.  I do not believe that I am the Spawn of Satan, but maybe out of the mouth confession was made about yourself.  Evil runs in families, families like ours.  This has become a very sad state of affairs for everyone concerned. I am sorry for you and sadden by all of your actions towards my four children. 

Actually,It Is A Little Scary To Think..............

I went to a local church and after only three visits I was told that I was having a demon speak through me.  I did not realize that I had gone to an Evangelical Ministry.  The name on the outside was innocent enough and I thought the church itself was very cute with its steeple.  It reminded me of my Grandparents which spurred the adventure in the first place.  I thought that I would face my fears of my past and all of the religious abuse.

I had an interesting talk with a person that believes in the power of casting out demons.  In fact he wrote a "How to" book. 

It was given to me to read and so I did.  I found it interesting that his experience for such a thing did not come from studying on the subject at a Seminary, but rather the hands on approach during something called "The Jesus Movement."  Oddly enough this movement took place in the late sixties finally dying out in the early eighties, as per Wikipedia.  Not knowing that it was also the "Jesus Freaks" I stayed and talked to he and his wife. 

I in turn gave him a letter to read that I had written for my mother five years ago.  I explained it is actually two letters that I just put together.  He said that he would read it and we would talk again. 

I returned for the third time for a mid-week meeting.  At the end of the meeting I asked him what he thought of what I had written.  I told him that I worry sometimes because people have told me that I am evil and it really bothers me.  I went on to say that I was very angry when I originally wrote the letter but I did not feel that it was at all satanic or demonic.  He looked at me and told me, "There is not a mind from this earth that could have written such a thing."  I said "Excuse me?"  He said, "That nobody could have written this letter that is from Earth."  He went on to say that his wife had read it also and agreed with him.  She asked, "Have you given this to your mother yet?"  I told her that I had not because it seemed kind of stupid because it was so out there and I sort of laughed, they did not share my humor.  So I asked, "What are you trying to say? Who are you saying wrote this? You know I wrote this."  He said, "It is a demon inside of you speaking."  I stopped and stared.  I said nothing and I began to leave.  He said, "We have to go right now and cannot speak anymore of this but if you come back then on Sunday night we will pray for you."  I didn't  say anything, I barely acknowledged what he had said to me.  I just went back home.  My feelings were terribly hurt.

My next visit to my shrink I told him what had happened and he was rather disgusted.  He said that the next time we met we would begin to go over this letter together.  Last Thursday at is office in the city, we went sentence by sentence and I had the most fun I have had in absolutely forever.  Although I found that I was being embarrassed again and again by him.  He would read one sentence and say,"This is brilliant, you are absolutely amazing."  I don't think that I have ever had that many compliments in my entire life, let alone in an hours time, it was really fun.  He said that he was really enjoying himself as well.  We only were able to get through three pages of the letter before he marked the page in the book I had given him saying, "We will stop here and keep going next week, I think that this is really helping you."  It was.

I have not been back to that church and I have no intention of saying anything to the Pastor and his wife.  It is sad to think that in just three meetings with a stranger that a minister of the bible would condemn you so harshly by saying that you are essentially being demonized.  That could strike such fear into some people and they may be sucked into such a congregation that way.  I pity people of such beliefs and I am sorry that a Pastor of a church is so full of himself he feels liberated enough to cast such opinions onto a virtual stranger that is just visiting his ministry for some well needed support in their life.

I believe that my psychiatrist is a dear man and his insight has been wonderful.  He has healed me from thinking that what I have written is just stupid.  He thinks that I am a brilliant writer.  I love it! Someone likes what I have to say and how I have to say it. I am going to post the letter here for you to read, as I am sure you may be curious as to why a Pastor would say such a heinous thing to me.  I did try to explain to the Pastor and his wife that this was the way they spoke to me growing up. 

I will separate the two letters for you.  Understand that I wrote the first letter, read it and said to myself "This is stupid I can't send this dumb letter, nobody will understand it."  I tried again with the same result, so I quit, never sending anything to my mother at all.  I just left it where it was between the two us.  I kept the letters because I thought they were really good and said everything perfectly, if you can understand something written a century or two ago, LOL.  Kilgore told me, "There is really good works written from that era."  I laughed and so did he, with an approving nod over my letter.

It was very cruel what this Pastor said to me.  I am from this world and I did write this in good faith.  To say that a mind from this World could not have written this hurt me in a tremendous manner.  It is as if he is saying that I am an idiot.  I grew up feeling like this and was treated with the same type of cruelty when I tried to write anything.  I was always run down and treated like I was a stupid.  It became frustrating and I was careful not to write much of anything.  As you read these two letters, please understand that they used terms like "Laws of the Jungle," "Divine Laws," "Eternal Rights," "Law and Order," "Scapegoat," "Undivided attention," "Powers to be," "Natural Laws," and other such terms all the time in daily conversation.  I did not think that I would be judged so harshly by others when I had shared these two letters with the few people that I  have let read them. The reaction of horror and insults came from them saying that I must be insane to use the words that I have chosen to use in expressing my rage and that what I have written makes no sense at all. I feel so much better that Dr. Kilgore seems to differ in his opinion, he said that it made a lot of sense. I wish you had been in our last session, it was so funny listening to somebody read this crazy letter to me and pay me compliments on how I chose to express myself, saying that it was amazing.

Warning! It is extremely complex or thick in its nature, I am not sure how to prepare you for such a thing, it is certainly not something that you read everyday. It did start out, "Dear Mom," but I left that part off, it looked stupid. You'll see what I mean in just a minute.

{This is exactly what I gave the Pastor of that church to read.  I thought you were meant to go to church to be cared for and understood, regardless.  Not condemned and judged for something like this.  I am officially done with the church thing.  I think Christians are self-proclaimed idiots. You can read more on this ministry at http://www.earthenvesseljournal.com/archive/issue01/serial/Cast_Out_Demons/cast_out_demons%2001.html}

My Letter. "Dear Mother,"

Rough drafts, never sent.

I am the white flame of the fire, which burns the color of purity. I pay homage to the miracle of my creation. My development and freedom from hypocrisy has been celebrated and witnessed. I have played a slow, even tempo, which has been ideal for guiding, leading and revealing the path that I have followed for my life. My trust in the unknown has been rewarded to me, by becoming the known. I understand the Laws of the Divine. The gifts that have been bestowed upon me are priceless and without measure. My Key has been revealed, I have unlocked my door, I have found Forgiveness my lesson and I revel in the Peace of Understanding.

I forgive all your wrongdoings and intolerance; I am now impartial, impersonal, and detached from all of your emotions. I surrender and I am drawing to a close, your selfishness, ugliness and lack of compassion, which has been so offensive to me. The Divine plan requires me to have faith and live on higher ground. I will testify to the wisdom of Spiritual Law. I am now conscience of the needs of humankind. By choosing to live with a higher purpose, my talents will allow me to bring this together with completion and no allowance for interpretation. I am a living testimony; it does not matter what my adversaries have done to annihilate my very existence and survival. My anchor for self-preservation has transformed the horrid memories and visions of the tortuous, manipulative abuse of power and influence over unsuspecting lives, both known and unknown, into a positive reaction that evoked forgiveness, not resentment. My sensitivity, perception, and innate ability to listen to a Higher Guidance will ensure the integrity of the message remains intact. My vision of this message will be delivered with planning and the execution of a master swordsman. The principles, ideals and wisdom of this message will focus the minds, which choose to release their compulsions and evoke their eternal right for peace, understanding and opportunities for positive growth.



Creation welcomed me at my conception, a child of Joy and Sweetness, a delightful daughter, full of the most Natural and True abilities. I have kindled the flame that ignited within me. My unusual amount of self-understanding and the ability to see through the emotional and physical barrage of attacks, created as diversions, had no power or ability to hide, mask or erase the truth. I have had to be wise beyond my years, my honesty entitled me to have dominion over the world, which is filled with frightened, cowering, roaming lives. I have delved in to my childhood, I am no longer filled with terror. Anger is not needed to preserve myself from attack. My eyes received enlightenment, my ears perceived the truth, I have separated the entangled web of your deceit. I have found my bottom, my place, and it is clean, strong and ready to sustain the weight of the building, which shall be my life. I embrace my heritage; I found this etched on my soul. Creation has clothed me in substance, sustained me, blessed me and ensured that no man foul my purity. My mind dwells in anticipation of the delightful tickle of the wisdom, which I have been graced.



I have been protected by the very power that awakened you, to the joy of your re-birth. At your birth the gates flew open and you entered into a celebration that freed your conscious mind. Your relentless pursuit of those who failed to see your delight and awaken to your invitation, a gift that you would bestow, ended. This has delivered despair and agony to your door. You have only begun to realize that the brilliant enlightenment and uplifting satisfaction you desired has been the imagination of your life. You have walked amongst those which you despise and bear deceit for their beings. The beauty in your mind and body shall perish in blindness and despair.



You did not seek the knowledge of those that know. You did not listen to those that spoke the words. Nor, did you respect the Laws of the Land. Creation is our Mother; we are all invited to revel in the warmth and we to one another. Each and every one of us that has accepted her gift has received a pact of everlasting devotion. You did not heed Creation, instead you wrapped yourself in a cloak of self. Filled with secrets and with your unyielding loyalty to your deceiving warmth, you turned away from your Self and Natural Laws. Although you break the Laws of the Land, the Laws with an even tighter grip bind you. You have raised your right hand, given an oath, receiving all that which that oath has entitled. You swore mindlessness; you went out amongst the world and shouted your acclaim. You have discarded yourself and willingly choose Pleasure and Pain to exist. You choose your death with your oath and accepted life. You received and embraced enlightenment. You did this of your own accord, without cause for any other that yourself. You were not coerced, nor were you tricked, your ambition for desire, signed and sealed your Fate.



Creation filled me with the physical, mental and emotional instincts to ensure my self-preservation while under your watch. My Anger was aroused when you turned your Ambition on to me, with the oath as your guide; you brought a full on attack to my Heart, my Mind and my Soul. My Anger protected me from your relentless attempts to destroy that which Creation had been so kind to deliver to me. My recognition that my Anger had been aroused to protect me in an effort of self-preservation, allowed me to release my anger, let go of the very emotion that I held for so long and I held with a death grip. I am free of the terrors and no longer need to arouse the emotion that has had to be so diligent and readily available to call upon in my life.



However, the wrong cannot go without being addressed, even in defeat, Honor is dangerous but must be carried out, for this is the honorable thing to do. You choose a path to save Righteousness based on your Natural Instincts. You joined your Spiritual and Carnal Natures, watched while they merged with one another. You did this so that you would achieve greater enlightenment. To your Horror and in your self-deceit, with ambition as an instinct for self-preservation, you discovered that you, yourself, are only Carnal and you always were. You either had to hate yourself to death or revel and rejoice in exactly what you are. The feeble attempts you made to scourge yourself, were never more than reprieves you enjoyed while willingly accepting and recognizing the importance of sustaining faith in a lie. Then you had to rationalize sustaining faith in the truth. This is a primitive thought; this did not spur awareness into your mind, nor did this ignorant, pathetic process, which you willingly submitted yourself, bring, or add any substance to your being. Your faith in lies has diminished, the brilliant, blinding flame you once reveled in the glory of, it has lost its ability to breath and burns black with the impurities of mind and soul. The gradual decline, over the true test “Time” has enabled all who have protected my purity and innocence to reveal to me the understanding, wisdom, forgiveness and compassion in which to honor you.



Creation does not need an invention, audience, or court from mankind to invoke Natural Law, nor does she judge or punish by-proxy. This is not the time to spur “Hope” and “Prayer” for your redemption, these are simply indicative of the apprehension and fear inside yourself. Creation has based her judgment and therein punishment on the Action and Reaction of the choice’s you have made. There will be no Middle Ground found in this scenario, for middle ground is just another term you commonly here, called “FATE”. You have sealed your Fate with the action of your very instinct for self-preservation, your Ambition.



You have confessed to me your inabilities and sins against the Natural Laws of Motherhood. To clear your conscience and free yourself to break the laws and terrorize me yet again, you just continue the attack. You have committed wrongs and in this testimony of yours would mean that your genuine acknowledgement to me that you had made a mistake would have had to mean that you were truly sorry about what you had done. This would have taught you lessons along the way and you would have taken care not to do it again. Instead, you have not been honestly sorry about anything and acknowledged to yourself you would continue again and again to terrorize me. You had no business confessing and asking forgiveness in the first place. Your own lack of consistency in this matter has revealed your hidden agenda. Your scorn for my very existence and continued life has you consumed with animosity, which must be released on me from you daily. Your disguise of prayer or praying for me has only been nothing more than a bargain-basement anger that is decidedly shoddy and inferior in quality. Your own admission on a daily basis of you having to “pray for your enemies” provides total confirmation and true meaning to this ignorant backwards thought.



God is all-powerful and in turn all forgiving, your faith and belief that all transgressions here on earth will be forgiven, the Devine power of such a blessing lies in his hands not yours. Therefore you have reveled in your own iniquities, love of self and allegiance to your oath of enlightenment, with no regard. However, your belief that forgiveness will be at hand when you call, and the oath of contradiction blinded you with hypocritical self-deceit, this is why you have never achieved peace of mind. Every being or entity, good or evil has a job, you assumed in your ignorance that this loophole freed you and in reality it not only bound you but also consumed your very being. God is all-powerful and will forgive the transgressions of those that sin knowingly. However, you should have been aware of the power of Creation, herself, the Mother to us all. She employs the power to give us the strength to pull the heavens down and from the crumbling remains use their shards to build an idol or erect a monument to satisfy our own Devine indulgence, defining our true nobility for thought and action. To employ such abandoned power for strength and choice, she must balance the Core of Creation with the wisdom and freedom from the perception of right and wrong, good and evil applying to her actions and therefore the reaction, which brings an End to a Means. God being the creator of all; God recognized his compassion towards the weakness of man this would prove to be their own destruction, ending in extinction. Being Just and Fair, God employed Creation to ensure that his compassion was felt by mankind but did not stop the progression of Creation by accepting inadequacies that mankind created as a result of their own compulsions. God did not want to stand in the way of the Natural Extinction of an infested soul and mind that succumbed to Carnal Desire without regard or consequence to their actions. Your enlightenment to yourself and desires were fool hardy when measured against the All-Knowing, All-Powerful God of Heavens, Earth, all that has been and all that will be for eternity.

I am speaking in tongues that require no translation to be understood. I have not called upon the “Powers to Be” to invoke the protection or justification of the meaning and implications of this message. Creation herself delivered me to you, she encompassed my mind, heart, soul and my very being with spiritual gifts to make me highly sensitive to intuition and the extrasensory perception to know the world of higher guidance. My core has been filled and comforted since the day of my birth with the celestial beings she sent to care and protect me from the realities of life and all that would encompass my ability to deliver this message of Spiritual Law. She provided the balance needed to survive in this world of violence, negativity, materialism and personal gratification. Knowing the journey would be taxing emotionally, mentally, and physically, she instilled the fire and solemnized her gift by etching the design of the fuel onto my soul ,I must filter and fine-tune myself in order to remember my origin. By design, I elevated my consciousness toward living with a spiritual awareness. The heightened state of awareness made it very difficult to accept the surroundings of my youth. My pioneering spirit has driven me with absolute determination to find the truth. The journey has been a fine line between survival and self-destruction. The acceptance of my gifts for intuitive understanding and spiritual truths, delivered the ability to grow and find stability. I have learned to live with faith. My peace was made with myself and my gratitude will be everlasting.

This is my second attempt at a letter to my mother, it didn't work out any better than the first one.  It is as if they crippled me with my verse.  I quit the entire campaign of trying to communicate with her after I wrote this letter.  It was fruitless to try again.  I felt as if I would never get my point across.

Shame on you.

You are my mother, but from here on out I will call you out by any name of your own choosing. You are full to the brim of hypocritical self-deceit. Your conscience acknowledgement of your own self-proclaimed mastery of all that you have become is the epitome of an ignoramus. Your oath to yourself and gifts bestowed upon yourself are the actual design in the manifestation of death by-proxy and the inevitable extinction of your very being. Your everyday statement of announcing to me that I came from “Bad Genes” is in itself, your own proclamation from your own body, mind and soul. This is your cell structure, which you have spoken of all these years. “Out of the mouth confession is made”.

Your very core has insured, by-proxy, that which your spirit, mind, soul and body of your own self gratification, ugliness, lack of compassion, materialism, ambition to elevate yourself at the spiritual and financial cost of any being available to your beckoning, this will cease and desist. You are that which you have called others. Your cosmic phone has been cut off. You were billed and scoffed at the arrival of its price. This action has been an announcement to all; your ignorance in this matter is to be pitied. You have shown that pity is for the weak minded and those without moral conviction of spiritual law.

Your youth has been erased, happiness has become an illusion, pain is the only way you know and you are still here. The shell you are, is void of life, filled with emptiness, confused by imagination and not yet conscience that by your own design you created that which you abhor.



Your measurement of love, knowledge, understanding, wisdom and generosity has set the limits of that which is limitless, priceless and without measure. That which you embraced in yourself fouls you.



Shame on you!



The one’s you choose to “love” will deliver the greatest gift to you. In return for your training, dedication and living example of glorifying, “the one and only”, the debt that they owe you, will be paid with delightful, guiltless abandoned joy and freedom of will. This is all voluntary. They will not even have to divorce themselves from hypocritical self-deceit. The ones you have chosen to “measure” your “love”, and bestow that which you have accumulated through means of the unnamed. They will do exactly as they have been trained and charged in life, they will execute that which you have done.



Your success is their guide, their patience has been your measure, your ambition is their alarm clock, and the bell has begun to toll.



The respect that death invokes, the respect that would hold at bay the greed that waits, has bared witness to your impatience. Your robbery in this course of action has been noted; you have manipulated all, to receive inheritance’s that had rightful heirs. You have reveled in the design of greed under the pretense of ambition.



Shame on you!



Listen to these words, for the ones you have chosen to “love” will discount and dismiss my message.



There, in those voices, from the ones you found deserving to bestow yourself, which is the moment you will be smashed with undefiled wisdom. For now their indulgence will manifest itself to you, as their ambition will not be abstinent. You taught them well “Blessed are the powerful, they will be revered among the world, cursed are the feeble, old, sick, weak-minded, powerless, dying, for their time is measured and should be blotted out”.



You have paved the path; you will be at the very hand of those you indulged with life. By the means you taught them well, and they know death is the great abstinence. This in known to all as a “Dog eat dog”. Recognize their actions, intentions and words to you, for they are yours.



I will honor your memory by going out into the world and I will bear witness to all. “Love” has no measure, the more you willingly give, and the return for such a priceless gift shall be tenfold.



You have indulged and rejected abstinence with ingrates. These are the teachings of your past. But, you did not listen; it was indulgence, not compulsion. You are engulfed in the stagnant morass of yourself. The reverses that have beset you are no longer under your dominion and they will be unending from this time forth. Those you have chosen to measure your “love” no longer cherish you.



The pleasures you indulged will flow into anguish, as the fire in your marrow is rendered powerless. You are devoid of substance. Your ambition to marry Spiritual Nature with the Carnal Nature left you in a loveless marriage of an Ambitious Nature. Spiritual Law required you to divorce and to your horror, you were Carnal in the merge, always were, always will be. Do not fool yourself; your last days on earth are upon you. You have advertised and announced this message to the world. Your pride blinded you and your intellect did not reason, because the obvious was invisible. The gatherings I witnessed, as you blessed the Communion and Challis, filled with the Blood of the Lamb, this was your admission to your hidden agenda. This was an announcement of your half-truths. The Challis will be of any metal, but may not be gold. You praised that which you have become. You spoke “in tongue’s” praising his name. The pronunciation of your words sealed with your Hebrew lessons. The translation of such “tongue’s” you exalted did not belong to you, for that is sorcery. But you were not a Sorceress, only a mindless follower and you spoke in tongues that you memorized and full well new the translation, just as I do.



Shame on you!



May your days be full of that which you delivered unto others and with the power in which you convicted them. You have not abided by the Laws of the Land,



Spiritual Laws

Natural Laws



You are ruled and abide by the,



LAW OF THE JUNGLE.

Your lies and deceit built your throne. It will be assailed without pity, without regret, for under domination of a falsehood, no one can prosper. You enthroned a sanctified, privileged lie, a lie believed by everyone to be truth. That is the seed on the most dangerous delusion. A lie to be known as a half-truth, the lie that an intellectual person accepts as fact, the lie that has been inculcated upon me by you, this lie, your lie, is the most dangerous to contend against. Pestilence shall be your compulsion.



I, being of sound mind and body, I am now of the age of consent, accept the knowledge and wisdom bestowed upon my heart and soul. I release the anger, the anger that was an instinct for self-preservation against your relentless attacks. I forgive. I stand on the bedrock of this earth with true independence. Spiritual Law has risen in the midst of the web of entanglement that you spun as a disguise. I now name the one that shall not be named. He resides within you.



He silenced me as a child of joy and sweetness, a delightful daughter, full of natural and true abilities. Together “the named” and yourself have been Outed, Outed by the one you silenced with terror.



Shame on you!



I am free of hypocritical self-deceit. I embrace that which has been done to me and with the command of my Eternal Right, take dominion over diabolical indignation. With rationale, in the “eleventh hour”, sweeping aside pain, disappointment and resentment of the past. I restore Law & Order, Law of Harmony, Ministration and Peace. This is what shall reside here, from now until eternity. The double-edged sword which you have wheeled, no longer is yours to use but will remain as a symbol to you.

“The instinct for self-preservation is the driving force that is used for our own self-annihilation. This is the epitome of the double-edged sword.”

K.A.P. 

Buckling: You Know That Thing At The End Of A Belt

I just got born, almost torn.

To say the least,

I was not adorned.

They used to leave me

in the Hall or when I fall.

In between, they took this thing

putting it, buckling, snapping,

hurting me.

It kept there company clean.

But, buckling, they laid me in

so my feet would not do those things.

I just used to scream and scream.

Sensation!!! Frustration!!! Hitting!!!

I was not a bird,

not a duck,

not a dog who roughed it up.

Just a beast, who was teased.

I was the spawn of Satan see.

I often yawned,

when they came at me.

I used to tear, lie in fear,

I did not run away.

The buckles hurt, I often jerked

but where did they put my tears?

I cry somewhere,

often stare, 

and say.......the rain comes for me.

Sing a little song,

not very long,

Tulips, tulips, we all fall down.

All in monotone rehearse.

Loneliness Kills

The one thing that I never wanted my children to experience is loneliness.  I don't know a life without it and now neither does my daughter.  Thanks to the actions of my mother, she has been able to perpetuate the one thing that is not just lasting but extremely painful as well.  She has furthered her Malignant Narcissistic behaviour at an expense that she cannot pay.  I celebrate the future knowing that this grip on our lives will be broken by the exposure of the maliciousness towards her flesh and blood.  I know that I do not want my children to commit suicide over this travesty.  I know that so many have done this because of my mother and step-father. My mind reels with the nightmares of what I have witnessed them do to other human beings with no regard.  I walked in on a person when I was very young that had her head in the oven following a horrible encounter with my mother.  This is a very real and dangerous reality of mine.  The fact that these type of monsters do not like to lose, worries me terribly.  They will attempt to win at any expense.

My mother and I are still at War with one another and have been since my early childhood.  I will never give in to a person that proclaims she is God.  I will never pay 10% of my income as tithes to my parents because they have informed me that they are my pastors.  I will not give in to their continued threats in my life.  I will stand, all be it alone.  I have done this for as long as I can remember and I continue to win this battle against this monster, I am alive.  I have the comfort of knowing that regardless of what may take place in our lives my children know love, compassion, peace and safety.  My children and I were unable to be separated until this monster of a mother, Melba Meakin invaded my life once again.  She accused me of writing a book and said that she would destroy me and my children for exposing her and ruining her reputation.  This was five years ago. There was no book that had been written by anyone. 

This was paranoia of something that never happened.  It is just like when she hired the private investigators to hunt the ex-church members down to find out what they were saying about her.  I tried to contact a few of them several years ago and I was greeted with fright, saying, "Please don't tell your mother that you spoke to me or have my number."  The terror surrounding this situation is off the charts and is really not understood by the layman.  Being harassed and having your privacy invaded is earth shattering.  The concealed threats that I continue to receive are decidedly old.  Just as when I was a child being followed because they feared I would tell, I am now an adult knowing that old habits do not die hard but never die at all.  

I made a promise that cannot be broken, nor can I waiver in my execution of such a matter.  My daughter is is in pain and I post again what I found on her facebook page.  It is not what I need to do, it is when I need to do it.  She is an incredible girl and I love her for sharing such a beautiful song with me. 

NO! NO! NO!

I love this song, I will never forget anything.  Nor will I allow the constant gaslighting by Melba and Hugh Meakin to alter or bring into question the actual events of my life. 

The song below was posted on my youngest daughters facebook page, along with what I have written.  If you have been following my blog than you understand that Melba Meakin is a woman that needs to be understood and then held accountable for her malace and lack of morality.

A restraining order that Melba and Hugh Meakin put on me two and a half years ago, precludes me from contacting my children while they are at the home in San Francisco.  To believe that my daughter is having to experience my family of monsters making her feel that she is unable to love or be compassionate, is the last straw for me.  I hope that people can read and understand how cowardly, cold  and ignorant my mother is in her Malignant Narcissistic response to what was written by my daughter and her cousin. This is how she responds to her Grandchildren in public.  Just imagine what happens behind the closed doors.  It is not a pleasant experience.  If you cannot see that there is trouble here than I pity you.  

I have found out recently just as Upsi has discovered that my FOO is reading my blog.  I believe that the time for justice in this matter is close at hand. 

Maybe someday someone will recognize that Malignant Narcissists get worse with age, not better. I was the one that was not loved, not my daughter. There are repercussions when you write anything down and monsters find it like she has.  The repercussions happens in the privacy of the home where they live. Are you aware of that?  What a brave girl to write her feelings down so publicly. Where I could find, read and respond with eloquence and exactness.  Especially after they threw her cousin out on the street to live at only 16 years old.

Putting an end to this insanity is what I continue to fight for each day.  I feel as if I am walking a thin line, I must name these monsters to protect the ones that are writing there feelings down.  At the same time I am aware of the screaming and blaming that takes place in their home following such a post.  Remembering that speaking out against abuse is the only way to stop the madness, I keep writing. 

My children and I will recover. I will succeed in outing these monsters.  I will know justice in my life.

[Thank goodness for Facebook.  (I was just approved as a friend on my daughters page 10 or so days ago and I have not been able to speak to her in over a year.) Good job on communicating to me the reality so quickly and efficiently. Stand strong girls and keep on fighting for your lives.]



Written by my youngest daughter,

You know sometimes I dont think they realize I actully am capable of love and compassion.

Response by her cousin,

 its not that you arent capable of that. it is that, THEY do not know what the fuck LOVE and COMPASSION is. that is the truth.

Response by my daughter,

haha, that is probably absoluetly true... !! Love ya kelssay

 Response by my mother Melba Meakin,

Lauren, is there something I can help you with? Sounds like you've been misunderstood. As well, I'm so sorry to see language like the above comment, by Kelsey, used on your Facebook. Please let me know if I can help.

Song posted right before the above post. Posted by my daughter,

End Of The Pain

My mother, Melba Meakin and my step-father Hugh Meakin need to know that what they have done to me as a human being is not just wrong but heart wrenching.  You have taken a life and consciously destroyed it.  You have never been held to task for doing this to me until now.  Since I was a child I have been silent on this accord.  I will no longer silence myself because of the fear that you beat into me as a child.

I stand as the adult child of severe neglect and I protest to the laws that keep me from holding responsible the people that took my life from me for their own gain.  I will not falter in my campaign to speak for the innocent that are still under the rule of monsters.  Hear me World, Hear my Cry!!  You turned on me as a child, stand for me today and help me free my children from what has them in a prison of lies.

Gaslighting

Definition: To deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating their environment and tricking someone into believing that they are insane.


From Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.


The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, and the 1944 film adaption, in which a wife's concerns about the dimming of her house's gas lights are dismissed by her husband as the work of her imagination, when he has actually caused the lights to dim. His action is part of a wider pattern of deception in which the husband manipulates small elements of his wife's environment, and insists that she is mistaken or misremembering, hoping to drive her to insanity.


definition of gaslighting / definition of gaslight

by J. E. Brown

gaslighting:  A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.}

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.
Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter.

Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks "Don't you have a sense of humor?", that's gaslighting.
Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one's actions. Example: "I'm sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn't my intention." Translation: "You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can't, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I'd like you to believe." Unspoken Message: "My intention should change your actions (even though it didn't change mine)." This presupposes the reasoning "Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions." For more about this double standard, see Definition of Conceit. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/gaslighting.html .}

Roaring

I hope that you never suffer at the hands of a Malignant Narcissistic person. As an F.Y.I. they will never stop the attack on the offspring or the person that attacks back in silent repose.  However, I have developed the natural skills to defend myself. Nature has afforded me this small favor. We are not inept as the offspring of these monsters but rather have evolved in order to survive. We are the next generation, for better or for worse, nature has seen us through successfully. Just as evolution evolves over millions of years, we have progressed naturally in one generation in order to survive, not bad.  Do not dismiss us and do not deny us without reminding yourself first that we are the flesh and blood of monstrous creatures. Nature would not birth us to the very monster without preparing us to be the more intelligent and possibly the more deceitful of the two. This makes much more sense to me than thinking that we are incapable victims of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or step-parents. We are just horribly hurt. We can be wise in our actions before we too step forward with our own judgement on humanity. All be it skewed, it is not for lacking of trying to find and experience all the things that we are told collectively we are missing from ourselves. So while my peers enjoy a day at the beach or a pleasant vacation, I spend my days working through the reality that only a flashback can deliver to you in full. I am healing from the very real and abusive life that I have experienced. Not so I can go to the beach or on a vacation, never acknowledging the horrors of life. I am healing so that I can continue to move forward and move up the ladder of success to become the voice of the innocent. To expose to the public each and every person that never stops to do anything other than for themselves. If we are not here for any other reason than to pleasure our own selves with life, I then accept that gracefully, however I believe that people who think this thought are full of selfishness themselves.  What kind of judgement would you pass on them? I simply announce to whom may be interested, that the pleasure I get out of life is the free writing and the exposure of the person that is selfishly living the life of the lie. I enjoy telling you that I am excited today because I am still alive and did not have to think about the people that have committed suicide over my mother today. I enjoy telling you that I am pleased that I have survived so much and I really enjoy the fact that I can share the "Snuff" I experienced at a very young age that failed in its attempt to take my life.


I will or will not write a book about the terrors of my life, who knows and truthfully, who cares? By blatant disregard every person who reads or has heard my plea is responsible in this life to stop the pain and the strife caused by these monsters. I had one person tell me that I wrote a piece of poetry that has stuck in his head and caused him nightmares. He cannot get me off his mind. I write what comes to mind so that I can work out the anger and rage that I have towards the people that have harmed me and my children thus far. Why be silent anymore. The reason for silence is to protect the lives of others.  I have no one to protect anymore. It is now an open book. Destruction goes both ways in life. Some would say that by writing the wrongs committed against me or my children I am being destructive and vengeful. I don't feel this way, but I accept that opinion as fact. For I feel that lack of remorse, lack of pity, lack of compassion is more destructive to the daughter of a malignant narcissist than any other action can be ever. This is because it makes her mother right in the end. People are not worth your time, nor your care of their existence. When it is put so plainly, it must be like being kicked in the gut, but in truth you have no argument to stand by in this matter called WAR.

Undefined Reality, I Feel Exposed

The other day I met with somebody that I knew when I was eight years old.  She told me of this time that we had come back to my house and my step-father was there.  He grabbed me in front of her and took me into the other room where he beat me.  I was being beaten for getting "F's" on my report card from school, she said.

Three years ago I was in San Francisco eating breakfast at Louis out by Seal Rock with my step-father and mother.  My step-father felt compelled to tell me that he had never laid a hand on me.  I looked at him and asked him to repeat himself.  He said it again.  I just sat across the table and looked at him. My mother just sat there saying nothing.  It is odd that they would do this to me.  I know that he was trying to get a reaction out of me and I reacted more than I should have because my mother had that sinister smile on her face.  However, time bringing 20/20 to the situation, it shows to me that they have not forgotten at all what they have done to me as a couple.  In that I find a reason to celebrate as it concretes what I know has taken place in my life and now they are back tracking to cover themselves.  What troubles me and made me so angry at the time was the smile that my step-father had on his face as the words slipped through his lips and into the restaurant to be heard.  Almost as if he whispered the denial. 

For some very strange reason my parents seem to believe that if they say that they have never done anything bad or even questionable, than whatever they are speaking on just did not happen at all.   Well now they will have to deal with the fact that people are coming forward to say things about what has happened to me as a child.  Telling me, "I witnessed........!"  I wonder if they will tell them that they are liars?

I am finding hope today.  I believe that if my family is compelled to deny the past so openly, than I must go with this simple thought. Something must have happened to even mention it in the first place. If nothing happened than why bother to bring it up.  I think that this is what they refer to as "Gas Lighting."

I am getting closer and closer to exposing the lie. One day they will make a big mistake by saying openly what they have said to me in closed company. Who knows maybe somebody at the restaurant overheard them and thought, "How odd."  It is inevitable to be caught by your own lies.  Eventually what has happened will come to light, I just know it.  Too many secrets, too many lies to keep it all straight.  Maybe there will be a day that while trying to improve their reputation they will be speaking to the right person, instead of a coward who tucks their tail between their legs and runs away in fright of what was shared.  The intimidation from them still amazes me.  I don't understand how people turn and walk away from people who are obviously unkind and a danger to society.

So far people from my past have been randomly showing up and telling me one or more of the following things on the list below.  I guess that is good thing.  However I feel that it is a little to late to confess to the one who suffered at the hands of these people her entire life. I am really tired of the secrecy that they seem to perpetuate by telling me what I already know and ensuring that it is being said behind closed doors yet again. I feel as if I am in the middle of a fight and its not mine.  I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not that they have come forward to express themselves. It is rather uncomfortable, especially when they say not to tell anyone that they told me (i.e., my parents.)  To see other people in fear of my parents is odd but I kind of enjoy it in a sick way.

What do you think that they think will happen to them?

" Oh! WAIT! I know, I know!" 

They are worried my parents will go after them for outing what they have done to me.  That is how afraid people still are of my parents. They say that a Malignant Narcissist really doesn't hit full boar until you deny them their truth. If you do this to my parents they hit an entire new gear called, "Their undivided attention,"  all so they can go and destroy your life now.  I have seen them do that many times, to lots and lots of people over the years.  Hiring private investigators to find out all they need to know to destroy absolutely everything about you.  Ask the old members of the Church that are in hiding from them.

Here is the list of things I have been told so far. It is a little uncomfortable to know that so many other people know the following, I feel naked in front of them and I don't think that I should have to feel that way anymore.  So, I am going to vote that what they have done to me is wrong and place them into the category of my parents as enablers or maybe they are what are called Covert Narcissists. All in all I don't think that it was a healthy thing to do to me.  I would like to see something that is actionable not more destructive.  It is very difficult to sit and listen to people say the following to you.

1.) I never had a childhood.
2.) I was never loved.
3.) I was abused.
4.) I was severely neglected.
5.) I was beaten.
6.) I was spiritually abused.
7.) I was keeping secrets.
8.) I was very sad.
9.) I was psychologically abused.
10.) I was whipped (different from being beaten.)
11.) I was hit. (different from being beaten and/or whipped.)
12.) I didn't speak.
13.) I was molested.
14.) I was left alone.
15.) I was manipulated.

Pretty uncomfortable to hear these things.  I do think that it was extremely important for me to listen to the people who came to tell me these things.  It was damaging to me as a human being.  I hurt really badly after they left especially knowing that these people had just left me in the abuse so long ago, never going to get help or helping themselves.

It seems to get harder in my life, not easier. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  It just seems to be a hurtful thing to do to me again, but that's O.K., at least they feel better.

Maybe turn about is fair play after all.

Traits Of A Malignant Narcissist

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.


Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.



2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.

Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.



3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.

Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies



4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.

Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.



5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.

Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.



6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.

Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.



7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.

Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.



8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.

Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.



9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.

Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.



10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,



11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.

Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.



12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.

Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.



13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.

Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.



14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.

Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.



15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.

Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.



16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.

Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.



17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.

Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.



18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.

Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.



19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.

Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.

Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a support group.

"People of the Lie"

To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it.

Excerpts from "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck

Peck goes on to delineate the face of evil, to show what evil looks like. His contention is that evil does not often look like what we expect; those who are most evil will often appear most “together” or wholesome at first glance. The picture he draws of evil people is all too familiar to the child raised in such a home as he delineates the “evil personality disorder”:



A proposed new scientific definition of evil




In addition to the abrogation of responsibilities characterizing all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by: (a) consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle. (b) excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury. c) pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives. d) intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic-like disturbance of thinking at times of stress. But to get such a classification is probably not realistic. In that regard, it is noteworthy how difficult it is to examine evil people in depth, because it is their nature to avoid the light. Denying their imperfection, the evil flee both self-examination and any situation in which they might be closely examined by others.

Creating a sick society


The denial of their own suffering is, in fact, a better definition of illness than its acceptance. The evil deny the suffering of their guilt, the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and their imperfection by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. They cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil. They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What possesses them, drives them? Basically it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror and a suffering so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. We can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.


 Pride and Arrogance


Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that church scholars have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection – a kind of smug self-righteous pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." The failure of the evil to define themselves as disordered is an essential, integral component of their condition. What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years, psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly -- even grossly -- narcissistic in one way or another, but are not evil. All that can be said at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, can only be vaguely surmised. The utter failure to submit oneself to reality is the extreme state of narcissism, narcissism in its ultimate form, oblivious to certain essential dimensions of reality. Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture. Narcissists have only what Martin Buber calls, "I-I relationships." They exercise a strange sort of political power, that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion, in order to prevent individual spiritual growth.



Evil could have been defined most simply as the use of political power to destroy others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of own' s sick self. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Most people fail in the art of living, not because they are inherently bad or because they so much without will that they cannot lead a better life; they fail because they do not wake up and see when they stand at a fork in the road and have to decide. They are not aware when life asks them a question, and when they still have alternative answers. Then with each step along the wrong road it becomes increasingly difficult for them to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they must go back to the first wrong turn, and must accept the fact that they have wasted energy and time. Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process, that we are not created evil or forced to be evil, but we become evil slowly ove r time through a long series of choices. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." Characteristic of the evil is that theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy.We can see, then, that their narcissism makes the evil dangerous, not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others, but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the evil needing victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it can give them the motive for murder, so it also can render them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all. Each of us is unique. Except in the mystical frame of reference, we are all separate entities. Our uniqueness makes each of us an "I entity," providing each of us with a separate identity. There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealing with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of, and a prerequisite for mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. The evil fail to make those distinctions.

The Subtlety of Evil


One respect in which it is difficult to explain about evil is its subtlety. Evil sometimes will manifest itself obviously. In Dr. Peck's book, The People of the Lie, he described parents with two sons, whose oldest boy committed suicide. They subsequently gave the very rifle that boy used to end his life as a birthday gift to his younger brother. There, evil showed itself as quite apparent, but it rarely does so. More commonly, evil's manifestations are seemingly ordinary, superficially normal, and even apparently rational. Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors, either to others or to themselves. It is not without reason that the serpent is renowned for his subtlety. It is exceedingly rare, therefore, that we can pass judgment on a person as being evil after observing a single act; instead, our judgment must be made on the basis of a whole pattern of acts as well as their manner and style. There is something basically incomprehensible about evil. But if not incomprehensible, it is characteristically inscrutable . The evil always hide their motives with lies. Wherever there is evil, there's a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies. Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. The pretense of the evil is designed at least as much to deceive themselves as others. A child can emotionally survive only by virtue of a massive fortification of its psyche. While such fortifications or psychological defenses are essential to its survival through childhood, they inevitably distort or compromise its life as an adult


Dedication to a Self-image of Perfection


The evil are utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. They often dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words “image,” “appearance,” and “outwardly” are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.” Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong.



We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden. We come now to a sort of paradox. Evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At once and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness (or attempting to redefine their evil as good). The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it. Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances, the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light – the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of the truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence.



Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation, required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied. It often happens that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can sometimes be perceived before the misdeed that it was designed to hide, the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. However, because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? Evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.


Scapegoating, a key characteristic


A predominant characteristic of the behavior of the evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. Definition: Scapegoat - an innocent accused and forced to take blame. And more significant, one who is the object of irrational hostility. Scapegoating works through a mechanism which psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that while they are in conflict with the world, they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.



Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people who can be designated as evil are invariably chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil will attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our own imperfection. Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil which they identify as in others. The problem is that they misplace the locos of the evil. Instead of destroying others, they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As their life experience and actions are subjected to examination by others, such exposure will often threaten their self-image of perfection, and they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying those person's lives, usually in the name or righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, an evil person who "scapegoats" must lash out at anyone who does reproach them.


Familial evil -- the genesis of narcissism




Evil seems to run in families. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents: Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic (such as the enduring the experiences of sexual abuse), it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles -- themselves symbols of evil -- in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaught of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil -- or some of it -- as a kind of psychological gargoylism.