In
the child’s game, Trust Me, one person stands behind the other. The one
in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before
crashing to the floor. Trust Me contains an element of danger, the risk
of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great
trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher
enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both
players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to
duplicate any other way.
It’s About Trust
BDSM
is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird—whips and chains!
Actually it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm,
the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.
There are
several terms for BDSM: power-play or domination-submission (D/s)
because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally;
sado-masochism (SM), which involves spanking, flogging or other types of
intense sensation; and bondage and
discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.
Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But
aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human
contact and play. People can have
sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players
always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.
DeSade and Sacher-Masoch
Ancient
Greek art depicts BDSM. The Kama Sutra (300 A.D,) touts erotic
spanking, and European references date from the 15th century. But BDSM
flowered during the 18th century, when some European brothels began
specializing in restraint, flagellation and other “punishments” that
“dominant” women meted out to willingly “submissive” men.
In 1791 the French Marquis de Sade (1740-1814) published the first SM novel,
Justine,
which included whipping, flogging, nipple clamping, and restraints. His
name gave us “sadism.” DeSade was imprisoned for criminal insanity, one
reason many people consider the sexual practices he popularized crazy.
In 1870, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (1836-1895), published the novel,
Venus in Furs, about male sexual submission. His name inspired “masochism.”
In 1905,
Freud
coined the word, “sadomasochism,” calling its enjoyment neurotic. The
original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I,
1952) classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” DSM-II (1968) did the
same for masochism. DSM-IV (1994) lists SM as a
psychiatric disorder.
Just Another Way to Play
But
all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts
are mentally healthy and typical in every respect—except that they find
conventional (“vanilla”) sex unfulfilling and want something more
intense and intimate. Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long
ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”
Two
to 3 percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some
often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around
20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.
There
are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan
area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.
Never Abusive
If
you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades
society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.”
Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a
dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control. And in
sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.
But
what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people who are
perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When
football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts,
punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse”
gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike
up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the
time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel
exhilarated.
Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that
submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed
by ethical, nurturing dominants (“doms” or “tops, ), BDSM is never
abusive.
“It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM
101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse
someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement,
allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good,
clean, erotic fun.” When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully
controlled with the submissive (“sub” or “bottom”) specifying limits
clearly beforehand.
Subs are very particular about the kinds of
pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure.
“They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly
like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”
“Safe” Words
BDSM is more theatrical than real. Sessions are called “scenes” and participants carefully choreograph their moves in advance.
First,
participants agree on a “safe” word, a stop signal that the sub can
invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action—at least
until the players have discussed the reason the bottom invoked it, and
have mutually agree to resume. A popular safe word is “red light.”
Some
terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t”
because both tops and bottoms often enjoy having subs “beg” tops to
“stop,” secure in the knowledge that they won’t.
Any top who fails
to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the bottom’s trust and
destroys the relationship. Tops who fail to honor safe words are
ostracized from the BDSM community.
Subs Are in Charge
Although
bottoms feign subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in
charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal, and tops vow to obey
immediately. Meanwhile, tops act dominant, but they must also be caring
and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never
beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to
experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe
and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic
intensity.
Learning the Ropes
Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs.
It
takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play.
Wiseman says that before every scene, players must negotiate all aspects
of it, from the players to safe words to everyone’s limits.
How to Begin
First
decide if you're more into S&M or B&D. If the former, then
spanking is the way many people begin. If the latter, blindfolding the
sub can be fun.
What Is Intimacy?
Relationship
authorities define intimacy as clear, frank, self-revealing emotional
communication. But many people equate “intimacy” and “sex.” To be
intimate is to be sexual and visa versa. Only it isn’t. It’s quite
possible to be sexual with a person you hardly know, the “perfect
stranger.”
Most couples don’t discuss their lovemaking very much,
which diminishes its intimacy. But BDSM absolutely requires ongoing,
detailed discussion. Players must plan every aspect of their scenes
beforehand and evaluate them afterward. Many BDSM aficionados say that
pre-scene discussions are as intimate, erotic, and
relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy
occasional power play but who are not exclusively into BDSM often remark
that it enhances their non-BDSM “vanilla” sex because the practice they
get negotiating scenes makes it easier to discuss other aspects of
their sexuality. The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear
communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person.
Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex—no matter how you
play.
Courtesy of;
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm
About the Author;
San Francisco journalist
Michael Castleman, M.A., has written about sexuality for 36 years. He has answered more than 10,000 sex questions for
Playboy, other magazines, WebMD, and other sites. His latest sexuality book is
Great Sex: The Man’s Guide to Whole-Body Sensuality
(Rodale, 2008), nominated as Best Sexuality Book of the Year by the
American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
In
recent years, Castleman, now 60, has developed an interest in older
adult sexuality, a subject that is under-researched and under-reported.
In spring of 2010, he launched GreatSexAfter40.com, where he answers
questions for free and sells 88 articles about sex in the second half of
life for $1.99 each, or $19.95 for the whole set.
Library Journal
has called Castleman “one of the nation’s top health writers.” In
addition to sexuality, he specializes in optimal health, mainstream
medicine, alternative therapies, nutrition, and fitness. He has written
more than 1,500 articles for dozens of magazines, newspapers, and Web
sites, among them:
Psychology Today, the
New York Times, Smithsonian, Readers Digest, Playboy, Health, Redbook, Self, Family Circle, Natural Health, and
Men’s Health. Twice he has been nominated for National Magazine Awards.
Castleman’s 13 books include:
Building Bone Vitality (McGraw-Hill, 2009),
Great Sex (Rodale, paperback 2008),
There’s Still a Person in There (about Alzheimer’s disease, Putnam, 2000),
Nature’s Cures (Rodale, 1996),
Before You Call the Doctor (Ballantine, 1992), and
The Healing Herbs (Rodale, 3rd edition, 2010). His books have been selected by The Book of the Month Club and other book clubs.
Nature’s Cures was nominated as a Best Health Book of the Year by the American Library Association.
Castleman has also published three mystery novels,
The Lost Gold of San Francisco,
Death Caps and
A Killing in Real Estate--all available from Amazon.com.
Castleman
is married with two grown children. He enjoys skiing, scuba diving, and
American roots music festivals, notably JazzFest in New Orleans.
Books by Michael Castleman, M.A.
by Michael Castleman
Rodale Books
by Michael Castleman
Rodale Books
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