About This Hell

I was born, then I cried.

Before you new it I was Five.

In between was pain and lies,

lost my Dad and thought I died.

Can't remember most of this,

mostly 'cause I got hit.

Beatings frequent,

this I know, was my Step-Dad,

he was bad.

Right before, when I was Four.

I stopped talking,

this was true, acted out and hated too.

Don't remember Six and Seven.

I woke-up and was Eleven.

Years of pain, I don't know,

couldn't tell you, I was slow.

My brother left, he seemed to be,

Lots of trouble for me to see.

When I was Eight, my body ached,

my step-father beat us three,

Tammy, Eddie and there's me.

(This went on everyday,

my parents worried we might tell,

everyone about this Hell.)

Karen Placek

5/30/2009

My Dedication To My Self!

Life goes on!!

It's O.K. to be SAD,

It's O.K. to be HAPPY,

It's O.K. to be found.

It is especially O.K.

to get up when your

Down!!

With or without them,

I will not have to

hear their

Sound!!

It makes me crazy,

insane.

It's time to 

ordain;

A Life of Love complete!

Karen A. Placek

5/10/2009

The Soul Shatterer Con't

The world is full of these people. It seems that they have a purpose within themselves. It seems their purpose is to just destroy you with their words. Sadly, it seems I engaged with more of these type of people in my life than I did with any other type of person.  I found it difficult to meet uplifting people or just people that are even supportive.

It's funny how the words become or have the power to strike you down in mid-sentence.  I certainly am well-versed at that one particular experience.  I have watched how it takes place my entire life.  You would think I would be better at avoiding these type of people, but, I seem to run head-long into them.  I am working on this in my self, to find out the "why".

Soul shatterers / Identity crushers, its how I refer to this sub-category. They seem to cast judgment constantly when you are speaking to them.  I know that I was raised with this type of person, or be it persons.  It has been a life-long struggle to get through and not get caught up in doing the same thing.   It is so easy to judge one another and so difficult to support them.  Most of my days are filled with my own personal fears.  I am afraid of everything, the day itself causes me to feel fear.

As a child my days were filled with sexual, physical, spiritual, mental, psychological manipulations, altercations, deception and it seems to all add up to, a lot of psychopathic abuse. I do not believe there have been many moments of my life where this was not either happening right in front of me or very close by in proximity. I am finally becoming capable to make a stand against this constant barrage from my family.  It is so difficult to do this, you end up being all alone.  In my case, I have decided to go public with my story, it has helped the shaking fear inside of me and as night falls each day I become a little less afraid.

Sight

There is this man, in my life.

He causes sight of no more strife.

He raises hand in kindness too,

telling me, "I love you".

I met him once in Dungeon Lair.

He does like!! to pull my hair.

A gentle way with crosses bare.

He held me in, I did not tear.

This night of darkness,

night of terror.

Became a way, to view the air,

of temptress taunting,

Men were daunting.

He held me tight,

it was alright.

At the end, he did the mend.

Asked to Fuck,

to wrap it up.

Off we went into the night,

I said, "yes", on went life!!

K.A.P.

8/13/2009

Mend

I often feel day by day,

it's time to heal and to go,

down a road that I don't know,

to see the things I can't tow.

You have been with me all this time.

Reveling in deathly rhyme.

It's just the stuff that you don't time,

that makes me wonder, auld ang sine.

Old friends, not forgot,

good jobs not yet had,

how can I get in your head?

That your a good guy,

and not yet dead!

It's only one step,

that you must make.

One at a time,

is all you climb.

Overwhelmed and at your end,

everyday you do not send,

a place for you,

to go and mend.

K.A.P.

8/11/2009

Order Of The Day

Order of the Day

I arrived in deepest pain.

I felt as if I was insane.

I could not tell that this was plain,

a place to hold my head in shame.

I cracked, I creeked, my head,

"I shrieked".

You could not hear my words to seek.

For silence held my lips in peace.

My mind was filled with such unease.

Every day I passed the play.

The school which held our very say,

"Hello, my name is", can you take?

The mindful words and ready make?

Each of you held keys to life.

It's hard to see through all this strife.

Your stories held a light to show,

the common ground for us to know.

I feel like I'm in a place,
where it seems like such a race,
to do the things we cannot see,
but stand on our priorities.


It is not a quality,
to believe or not to see,
the feelings in our very deed.
The fact that we can plant a seed.


Watch it grow, Watch it bloom.
Happiness will be there soon.
A bouquet of every way,
will be the order of the day.

K.A.P.

8/9/2009

Change

My mind will swirl and often whirl,

around this place and in my head.

I dart from here and run from there,

I cannot see and hardly dare,

to take the things I cannot do.

To stand up straight,

and ask who's, who?

I'm in a flash,

I'm in a stare.

I'm overwhelmed,

I cannot dwell,

in pain of past,

it seems like Hell.

It's hot and dry,

an old hotel,

inside my mind.

It's where I find,

troubled maze,

of this I change!

K.A.P.

8/9/2009

I Died Inside

They drove away and they sneered.

Laughing hardily as the jeered.

Turned the corner, I said, "Oh dear",

I've been left, I cannot hear.

My mind did scream.

I felt outrage.

Out of body, inside my cage,

I cannot speak.

I'm not a page,

tear me out!

They did with rage!!

Lost at such a small, small, age.

Closed my eyes,

I held my sides.

Hurting deep,

reeling inside,

Help Me! Help Me!

They have lied!!

Is this the day?

I died inside?

K.A.P.

8/7/2009

Done

Raining down the sands of time,

gently reaching the Oceans Brine.

A salty taste there is no waste,

of life or liberty,

Post Haste!!

Pain fills my mind,

memories remind,

of all the love and hate.

None of this is mine.

A man I seek,

he brings relief,

of all the strife within.

His love is pure.

His hate is none,

and all he does,

becomes done,

in body, soul and spirit mind.

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

Foresee

Relief is spelled,

with desires answered.

A simple point of view.

What we hold true,

can be new.

So, don't undo!

We can get through.

The awful and unjust.

It just takes time,

to unwind,

becoming who we must.

It's hard to trust,

and you may bust,

but patient you can be.

So, sit right down,

and do not frown, 

a day will come to see.

All that will,

be on your sill,

and beauty you will foresee.

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

Exhausts

My throbbing brain!

My aching heart!

My unfit soul,

exhausts me.

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

My Brain

The throat will constrict,

when it is ripped.

The dripping goop,

slips on through,

to your stomach too.

A thought for every nasty,

would cost a giant fee.

The pain just never stops me,

my brain just will not cease.

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

I'm Dying

I'm Dying

Persevere inspite of doubt,

in this you cannot fault.

I can't give-way to horror,

in mind, or breath, or more.

The days are long,

the nights give song,

to nightmares that have

no shore.

Total grief haunts me,

in thought, or sight, it daunts me.

Coming in to land,

I find I cannot stand.

They left pools of bloody memories,

inside of all my energy.

It drains me of my senses,

and I get left on fences.

Not a place to be!!

Hurry up, can you see?

I'm dying.

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

It's Neat

A book of dreams,

a book of gifts,

a life filled with all of this.

I lost my yearning,

I kept on turning,

in and out of mindful pain.

Inside my heart,

I see my soul,

I cry for wisdom too.

Don't throw away,

a life to stay,

it may take longer,

than a day.

Stay tuned in,

hold the pride,

you've come so far,

on this ride.

Life is beautiful!

Life is sweet!

Don't give up,

because it's neat!!

K.A.P.

7/5/2009

For Long

Reckoning a day without end,

in fear of what will begin,

filled with fright and over-wrought,

a mind of nimble sin.

Count your days of all you lend,

to others for account.

It's not for you,

to slop for Two,

if all you do is stay so cool.

What happens now,

might be loud,

so, you may wear a shroud.

Easy does it,

you may love it,

you could heal straight through.

Put down the spears.

Raise a shield,

if you feel like you may yield.

It's O.k. for today,

to be yourself for long.

K.A.P.

7/3/2009

All I Know

The depth of day,

the length of life,

the only breath time owns.

The distant call,

might be small,

a simple, gentle, voice

I hear.

A tiny mirror,

of life long pain,

shows memories on tape.

A tickering sound,

of the playing show,

is sometimes all I know.

K.A.P.

7/2/2009

Making My Day

You are my beach,

when my Ocean Waves.

You are my wings,

when I need to fly.

You are my air,

when I need to breath.

You are my thought,

when I need to smile.

You are my friend,

when I need to cry.

You are my health,

when I am weak.

You are my sunshine,

when skies are gray.

You are the voice I hear,

when I am in pain.

You are my laughter,

when I feel fear.

You are my everything,

when I am nothing.

You are the best of me,

when I am at my worst.

You are the man of my dreams,

and you make all my days interesting.

K.A.P.

7/1/2009

Cruising

Roads of our lives,

can be our

"Highways to Happiness".

You may get tickets,

on the way

But, you are doing all the driving.

If you have an accident,

and you are feeling totaled,

go into a local body shop,

and get back on your way.

Speeding may get you there faster,

but the wear and tear,

will show.

So, don't be so anxious,

to do all that blow.

A bi-way or Two,

you may be dual,

it's just a safer way.

So, relax, feel the sun on your face, 

fuel-up and set your cruise control.

K.A.P.

7/2/2009

Mornings Day

My thoughts on an overcast start.

Remind yourself of life!

No matter how,

no matter why,

it always is, free of strife.

A birth of an a.m. air,

is fresh and tall up there.

A Heavens gaze,

can often stay,

when you appreciate and play.

Twinkling minds of daily chores.

A day of you not board.

A free thought of this you trot,

throughout your life don't rot!

Fraught with anxious noise,

turn down the height of toys,

it's time to say and not just play.

Hello! to the mornings day.

K.A.P.

7/2/2009

Dear Me

Fear invokes me to fright,

will I run or will I fight?

I can't know, it's often night,

for everything that comes to take.

Life is hard and causes fear,

to rear an ugly head, "oh, dear".

I am here filled with dread,

mounting high a top my head.

No one helps, but that's O.K.,

I'll be out and seem alright.

Close my eyes and find my rest,

my body lies in depth tonight.

I listened hard, heard what they say,

been to long since it was May.

I'll have help of this is clear,

can you see this?

'cause I'm not Dear,

and I might tear.

K.A.P.

7/1/2009

Know It All

Anxious longing over past days,

I think that I may have to stray.

Hard work, all day,

we always stick upon today.

Present past, daily future,

our eyes in need of healing.

Gently take the time to be,

and do not do this kneeling.

Sunshine soaks our skin and minds,

a vitamin degree.

Heat up your thought,

and do not talk,

you may find that you might balk.

Stars will shine,

and never fall,

if all you do is call,

a simple name I doth proclaim,

who says they know it all!

K.A.P.

7/1/2009

New Day

Delightful child,

eloquent and wild.

This is about Me!

What to do?

The sunny days,

blow gray away,

the warmth will always shine.

Top to bottom,

left to right,

we all have duty,

every night.

Truth be known,

lies held at bay.

I find I often stay.

I think it's a new day.

K.A.P.

6/29/2009 

Free

I saw a crime,

done on a dime,

and no one believes me;

in this cause or sin.

I was a kid,

when did; did, did;

and now I cannot trust,

or I will bust from deep within,

and see this sin again.

I see the need,

to never please.

Can you help me? Please!

(I really would like to be free)

Seems so much,

I cannot touch,

a court room or a judge.

It always seems to smudge!

All I do is trudge.

One day soon,

there'll be a boom,

my head will finally be,

my sister said it to me.

K.A.P.

6/29/2009

Neat!!

The morning shine of the glass dare,

an open door to song.

A small bird sings,

a tone of love,

of peace and willful rhyme.

A large tree stands,

a branch attached,

a resting, likely place.

A nest of wonder,

I said, "no plunder".

Enjoying as I went.

The green grass wet,

with Dew of Night,

my footprints I do see.

The dampness felt,

between my toes,

and all I think,

is that this is,

pretty fucking neat!

K.A.P.

6/29/2009

Simple Prayer

My love alas,

is in my class,

of day begin, no end.

A Tale of Woe,

cannot be foe,

I learned to aim my bow.

An arrow pierce,

a heart of gold,

and platinum, I do grace.

He is no face,

I doth find faith,

in stories of the Old.

A soul mate true,

of this I knew.

Can he hear me cry?

....may this bring my source?

and put him back on course?

A simple prayer.

K.A.P.

6/29/2009

Gently Moving

I wish to scream "I am",

I cannot want to scram.

Not what I need, but want.

Trouble that does not taunt.

My man, he is so Far!

He lingers in his car.

Love for us is all I trust,

because I do, I must.

Freedom from hypocrisy,

is all I really want to see.

He is so kind and real to me,

this man I rarely feel; intimacy.

Today, a fresh cut rose,

I do not feel hosed.

I will not still propose,

a life-long of compose.

Gently moving in repose.

K.A.P.

6/29/2009

Won

Never can I truly know,

the pain within my heart.

Each time I brace,

to see the past,

I find I barely last.

My breath draws short,

my beating sides,

are aching with much fear.

My pulse is banging,

I am draining,

my blood from my mind.

Terror lasts,

then I blast,

a ray of hope and joy.

I am me,

and always be,

the bright

out lasting

one! 

K.A.P.

6/25/2009

Simple Delight

Understanding the air,

riding the wind,

tickle the breeze,

"roar" says the storm.

Wild rain pours,

tears from the clouds,

light twinkles the sky,

thunder rattles these rooms.

All in good time,

a calm in between,

counting seconds leave.

A bang, make believe.

The heart of the earth.

The moon in space.

The sun shines so bright,

behind all this right.

Hail to the mountains!

Snowing beautiful sight.

All of this is a,

Simple Delight.

K.A.P.

6/25/2009

Toot Your Horn

A trauma related thought.

A body found in pain.

A mind reeling in torture,

a soul without a chance.

A way to start a dance,

a direction of a trance,

twirling inside lurid tales,

of retching wicked scenes.

I do not see the meanness,

I can not tell the smell,

all I know, is what I tow.

It weighs me with the dough.

Never does pain rise,

it hurts me side by side.

Lost within the dreaded sin,

there seems to be no win.

Dropping like a sail,

increase the speeding rail,

toot your horn and don't adorn.

I'll be right by your side.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

Sin

Wind blows,

Divinity shows,

Life's cool,

I'm sometimes blue.

I can't undo,

what's been done,

it is my run.

I'll use the sun,

to warm me, when I'm one.

Look to now,

present large,

understand,

this is no shrowd.

Praise a name,

don't make it mine.

Decide to go,

you better row,

you might find that,

you loose your tow.

Don't give in,

you will win,

all!  Because,

it's not your sin.

Victim

I am a victim of extreme violence.

I am a victim of sexual abuse.

I am a victim of manipulation.

I am a victim of spiritual abuse.

I am a victim of my birth,

I was Two, the first full time threw.

How old were You?

I am a good person.

I am a conscientious human being.

I am a vibrant woman.

I have freedom to choose.

I can remember who is who.

Do You?

Conviction of Mind will often find,

memories spare the simple kind.

Stood up too and walked onto,

A Bridge of Life,

with you.

He held me up, when I fell in,

a pity trip! It won't begin.

I am a victim.

That's just it.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

Cleaning

A life of absolute stress,

surviving on fear.

Do I fight?

feeling fright?

I can't know,

I'm so uptight.

Each day of my life,

has not been very nice.

Jealous feigns,

malicious means,

I remember since my teens.

Spoiled life,

full of strife,

manipulation ruled.

Reflection of what pooled.

Warning all,

that I'm not small,

I've grown-up!

here I come,

and I'm not dumb.

My mouth speaks truth,

with words of meaning,

I am cleaning.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

I Write

Record a Note, a tonal sound,

a hum or whistle right.

It is a simple vocal throat,

bringing culture 'round.

Grasping at a straw filled line,

relieving all the pain.

Worth of joke,

rest is mine,

tempo with all time.

Presence in a moment jar,

screw down the Lid of Life.

Stalled in a time,

not once but thrice,

a curse of all this verse.

A blessing found,

in this I lounge,

the Pen of Strife,

I write!!

K.A.P.

6/23/2009 

It's Mine

One birth I cannot return.

A Life I stole from you.

A guilty mouth with thee unfold,

almost, I know I'm sold.

Sorry for your angry days.

Apology's were few.

If I could redeem to you,

a state I won't undo.

Deserving peace, I know I need.

Today I must approve.

I was born and now I'm torn,

between your disapprove.

A healing trait, for this I mise,

my energy is sure.

It's time to say,

"No, you may",

not become my Life!!

It's MINE.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

I Do Not Lie

The time to be no more,

shallows when you die.

A quiet calm,

serenely plays,

a peaceful calming song.

Years of Waste,

lay in hate,

surrender to the bait.

Allow a deep and mournful cry,

to tone a long good bye.

Do not fret!

We just met!

A man of simple prose.

Close one eye,

cross your tie,

and pray I do not lie.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

Life, Strife!!

My cause for sure is sight of All.
No apology from those who are to Tall.
Living lives in blank repose.
My face is all they hate.

Reminders of a Night in Rage,
mistake my turn from safety cage.
A chance to live a tired life,
at least I am and don't engage.

Locked away in prison stay.
One day my freedom shall ring true.
A moment of release divine!
Sweetly teasing, nicely pleasing.

Yearly dedication wise,
this is desires of my mind.
I know a softer, easier time.
A Gift of Life was mine.

Although I fight for every breath,
this is not a test of sight.
I gently gaze, a line of haze, 
foggy is my life. 

All I know,
is when I go,
I will know, no more strife.

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

I See

A talent for birth canals,

the rivers run deep.

No ship on mission states,

a canoe narrows in.

Hold the paddle,

the torrent of the turns.

A Waterfall will crash,

in beautiful fall.

No fear will answer,

the deafening call.

White water will froth,

like anger does rise.

The babbling stones,

the crashing rocks.

Water will run!

Patience, Seeking.

A gentle pass,

the curve I brake,

and it all repeats,

until the ocean

"I see".

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

My Birth

I delight in my creative existence,

I know of simple paths,

I revel in delightment,

I seek out my wonderment.

My breath brings into me my life.

I love my own thought,

on glorious bounds,

twinkling the corners of my eyes.

I enjoy the Clarity of Speech,

loving each word with relief,

not asking for any guise,

just releasing illusional piece.

A Gallery of Trust,

oxygen soothes my sides.

Etching on a comforting sign,

of my simple souls design.

Lovingly I find,

the death of all time.

Gentle do I say,

"My birth was really mean".

K.A.P.

6/23/2009

Embracing Wisdom

It seems a Time of Peace serene.

My thoughts are calming now!

The hatred of this wicked pact,

(discovery of all who signed)

"of what", I cannot do all that.

A very timid and small child was,

a fleeting memory mine.

The waste of such a gentle life,

was very simply mine.

My mind is wise beyond this time,

a pill of Genius doubt.

I can not be aloud to be,

I must be put straight out!

It's sad for all the ignorance blast,

what waste of valued space.

Quickly pointing at the grace,

when wisdom did not embrace.

The ticking, tacking, blocking way,

of ginger cookies crisp.

A wonderment of all I say,

I simply can't exist.

K.A.P.

6/16/2009

Real Foe

I was choking on my minds rage.

I was here and there Inside of Age.

The cum ran down my mouth and face,

I threw-up inside my body's thought.

The surging fact of real body,

over this I truly toil.

Disgusting late in madness rank.

Missing only body form.

Reality is a blistering spot,

until the boil pops!!

Screaming anxiousness, in toil I turn,

am I here experiencing there?

Real spin of rotten Life!

the stinking Depth of Pain.

Hurtful ringing in my ears.

Rotten, Muddy mirrors.

Don't help in this empty nest!

Don't call for your own faness!

All I know is what I show,

Agony of Life, in this I grow.

Making memories of real foe. 

K.A.P.

6/16/2009