At least I Can Finally Speak...

Look at what you have done to my head Mom.
She had been so cruel.
Why have a child Mom?
When you wanted an abortion?
You told me you were raped.
Spouting,
"That is the only reason I am even here."

You have shattered my life.
You have broken my body with beatings.
You have taken all you could from me.
Now, look at the picture and know it shows.

I wake to know that life is here.

The Sun will rise and Oceans flow.

The tides that move so very slow.
Moving in and moving out just so I can know.

Life could have been beautiful.

At least I know,
That if all I have is time,
I can say out loud while alone:
Discreetly.

Why am I here when I want to go?

"I thought to myself."

It is not a crime to want to catch a break in life.

Yield Feelings Ahead!!

Top 10 things not to say to someone with Severe P.T.S.D.

10.) You can't be in that much pain.

9.)  Stop being lazy and get a job.

8.)  You just want attention.

7.)  Your illness is caused by stress.

6.)  NO PAIN.........NO GAIN!!

5.)  It's all in your head.

4.)  If you just got out of the house.

3.)  You're so lucky to get to stay in bed all day!

2.)  Just pray harder.

1.)  But; you look: So Good!!

Care Enough to be informed, not a Jerk!

Do not speak to dead people, truth or dare!!

You loose one thing at a time,
or you may lose your rhyme

so be wise, I'll drop the dime.

First, Your Voice!

Second, Your Choice!

Then you will simply just become a noise.

Annoying and an Irritant

to those left around you.

These same people will order you to do,

give negative opinions and

turn away from you, walking the opposite direction,

following their assault on your life.

These same people will ignore your plea for help

and then just cut you out entirely,

with cold and deliberate abrasiveness.

Some Three Years Ago,

I felt the "Will to Live" leave me.

In this fraction of a second,

I felt the "Will to Live" abandon my very self,

as I repeat what I have said,

 I still am in disbelief of the occurrence of such an event.

I looked at my last friend and said,

"My Will to live has just left me."

I stuttered and continued,

"Do you think I'll fall dead?"

The shock and horror upon his face

made me know my truth was fact.

I stood up as he had, I fell to my knees.

Sprawled upon the floor and there I laid.

His overwhelming concern frightened and shocked me back into reality.

I was a seemingly, hovering shell of myself.

Still inside myself and obviously not yet gone from my body,

I said, "What has happened now?"

He shrugged at me.

 I thought that I should continue to speak.

Somehow, someway, I would survive using this as my tact.

You know, in spite of my plight of loosing "My Will" to live.

As I went on speaking to Dennis,

he listened and I went on speaking deep into the night.

The concern upon his face was obvious,

frightening me into more of what my nature insisted that had happened.

I just started to rattle away,

speaking of anything and everything

in order to hold "Death" at bay.

I really had never counted on such a sordid affair

ever happening in my life.

I, in less than one instant, lost the will to live completely.

With each passing second,

I was baffled and felt as if I might,

fall from fear or less: The horror of such a thought.

I knew if I went down, I would never return again.

All of this weirdness has happened because of all the people (family) in my life.

So I proposed this reasoning to my panicked self; it seemed logically at the time.

Ever since I was a Tot they took one thing away from me at a time.

First I was an "It", than a "Thing," robbing me of my humanity.

Then I was Hated, Tortured, Beaten, Teased, Accused, told I was possessed,

A Sinner and Devil Worshipper.

I think the only positive I found in all of their terror upon my young life,

 was when I went from an "It" to a "Thing,"

at least then I became an object and felt useful.

The words of despair and cruelty would pour out of the mouths of friends too.

"The Whys, The Will not, The Get over it's."

The only common thread I could ever find,

is that I would loose one thing at a time.

My Soul was sold, I gave my Heart away to my older sister,

all that I was left with was Emotions.

And who needs that when you are constantly a bot,

not a human being.

{Ever watched, "Lost in Space," if not you cannot relate.}

The golden, common thread with my family was;

They want me dead.

To quote Sarah,

"You should take a gun and blow your head off, it would be the best thing for the family."

Hugh, my step-father's quote,

"Oh, don't worry about dying, I will take care of that personally."

Of course, this was after sneaking up behind me at my Mom's house,

put his arm, up and around my neck, twisting me and throwing me down on the dining room floor.

(An hour later he apologized)

In reality this would not have done me much good if he had been successful in breaking my neck;

so the apology from my Step-father was rather moot.

Back to loosing The Will to live!

A reality bite, a hit of despair, I spoke.

My dear friend SHOOK, as so did I.

He said, "You are still here."

"I know, that is a good sign!"

I perked up.

The seconds became minutes and the minutes became hours!

"I have yet to fall!" I proclaimed.

"Maybe I did not lose the Will to live but lost the idea of the Will to live."

"Maybe it is the "Want" you actually need, in order to keep your breath from escaping you?"

He smiled a gentle, worried concern.

For I was still ashen colored according to him,

and, I appeared weak.  He said,

 "You seem resigned to Nature's call."

He was speaking with a soft repose,

almost as if it seemed he was losing his argument with me for the fight of my life.

As he held me in his arms for the very few moments that I found I could calm myself enough to be still, I said to him:

"Say goodbye to me just in case I go.

 I want your words to be the last ones I will recall in a vocal tone."

Lurking at the door was Death himself.

I know him well, so I turned and said,

"Hello, You must have received an early call."

With only a deep chortle, that could only come from Death personally,

he spoke,

"You again, the one girl who refuses to abide by any law."

"YEP, that is I." I smiled:

Remembrance of my youth flooded back into my mind.

"Who shall I say you are with my little rebellious, 'Small one'?"

Death spoke softly.

"Well," I said in a rehearsed record,

"He said that I was like his Best Friend some three years ago," said I.

"He said that I knew him better than he knew himself."

"No shit" Death said.

"Yes he did," I explained in a defiant declare.

Death said, "At least you are not alone as before.

You have a man to hold you 'till I arrive."

Cool I uttered quietly.

Death said,

"I must take note and call all the ones from below, 

they must come up here to witness that I have found our elusive girl."

"Now don't scare me as you did before."

 I protested in audible voice.

"Oh, NO WAY!" Death repeated,

"We finally found our orphaned child, who had been left for dead by her family and was both lost in death and in life."

 "That was rather confusing,"

I spoke in my own defense.

"The Girl that ran into the arms screaming at the top of her lungs has been located."

Death spoke in audible tone.

"I here this,"

an unidentified voice spoke.

 "You mean the one that kept screaming take me with you, take me, take me?

Then upon full view of ourselves, screamed, running the other direction?

And as she was high tailing out of that basement lair continued to holler,

You are the scariest things I have ever seen.

 I am so sorry, forgive me! forgive me!"

It is her.

" I cannot stay with what is causing me even more fear than what I am already in."

"Is it her?" Acer said,

"Are you sure it is the girl that disappeared through the wall?"

"Yep, this is her."

"Don't let her go!" Acer said. 

"Oh I will not," Death said.

Now as a Riddler, I prattled on, while stalling Death.

More of his friends or comrades in arms began to appear.

They all had big smiles and were filled with joy that it was me.

The lost child!

Strange points of glee filled these Men

 (lets call them that for the sake of my story)

these ones that had once inhabited my Dark World still looked the same.

All at once they began to applaud my friend, Dennis!

A standing ovation, Cheering and Excitement filled the air.

The prowess of such a man, his bravery floored them.

His reality and grasp of this very sensitive subject won them over immediately.

Oh course all he could think to say was,

"She says that she has just lost the Will to Live."

I said,

"I think they know that, hence the visit to our small apartment."

As we stood with no apparent appeal or real way out of this new found strangeness,

we both stood in silence and watched.

They (the men) memorizing him,

Dennis that is:

Every detail and in a fine example of how thorough

 and multi-tasked they are when there is more than one,

 they also kept a sharp and keen eye on me.

Now if Dennis would ever admit to this I don't know and don't care,

because it is a Hell of a story and I think its is oddly funny.

The Demons, if you will (the men) if you are slow and have not caught on yet

were speaking the Language of Old.

I, personally have not heard it since I was so small,

it brought such comfort in my life, I was almost excited to leave again.

Lucifer uttered,

"Is she still apologizing?"

"Yes, of course," Death explained.

"Still fighting the rules of the Universe?"

"Yes" Acer spewed as his own laughter broke out over his answer to Lucifer.

"HEY LOOK"

I said.

"My body is still going and you said that until it completely stops, and stills,

with no visible sign of active life, I did not have to abandon it."

Satan laughed so hard, and said,

"So my dear daughter, my orphaned girl:

You are not as full of fear of my audience of friends that you have personally attracted this evening for this final curtain call?"

"NO" I said, "But.."

"Here it comes," Satan jested.

"There is an Old Woman who lives 'Not in a Shoe',

 that could use an escort out of this weird, wacky place. 

So all of your work will not have been in vain."

Her passing went unnoticed and she was found by the Public Health Department of Petaluma.

She had passed on inside her very small home.

The city had sealed the front door with a Department Seal, because in less time than it takes to make a baby rattle out of vertebrae bones, all her relatives tried to invade her home.  Taking all her belongings, of coarse, with the exception of her.  How confusing would that have been for a woman still believing herself to be living.

"Watch Out," Satan warned, this is where she lost us last time," remember the story?"

I just happened to be near by, one wall away looking at the neighboring flat for a proposed living space for Dennis and I to live in peace with new and not so judgmental people. I  felt as if someone had been left for dead very near to where I was, (one common wall away, or did I mention that)

In Shock and Horror, I ran from this place.

Of course, the Devil piped up and interrupted my story with his giggling;

Saying ever so calmly,

"And what Dear Girl, did you do?"

As if this had been scripted they

(the Demons/Men, do you get it yet?)

listened intently.

I said,

"LOOK! I am just, I mean I was just at an Open House

 to view this place as a possible living arrangement for Dennis and I,

since we were being kicked out of our current place because I was not technically on the lease even though we had been successfully living together there for two years up to this point in the same place as only friends, nothing more or less.

The Old Woman saw me clear.  I said go back to your side of the house, I can not explain to you your predicament ( or won't).  I suggested following your new found relatives. 

Listen to them and ask yourself why after all of these years, 

how all that was yours is now theirs and find out that they are legally correct.

All because you are DEAD.

"And You," she asked as she blinked.

I cannot be sure in this less than a fraction of a second I ran the ten blocks back home or drove, I just know I was no longer standing in front of a dead old lady that saw me clear as day and I her.

I stormed into our house and told Dennis as I was slamming the door behind me, and was already drawing all the curtains close, closing any cracks with blankets and unplugging the hard wired phone, ( Did you know people can call you after they are dead?) This is before of course you know that they have been killed or are dead, CREEPY!!  Spouting frantically, I had almost lost my mind at this point, saying, "OH MY GOD, this has not happened since I was a kid and my Mom bought a Mortuary to be her new Church/Cult. I am in a nightmare again."

Do you know who hangs out in Mortuaries', "DEAD PEOPLE"

and then, the Devil could not restrain himself, said,

"And then?"

I said to him, "Dennis, HIDE!! QUICK"

"Watch out, dead woman, very OLD is about, and she does not think she is dead. When they don't think they are dead and you can hear and see them, they follow you where ever you go looking for answers to their confused state of being."

He said, "What?"

I said as and while still going as fast as I could,

"I am hiding in the closet with Nero, (My  Miniature Pinscher) and as far as I am concerned, including Nero, we are now nowhere to found ever again."  "And you should say if anyone unfamiliar asks you, I no longer exist and Nero died suddenly 10 minutes ago." 

O.K., he agreed.

 I put a blanket over my head, jumped into the closet and shut myself in with Nero.

Satan said,

"Those were your instructions to this kind man standing here tonight?"

"No!" I exclaimed

I said while hiding in the closet,

"If anyone or this old woman specifically happens into the House where we are currently now in, say Hello and be friendly.  She would make a great project for you.  You will learn so much and mostly you will learn the difference between life and death in a heartbeat."

I went on to say while still shaking with Nero,

"Remember! This is the most important fact and best information I could ever give to you,

DO NOT SPEAK TO DEAD PEOPLE!"

He shook, Dennis that is.

I said,

 "Don't worry a bit, you don't believe and I am positively sure you will immediately know when you see her what is truth and what is a life, (insert caveat here; LIE, LIE, LIE) ending paranoid convo now, over and out."

He said, "What if all you say is true?"

I said, "I cannot answer anymore questions, I gave you more than most."

Guilt overwhelmed me and so I said,

in addition,

which I should get goody points for in the end.

"Now Dennis, I am hiding in the closet so I am safer than you."

But, I spoke calmly,

 "If all of this happens to you, Run like HELL! Not to me."

It was as if the light went on in his brain and broke at the same time from fear. 

A common affair in an abandonment issue.

So, I said ever so quietly,

"I usually hide and ignore completely any experiences such as this one,

 it is how you maintain your sanity or at least how I maintain mine."

At this pivotal point of the most needed silence in order to loose her trail,

dead people are so fast its weird and creepy at the same time.

Dennis had opened my sliding closet door,

jumped in next to me and hid under the blanket, shaking.

Much like myself and Nero.

UNTIL.....

 the story found a new chapter.

The excitement in the room was building,

I could feel all the demon Men getting excited about my new story of ridiculousness,

all in escaping the dead.

So, we,

Dennis and I were fine,

until: DUMB, BLIND, STUPID, IDIOT, GENIUS SAVANT me,

your girl;

Totally forgot the entire incident passing it off as "A bad day."

I mean who hasn't had a few of those, right?

Oh, by the way, never tell these stories to your shrink or counselor.

If given the opportunity they, the counselors,

 will put you into a psyche ward.

These are the cases you only need one thing,

A CATHOLIC PRIEST. 

They are the only ones who believe you without condemnation or judgment,

they are full of compassion and comfort.

Back to the story at hand,

Dennis says, "I found a place to check out to live in."

Cool, I said and off we go,

guess where?

The same exact place all of this had happened at,

coincidence, I think not.

I tried to be cool,

never mentioning to Dennis that this is the place,

I had high tailed out of not two weeks before. 

Who really knows maybe I am nuts

and I made the entire thing up for attention,

Yea right.

The seal was still on the front of the house

and you still could not really read it due to the microscopic size of the sealed emblem.

but we were touring the back of the house that had the common wall.

You know how they split a house put a midget kitchen and call it a one bedroom,

cozy are usually how these types of places are referred too.

So, me being the cool person I never am, walks right in behind the Realtor, Dennis and the dog.

Racer, pipes up!

Satan says, "HUSH!"

"I want to hear her story"

Now, Dennis and the Woman Realtor from Bundesen Realtor, Century 21 have now entered and stepped inside the DEN of DEATH, know as the apartment for .

As the Realtor shows us the space, as if we had not ever been there.

She was definitely not the one that was there the day I ran out, 'cause I did not recognize her.

BY THE WAY:

Do not bother to get your Service Dog tags, let alone register them, the prejudice against Service Dogs is ridiculous and I am relentlessly hassled over him.  One person from "Bundesen Century 21" , a Realtor told me "Didn't you read the add for this apartment?

NO DOGS"

 I said 'Yes. She told me to get out because I was an idiot, no dogs means, no dogs. So they just de-qualify you from any and every property based on your Service Dog.  Which is meant to be ill-legal.  When you ask they just told us we were not a good fit and went with another client, this happened to us over twelve different pieces of property.  We had to provide so much personal information just to be considered for a rental.  I even proved my dog was a registered Service Dog in this County. Other than providing our first born son, we don't have one we are not married, they had a reason for going with a different couple for every piece of property they listed. We were denied purposely so one time Dennis went in to the office to complain, that was that after he did this, we were black marked..  I, at the end, called and requested all of our personal information to be returned so they would not have our bank account records, background information, first, last and social security numbers, along with our drivers license information.  They told me at Bundesen 21 Realty  that our information belonged to them now for record keeping purposes. I said I would like to pick it all up since we do not meet there criteria for a rental then why do they need us on record?.  NO! again they said.  Then I asked if they would shred our file, NO! they said.  I still have yet to retrieve all of the information that they gathered from us. Including why I have a Service Dog, which is against the law to even ask.  I called a third time to try yet again to regain our information, they hung up on me.

Back to my story:

As soon as we entered the rental property, I asked,

"What is up with the front piece of property?'

The Realtor, who also works for Bundesen Century 21 said,

"There was an old woman who had died and no one found her for a while."

She continued,

"Her relatives are fighting over her stuff,

 but now it has become a Health Department Issue."

NOW, who looked ashen? Dennis!!

He heard the entire conversation between the Realtor and I,

he had been in the other bedroom looking around.

Dennis walks out of the bedroom, looks straight at me and I said,

"I told you so."

The Realtor spouted;

"Sometimes people can feel such things."

I laughed and said,

"I know I sure did."

I advised the following to the Realtor;

"You should not show places that are directly behind

 or next two attached by just one common wall to unsuspecting,

 potential clients or renters, it can be disturbing. 

I am one such person. 

I had a horrible feeling in this place when I came to the open house.

I am one of those sensitive to that sort of thing.

I ran all the way home and sounded like a freak when I arrived and told this man what I felt. 

But thank you for telling us and being honest." 

  

 Then I asked her, the Realtor,

"Why did these people, the ones who lived here moved,

seems they went in a hurry.

Please tell me that they did not have nightmares

and that is when they found out the old lady was dead."

Dennis looked over at me and I said,

"Told you so. 

 I am never wrong about the Dead people thing.

Did you know they will follow you if they think you can see or hear them."

The Realtor sure did listen hard.

I said to Dennis,

"I am so sensitive! 

 Now, do you believe me about what had happened two weeks ago?"

He said,

"Yes, let's go."

We left never to return again.

We never returned to Bundsen Century 21,

 or that creepy haunted place with a wall that split the house in two,

and three Bungalows out back.

Believe it or not!!

The "Courts of Death" will deliver to you the Finality of your own "Terminal Extinction" of "Life" Personally

As you move from One World to the next and realize that your lack of comprehension into the needs of any Human Being, dead or alive will be the day you wish you were or knew what death included.  You will realize on that day and in that moment everything you thought or anything that you may have had a concept of in this pitiful life you have lived is gone.  This will instead be the day and the hour in which you are standing in the Eleventh Hour for the first time.  Your Judgement Day will have arrived in all it's glories and that your judgement is your own, pouring from your very own mouth; Confessional will bring a new redemption to your mind.

As a person and notably so, you all do the same, you spread your disappointment, negativity, selfishness and want upon whom is sat in the audience of your show.  An Opera of sorts, where you are in the light and the rest in the darkness.  The lack of your sight of them, the ones which will hear and see your transgressions, brings them zealous each passing moment.  It is in this fierce reality you will find that your life or lack thereof has had the most use for your final review.  As I am, and you are not, it will prove to be happenstance.  Your denial of what is staring back at you in the face is what you have hated and abhorred for so many years. Instead of embracing or investigating the chance of such a Court, you have broken them down, cursed their names and pronounced them your enemies. Instead of building up and appreciating that this entire mire of interest you have embraced with Church, Cult, Christianity, etc. is a Celestial Battle and not a mortal war. You have chosen sides in a Heavenly Disagreement and condemned those that do not support your opinions or your interpretations of the Bible: Not meant for them but for man I am supposing.   You have turned from all of it, each word, phrase and/ or story that is not to be said Godly by you. You have been tossing your opinions as if they are dirty rags to the curb to clean and scrub more of your abrasive ways or forced opinions onto innocent lives, never asking just living privately.  All of this you have done without regard and with never once speaking or proclaiming one iota of interest in what you now face so abruptly and certainly I am sure at this point unexpectedly so.

Your collection of nothing more than your own self-proclamation of your own or for your own self-gratification has been noted.  In addition, it has been noted and waits with great patience for your arrival in the Courts of Death.  This is the first stop upon your exit from life as you know it today, this is only one step along the way that will help you understand that you are to leave your human body form and into a permanence of a subject of another kind. Only a Master could even begin to conceive as your punishment of self for the acts that you have knowingly perpetrated upon your peers and strangers alike.

Your common and ignorant plea of "I just didn't know," in the Courts of Death will be met with the reality of such harshness, that the mere idea that others can also read your mind will of course cause you to entertain the idea that you have been duped and others here on Planet Earth can read your mind with ease everyday. This in itself will become your reality in less than an instant.  Your intent will be known and recorded before the words are uttered from your lips as a defense of your in-actionable life on this place we call Earth.

Just imagine that a person can hear your thoughts! Know your agenda! Listen to your argument with their mind as you sort out your reasoning for your manipulation of friends, strangers and the like.  The ability of a single, seemingly normal person listening into your choices of how you will either blame or shift the responsibility of such criminal behavior or even the crime itself onto a different human being.  Taking your actions or your sins as if they (the innocent) accepts this punishment all before you have even opened your mouth to say, "Hello" to introduce yourself to your next prey.  Amazing that this could be a concept, let alone a reality in this rather ignorant world, yet, watch "Speed of Thought" (a movie) and you will see we are already on our way.  You have now successfully dumped all of which you have done onto an unsuspecting stranger and so quick you are about your business these days.  You have placed all your guilt upon another shoulders. You have imposed your will without your own accountability so that you will be innocent of any wrong doings.  All in fear someone might find out you are a Con Artist, Liar, Pathological Liar and a passer of ill-will. So you have now imposed this sentence upon a passer by, that had only said "Hi" to you in return.  What a scam.  The jig is up!

The crime of the Century and no way to prove or trace this nightmare of reality today. I record it everyday since my birth, but, I am a freak and one day soon you will know how good I am at it.

Planet jumping will not be the answer before this happens either, as per a host on the Discovery Channel.  For I vote that if Earth can come to be in whatever theory you may wish to bow down to as your answer or our new God. I believe that Earth has the sense to move out of the way of any danger threatening her very being.  So, don't presume to know that an Earth or Planet does not have the sense to break the rules of gravity to move out of the way of the next Elinen or Comet.  She seems more intelligent than what walks above her, at least that is my vote.  Or just maybe she will put her needs instead of putting her self into such a path of destruction that would destroy her.  All of this without consideration and with no malice for her age and wonder, just the thought, "Survival of the fittest," definitely my motto.  I am sure there is not one planet that would not run like Hell to avoid this mess of a Human Being.  They are dirty and create trash everywhere, even in space.

In the end lets us not blame anyone for an education in what was needed most. At least my family needed it badly. No hope for Twin Souls. According to them, he is so busy and he has no time to bother to even investigate the subject.  I hope that when he stands in line for the Courts below I am present to witness them saying, "So, what would have been the harm to find out the truth? They are a family of five and have no one on this place to help them at all, why could you not even try? Tortured and separated from one another for know other reason then not one person wants them to be happy,  you included. So what exactly is your come back for this one? 

All for a family of five, and the mother living alone and without contact at all with her kids because people just say so.  No reason, No understanding, with whom should she stand if everyone is afraid of her family and mother? Just asking for something you cannot even take the time to check out, if its not for you just walk away but at least say hello.

Non-Fictional Account of Reality

Speaking of the one thing that we will all experience, seems taboo in the Christian Society. Ever since I was a youth, I have thought heavily on the subject of Death;  As I have suffered through my own murder.  All be it without doubt, I have survived.  I have found that since this very traumatic experience, I have only wanted speak on the subject.

Death and the permanence thereof:

While I stood beside my human body , the basement room became darker than it had been the minute before.  Yet to be truthful the color had changed in complete.  It was a sepia (black and white similar to the old Reel Memories.  My breathless state left me in a fright, but air I did not need to want presently.   There were not bright lights, no anger, no "Hello"; No relatives holding out their hands and not a stranger to embrace in the obvious mistake of a death.

I was in a moment or reality, it began to sink into my mind, I saw a streak to sink into the back of my mind.  I saw a streak of what seemed like light.  I can say I saw a streak of what seemed like light.  It jetted behind the back of my still bodies neck.  In a fit or rather anger, I did fret, I realized that I had missed my ride out of this dreadful place, "My Life." The anger and the rage that began to well up in my stead overwhelmed be to such a shocking race of wrought, I leaped back into my already dead self and struggled to gag as air seemed immediate need to pursue my next move.  I fought to remove the sack over my head.  I was sweating I still was, DAM!! Fright then did overcome me, for I could not have known what I had done at this time for I was not more  that three years old at the time.

Since this time in my life I had varied experiences outside of my living body .  These times were always brought on by extreme stress and the decision to abandon my myself based on not being able to hand the horror of my reality.

In the beginning as I mentioned I lept back into myself .  As time passed I grew weary of the on-going pursuits to return to my human form (body.)  What tipped my hand and the end all of this was that even while not present within your human form, you are still present in the same presence as you are in the same place that the trauma which ended with my exit in the first place. So, in essence although air was not longer needed, nor was there a physical attachment to the body that was now being ravaged, I are still witnessing the account thereof.

At first, I was afraid to get to far from myself for fear I would never return.  I felt as if I had traveled out of the sight of myself I feared I would forget myself and become lost and thus never being able to return to humanly form.  But as time pressed on and the attacks became more evident against my innocence I became more violent towards them.  I moved further and further away, literally.  Trying so hard to get away from the actual trauma happening in front of my eyes.  I could still see myself in the crowd and therefore was still having to witness the abuse against body.  It became so painful to know and to see, one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I did not have to feel it in my found form.

I was at the top corner of the basement ceiling and decided to just turn to the left into the timbers of the home.  I thought I would end up on the other side of the basement.  Instead I ended up in a ..............entirely different venue.  I was not dead, not was alive, I just know I was not where I had being raped by all the boys just the moment a second before.

The Equation is Simply "Time!" (Written in 2005/2006)

Blind sided in a quiet field, a peace that was found, blown away by that moment of reality. Recovery is something we do to survive. But as we begin to stand I become nearly stifled by all that surrounds me. How can history repeat itself so easily? Communication and sharing are my own weaknesses, trust is my enemy!! My own heart is buried in a deep and dark grave with no marker for fear of recognition. Afraid to be born again, yet dreading an eternity of loneliness. My mind is in a whirlwind of disastrous proportion.

This is all voluntary! The secret of the universe is "choice", to do or not to do, this is one of our choices. These are thoughts, idea's and beliefs that are scored on my very being. Choice is a freedom that provides Time the opportunity to determine the outcome. To remove the freedom of choice and replace that with destiny or any other absolute will only, in turn, allow Time to deliver an outcome anyway. The outcome will reveal that the presumption "to know" or have knowledge of and understanding of any specific act is only ignorance and the allowance of such will perpetuate it. The understanding and belief in the freedom of choice will be subject to the same determination and outcome that "time" will provide. It is these provisions in time and the acknowledgement that the unknown has become known; the fact that dreams have become reality in the past. It would stand to reason that our imagination's are the key. This understanding will provide our minds with the ability and nourishment to grow. Our continued growth and ability to change has proven to be the key to our success, however we seem to be embracing a total domination of our minds. Understanding that self pity, hate, anger, love, purpose, passion, doubt, negativity, are just a few that I will mention however you can add in what ever will bring you to the understanding that these are innately part of our very structure as human beings. If you can accept that, then you will accept that the answer to questions in general will evolve at the rate of our ability to ask the question. Just as in mathematics', a problem is presented that will need to be solved, a solution is required. This allows the understanding needed for our minds to be able to realize that it is the actual problem that will deliver the answer.

The equation in whole is simply time. This is  when an approach to understanding will present itself. Nourishment throughout our lifetime is required by our bodies to grow and then to maintain us in order to function at any level of activity. This is the nourishment for our minds, thinking, believing and imagining. I am only the mind that is delivering a message for other minds to have more specific stimulation that ignite the fire of compassion, understanding, forgiveness, belief and convictions.

The Court of Death

Upon entry to Death.

The immediate stop made, after you believe.

That Heaven and Hell are only cities,

with Hotels that usher you into what is your next permanence:

Judgement of Yourself!

1.) Pull a number.

2.) Stand in line.

Recite your defense while waiting,

as if you can rinse away your guilt or sin.

But, not as it's been, it has changed since then,

you've contracted in, for a stiff sentence,

called, "Life."

So, as you wonder, or as you fear,

this time you die is drawing near.

Dirt you're not: Compassion nigh.

Your life has been read,

line by line.

Are you ready to face your lie?

Have you shown? Have you done?

Have you been? For anyone?

Are you a person, who thinks they can; Run?

Or, do you finally know you're done?

A simple message, from Old Past.

Where Souls exist, but, you've killed that.

Did you hear? The cry of One?

Who said, "Please Sir, I need a Twin? My Souls been sold! I need..."

Or, will you only plead what you print?

"My God, Help me to survive this deadly love."

Does it matter? I think not.

We both know, you will not show.

But, well-versed we both are on this thing,

the After-Life is something.

Death will meet, "On U-Tube, Right?"

A practice for your Shroud?

In my case, I have already seen;

Death for you, is Life for me.

I'd rather have a "Deadly Love"

then plead to anyone from above.

So, live your life free from me,

'cause one day soon you'll cry in need.

Loneliness, your best friend.

Sexual resist for what? I do persist.

'Cause when I bed a Man or more,

I won't be a singer or a fucking whore.

Attraction, will rule and I will soar,

to finally have it all, like THOR!

Your hesitance in this will be,

the reason why you're Homeless, SEE!

A transient life is lonely; Strife.

Take a chance?

You can't! You won't!

Why?

You are afraid to loose yourself,

although you write in Limerence. Right?

What do you think? That I'm wrong?

If so, then let your nature be,

continue on and sing the song.

"Been in a Country 30 minutes long. Got a Girl"

Come on!

Settle down, end your whirl of whine.

A True Love found you did for "Sis"

Sold her on E-Bay: No Resist?

Yes you did, makes you fair game.

God forbid, I heard your name.

You are a curse to me and mine.

The hope that magic comes from a sign.

But, I hope you accept my pain that's true,

you seem well-versed and very vain.

So, if you find a love at funerals,

then why deny yourself a Seer?

Who writes some script, it rhymes, "I guess."

but in truth it is a Riddler, am I.

This I do,

"Confess."

If you could find the meaning in,

realize that I don't sin.

But, want you too! My mind wants more.

I imagine you're cute, but probably "A bore."

I look past your foibles,

I look into your eyes: Just right.

Embarrassing? You have no clue,

I'm the one in like with you.

So, do ignore!

Pretend you're blind, to every word and every line.

And, when your Old, holding your mind,

looking up at what?

ERUPT!

You had a chance to dance a dance.

That was new, A World Romance!!

But, cold you are and age will take,

your looks away and leave in stay.

A date with Death, you cannot miss,

for at this point, "You'll wonder this?"

If I had taken the chance?

Breakfast?

In America?

California?

On this Romance?

Would I be "Old" and "Alone."

Or, would I have, had a life, a home,

within a Family that loved......etc.

Questions?

Not mine, but yours my friend.

The only answer I have from then,

Is!!

When you go, to far below,

pull your number and they ask slow.

"What have you done for anyone, that was selfless and not a shun?"

"Did you help? When you were asked?"

"Was Romance, just a piece of ass?"
"Do you have a Soul? Or, Two?"

"Are you missing? Did you undo?"

Caught you are inside yourself,

sounding better, you are so stealth.

What would it cost to find out, Why?

I write these riddles, are you so nice? I ask myself.

"Are you my Twin? Are you more?"

It seems I know you from Old Past.

But, down below, silence won't go,

the answers forced, they never wane.

So, here you are; Denying yourself,

you've made C.D.'s with songs: You yelled!

What do you want? If life's not it, is it,

adventure, fun, about?

As I come to my own end,

I say to you, "Good Luck."

Every person enjoys not much,

and in your case you have been touched.

By a Riddler, a Poet Seer too,

a Reader, a Savant,

"What more do you want?"

.....does laugh, at least its true.

I have a chance, if not with you.

To experience all you've done,

travel the World and meet everyone.

Just to say, "Hi, how do you do?"

Stay for dinner?

"I would love too."

So, March yourself to shorten life,

married Men, know much less strife.

Travel with you? "Of course, I would."

Cook you dinner? 

With good food and a very kind hand.

A homemade plan.

My ..... would love such an idea.

To see the World, not count thereof.

A number, you keep of Countries that pay,

you to sing. It's not the way.

To build what's good,

friendships that last,

to make more money and to be invited back.

You must believe that people see,

they do read and wish for thee.

To know what's good, will bring you wealth,

not to your Bank but to "Yourself."

It's not about giving away,

don't be confused or turn, say "Shew."

You must make bank, it is what you do,

so that you afford what's new, what's good.

Relaxing, recovering from your long Tours;

You've been, it's true, you're tired too.

Just don't count the days or countries; You sin!

It makes the people feel so much less and then,

it becomes surreal and that's not cool.

Would you like to just be a ticket or deal?

Magic happens, maybe it won't be you.

Just maybe, it will be another you see?

You cannot say that, people don't sway,

at what I've written to you each day.

So, take your time, it seems your way.

But .... save you from what might be true,

you're just too scared to know.

That in "Adventure" you find what's new!

Don't worry Sir, You are just fine.

I'm sure you'll find and "Fuck" your kind.

Make sure your eyes are open so,

that you'll be alive and "Whoa."

Not in a fantasy inside your mind of sexual, blow?

The truth is bitter!

Never goes down as sweet.

But, "Death Courts" real,

to me, at least.

So, in defense, of never me.

I'll send my record in advance you see,

 of your date with them: Announce,

"Your failure and/or your lack of try,"

of any interest from this guy.

Anubis, Iris and RA will be,

just a few, that represents Me.

The Demons, the Spirits and Satan,

I'm sure.

Will receive you, "Dear Sir."

You sing of this, in Time, in Space.

Did you know I have a face?

Now you are aware of my scars;

I too; "Write!"

 dear Lord,

by no mistake, you're made.

Not so stealth, but Honesty wins out.

So, ever so loudly, I do so tout,

"To a sensitive Man," he's about.

Alright! I do, admit my guilt!

A "Twin Soul" haunts my very self.

So, I do listen to early songs,

but after that, I do what's wrong.

I ignore and push away,

the very man I should pull my way.

I only do what is correct,

'cause odds are that my Heart will break.

By ignoring and not coming to see,

what is this Magnetic Force to thee.

It is I: He'll never ask himself.

Protecting me from uncertainty.

I hold the Flame, a Candle, well.

Of Hope, I do to see me through, this time, it's weird,

"What to do?"

I just don't know?
"Do you?"

They say we are only suffering from,

"The Seven Degrees of Separation"

anyone on this Earth?

I know I've seen this man before.

I know a "Twin Soul" he is to me, a Sword.

So, words of Wisdom; "Words!" I plea,

"Cut me out! and leave me be!"

Don't pass so close to my life.

Don't tempt me, my children, I love,

and we, as family, deserve what's nice.

I've had the worst life, "A Thing" could have

(referred to since my birth)

but, a best life is my balance: A Stab.

A shot at what would be so cool,

from "Worst to Best" with only too.

The moment it takes to say, "I do."

So, whether it's you or someone else,

I wrote the truth, I was not stealth.

But; Silence will come one day, so soon,

'cause, a book I want to do.

Write, it's true!

"Death Court"

a message from my youth, "It's due!"

Just like you, I'll never be.

I won't be late for this date:

Instead I'll speak and be what's neat,

Myself, my story is what I like,

I keep it real, based on life.

Courting Death

I chose to ride the waves of what is strange and new.

Deliver to me the want to thirst for more.

Knowledge of the past, understanding of the old will be.

Look at the tides of each realm.

Blame not the shores for your shortcomings.

The constant barrage upon my mind,

is no more than the curse that I am.

Swallow not your pride but your fortune.

Protect not yourself from what will be.

Asking repeatedly for anguish and woe;

delivers only me today.

An accident or a well thought out plan?

In death we see your truth.

The courts down there contract with time,

and patience is not me.

Lawless and unkind,

will beat the rocks to sand the beach.

I hope you count the grains you make,

an Ocean of desire: To tempt you to see.

That cruelty is not me,

but it could be if I wanted it to be.

I well myself to know,

the end is just a show.

And I am not for you,

but begin I will, "I do."