My nightmares are real, I often wake myself talking, as if I am attempting to talk my way out of the dream. Sometimes it takes several tries before I actually wake-up. Strangely I will believe I am awake, walk into the next room and go to get a cup of coffee. Upon trying to pick-up the coffee cup or the telephone I realize I cannot and that I am still in my bed. I try again to jolt myself awake, as if I am walking around in a 'spirit body' or that type of understanding. It is very odd. It usually takes me three or four tries before I actually wake and thankfully I grab my pillow and say to myself, finally I am up.
Similar to a dissociative state when I was young, I walk without my mortal body in reside. I never make it very far before becoming aware that this has happened and upon the realization, I return to my bedside and repeat the process above to once again return to my mortal exist.
Sometimes I laugh and more often get frustrated with myself. The frustration comes when you think you have done all the work to get yourself out of a nightmare, you have got yourself out of bed and begun the process of really waking yourself so you do not fall back to sleep and begin dreaming right where you left off. When I realize that I have not even accomplished the waking portion, let alone the getting out of my bed to actually enjoy that hot brewed coffee, I sigh and the frustration begins.
I wonder how heavily one must be sleeping to have an event of such 'strange happenings' to even have taken place. It is not as if it is the only time in my life that this has happened, however never has it been so vivid in detail and feeling before. Strangely I feel the relief of the end of the nightmare, I believe that I am up and moving all to find out I am just in a different state of dream.
The nightmares that do this to me must have me sunk into a deeper state of dreaming. I have noticed that I am so far down into that dream, it seems you need an elevator to take you or return you to the surface, hence the three or four times it takes to actually wake myself.
It is said that dreams contain the unfinished thoughts of the day. That it is your mind working while you sleep to find resolution to that which you are unable to resolve while awake. That being said the frustration of late must be making this strange state worse, as I cannot communicate my own wishes without being shot down with accusations.
If you were never taught how to tell someone 'No' and you were always taught to keep all your troubles behind the closed doors that they take place behind, how then do you seek refuge?, how do you seek help on situations beyond your control? Sadly, I just take it, no matter the ill-will towards me, I just suck it up and do the best I can not to enrage the situation further. I try to go back to said person if at all possible and attempt to say that what they are doing is hurtful and triggers the daymares I now have about my abusive childhood, but unless that person is willing to listen or accept that their words are doing such damage that your body now shakes, there is not much you can do. So once again in my life I begin the process of leaving. First I try being quiet, I try to be cordial, I try to take walks, than I turn to taking drives in my car, then I make myself unavailable, then I close down my internet pages, then I take-off for a few days to think about what I should do next to get myself out of these abusive situations.
Sometimes, in the past I have returned to the 'scene of the crime' and asked point blank, "Please stop what you are doing, it is destructive and full of ill-will. Please stop smoking your shit around me. Please stop the finger-pointing and name calling, just please stop. Please stop using me." To no avail and as past history proves, these people do as the please when they please, to you and behind your back. The lies that are spread can be particularly damaging. People, whether you like it or not make judgement without ever asking you what happened or what is going on that has you so stressed out. I guess in the end, my idea in the beginning will win out. I will pack-up all of my belongings, grab my dog and my cat and move where nobody knows my name, my story, my triggers because living with Severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Disorder since I was a small child is, to say the least difficult. And, if anyone knows your story and manages to break into your life, no matter at home or at a place you just go and help out for the sake of helping others, these persons can use it all against you without you even expecting them too.
You don't expect it and therefore you do not have all of your walls in place to balance the attack. Maybe that is what the dreams/nightmares are trying to make me aware of.....my life has been compromised by whom does not mean well and so like in my dreams where I cannot wake-up, I just take off!! Will there be a day when it is said, she disappeared? When I was a child I was told that should I ever make a stand against the abuse I would be made to disappear, I wonder, do individuals read this blog and then advantage my life with what has been done to pad their pocket books with what is left over? The threat of this very thing came in very real life from an individual I thought I had removed from my life a year or so ago, but could the process just be repeating itself? Is this isolated existence planned by more than myself? I thought if I just was able to get out of the way of destructive or controlling people I would be alright, safer, sleep better at night. I fear that this will not end unless I speak-out even if only on this blog and tell whomever reads this post, my life is under siege yet again.
