Natural Repulsions

NATURAL REPULSION

 

“You enthroned a sanctified, privileged lie, a lie believed by everyone to be the truth.  That is the seed of the most dangerous delusion.  A lie to be known as a half-truth, a lie that an intellectual person accepts as fact, the lie that has been inculcated upon me by you, this lie, your lie, is the most dangerous to contend against.”

Karen Anastasia Placek

* So what if you are Genius or a Savant, they will bury you, not educate you, hide you from society, cripple you at every turn.  In the end it doesn't matter because your family will never accept you as you are anyway, or at least that has been my experience.

Questions Evolve At The Rate Of The Need To Know The Answer

Written on Saturday 5-13-06

Taken our innate ability to discover pleasure in an act, taking that act and coercing those around you to facilitate the act for your pleasure, under the pretense of enlightening their minds by introducing them to an act that will create pleasure.  Never during the introduction did you include the consequence, which must be paid for such an act. Your desire outweighed any consequences.

Your diversion to enjoy the act of pleasure will have the highest price, simply because of your selfishness.  The minds that you deceived still will pay the price for their deception.  Every price will be a different toll, choosing to pay the toll or not, will determine the vehicle used to exit the act.

This is not a question of enlightenment, right or wrong, true or false, good or evil. These are the mere vehicles that we choose to excuse or explain the act to ourselves and enables you to rationalize that choice you made under the influence of deception. The outcome remains in the scene.

The future contains the knowledge that enables the ability of choice to determine our continued growth and the rate at which we grow. Change is inevitable. Time has provided the knowledge to understand this fact. Accepting that every action has a reaction and that your ability to choose directly influences the reaction allows the understanding that will make your minds capable to take, accept and be responsible for that which you have acted on.

Those that have chosen the vehicle of deception as a reason to be involved in an act, now know that by choosing deception you have knowingly ended your ability to continue to grow.

Choice is a freedom that provides Time to determine the outcome.  To remove the freedom of choice and replace that with destiny or any other absolute will only in turn allow Time to deliver the outcome anyway.

The outcome will reveal that presumption to know or have knowledge of and understanding of, a specific act is only ignorance and the allowance of that to perpetuate it. The understanding and belief in the freedom of choice will be subjective to the same determination and outcome that Time will provide.

It is these provisions in Time and the acknowledgement that the unknown has become the known and the fact that dreams have become reality in the past, which makes our imaginations the key. This understanding will provide our minds with the ability and nourishment to grow required by any life form.  Our continued growth and ability to change has proven to be the key to our success. Domination has been the result and the presumption thus far.

Understanding that Drivers are innately part of our very structure as a human being, than you will accept that the answer to questions evolve at the rate of our ability to ask the question.  Just as in mathematics presenting a problem that will need to have a solution, allowing the understanding needed for our minds to realize that it is the actual problem that will deliver the answer.  Realizing that the equation is simply Time.

This Water Is Going To Be Consumed By Fire, No Drink To Thirst Shall Be In Mired

Dear Mom,
Shame on you, from here on out I will call you out by any name of your own choosing.  You are full to the brim of hypocritical self-deceit.  Your conscience acknowledgement of your own self-proclaimed mastery of all that you have become is the epitome of an ignoramus.  Your oath to yourself and gifts bestowed upon yourself are the actual design in the manifestation of death by-proxy and the inevitable extinction of your very being. Your everyday statement of announcing to me that I came from “Bad Genes” is in itself, your own proclamation from your own body, mind and soul.  This is your cell structure, which you have spoken of all these years.  “Out of the mouth confession is made”.

Your very core has insured, by-proxy, that your spirit, mind, soul and body of your own self gratification, ugliness, lack of compassion, materialism, ambition to elevate yourself at the spiritual and financial cost of any being available or not available to your beckoning, this will cease and desist.  You are that which your have called others.  Your cosmic phone has been cut off.  You were billed and scoffed at the arrival of its price.   This action has been an announcement to all; your ignorance in this matter is to be pitied.  You have shown that pity is for the weak minded and those without moral conviction of spiritual law. 

Your youth has been erased, happiness has become an illusion, pain is the only way you know and you are still here.  The shell you are, is void of life, filled with emptiness, confused by imagination and not yet conscience that by your own design you created that which you abhor.

Your measurement of love, knowledge, understanding, wisdom and generosity has set the limits of that which is limitless, priceless and without measure.  That which you embraced in yourself fouls you.

Shame on you!

Shame on you!

The one’s you choose to “love” will deliver the greatest gift to you.  In return for your training, dedication and living example of glorifying, “the one and only”, the debt that they owe you, will be paid with delightful, guiltless abandoned joy and freedom of will.  This is all voluntary.  They will not even have to divorce themselves from hypocritical self-deceit.  The ones you have chosen to “measure” your “love”, and bestow that which you have accumulated through means of the unnamed.  They will do exactly as they have been trained and charged in life, they will execute that which you have done.

Your success is their guide, their patience has been your measure, your ambition is their alarm clock, and the bell has begun to toll.

The respect that death invokes, the respect that would hold at bay the greed that waits, has bared witness to your impatience.  Your robbery in this course of action has been noted; you have manipulated all, to receive inheritance’s that had rightful heirs.  You have reveled in the design of greed under the pretense of ambition.

Shame on you!

Shame on you!

Listen to these words, for the ones you have chosen to “love” will discount and dismiss my message.

There, in those voices, from the ones you found deserving to bestow yourself, that is the moment you will be smashed with undefiled wisdom.  For now their indulgence will manifest itself to you, as their ambition will not be abstinent.  You taught them well “Blessed are the powerful, they will be revered among the world, cursed are the feeble, old, sick, weak-minded, powerless, dying, for their time is measured and should be blotted out”.

You have paved the path; you will be at the very hand of those you indulged with life.  By the means you taught them well, and they know death is the great abstinence.  This in known to all as a “Dog eat dog”.  Recognize their actions, intentions and words to you, for they are yours.

I will honor your memory by going out into the world and I will bare witness to all.  “Love” has no measure, the more you willingly give, and the return for such a priceless gift shall be ten fold.

You have indulged and rejected abstinence with ingrates.  These are the teachings of your past. But, you did not listen; it was indulgence, not compulsion. You are engulfed in the stagnant morass of yourself.  The reverses that have beset you are no longer under your dominion and they will be unending from this time forth.  Those you have chosen to measure your “love” no longer cherish you.

The pleasures you indulged will flow into anguish, as the fire in your marrow is rendered powerless.  You are devoid of substance.  Your ambition to marry Spiritual Nature with the Carnal Nature left you in a loveless marriage of an Ambitious Nature.  Spiritual Law required you to divorce and to your horror, you were Carnal in the merge, always were, always will be.  Do not fool yourself; your last days on earth are upon you.  You have advertised and announced this message to the world.  Your pride blinded you and your intellect did not reason, because the obvious was invisible.  The gatherings I witnessed, as you blessed the Communion and Challis, filled with the Blood of the Lamb, this was your admission to your hidden agenda. This was an announcement of your half-truths.  The Challis will be of any metal, but may not be gold.  You praised that which you have become.  You spoke “in tongue’s” praising his name.  The pronunciation of your words sealed with your Hebrew lessons.  The translation of such “tongue’s” you exalted did not belong to you, for that is sorcery.  But you were not a Sorceress, only a mindless follower and you spoke in tongues that you memorized and full well new the translation, just as I do.

Shame on you!

Shame on you!

May your days be full of that which you delivered unto others and with the power in which you convicted them.  You have not abided by the Laws of the Land,

Spiritual Laws

Natural Laws

You are ruled and abide by the,

LAW OF THE JUNGLE.

Your lies and deceit built your throne.  It will be assailed without pity, without regret, for under domination of a falsehood, no one can prosper.  You enthroned a sanctified, privileged lie, a lie believed by everyone to be truth.  That is the seed on the most dangerous delusion.  A lie to be known as a half-truth, the lie that an intellectual person accepts as fact, the lie that has been inculcated upon me by you, this lie, your lie, is the most dangerous to contend against.  Pestilence shall be your compulsion.

I, being of sound mind and body, I am now of the age of consent, accept the knowledge and wisdom bestowed upon my heart and soul.  I release the anger, the anger that was an instinct for self-preservation against your relentless attacks.  I forgive.  I stand on the bedrock of this earth with true independence. Spiritual Law has risen in the midst of the web of entanglement that you spun as a disguise.  I now name the one that shall not be named.  He resides within you.

He silenced me as a child of joy and sweetness, a delightful daughter, full of natural and true abilities.  Together “the named” and yourself have been Outed, Outed by the one you silenced with terror.

Shame on you!

Shame on you!

I am free of hypocritical self-deceit.  I embrace that which has been done to me and with the command of my Eternal Right, take dominion over diabolical indignation.  With rationale, in the “eleventh hour”, sweeping aside pain, disappointment and resentment of the past.  I restore Law & Order, Law of Harmony, Ministration and Peace.  This is what shall reside here, from now until eternity.  The double-edged sword which you have wheeled, no longer is yours to use but will remain as a symbol to you.

A path that has never made itself clear to me has determined my whole life.  As an adult I have been consumed by taking care of my children.  On this day, when all of my children are gone, I miss them.  It is confusing, lonely and my life is thrown off track.  My children are the best little people on earth.  Confident intelligent, attractive, well spoken.  I miss them so much.  My loneliness is painful, I can taste it.  As I gaze at the photographs, my heart is torn to pieces.  The ache of not having all of my offspring near me is a pain that I cannot describe.  I do believe they are always in my heart.  It does not matter how far they go, I carry each of them with me. 

I know that what I believe and trust in will watch over my children with a very special eye.  An eye that is specially reserved for those who are not so easily swayed by worldly beliefs and religions.  I believe my children hold inside of them the key to open any door that they wish to explore.  It is a key kept in a safe place, a key for peace and a key for satisfaction.  A nonjudgmental spot for me and for them.  They will take destiny and change it to what they desire.  If I would wish anything for my children, I would wish for them to know happiness and that they will never experience loneliness.

Reality of a Nightmarish Life

My mind races, 

all sorts of thoughts.

My heart beats,

a pounding sense,

increased panic.  

I try to reason,

rationalize my way through,

this onslaught of dangerous and destructive thoughts.  

Fear paralyzes me, 

I become lost in an irrational land,

filled with Flashbacks I rue.

Holes, ditches, rivers, mountains,

describes it best,

as if I have become a Mountaineer in Mind,

these flashes of my past come alive inside,

a life lived again.

Frustration ranks me as I seethe,

I do not want to experience today what happened so long ago,

time traveling in a moment,

so quickly these Scenes show.

Breathing is difficult though,

first I must recognize myself,

the difference in size,

I'm small, not an adult,

recognition, I give.

Patience 'cause it gets mean,

gang rapes, beatings, tortured,

I scream,

I am a Life, I am Alive, I am not an It.

Pacing in my bedroom,

I'm a kid,

I dread.

Next time they'll hit my head,

instead,

throwing boiling hot water from the stove right at my brother,

Scalding.

I hid.

Perverse,

I'm bothered,

where is my Father?

Do these memories fade?

Yes!!  Replaced!!

Just when you believe you have been able to find relief,

forget everything,

these horrors replay like a deed,

memories replaced by flashbacks

 dazed and disgraced I state;

I cannot stop my mind, 

it races in a marathon of a different time, 

a race for life itself,

not to just survive but to be Alive,

to tell, to speak, to be Well.

I am being submersed,

 in what has always been,

 so bizerk!!

I take my frustrations out on myself,

why has this life been dealt?

What is the purpose of these horrors?

Those closest to me,

the perpetrators of these crimes,

do they believe this was fine,

somehow Sublime?

Yes they do,

 as they rehearse upon you,

 they Preach at me;

"Get on your knees!"

"Plead to Our Lord for forgiveness, beg us to forgive You!!"

Screaming with such a boldness,

 I am told;

"We'll know when you mean it!"

"You're a Whore, a Sinner, a Liar, filled with a demonic require!!"

"The Demon of Silence possesses You!!"

The message never changed,

this is all so deranged.

Rearrange

Slow-down,

find the need,

somehow this replay, this repeat must be,

for Reason,

maybe just to remind me.

Am I healing by seeing once again,

that it is I that survived them?

I hate Christians,

I hate the message,

I hate the implication,

I hate the condemnation,

I hate the guilt placed upon a mind,

I hate the presumption,

I hate the double life lived by Religion,

I hate that killing in the name of G_d is an accepted path of redemption.

I hate their forked tongue,

I hate that this has all been done, to me, to you, to everyone.

I Hate and I don't want to,

it is so bad for you,

it's dues. 

Accountability

The Malignant Narcissist plays these games,

to create the energy they need to sustain,

it is simple profane.

I will not be that narcissistic energy,

I will not be your Scapegoat or Blame,

I do not accept your G_d or your Shame.

There will be a day in your life,

when seeing is believing,

where this absurdity is understood.

The Narcissist preys upon Humanity,

with a malignant nature.

Consciously they speak,

it's not just talk,

the words are meant to make you weak,

Your Life,

 "Becomes them" 

so they take it,

in Mind, in Body, and Soul.

This is their goal,

this is what makes them whole!!

BLOG from Me in 2001

Watch the walls fly up in a desperate attempt to establish a perimeter of safety.  I bury myself in a place no one can reach or will even dare go.  They will not go because the venom spewed from this place would corrode the armor carried by any good soldier.  No one! Nowhere! Will destroy or invade my very soul, Defense is the mortar and brick of my walls and the perimeter which I surround myself.  This keeps my enemies from entering or being able to conquer my soul.  I was right in my thought and wrong in my action, to trust any other soul.  At the heart of it, they are all mere mortals!!

The feeble men that walk today’s earth do not hold honor or justice in their grip; these are only terms or vague ideas once held in esteem by others.  Instead excuses have replaced morals. 

“I did not mean to?”

“It was not aimed at you!”

Just when I begin to believe, instinct slaps you and reality is not far behind to bite you!! 

Claim yourself, be strong, no mere mortal soul on earth can take such strength from your Will.  My mind will conquer; my soul will rule my own destiny.

Grace, Prayer, Faith, Belief, what possible comfort has this brought to the millions that believe?  I will tell you what it has brought to them, DEATH!! Death of mind, spirit, body and soul.  Why am I here? Nobody understands me!  Why am I always so polite and quite?  I know exactly why, because a response to an ignorant soul would be energy spent on a worthless cause.

My brain never stops, not when I am drunk, asleep, awake, at no time in my life does my mind just stop thinking.  Being mean to another, what does it express?  Unfinished thoughts or actions.  Why do we use this, as excuses to explain are very simple behavior? This is an excuse for our bitter hurt we feel deep inside of ourselves. Why is it that when we are hurting, we push away the people who seem to care about our well-being?  I do not know?

Will I die? Yes! When?  Sooner than I expect!  My body cannot handle holding the pain inside of myself.  Others are shut out and I do not share well.  My last will and testament would be,

Do not be haunted,

Live life while it is here,

Always be honorable to yourself,

And believe.

Believe in the impossible,

Never loose sight.

We are all human with human faults to live with everyday.  Compassion is a forgotten feeling.  Selfishness has taken its place.  You should be different, because it is as adventure in living our lives.  Be kind, to everyone you meet, they all have their own cross to carry, hold and bear.  Love is an emotion rarely found. When you find it, hold onto to it, for it is rare.  You are fortunate when you have found love; hold it as long as you can!  Short lived happiness, is better than happiness never lived at all.  You will never know what you are missing until it is gone. Silence, the most feared of all the fears, for silence equates with Death.  Death is the one reality, nobody can turn from, or hide from, once it is here, you can not go back.  You cannot go back and love, feel, give compassion or forgive. Death is final and felt with a force that the Dead themselves only know the reality of.

Hello Jim, hello Davy, hello to all you lost and dead souls.  Do you feel a brief connection through the manic strokes of my pen.  Are you desperately searching for redemption?  Look and receive!  The reality of your most morbid demise, you left those behind that you could have helped!!  Instead you made a callus move, the move of a coward, this drove you to take the one thing that you were given, LIFE.

Doesn’t it suck guys and gals; think about it, you could be enjoying the misery of life right now.  You could be feeling the aches and pains.  Instead, you have chosen the final destitute of foreverness without destiny.

But to my Papa, life is beautiful, full of faith, love, joy and happiness.  I have found comfort in your soul.  I love you and I really miss you.  Although your time on earth was done, I trust I will meet you again in the here after.  Confirm my belief; comfort my soul, in this I trust. I miss you so much; your soul on earth comforted my lonely spirit.  I draw comfort through the eyes of my son, inside of his eyes I see you.  The compassion passed on from you to me and in turn to him.  You live on inside of him.  You would be so proud of him; you would shine as you gazed upon him. 

One final thought, nobody would ever save you from your own nightmares.  You must confront your own fears, face them, turn from them and walk away from them.  For it is in the deepest corners of our minds that we will find the answers, our fears will become known to us, know them, overcome them, do not run from them. Sadly, I still do.