As I search out what is new today, I find myself reminded of when I was a very small child. The past few days I have spent in so much fear. I go to retire and I am filled with terror. It reminded me of when I was very small. The people in my life would leave me places while they went off and did whatever they pleased. I would sit for hours apparently, without moving. My older brother and sister laughed some years ago, about how if you told me to sit there; I would. I would not get up again until someone came back to get me. This reminds me of time with my mother. She ventured into so many places that I find difficulty speaking about. But, I do remember sitting alone.
I was told once by someone that knew me when I was young. That when they originally met my mother in the late sixties, that I was curled up in a chair, sucking my thumb. They went on to tell me how my mother used to farm me out to strangers to take care of me, because she was so busy starting her new church. They told me how cruellyI was treated and how neglected I was as a child. It was really difficult for me to listen, but, I found it somehow relieving too. Funny how you know you were ignored and taken advantage of, but, when you start to put different names on it, like molestation, neglect, etc, it changes how you feel.
There is this enormous pain inside of me, I cry so hard sometimes. No noise escapes my lips when this happens, it is a silent scream. I have been so conditioned to never show this to anyone, let alone allow anyone to hear me cry. My step-father would beat me to remind me of this fact. I was told by one of the parishioners that they remembered a day with me, they said I must not have been more than four or so. I had done something wrong at the kitchen table an my step-father turned and hit me so hard on my arm it welted up immediately. This person said she waited for me to cry or scream, but I just sat without emotion. She thought how horrid it was to be treated so harshly and abusively.
It's strange to hear such stories, it hurts to think on such things. Both my mother and step-father are still alive and active in the running of the same church. I wonder sometimes, will I be able to stand one day without fear?
I had a shrink last year write how my life was the most remarkable, yet tragic lives he had ever run across. Normally you never get to see these reports, but in this case, while in his office he said that I could request a copy, so I did. While reading it I realized that there is so much in my life that I have never faced but is so present in my life today.
My mother is a Sociopath, a diagnosis from long ago. It is interesting to read the definition of this type of person.
Profile of the Sociopath
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.
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DSM-IV Definition
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.
Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)
1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.
2. At least eighteen years in age.
3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.
4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.
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