Blind Sided by what has a 30 Year jump on me: Parental Figures!!

Blind-sided in a quiet field.

A peace that was found was blown away by that moment of reality.  Recovery is something we do to survive but as we begin to stand I become leery of all that is around me.

How can history repeat itself so easily? 

Is the end only a dam that will soon break too?

Will you be forced down a torrent wall of water smashing into rocks cutting you with the sharp edges? 

The sting follows as the numbness where’s off.  You go in and out of a comatose state wondering if you are dreaming or could this nightmare be true!!

Will the end ever arrive?

Does life ever ease you into a calming environment?

Or, just as its been, do you float aimlessly around in the temporary comfort exploring your newly found home? 

As you begin to warm in the comfort of your new home you feel that familiar yet terrifying pull.  At first, you do not strain but as this feeling becomes stronger and attitudes seem to be changing directly in front of you, your terror becomes horror.  As you realize the inevitable is about to happen!  The knawing teeth, the smashing wall of words, the impending fear of drowning is all of this madness is happening again!!

Is it him?

Why can’t life be kind?

How much must one bare before it becomes to much? 

Where is the limit found?

Where is the switch to turn “it” off? 

"Where is the gage to measure the pain?"

A sort of calculator to monitor what you know you can take.  So much frustration built up inside of me.  So much anger and fear.  The hope of knowing love seems completely lost.  Yet occasionally I tap into it and see the hope of knowing what may possibly be for me.  Those moments are precious and few, but they are there for me to experience and see.

"Will I ever find that fountain or just experience drops of joy?"

Communication and sharing are my weaknesses. Trust is my enemy.  My heart is buried in a deep and dark grave.  Afraid to be born, yet dreading an eternity of loneliness.  My mind is a mire of sadness and despair. I cannot find the words to express myself.  Chances and gambles are what I like to choose. There is safety there.  Living and breathing is what makes me feel alive in this world.