The Destruction of my C.D. Plan

I was left in the National Park,

my family drove away,

laughter from the car tore myself apart.

"Some one love me, some one won't leave Me."

The car banked the turn and I fell where I stood.

I watched through the trees,

the station wagon would lean,

as it curved out of each turn.

The voices so merry,

and I was so forlorn, to death did I grasp.

I was left in the dark,

I was left to go check

to see if anything had been left behind

on this picnic of mine.

I did not know that the thing was me.

They all piled in and screeching I heard.

I ran so fast,I thought I got back,

but all I did see were the tail lights,

no brakes lights lite up,

no doors opened to say,

"Run little sister they mean to kill you today."

I scream in myself, it's been years since this day,

and today I can't breath, for the memory is me.

I was not even Three, they left me to see.

when I fell to my knees, I thought of the time,

that I lived through this bind.

One year or forty, fifty or sixty years, the years could pass,

the pain it does last, for once you've left, you never look back.

Your blinded by pain, if you ever run back, there is emptiness always; You stare.

Until this moment you will not know what its like,

so don't ask the questions, of God or fuck christ,

I stood alone and I had already fallen twice in this zone.

TIMES DOES NOT HEAL THESE KINDS OF WOUNDS!

Human Beings are the cruelest of creatures I know,

they leave not scars but they burn in and char,

whatever they are.

I'll never forget, you Rebecca Mae Dyas, I live in the present,

who would live in this past.

You forget it so fast, you fall for it again and again and again.

It's people like you that lead me down there,

I never suspect, it happens so fast.

You bring on the monsters that haunt me from then

I don't live inside places that scare me so much that the terror becomes my nightmares,

and day mares are back.

You assume with your pompous regime of degree,

and one day you'll know that you never knew me.

Your description of sickness, its sterile from you,

"I will not change," you said this, with what part of your mind,

could even imagine I'd live where I died? 

Is this your presume? Your preference to me?

I try everyday to never remind, let alone remember to any degree,

that I was left behind, In the night with no cars,

there were no people, the park was closed and we were the last to exit that night.

Who would live in a time to remind themselves of,

the family who never loved them,

from birth to this day,

they curse me and say,

"She is possessed and the Beast 666, she is, we know, 'cause we are the best."

they do not protest, they know this for certain and repeat it for zest.
My Family that is, just in case you're confused by all of this news.

Why would I remind myself of this pain,

I ran and I ran, I run till I can,

find peace in my mind,

and kindness from some.

All you have done Rebecca Mae,

is drag up in my mind, pulled me back into time,

that screaming inside can't be heard from beyond,

'cause god forbid it still hurt to be left in the dirt,
face down where it hurts.

Screaming in silence with tears that don't come,
but today they did pour,

after suffering a bag that suffocated the fact,

that air is not needed, you just have to stand back.

Understand what has happened,
 and be mad that you missed,

what seem to have hissed at such a fast pace,

I jumped and I missed.

And Rebecca you're great, you and your emails of hatred and more,

made me recount what happened from birth till Ed was a boy.

Destroyed what was healed,

for the sake or the need to say, "Please stop I can feel."

I hope it was worth it for you to do and leave me in side of a place,

in my mind, that is so very unkind,

you don't know it exists this place in my brain.

Why would I tell you of such lifetime pain.

I would have ruined you before you turned Nine.

You never spent years with me, helping me with anything,

You went off to College, got drunk and did drugs,

fucked boys, went to my Mother's on Holidays and Summers.

Went out with Sarah your Aunt,
before you were legal to drink in a Bar.

Last time I saw you, I told you my truth,

diagnosed as a kid, I thought it would heal.
Make you laugh, it was stupid and not such a big deal.

A genius I said, I joked so you'd feel at ease with the fact,

that I was so young when it happened like that.

You screamed at me saying, "It doesn't count if Dennis said that!"

What a strange response from an eldest daughter: I prompt!

But thanks to you, you caused an erupt,

left you did, just like it was then,

a National Park I was in: KNOT!
This time I sat on a couch without even one friend.

I was all alone, yet it happened again.
I opened your note, excited to see,

it had been so long since you had been near or written to me.

The pain was the same,
 the memory had not hit,
I forgot all the things that happened from then,
I could not even remember the when.

But today is the day and early it starts,
it takes it all day to even begin.

So, as the Bell Tolls,
 as that ball begins to roll,
down memory lane we take that stroll,

I live not in those yesterdays,
for if I did, I would be dead today.

The pain is so deep and it rips when I see,

the car pull away or the note and your say.

"So live in the present," you said, it was mean.
It is what you wrote,

but know that your words, if that's what you mean,

took yet one more life and I'm tired of it always being mine.

Related you are to the ones that did leave,

the small girl that was left, sadly, was me.

No possible way could you ever be mine,
 to say that you're my daughter,

would be a mistake,
and obvious change has caused us to break our relate.

You will know that your name I did give,
Rebecca Mae has caused an alliance,

the death of her mother in mind and in spirit, in heart and in Soul,

thank goodness for that, for I doth not own the last two destroyed from out of this home,

my body does shriek.

I dumped long ago.
One Soul it was sold to my mother in blood,
the Heart I gave away, not to long after, I knew it was not needed,
in a place that found laughter at the cost of a life in obvious strife. 

I am sorry James Blunt, I held high hopes for myself once, in fact many did joke,

that they have danced by your side, met you in person.

The very same crowd that I speak of on here, told me this so clear.

Now that it's over, Rebecca destroyed, five years of planning,

so I would not run and maybe find out what love was about.

And then I could possibly be brave enough to hold a mans hand,

not yours, I'm not stupid.
But as I have said before, my family, my sisters, my no more friends,
rammed down my throat they did,

apparently they thought I wanted just you,

no other would do for me they said.

I used to believe that dreams do come true,

I used to believe that if you do what you are meant to,

if you work really hard, you will deserve and earn a good heart.

That what you do sow, is what you will reap,

that if your dreams have some balance,

then magic may help,

if life's been to much and all you really, really need,
is a little bit of help.

In a dream that I had I knew I did not

want for one thing to happen again,

to be left alone, standing with out a hand or a friend.

The tears they do flow, from those times to these,
the ages of Two and of Three, I cannot take this, what have I done?

But to ruin a Man, I don't even know, I can't hear his music,

it's gone with the flow, of all the hard work to take me away,

in my mind from the pain, I would turn him up loud,

James Blunt sang away, deaf I became, to hurt and the pain.

His heart in the front and he was my plan,

so that I could stay in the moment of now.

I never wanted to lose myself again to the ages,
 of times or in memories that cause me so much fear.

Before I was Ten,

when beatings were fine,

rape was O.K.,

I was the trash can for all of them.

They'd say so casually,  "She don't belong to anyone, anyway."

Let her scream, she might, but who really cares,

she's dead in her mind and she's mine to do with as, as I please anyhow!

Don't worry your mind,

Rebecca Mae,

James Blunt will not care,

he is a Pop Star, a singer from England.

I thought he was cool and really kind of handsome too.

He is busy with his own life, he doesn't read these stupid things that I write.

Least of all care of the pains of a woman, even if I was a fan,
named Set_Zero, I'm gone..

Have a wonderful life,
my Becky Mae of Sunny Brook Farm,
with memories so clean,
"No Regrets" your address, just like my mother.

More importantly so, I loved my mother regardless,

I just did not understand her, it's impossible too.

But know this for now,
you have done and accomplished what it took Five Years to do.

I have not one friend, on a C.D. or in person, or you.

So thank you for destroying me yet once again,

it's been nice to know that I cannot breath from terror of whats been.
I'm older now, you would think I could deal,
but it just gets worse because it's so real.

Shake from the inside,
 I am having flashbacks that are kept in films that are wrapped,

in the back of my mind,
it was the design,
the first time that terror came and left from behind.

It is Nature that makes it so that you will,
never forget the pain and until,
the perfect situation, like this to recall,

in vivid reality what happened, it was raw.

Pink Floyd will rock me tonight I believe,

right out of my mind and into my need,
of peace and sanity, so that I can survive yet one more night.

Have you heard it, it's mine.

Titled,

"Wish You Were Here"

May you believe in what you never see,

but what has never haunted me; Stay. 

So I am never alone again,

I know that I'll never know sin.

I would rather be with what I know well,

then feel compelled to take a life,

with an email or two.

~