To Be Free Of A Conscience

I seem to attract the same type of person as my mother.  It as if the people that have been part of my life have some undercurrent of understanding that lends them to taking advantage of me.  I know that we have a tendency to become close to people that are the same as the people who raised us.  As I become more aware of the common denominators between these people in my life, I realize that what I was so anxious to know is coming to light.  I was very concerned that I not make rash decisions when meeting new people.  I watched as my mother would railroad people for just existing.  I knew that without a conscience she was able to do the things she did each day because she was free of guilt or dismay. What I have grown to learn is "the lack of conscience" that my mother suffers from is wider spread than one would believe. 

A person that railroads another into feeling useless or worthless is a person lacking in the simple rules of humanity.  The oddity of this really lies in the fact that this type of person believes themselves to not be recognizable by anyone else. It is as if they believe they are getting off scot free with the way that they behave.  Simply because nobody seems to be able to discern their true desire or nature. They fancy about without fear of discovery.  Interestingly this is a learned behavior and as the person gets older they become more absorbed by the fact that they have been able to get away with such lack of morals or conscience for so many years. This is when the pattern changes and sloppiness becomes there marker.

Being more adept to knowing that this type of personality exists is helpful. I find myself fascinated by the tyranny they seem to think goes unnoticed.  As a person of no conscience begins to age, they become so arrogant in the lies they tell and they become lost inside of the truth. They become more capable of turning a blind eye to the people or individuals that they have now sighted in as part of their next con.  In doing so, they loose sight of the layman who may be in the vicinity. You may be just hanging out in life trying to figure out what is wrong with your life. As a witness to what they are proposing to do next, you sometimes forget to protect yourself. The con may be run on family, friends, survivors or children.  There is nobody that is above, beneath or out of reach to these people once they have decided you have worth to steal. The worth can be your intelligence, good nature or actual belongings or monies, trust funds or wills.
Interestingly their age is their vulnerability. As they get older you begin to see how negative they become towards life.  They live this strange guiltless life. It is the fact that they are always guilt-free that becomes the torch that lights up and burns so bright. The light from the flame nearly blinds you when your with them. It is as if they are blood thirsty for the impending disasters. To be familiar with the pompous acts of a human being living this type of existence is truly an experience. To watch what excites and demands the constant attention of this person that has no conscience is difficult to describe.  The time that they will spend on a potential candidate is indeed limitless.  They will go around and around, never ending the attack of another human being.  To be rid of such a man or woman is truly impossible. They will never give-up or change the approach on you. If they experienced the thrill of the success at least once you are in big trouble.  Nothing will stop their advances after this happens. 

The importance of knowing that this does take a highly intelligent being, is paramount in recognizing what your defenses may actually be.  Being honest and upfront with yourself about your own intelligence is essential too.  I have had to take it slow in my own life. My life has been a gradual step-ladder to understanding better the events of my childhood.  As I become more aware of the people around me, I realize that my journey has become a very steep climb. I seem to end up with exactly my mother again.  I know this sounds odd, but in reality would we not settle with who made us most comfortable in life.  I only know strife, disappointment, negativity, verbal abuse, physical abuse, rape, molestation and neglect.  Taking this into consideration would I not end up with whom by design had a striking resemblance in mind.

Amazingly this type of person believes themselves to be unidentifiable by anyone. Their mind is structured in such a manner that they will dole out in very specific measure pleasure, love, attention, kindness, compliments, sweetness and many other things along these same lines. They believe that nobody will be able to notice them in public, private, socially or at the work place. This type of person spends many hours fine-tuning the behaviours that copy others who show high moral character.  By sliding in behind people with good-hearted intentions, they go unnoticed and are often looked upon as victims. They are usually considered to be self-sacrificing in their life.

I often wonder, does anyone ever stop and think about the fact that there is always crisis in this persons life?   There is always a matter at hand that demands instant action or attention?  Usually it is somebody else causing them the turmoil. Do you think that anyone realizes that the con within a family is as easy or even easier to pull off.  Your family always embraces you or at least that is what I have been told.  My mother would always tell her friends that her children were the cause of all her pain.

When the crisis is used to take advantage of the next person, it is the delivery of the crisis that is paramount to the success of the con.  I always wonder about the people the con is run on, do they ever stop to ask themselves why a grown individual is blaming another for their lack of ability to thrive. This is usually the basis of their character.

People lacking a moral compass and exhibiting signs of no conscience are terrors on society.  I don't feel sorry for anyone in these situations and I have to really work on myself about feeling this way. I watched as each and every con was played out as a child. I never saw in pity or anybody feeling bad about anything. Once the entire con was over whomever it had happened to would just disappear.  We would never see them again.  I cannot tell you how many times people left this situation, never to return.  Nobody ever confronted my mother on anything. It must be very difficult to be a person that stands up to another human being and demands morality. I never saw it happen.  I often wonder about the people that were helping my parents beat me or keep me up for hours, telling me I was full of demons.  I am curious about what they are doing today and if they ever think about what they did to me when I was young.

I have suffered greatly due to bad decisions with people.  I am just a terrible judge of character.
Being the scapegoat daughter of a cult leader, I am tired and worn out.  I had hoped I would know love one day, but it seems so painful to even try on.  I have a wonderful psychiatrist that told me I have a really good heart and that I have just been really hurt. I know that most people would say don't give-up hope.  

I find a need to write and speak, to see if I cannot help others in troubled situations.  As I become better versed in my own life, I find that I may have a unique view of this type of person.  I was surrounded by so much and I have had so many experiences that I feel this may end up being a blessing instead of a curse.  Maybe by writing a book about my life I can help others not fall into the trap of a narcissist.
Just remember that for some people it is better to not expect kindness from humanity because of the crimes of their mother.  So those of us that suffer this plight are lucky when we begin to realize we can do something for others and use all these negative type of experiences for something positive.

A New Day!

As I search out what is new today, I find myself reminded of when I was a very small child.  The past few days I have spent in so much fear.  I go to retire and I am filled with terror.  It reminded me of when I was very small. The people in my life would leave me places while they went off and did whatever they pleased.  I would sit for hours apparently, without moving.  My older brother and sister laughed some years ago, about how if you told me to sit there; I would.  I would not get up again until someone came back to get me.  This reminds me of time with my mother.  She ventured into so many places that I find difficulty speaking about.  But, I do remember sitting alone.

I was told once by someone that knew me when I was young.  That when they originally met my mother in the late sixties, that I was curled up in a chair, sucking my thumb.  They went on to tell me how my mother used to farm me out to strangers to take care of me, because she was so busy starting her new church.  They told me how cruellyI was treated and how neglected I was as a child.  It was really difficult for me to listen, but, I found it somehow relieving too.  Funny how you know you were ignored and taken advantage of, but, when you start to put different names on it, like molestation, neglect, etc, it changes how you feel.

There is this enormous pain inside of me, I cry so hard sometimes.  No noise escapes my lips when this happens, it is a silent scream.  I have been so conditioned to never show this to anyone, let alone allow anyone to hear me cry.  My step-father would beat me to remind me of this fact.  I was told by one of the parishioners that they remembered a day with me, they said I must not have been more than four or so.  I had done something wrong at the kitchen table an my step-father turned and hit me so hard on my arm it welted up immediately. This person said she waited for me to cry or scream, but I just sat without emotion.  She thought how horrid it was to be treated so harshly and abusively. 

It's strange to hear such stories, it hurts to think on such things.  Both my mother and step-father are still alive and active in the running of the same church.  I wonder sometimes, will I be able to stand one day without fear? 

I had a shrink last year write how my life was the most remarkable, yet tragic lives he had ever run across.  Normally you never get to see these reports, but in this case, while in his office he said that I could request a copy, so I did.  While reading it I realized that there is so much in my life that I have never faced but is so present in my life today. 

My mother is a Sociopath, a diagnosis from long ago.  It is interesting to read the definition of this type of person. 

Profile of the Sociopath
This website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths.
Glibness and Superficial Charm
Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Incapacity for Love
Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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Other Related Qualities:
Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose
May state readily that their goal is to rule the world
(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)
NOTE: In the 1830's this disorder was called "moral insanity." By 1900 it was changed to "psychopathic personality." More recently it has been termed "antisocial personality disorder" in the DSM-III and DSM-IV. Some critics have complained that, in the attempt to rely only on 'objective' criteria, the DSM has broadened the concept to include too many individuals. The APD category includes people who commit illegal, immoral or self-serving acts for a variety of reasons and are not necessarily psychopaths.
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DSM-IV Definition
Antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture. There is a marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules. Individuals with this disorder are sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.
Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV)
1. Since the age of fifteen there has been a disregard for and violation of the right's of others, those right's considered normal by the local culture, as indicated by at least three of the following:
A. Repeated acts that could lead to arrest.
B. Conning for pleasure or profit, repeated lying, or the use of aliases.
C. Failure to plan ahead or being impulsive.
D. Repeated assaults on others.
E. Reckless when it comes to their or others safety.
F. Poor work behavior or failure to honor financial obligations.
G. Rationalizing the pain they inflict on others.
2. At least eighteen years in age.
3. Evidence of a Conduct Disorder, with its onset before the age of fifteen.
4. Symptoms not due to another mental disorder.