I started my journey five years ago, 2006. So far I have forged through my entire life and now I am stuck at around two years old. It is odd how I seem to understand things better when I go backwards in my mind to see what I don't always understand about myself. Sometimes I try to reason with myself and say that these scenes in my mind cannot possibly be my life. The upsetting thing always ends up being that it is my life.
The fact is that I put everything into paint cans when I was eight. I hammered the lids shut and stored them carefully in the corners of my mind. I imagined this would be the easiest way to sort everything that had happened in my life so far. Using the colors of the rainbow as a "Table of Contents" seemed perfect to be able to separate each trauma out by color. I did not have the problem of running out of paint cans because it seems that colors are limitless. Leaving me there plenty to use for my complex problem. Plus, when I saw a rainbow it always made me smile. This was something I had planned while separating all the traumas one by one into their own color coated paint can. I wanted to have good memories not bad ones, it really did work too. I used this process of compartmentalizing things up to a few years ago.
I wrote this on my birthday in 2009;
Red, Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange,
They do not need any air!!
I need to drain the fear from me,
to late, don't shed a tear, it's clear.
That can, that lid, it's over here.
Close one eye and do not steer.
The Hardware Store is almost here.
It was as if the entire scene that I have painted here exploded in one fell swoop of my mothers attack on my life five years ago. It was an ugly mess inside my mind. Frustration, anger, and rage filled me to the rim. I had spent so many years spending so much time keeping this all at the correct temperature so that the lids would not blow, then they did. I guess my plan at eight had some flaws. I don't think that I knew that heat could make the top of a can blow off.
I know that recently my frustration has been exposed. I am not sorry, nor am I embarrassed to write what has come to mind after all these years. Sadly, this is my life and I am angry that I have not been able to find what I set out looking for in the very beginning. I remember making a decision when I was very young while staring at my mother. I thought that I would do the opposite of her and then I would not be hurting people as I witnessed her doing daily. So, I did, I watched and did the opposite of her, always. I have not taken advantage of people, I do not run cons, I do not use the manipulation of brainwashing on others, I do not blackmail people, I do not beat them emotionally until they sign over their Trust Funds and Wills to me. I have lived a life where I have worked hard for what I own.
I was determined that if I worked hard that I could find all the things that I seem to see but do not feel or understand for myself. I looked for love, peace, happiness, joy, positive growth as a human being, compassion and all I have found is more narcissistic people that rip me off emotionally and physically. It has taken me forever to understand that this is what I have met and what I have been surrounded with my entire life, even as an adult. You see I did not find the word or definition there-of (Narcissist, Malignant Narcissist) until recently in my life. Nobody tuned me in on the fact that there was even a description of my mother or situation. I guess that goes to show I was in the midst of all of these monsters constantly. I am so stupid that I did not know this and that I continued to take people at face value. I would believe everything that they told me. I would not question what they said to me. I did not think people lied constantly until just recently.
Looking back I believe I am more angry now than I have ever been at anytime during my life. Of course, every person that I know has turned their back on me. This has all been since I have come to terms with my own tragedy and began to speak out in my defense of myself. As soon as I began to defend myself and require friends just to allow me to express my own feelings on any said subject, they stopped talking to me, calling me or just hanging out with me.
All they have proceeded to do is make me drive harder into my past to discover what it may be that repulses them so much that they cannot see or speak to me anymore. Are each of them responsible for something horrific in my life? Even as an adult? Did they help to drive my children away from me when they could have helped them find me? I know that the harder and colder that I have been treated by people whom I have told my diagnosis, the worse I get towards wanting to know all of the facts. I am becoming driven to find the truth in my mind, no matter the pain that it causes me. I am trying to go back through things in my mind to understand and find reason for such deplorable treatment. The last thing you are meant to do to someone with C-PTSD, is to isolate, tell them to get over it, tell them to shut-up, its done, there is nothing you can do about it, etc.
What has happened, has happened. I am healing from the hurt of having nobody on my side and accepting my isolated existence. I have been trying to heal myself by confronting what comes into my mind via flashbacks. I believe that the flashbacks may be a sign of healing anyway. I think it is a sign that my mind is capable of now looking at the horrors of my life. It is an attempt to piece them together with the now running dialogue in my head. If you put that with the understanding and reasoning capabilities of an adult view, I think I can actually begin to come up with the answers that are so badly needed in my life. I am encouraged by my attempt everyday to conquer yet another fear that causes me such grief and dismay. I am now capable of realizing that being the person that I am naturally is more than O.K. I am filled with the capability to express myself clearly.
I am outraged by the behavior of not just the people in my life as a youth but the people in my life as an adult. They thought that my company was suspect five years ago, imagine their surprise when one day I speak in an open forum of exposing monsters for a living and I tell the very personal stories of their life and interaction with me as adult. As I tell the public at large about how much money has been taken from me, how items in my home have been removed and kept by them. As I speak on how my trusting nature with trucks that needed to be sold, were sold and the money kept by that same person. I will speak on how I tried to confront the issue at hand and they screamed and yelled saying that I was nuts just like my mother. While I would stare and wonder why I did not see that this person like they were on that day. I promise you that one day I will tell my story so that I can prevent other young and very innocent lives from going through the pain that I have suffered until I now. I never knew that these monsters were defined and known by the public as I know them personally. I will continue my march as I am, determined to expose the narcissistic and malignant narcissist alike.
I will testify to the trials of my life. You see I took what I saw, what I knew, all the things I learned growing up and what I understood to be proper behavior in this world and threw it aside. I went on a search for peace, reason, love, acceptance and a life that I could lead without the terror and fear I felt as a child. A life that would be respectable and not full of contempt or rage. I pretended my entire life, I acted through everything so that I would be acceptable to you. I have been a victim of selfish, manipulative liars. Knowing that you are aware of yourselves, I give you fair warning that I will not cease my life's journey to find and be a peace with myself. It is just that now I will speak a more vicious truth, not disguising my words to protect your mind from reading the absolute and horrid reality that I have lived. I am a testimony to myself, my survival, my own journey to find love and reason for your lack of morality. I accept you as you are, with no changes, no conditions to any one way you behave, but you don't accept me the same way. It's O.K. I accept me as I am and that is the biggest and most difficult hurdle to face. I love myself and I am O.K. just the way I am, no conditions to place on my mind to just exist or live freely.
I want to be able to help you right out of your lies and into my truth. I want it out there for everyone to read. I will never quit on myself or the innocent lives of those that are stuck in the con you are running constantly on humanity. I believe in the impossible becoming possible, I believe in me as I am. I am dedicated to being real and not having to act for you or anyone else anymore. I quit. Reality rules, no matter the graphic nature of its truth when it is spoken, written or felt by the individual that just survived in this life.
I am not sorry that I took all of you at face value up to now. I can never have the finger pointed at me, saying I was full of rage, anger and was oblivious to others in the plight of life. So thank you for your friendship, thank you for your lessons in life, it has molded me into the person that I am today. Trust is thrown away permanently in my life. It is no longer to be had by me. I hate you and that's O.K. for me to say do now at this time in my life. I understand what hatred is really about. I am working through that too. I do wonder sometimes if you know that continuing to hurt a person that has been so badly hurt is wrong to do. I will not forgive what has happened to me, because what has happened to me makes me the unique individual that I continue to be. Why would I want to be different than I am. I like me, I have survived what is not survivable, so I am told. I am still intact. I just come from the other side of things, with a different character base than you seem to possess. But, truthfully I believe that the ones that have done these things to me to be evil and I am actually okay.
