Tuesday, October 16, 2012

As A Daughter Of A Malignant Narcissistic Mother


.....  as my siblings and my mother along with her current Husband and others support this victimization of late, I found this article that states my feelings...


Depth of Narcissistic Abuse is Devastating

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD


"Victims of narcissistic abuse--spouses, children, siblings--so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: "They don't get it." They are saying that other people even in their own families do  not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince--very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous--screaming fits that never stop, intimidation and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific "I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you." Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don't deserve it, that the image of a "perfect family" doesn't mean anything next to the truth----You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first."




You Cannot Trust Your Narcissistic Relatives
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"..when we grow up in a family of narcissists. If you were raised in this type of pathological family constellation, you knew early that your mother, father, siblings, etc. were not on your side. You knew that you would be betrayed if you dared to share confidences with them.

Your siblings were highly competitive against you. These young narcissists saw you as weak and inferior and treated you in kind. There are innumerable life stories of brutal childhoods that the victims of narcissistic family members endure." 


Narcissist's Cycles of Revenge

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"The world of revenge is dark and murky. It is enmeshed with secrets, of plots to destroy another by revealing private information that will injure another human being, psychologically and emotionally. Narcissistic revenge can become very ugly..."

The narcissist will never change and is likely to continue delusional cycles of revenge until he or she finds another opponent."


Narcissists......Ravenous Exploiters
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD


"Winning is defined as defeating competitors at any cost, discarding those who have fallen on tough times (Narcissists blame those who through no fault of their own have not been able to "make it")  manipulating those who are emotionally vulnerable. Narcissists are seamless performers. They appear to care about you and they are believable with their chronic lying. Their plan is to exploit you and your gifts, contacts and creative ideas. When they have squeezed the most they need for their satisfaction, you are discarded. This occurs whether you have known them for months, years or decades. There is always a time certain when you will be sent into the darkness alone unless you are fulfilling some essential selfish need that they have. Narcissists don't have real relationships. They view you as a commodity and determine your value."


Covert Narcissists....Doing their Dirty Work in Secret

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD


"Covert narcissists are very sneaky. They get as much inside personal information they can about
you.. They put this in their back pocket so they can use it on you later when they decide to make a power move and wipe you out. They thread themselves closer and closer into your life. This happens in many romantic relationships. The CV has done some research and realizes quickly that you are a great catch---short or long range--a week, a month or even a marriage. Coverts like to see their plans become successful. This is all done deliberately."



Narcissistic Mother's Corrosive Envy of Their Daughters
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD


"The homes of these daughters become prisons--at times a form of solitary confinement.

"When daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up and become teenagers and young women, the NM vies for the attention of the young men who come to visit. She may even become seductive with the daughter's male friends and proposition them. In some ugly scenes the young fellow goes along and has a sexual fling with the narcissistic mom. The humiliation and horror of discovering your mother's breach of morality and her complete betrayal of her maternal role is emotionally intolerable. The narcissistic mother has no conscience-"



One Notorious Narcissist... Taking Down Many Lives

by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"It is chilling to watch a narcissistic sociopath rip people's lives apart.and get away with it. This doesn't happen once or twice. It is a way of life for these people. I have never seen them pay for perniciously predatory behavior. In fact some of those who are magnetic sociopaths have devoted followers who want to be just like them. They are enshrined and venerated due to their material success and the level of power they wield in the world---their social and business connections. Everything is fixed for them. They can get anything they want done by making a phone call or sending a text. Some come to their defense and say: "Oh they must be suffering!" Really!!!! That is not possible without conscience, empathy or human decency. They cause hurt and pain to those around them, especially if individuals targeted are highly sensitive and vulnerable individuals." 




Your Finely Tuned Intuition Protects Against the Narcissist
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought.  You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes from intuition."


Narcissistic Mother's Pernicious Envy of Daughter
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected---left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom's enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the "problem daughter" who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental  inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother's attempt to demean and diminish her daughter's identity."


Narcissistic Siblings - Secret Cruelties - Hair Raising Terrors
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD



"The psychological pain that can lead to post traumatic stress suffered by those who grow up with narcissistic siblings is often overlooked.  No one will talk about it. 

This imposition of terror by the narcissistic child is not uncommon in these families.

They are treated like inanimate objects or the continuous target of verbal abuse, humiliations, false acquisitions, name calling  and shaming. The narcissistic mother may even join forces and lead the cruel bombardments and threats. This behavior is highly sadistic and many victims of narcissistic sibling abuse suffer from psychological trauma years after these cruelties are perpetrated. The more chronic and violent the verbal and physical abuse is the greater the chance of the scapegoated child for development of post traumatic stress. 


These terrors are perpetrated in secrecy which makes their aftereffects long lasting and deeply etched on the growing psyche."


Children of Narcissists - Exposing their Narcissistic Parent
by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD

"At the end of a very long road there are adult children who finally cannot tolerate the verbal abuse, accusations, emotional coldness and all out rejection and pernicious psychological projection and evil revenge----They must speak the truth. I hear from them and read about it in many blogs." 




9 comments:

Anonymous said...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA7xomlVagM

State of life-may I live-may I love
Coming out the sky, I name me a name

Coming out-silver word-what it is
It is the very nature of the sound the game
Siamese, indionese. to tibet treat the life
As a game, if you please

(hey)

Coming up-carabi-this sense of freedom
Derives from a medative state

Movin' on, 'believe' that's it, call it magic
Third world, it is, I only guessed it

Shablam idi shablam ida
Shablam idi shablam ida
Shablam idi shablam ida

Shot to the soul-the flame of oroladin
The essence of the word
The 'state of independence'


Sounds like a signal from you
Bring me to meet your sound
And I will bring you to my heart

Love like a signal you call
Touching my body my soul
Bring to me, you to meet me here
Home be the temple of your heart
Home be the body of your love
Just like holy water to my lips

(hey, hey)

Yes I do know how I survive
(yes I do know) know why I'm alive
To love and be with you
Day by day by day by day

(hey, hey)
Say-aye yaya oh
(yayah yaya oh)
'be the sound of higher love' today

(yayah)

(hey, hey)
Time, time again, it is said
We will hear, we will see
See it all-in his wisdom-hear
His truth will abound the land
This truth will abound the land
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be
Time, time again, it is said
We will hear, we will see
See it all-in his wisdom-hear
His truth will abound the land
This truth will abound the land
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be
This state of independence shall be

Anonymous said...

Its horrible to live under malignant narcissism in my family, being torn emotionally till 3 times I almost died. No one listens. Just when I've cut ties, moved on they find a way to steal our joy, to force us away from our dreams then I am accused of being at fault, for not being strong enough to allow them to do this but they keep changing the rules. People I once loved and trusted suddenly cut me out of their life, my own God daughter the day after her baby shower, her own mother took no interest in her growing up. I always did, but since I made so many personal things for her baby, my sister had to deface me, cut me out of the family especially once she saw how close I was with the in laws, but the mother in law was so much like me. She was adopted, I have three adopted children after raising 3 bio kids till adults, but they tried to send me to prison and force our kids into foster care. False accusations, and my parents say I am to blame for saying my sister has a criminal record? Over 22 years of her attacking me with them looking the other way. I have no therapist who GETS how BAD this is! They want me to be nicer to them or work on a family tree and go over each person when we are CRISIS mode and tell them! Waiting 3 weeks to see a new one who we told it was urgent.

Tammy Stubbs said...

The only way I could explain , in it's simplest of terms, to my daughter; who has spent the last 4 years being tortured by her Aunt (my sister-in-law) and also by her cousin (my SIL's daughter) *** my daughter and my niece are both 18*** how to embrace this experience is this...

"It could be worse... you could be in their shoes."

I tell her that the truth of the situation is that, as painful as it is to be the victim of such a soulless person, it will never compare to the agony it is to actually be them.

Knowing and understanding this helps her become a better person with every attack on her character. I tell her that instead of taking away from her, they actually help her gain more of the very thing that they will never possess ... Empathy for another

The inability to feel empathy is a living hell. It is a pain that is only numbed in the brief moment they are taking away another person's self worth. But the pain and agony always return and the need to numb that pain consumes that person's entire life. It never goes away, even though they cover it up, pretend it isn't there and paint a picture of perfection for the world... when the world isn't watching... in the quiet moments when it's time to look in the mirror and see the person staring back at them ... that is when they see who they truly are and you see who you truly are...

I tell her... Don't hate them... anyone can hate, Feel sorry for them... Show them empathy. Let their shortcomings be a lesson on who you truly are.

Lies and rumors fade away... People who love you, and are worthy of your love, will eventually see the truth on their own. There is no need in trying to prove that you are a victim... time will do that on its own. Just be you! embrace everything about yourself... learn with every mistake you make (we ALL make them) celebrate in knowing that mistakes are necessary in order to grow and learn.

Juel said...

I think the smear campaign is the worse experience but at the same time I think for me it helped me to see the abuser for what he was more clearly. I stayed true to myself and with time his lies became so ridiculous that he began to undo his self.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure that someone who is 'soulless' has the capacity to feel empathy OR that they are in a living hell more than their victims. I compare it more to being color blind. How can you enjoy a sunset if you do not see colors? Their lives are more instinct driven, with that instinct being the urge to destroy or chew on a leg. There is no real pleasure or happiness because true human emotions do not happen to them. They truly are always angry because they honestly believe someone is out to get them. They have to have a target. They are vampires.
I want to stress, having a mother who has made me her target all my life, that the most important thing is that you know YOURSELF inside who you are. As a Christian, I also know God knows my heart. My mother professes to be one as well; I do not judge her but He will. I don't know if she is capable of being anything but who and what she is. Nor my ex husband. The people who really hurt the most are the ones who are referred to as 'apaths' (targets are 'empaths' and of course the narcissist is just that). An apathy is capable of riding the fence. They can watch the destruction an NPD can cause but won't 'interfere' because either or both: there is something that benefits them by leaving well enough alone or they simply do not want to 'get involved' unless something personally affronts or hurts them. There are enough of these in my family to go around. Four siblings who used to always say to me "I never wanted to be treated the way you were/are" but now just want me to 'get along' i.e., serve myself up as a sacrifice. I would never ask a person I loved to do that for my own comfort and as a result, I have no family to speak of. I hate it, but that's how it is. Then you have the other family NPD's who feed off each other. The obvious thing with them all seems to be the attraction to constant drama. Is there such a thing as an NPD without drama? I think not. When you grow up in a household with one in your midst things are never calm. They claim to hate drama but it is a necessity of life.
I have told my son, whom I am very close to and who has really grieved over the dad he wished he had had, a version of what you said above. But rather than say what agony he must be in (his dad, my ex) I say "if it's difficult to have him in your life, imagine what it would be like to BE him". Even if NPDs do not feel the way a normal person feels, they are such miserable people to have any association with a normal person KNOWS you would not want to be one. But assigning emotions to them, in my experience, is giving them too much credit.

Anonymous said...

i try my best to forget what happened when I was a child. I've processed through all of it in therapy, but I'm still haunted by the people and the horror of that place. It was NPD, rampant alcholism, incest, physical abuse, psychological terror, neglect. Too much to handle in one lifetime. I bounce from job to job and bad relationship to bad relationship and truly hope I pull it together. mostly, I just wish I let it go so I could have a shot at the second half of my life. These blogs help to remind me that other people don't just scream "get over it!" at you. thanks

Anonymous said...

Yes... (long pause) I hear you... And, just a few months ago I did some strategic "confrontation" of my own. Kind of "played my mother's own game", if you will. I told her sister, whom she is close with, and just as dysfunctional and narcissistic... that I had made a connection with a movie called "Gaslighting" and some behavior that is "in our family" and made it seem like I was talking about my great grandmother only. But - in not mentioning it to my mother - I KNOW that my aunt told my mother about it. Nothing like a little "off-handed", and "indirect" communication now, right? I've confronted my mother a lot... BOLDLY through very difficult times of trying to stay sane trying to rationalize and piece through the bullshit interactions with my mother ... and all I got was seriously blank stares (blink blink) and a non-reaction that was well, just not normal. So, I figured I let her know, in my own little way, (by telling her sister and NOT her) about this newly found insight that I had about the connection between Gaslighting behavior in the old movie - and the behavior of my great grandmother. After all, like I said to my Aunt, it must have been difficult to deal with that kind of thing in your grandmother AND even your own mother, right? (My aunt actually had her mother, my grandmother, come on to her own husband.) So, at least my AUNT would understand, right? Well, I've told my mother that she needs to get more consciously aware of herself so she stops infecting the rest of the world with her pathetic self. ... ... God - I'm so mean, but I'm so disgustingly angry.

Anonymous said...

Having just been the victim of a smear campaign by my mother I can truly say it finally opened my eyes. I see the fangs for what they are, and know that she has always hated me. HATED me, while keeping her lips closed and smiling like the Mona Lisa.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting this. Now I understand my childhood. I thought it was me - that's what they always told me. Now I have to figure out a way to help my niece.