Some Five Years Ago, I lost what I only thought that I had,
my life has been a fight against tyranny and hate.
I have sought out freedom from this since I was Four.
So, in reality, I guess I have lost nothing at all.
I have counted more years since my youth,
to measure the strength that I would need to stand,
and to stand well, for the fight I was unable to fight at Three.
I was fortunate to have experienced what most people do not,
I have enjoyed the company of what is no longer here.
I did what was correct, I hid the pain and the agony,
I held back the horror for the sake of health.
My life springs from my youth and the mission to report the acts upon me as a child.
What I have had on this journey called life has been an experience that I cannot say I missed.
To be turned from and locked out of the lives you loved,
creates or shall I say re-creates the pain of abandonment, not love.
A way to overcome what has been breaking me into pieces,
is to accept that what is gone, is gone and will never return to understand or attempt to heal.
As I filled my time with constructive measures and meaningful attempts,
I have failed and the impact of that failure is felt like a crash.
To understand your past, you go from the present backwards to find the missing stories,
all to fill in the gaps of what is to treacherous to even utter.
With each passing year, with each hour that loved ones are not near,
you forget what it is you did to care for what cares not for you.
Each passing moment with what had filled my time until now is so clear.
The time from my youth, my childhood has been hidden from view.
As an adult with hope that has waned in open forum,
I speak softly to say I have slipped away.
No more can this sentence bring to me as myself,
yet the backs of whom I used to see the faces of,
have destroyed my hope of liberty and seemingly crushed my will, which has since left me.
As I loose each precious gift that nature gifted me,
I know I am headed for a place that I will be whole.
I am left with a void with what might have been.
I am a Soul less appeal of helplessness and have no heart to cure.
I lost my childhood in my youth by not what ordinary lives can do,
I wrestle with the view, my mind is locked in times with you.
I made decisions for life before I knew what I would do,
I made decisions upon this way before I could utter or voice, "NO," to you.
Should I care for those who turn from their own with a natural flare,
it means that it is truth not dare.
To chose what is a popular view,
because it is easier to do.
Then the embarrassment of me and what has been done will distance us naturally,
it is the way that Nature Runs.
To be brainwashed is not so cool,
for in the end it is only a con for the artist to do,
to trap you into what they want
and what they want is not for you.
The embarrassment of what I am or may become,
is nothing more than what's been done.
I survive, when others died, not of free will,
it was suicide.
Left alone, I wish I'd known, from the begin,
the pain won't end.
To be abandoned yet again, to see the backs of more than men,
I wish for life to understand that there are times when girls can't stand.
Can brilliance be so blinding too,
What is sensible, what to do.
Is it sensible to reject, what is blood and parent rate.
With indifference, rejection hurts and to finish it off with the silence of ignorance.
Punishment in a life not lived,
only to survive to say "I exist."
For the sake of understanding at first I fought,
then I knew the original fight was wrong and I could not belong.
Is it know more than survival to know,
as you pass through ageless row,
manners I wonder, manners I know.
Do you believe all that you're told?
Do you open your eyes to see.
Do you have a heart and soul?
Does this missing part in me, make you capable to tolerate the indifference,
to what is not the same?
Or, is it the intolerance to what may be correct, that you think I'm not a wreck?
May this blinding way to see, be to much for you or me?
The sight of truth that is born from the ages,
the ones that have passed before you do.
A simple Goodbye would have sufficed,
but to cut me off, it killed me twice.
In the in between we were,
I was strength and you were young.
One person says, he's seen whats been,
in that I say, "Did I sin?"
For I do not go forward to unwind,
the cruelty, the horror, the torture from then,
it is in my past I must return,
if there is a hope to learn.
Backwards I go, year by year,
erasing person out of fear.
All to get to the people who, were the ones that destroyed my life
and perpetrated such a crime upon a child of their kind.
You cannot be compelled to do,
what Nature has done so well for you.
With Grace and facts to support me too,
Creation herself has shown her new,
way to handle abandonment of a person in fear.
May you be delivered from your selves,
just to know that life is well.
I feel your doing all that's good,
keep your workings with your should.
I free myself from what I knew,
I am not wanted, nor do you,
respond to like of what I send,
I wrote so that we could heal,
from hatred and what seems surreal.
I free myself with might of Will,
I lost my sight and know my rights.
To be ignored and treated so poor,
I realize that I am the embarrassment that you abhor.
I have waited for so long,
a call, a email, a letter that said,
I love you, I know you, I want you to wait.
I'm stuck with what you really hate.
I was abandoned at my birth,
I was not loved, nor was I nursed.
I was not wanted and was treated so,
I would never, never know.
I live in Hell and that's O.K.,
I have myself and write I may.
But lies are not for me today,
for yesterday they beat me to play,
a game of cat and mouse, it's called.
I know longer answer to what I found.
Thank you for your years you spent,
with a person that was so bent.
I straighten myself to say to you,
I'm crushed, I'm hurt, it's been to long,
Five years later, I can't belong.