My Thoughts
"When I was a kid, I just rode away on Freckles, my P.O.A.!!"
By Karen A. Placek
January 7th, 1999
Pain is a very real emotion. Laughter, tears and nothingness seem to carry the same definition. My life has been a series of mistakes. Some people would call these learning experiences. Others would say it was fate. No matter how you explain away your time spent, the one who is left with all the emotion is yourself.
All I wanted for myself was to have a person care about me, as much as I cared about them. I was under the impression that if you were strong, self-motivated and truthful human being, you would attract the same. I thought you then put complete trust and faith in that person.
In hind sight, I believe the process of trusting someone, the first glance, first date, first intimate moment, is as painful as the ending of a relationship. The uncertainty, the fact you probably are terrified about each moment that passes. When you think about first meeting your significant other, you think back to all the waiting. Waiting for the phone calls, the letter's, the date's and simply waiting for the next unexpected moment to arrive.
Now, at the end, you are in the same waiting game. Only this time, you wait for a solution. A pain-killer of sorts. In my case, I have a pain in my guts which is not easily described. I wait for the phone call, yet, when it arrives it carries all the disappointment of a lifetime.
In my mind, I think that talking will help, but, speaking to a person with no conviction of conscience, is like speaking to a person who would cut off his nose to spite his own face. By responding in an insane manner, you are grasping onto the hope of the sanity found in the eve of the storm. The only problem is you are still in the storm and no matter which way you turn, it is disaster hitting you head on.
The question is; "What do you do with an end?" Painful, rotten, no resolve! My mind is in a constant swirl of pain. It has been so easily said, "Time will heal." All of us know this wonderful phrase, I say this with more than hatred, I say it with the rage I feel when I hear it said. Time does not even quell the pain. It does not disburse the lack of needing resolve, solutions and/or reason.
Church, Counselors, Shrinks? Which of these will help? Maybe for you, one of these things, will offer you what is needed and is most certainly worth your effort, I believe. Sadly, for a select few of us, we cannot find refuge in an office or a chapel. Some have to look deeper into themselves and grasp the pain in a metaphysical form. We have to rip it out and not only kill it, but, with ceremoniousness effort try to dispose of it.
Even then, you have this gaping wound, hole or enormous void, that is seeping pain into your otherwise healthy self. In this instance, we need to be the physician, nurse, priest, shrink, spiritual guide and the like. Somehow, someway we have to heal.
I believe that power lies within our very selves to do such a feat. In our own minds and hearts, the power of "Self" must overcome the destruction that another person, being or human has brought upon you. Now, lets figure out how to do it.
I write this not for your health, but, I write it for my own. You should read what I have written, not to feel my pain, but, to heal your own. I know, I believe, I have the confidence to say, we will find that much needed common ground to stand upon.
That is what we shall strive for together, as a team, as human beings. For humanity itself is failing. It is in need of a progressive way to handle what seems to be coming down the pike so quickly, our end. It seems to be all due to the lack of concern for one another and state of being that so many people are currently in, cruelty has bound the innocent and negativity has ignited fear amongst so many people all over the World.
It is the fright of the unknown becoming known that has societies running scared, and, in so many different directions. It is horrifying and shocking simultaneously. I believe that this is the recipe for nothing more than the act of war and/or terrorism. It will prove to be the outlet for such ill-regard. All towards the inaction of how many human beings that are suffering the pain and agony of having no answer or resolution that can be found or even readily sought out.
I believe in me, I believe in you, or, at least I try, but, I believe that the loss of my best friend to suicide was a beginning to an end, which I am sure, will only prove to be an end that proves to be my beginning.
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