This is the story of the psychological, physical, sexual, mental and manipulative abuse that I have survived since birth. I was snuffed by a man in the basement of my mother's home. I was left for dead, I stood over my lifeless body in shock and full of fear. I am so tired of keeping family secrets and never talking about what is on my mind. My sister told me in the most recent of years, "I should take a gun and blow your head off it would be the best thing for the family." I live in a fear that is difficult to explain to anyone. To have people wish for your death after suffering such is disconcerting to any life you may be brave enough to try to live.
I am searching for the truth from my childhood. I am the scapegoat daughter or some call it the blame child of the family. I am just tired of the lies that my family tells to cover whatever it is they seem to be hiding today.
I have been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I suffer from flashbacks that go-live on occasion. I never knew this could even happen until one day it did. Therefore, I work everyday to be at peace with myself to ease the pain that such repetition or reeling of the scenes in my mind insists on replaying. I believe that all of what is happening, happens for very important reasons. I know that in the end, Mother Nature is just putting me back together so that I may know the things that I am told I have missed, I.E. Love.
Just keep in mind, you really have no idea what you have missed, even when someone tells you, because you missed it. So if I missed it completely, it means I am unaware of the impact thereof upon your life or subsequently, my life. It doesn't mean, that I don't know what I missed, and albeit curious about that which passed me by. Hence the reason for my patience with myself with flashbacks in particularly. I believe that should we allow what is natural to correct what has most tragically happened in the past, than we can then live more peacefully each and everyday. Giving back what we may have never received. Learning as we go so to speak. At least this my own personal hope for myself.
This is a testimony to the miracle of life itself. I exist, I 'm alive, I'm a Human Being, I try, and therefore I am!
2 comments:
you are not alone ..
I appreciate what you have written. Thank you for taking the time to let me know I am not alone, it means more that I could tell you, because I feel as if I have been terribly alone in this World, it has made me incredibly sad at times. I always try to see the bright side of everything but it would be nice to hear the beating of somebody's heart, I have always just heard my own. Thank you again for just taking the time out to say something.
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