I take so much time in my life to face the horrors in my mind during the day. I try so hard to not put anything to the back of my mind to deal with at another time. This is a good way to not have your nights interrupted by what fears you.
My birthday is on Friday and always causes me distress. I am assuming that this is why I am screaming in the night again. I was trying to overcome this trauma this year, but, so far I am still not able to control the uncontrollable. I hate the fact that when I sleep I am plagued with dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I even sleep at all, it is as if I am up all night dreaming. Sounds so stupid when I confess such a thing. I wonder if my mind will ever be able to overcome the fear in me that seemly plays out at night, in the dark, when I 'm alone.
I like to believe that the flashbacks I suffer, the nightmares I live through are all for a reason. I like to believe that it is my mind deciding that I am old enough to deal with my traumas as a youth. I believe that before we can continue on in our life we must deal with that which has caused us strife. I like to believe that the reason for such horrors to plague me again is my brains way to warn me of what may be coming up and I will have to face in person very soon. I am not sure why else we would continue to have nightmares or even why we would be all of sudden plagued with flashbacks.
The flashbacks that I have had seem to be unfinished thoughts or memories of situations I purposely have avoided. I know that I sound brave in facing my past, but, in reality it is a tough agenda to set for yourself. Its been weird, I don't know if any of you have flashbacks, they seem so unique to themselves. One flashback seemed to "go live", scarring the shit out of me. I ended up in my front room walking back and forth saying, " I'm alive, I'm a human, I'm not an it". I kept walking back and forth for what seemed like an hour or so. Each time I tried to stop and sit down I thought I would have heart failure. So, I went with the flashback and walked it out, so to speak. After it finally ended I felt relieved that it had happened in my home and I was able to see it to its completion. If it had happened while I was out and about, I would have been able to control it, but probably would have been extremely stressed.
I sat down and thought for a long while. I thought about what I had been saying, where I was at the actual time of the trauma and how sad it made me feel knowing this was actually a real event in my life. I hadn't remembered it until this happened, I found it quite disturbing. I was unaware a flashback could go live. I thought at the time I must have fallen off my own rocker and just did not know what I was talking about. Flashbacks were new to me in my life and I am still getting used to the abruptness of the attack of one. I made an appointment with my counselor at the time to question my own interpretation, "a live flashback", because it not only sounded stupid but quite unrealistic. Turns out I was wrong. I guess it can happen at any given time according to the shrinks. Yea, another bright spot in the reality of surviving the abusive nature of the people who seem to think there was nothing wrong with how they raised me.
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