An Address To My Mother

I wrote this off the top of my head five years ago.  I have not edited it yet, so forgive me if it sounds rough.  It is actually two letters that I have put together.  This is the first thing that I ever wrote in accord to my upbringing.  I was so angry about the invasion of my life from my family, I felt beside myself.  I sat down and wrote the first letter and then I  wrote the second letter.  I did not send either one of them because of the fear I feel when I think on the subject of my childhood.  I read them recently and its interesting because it as if I am writing from another world.  Its funny how when you sit and free write, you express yourself in such an odd manner.

Remember I was brought up in a fundamental environment, with extremely strict rules on behavior, speech, posture, tone of voice and so on.  I could not even sneeze without being chastised for being to loud. Whenever they spoke it was always in code.  If you did not pick-up what was in between the lines of what they were communicating they would beat you. So you had to listen to what was not being said, rather than what was actually being said.

I wrote it on this blog back in 2008 I think, but today I feel brave enough to post it again.  I am hoping someday that I will not shake with fear.  Cults have such a power over the people, but the power over the off-spring is really never mentioned.  I have really bad flashbacks that are affecting me daily and causing things to happen that are very uncomfortable for me. I don't want to loose any time periods like I did when I was a kid.  I remember always checking the date to see how long I had been asleep at the wheel.  Sometimes it was years that I don't remember.  It began happening to me around eight years old I think. I always worry it will happen again and I will wake-up and be sixty, seventy or eighty, if that is the case I would rather never wake up again.  It is really to painful to be missing time.  So just in case this happens again I want my mother to know how I feel about her personally.

With that being said please know that this is written in the same mind frame that I write my poems.  It is just in a paragraph form.  I am not sure if this is a style of writing or not, but it is poetic verse to me. Titled as an address to my mother, I am not looking for a response from her I just wanted to express how I felt once and for all. 

So here it goes:

An Address to my Mother

I am the white flame of the fire, which burns the color of purity. I pay homage to the miracle of my creation. My development and freedom from hypocrisy has been celebrated and witnessed. I have played a slow, even tempo, which has been ideal for guiding, leading and revealing the path that I have followed for my life. My trust in the unknown has been rewarded to me, by becoming the known. I understand the Laws of the Divine. The gifts that have been bestowed upon me are priceless and without measure. My Key has been revealed, I have unlocked my door, I have found Forgiveness my lesson and I revel in the Peace of Understanding.

I forgive all your wrongdoings and intolerance; I am now impartial, impersonal, and detached from all of your emotions. I surrender and I am drawing to a close, your selfishness, ugliness and lack of compassion, which has been so offensive to me. The Divine plan requires me to have faith and live on higher ground. I will testify to the wisdom of Spiritual Law. I am now conscience of the needs of humankind. By choosing to live with a higher purpose, my talents will allow me to bring this together with completion and no allowance for interpretation. I am a living testimony; it does not matter what my adversaries have done to annihilate my very existence and survival. My anchor for self-preservation has transformed the horrid memories and visions of the tortuous, manipulative abuse of power and influence over unsuspecting lives, both known and unknown, into a positive reaction that evoked forgiveness, not resentment. My sensitivity, perception, and innate ability to listen to a Higher Guidance will ensure the integrity of the message remains intact. My vision of this message will be delivered with planning and the execution of a master swordsman. The principles, ideals and wisdom of this message will focus the minds, which choose to release their compulsions and evoke their eternal right for peace, understanding and opportunities for positive growth.

Creation welcomed me at my conception, a child of Joy and Sweetness, a delightful daughter, full of the most Natural and True abilities. I have kindled the flame that ignited within me. My unusual amount of self-understanding and the ability to see through the emotional and physical barrage of attacks, created as diversions, had no power or ability to hide, mask or erase the truth. I have had to be wise beyond my years, my honesty entitled me to have dominion over the world, which is filled with frightened, cowering, roaming lives. I have delved in to my childhood, I am no longer filled with terror. Anger is not needed to preserve myself from attack. My eyes received enlightenment, my ears perceived the truth, I have separated the entangled web of your deceit. I have found my bottom, my place, and it is clean, strong and ready to sustain the weight of the building, which shall be my life. I embrace my heritage; I found this etched on my soul. Creation has clothed me in substance, sustained me, blessed me and ensured that no man foul my purity. My mind dwells in anticipation of the delightful tickle of the wisdom, which I have been graced.

I have been protected by the very power that awakened you, to the joy of your re-birth. At your birth the gates flew open and you entered into a celebration that freed your conscious mind. Your relentless pursuit of those who failed to see your delight and awaken to your invitation, a gift that you would bestow, ended. This has delivered despair and agony to your door. You have only begun to realize that the brilliant enlightenment and uplifting satisfaction you desired has been the imagination of your life. You have walked amongst those which you despise and bear deceit for their beings. The beauty in your mind and body shall perish in blindness and despair.

You did not seek the knowledge of those that know. You did not listen to those that spoke the words. Nor, did you respect the Laws of the Land. Creation is our Mother; we are all invited to revel in the warmth and we to one another. Each and every one of us that has accepted her gift has received a pact of everlasting devotion. You did not heed Creation, instead you wrapped yourself in a cloak of self. Filled with secrets and with your unyielding loyalty to your deceiving warmth, you turned away from your Self and Natural Laws. Although you break the Laws of the Land, the Laws with an even tighter grip bind you. You have raised your right hand, given an oath, receiving all that which that oath has entitled. You swore mindlessness; you went out amongst the world and shouted your acclaim. You have discarded yourself and willingly choose Pleasure and Pain to exist. You choose your death with your oath and accepted life. You received and embraced enlightenment. You did this of your own accord, without cause for any other that yourself. You were not coerced, nor were you tricked, your ambition for desire, signed and sealed your Fate.

Creation filled me with the physical, mental and emotional instincts to ensure my self-preservation while under your watch. My Anger was aroused when you turned your Ambition on to me, with the oath as your guide; you brought a full on attack to my Heart, my Mind and my Soul. My Anger protected me from your relentless attempts to destroy that which Creation had been so kind to deliver to me. My recognition that my Anger had been aroused to protect me in an effort of self-preservation, allowed me to release my anger, let go of the very emotion that I held for so long and I held with a death grip. I am free of the terrors and no longer need to arouse the emotion that has had to be so diligent and readily available to call upon in my life.

However, the wrong cannot go without being addressed, even in defeat, Honor is dangerous but must be carried out, for this is the honorable thing to do. You choose a path to save Righteousness based on your Natural Instincts. You joined your Spiritual and Carnal Natures, watched while they merged with one another. You did this so that you would achieve greater enlightenment. To your Horror and in your self-deceit, with ambition as an instinct for self-preservation, you discovered that you, yourself, are only Carnal and you always were. You either had to hate yourself to death or revel and rejoice in exactly what you are. The feeble attempts you made to scourge yourself, were never more than reprieves you enjoyed while willingly accepting and recognizing the importance of sustaining faith in a lie. Then you had to rationalize sustaining faith in the truth. This is a primitive thought; this did not spur awareness into your mind, nor did this ignorant, pathetic process, which you willingly submitted yourself, bring, or add any substance to your being. Your faith in lies has diminished, the brilliant, blinding flame you once reveled in the glory of, it has lost its ability to breath and burns black with the impurities of mind and soul. The gradual decline, over the true test “Time” has enabled all who have protected my purity and innocence to reveal to me the understanding, wisdom, forgiveness and compassion in which to honor you.

Creation does not need an invention, audience, or court from mankind to invoke Natural Law, nor does she judge or punish by-proxy. This is not the time to spur “Hope” and “Prayer” for your redemption, these are simply indicative of the apprehension and fear inside yourself. Creation has based her judgment and therein punishment on the Action and Reaction of the choice’s you have made. There will be no Middle Ground found in this scenario, for middle ground is just another term you commonly here, called “FATE”. You have sealed your Fate with the action of your very instinct for self-preservation, your Ambition.

You have confessed to me your inabilities and sins against the Natural Laws of Motherhood. To clear your conscience and free yourself to break the laws and terrorize me yet again, you just continue the attack. You have committed wrongs and in this testimony of yours would mean that your genuine acknowledgement to me that you had made a mistake would have had to mean that you were truly sorry about what you had done. This would have taught you lessons along the way and you would have taken care not to do it again. Instead, you have not been honestly sorry about anything and acknowledged to yourself you would continue again and again to terrorize me. You had no business confessing and asking forgiveness in the first place. Your own lack of consistency in this matter has revealed your hidden agenda. Your scorn for my very existence and continued life has you consumed with animosity, which must be released on me from you daily. Your disguise of prayer or praying for me has only been nothing more than a bargain-basement anger that is decidedly shoddy and inferior in quality. Your own admission on a daily basis of you having to “pray for your enemies” provides total confirmation and true meaning to this ignorant backwards thought.

God is all-powerful and in turn all forgiving, your faith and belief that all transgressions here on earth will be forgiven, the Divine power of such a blessing lies in his hands not yours. Therefore you have reveled in your own iniquities, love of self and allegiance to your oath of enlightenment, with no regard. However, your belief that forgiveness will be at hand when you call, and the oath of contradiction blinded you with hypocritical self-deceit, this is why you have never achieved peace of mind. Every being or entity, good or evil has a job, you assumed in your ignorance that this loophole freed you and in reality it not only bound you but also consumed your very being. God is all-powerful and will forgive the transgressions of those that sin knowingly. However, you should have been aware of the power of Creation, herself, the Mother to us all. She employs the power to give us the strength to pull the heavens down and from the crumbling remains use their shards to build an idol or erect a monument to satisfy our own Divine indulgence, defining our true nobility for thought and action. To employ such abandoned power for strength and choice, she must balance the Core of Creation with the wisdom and freedom from the perception of right and wrong, good and evil applying to her actions and therefore the reaction, which brings an End to a Means. God being the creator of all; God recognized his compassion towards the weakness of man this would prove to be their own destruction, ending in extinction. Being Just and Fair, God employed Creation to ensure that his compassion was felt by mankind but did not stop the progression of Creation by accepting inadequacies that mankind created as a result of their own compulsions. God did not want to stand in the way of the Natural Extinction of an infested soul and mind that succumbed to Carnal Desire without regard or consequence to their actions. Your enlightenment to yourself and desires were fool hardy when measured against the All-Knowing, All-Powerful God of Heavens, Earth, all that has been and all that will be for eternity.

I am speaking in a 'Tongue' that requires no translation to be understood. I have not called upon the “Powers to Be” to invoke the protection or justification of the meaning and implications of this message. Creation herself delivered me to you, she encompassed my mind, heart, soul and my very being with spiritual gifts to make me highly sensitive to intuition and the extrasensory perception to know the world of higher guidance. My core has been filled and comforted since the day of my birth with the celestial beings she sent to care and protect me from the realities of life and all that would encompass my ability to deliver this message of Spiritual Law. She provided the balance needed to survive in this world of violence, negativity, materialism and personal gratification. Knowing the journey would be taxing emotionally, mentally, and physically, she instilled the fire and solemnized her gift by etching the design of the fuel onto my soul ,I must filter and fine-tune myself in order to remember my origin. By design, I elevated my consciousness toward living with a spiritual awareness. The heightened state of awareness made it very difficult to accept the surroundings of my youth. My pioneering spirit has driven me with absolute determination to find the truth. The journey has been a fine line between survival and self-destruction. The acceptance of my gifts for intuitive understanding and spiritual truths, delivered the ability to grow and find stability. I have learned to live with faith. My peace was made with myself and my gratitude will be everlasting.

Shame on you

(Second letter/Second attempt)

You are my mother, but from here on out I will call you out by any name of your own choosing. You are full to the brim of hypocritical self-deceit. Your conscience acknowledgement of your own self-proclaimed mastery of all that you have become is the epitome of an ignoramus. Your oath to yourself and gifts bestowed upon yourself are the actual design in the manifestation of death by-proxy and the inevitable extinction of your very being. Your everyday statement of announcing to me that I came from “Bad Genes” is in itself, your own proclamation from your own body, mind and soul. This is your cell structure, which you have spoken of all these years. “Out of the mouth confession is made”.

Your very core has insured, by-proxy, that your spirit, mind, soul and body of your own self gratification, ugliness, lack of compassion, materialism, ambition to elevate yourself at the spiritual and financial cost of any being available or not available to your beckoning, this will cease and desist. You are that which you have called others. Your cosmic phone has been cut off. You were billed and scoffed at the arrival of its price. This action has been an announcement to all; your ignorance in this matter is to be pitied. You have shown that pity is for the weak minded and those without moral conviction of spiritual law.

Your youth has been erased, happiness has become an illusion, pain is the only way you know and you are still here. The shell you are, is void of life, filled with emptiness, confused by imagination and not yet conscience that by your own design you created that which you abhor.

Your measurement of love, knowledge, understanding, wisdom and generosity has set the limits of that which is limitless, priceless and without measure. That which you embraced in yourself fouls you.

Shame on you!

The one’s you choose to “love” will deliver the greatest gift to you. In return for your training, dedication and living example of glorifying, “the one and only”, the debt that they owe you, will be paid with delightful, guiltless abandoned joy and freedom of will. This is all voluntary. They will not even have to divorce themselves from hypocritical self-deceit. The ones you have chosen to “measure” your “love”, and bestow that which you have accumulated through means of the unnamed. They will do exactly as they have been trained and charged in life, they will execute that which you have done.

Your success is their guide, their patience has been your measure, your ambition is their alarm clock, and the bell has begun to toll.

The respect that death invokes, the respect that would hold at bay the greed that waits, has bared witness to your impatience. Your robbery in this course of action has been noted; you have manipulated all, to receive inheritance’s that had rightful heirs. You have reveled in the design of greed under the pretense of ambition.

Shame on you!

Listen to these words, for the ones you have chosen to “love” will discount and dismiss my message.

There, in those voices, from the ones you found deserving to bestow yourself, that is the moment you will be smashed with undefiled wisdom. For now their indulgence will manifest itself to you, as their ambition will not be abstinent. You taught them well “Blessed are the powerful, they will be revered among the world, cursed are the feeble, old, sick, weak-minded, powerless, dying, for their time is measured and should be blotted out”.

You have paved the path; you will be at the very hand of those you indulged with life. By the means you taught them well, and they know death is the great abstinence. This in known to all as a “Dog eat dog”. Recognize their actions, intentions and words to you, for they are yours.

I will honor your memory by going out into the world and I will bare witness to all. “Love” has no measure, the more you willingly give, and the return for such a priceless gift shall be ten fold.

You have indulged and rejected abstinence with ingrates. These are the teachings of your past. But, you did not listen; it was indulgence, not compulsion. You are engulfed in the stagnant morass of yourself. The reverses that have beset you are no longer under your dominion and they will be unending from this time forth. Those you have chosen to measure your “love” no longer cherish you.

The pleasures you indulged will flow into anguish, as the fire in your marrow is rendered powerless. You are devoid of substance. Your ambition to marry Spiritual Nature with the Carnal Nature left you in a loveless marriage of an Ambitious Nature. Spiritual Law required you to divorce and to your horror, you were Carnal in the merge, always were, always will be. Do not fool yourself; your last days on earth are upon you. You have advertised and announced this message to the world. Your pride blinded you and your intellect did not reason, because the obvious was invisible. The gatherings I witnessed, as you blessed the Communion and Challis, filled with the Blood of the Lamb, this was your admission to your hidden agenda. This was an announcement of your half-truths. The Challis will be of any metal, but may not be gold. You praised that which you have become. You spoke “in tongue’s” praising his name. The pronunciation of your words sealed with your Hebrew lessons. The translation of such “tongue’s” you exalted did not belong to you, for that is sorcery. But you were not a Sorceress, only a mindless follower and you spoke in tongues that you memorized and full well new the translation, just as I do.

Shame on you!

May your days be full of that which you delivered unto others and with the power in which you convicted them. You have not abided by the Laws of the Land,

Spiritual Laws

Natural Laws

You are ruled and abide by the;

LAW OF THE JUNGLE.

Your lies and deceit built your throne. It will be assailed without pity, without regret, for under domination of a falsehood, no one can prosper. You enthroned a sanctified, privileged lie, a lie believed by everyone to be truth. That is the seed on the most dangerous delusion. A lie to be known as a half-truth, the lie that an intellectual person accepts as fact, the lie that has been inculcated upon me by you, this lie, your lie, is the most dangerous to contend against. Pestilence shall be your compulsion.

I, being of sound mind and body, I am now of the age of consent, accept the knowledge and wisdom bestowed upon my heart and soul. I release the anger, the anger that was an instinct for self-preservation against your relentless attacks. I forgive. I stand on the bedrock of this earth with true independence. Spiritual Law has risen in the midst of the web of entanglement that you spun as a disguise. I now name the one that shall not be named. He resides within you.

He silenced me as a child of joy and sweetness, a delightful daughter, full of natural and true abilities. Together “the named” and yourself have been Outed, Outed by the one you silenced with terror.

Shame on you!

I am free of hypocritical self-deceit. I embrace that which has been done to me and with the command of my Eternal Right, take dominion over diabolical indignation. With rationale, in the “eleventh hour”, sweeping aside pain, disappointment and resentment of the past. I restore Law & Order, Law of Harmony, Ministration and Peace. This is what shall reside here, from now until eternity. The double-edged sword which you have wheeled, no longer is yours to use but will remain as a symbol to you.

~

“The instinct for self-preservation is the driving force that is used for our own self-annihilation.This is the epitome of the double-edged sword."

The Begin