Undefined Reality, I Feel Exposed

The other day I met with somebody that I knew when I was eight years old.  She told me of this time that we had come back to my house and my step-father was there.  He grabbed me in front of her and took me into the other room where he beat me.  I was being beaten for getting "F's" on my report card from school, she said.

Three years ago I was in San Francisco eating breakfast at Louis out by Seal Rock with my step-father and mother.  My step-father felt compelled to tell me that he had never laid a hand on me.  I looked at him and asked him to repeat himself.  He said it again.  I just sat across the table and looked at him. My mother just sat there saying nothing.  It is odd that they would do this to me.  I know that he was trying to get a reaction out of me and I reacted more than I should have because my mother had that sinister smile on her face.  However, time bringing 20/20 to the situation, it shows to me that they have not forgotten at all what they have done to me as a couple.  In that I find a reason to celebrate as it concretes what I know has taken place in my life and now they are back tracking to cover themselves.  What troubles me and made me so angry at the time was the smile that my step-father had on his face as the words slipped through his lips and into the restaurant to be heard.  Almost as if he whispered the denial. 

For some very strange reason my parents seem to believe that if they say that they have never done anything bad or even questionable, than whatever they are speaking on just did not happen at all.   Well now they will have to deal with the fact that people are coming forward to say things about what has happened to me as a child.  Telling me, "I witnessed........!"  I wonder if they will tell them that they are liars?

I am finding hope today.  I believe that if my family is compelled to deny the past so openly, than I must go with this simple thought. Something must have happened to even mention it in the first place. If nothing happened than why bother to bring it up.  I think that this is what they refer to as "Gas Lighting."

I am getting closer and closer to exposing the lie. One day they will make a big mistake by saying openly what they have said to me in closed company. Who knows maybe somebody at the restaurant overheard them and thought, "How odd."  It is inevitable to be caught by your own lies.  Eventually what has happened will come to light, I just know it.  Too many secrets, too many lies to keep it all straight.  Maybe there will be a day that while trying to improve their reputation they will be speaking to the right person, instead of a coward who tucks their tail between their legs and runs away in fright of what was shared.  The intimidation from them still amazes me.  I don't understand how people turn and walk away from people who are obviously unkind and a danger to society.

So far people from my past have been randomly showing up and telling me one or more of the following things on the list below.  I guess that is good thing.  However I feel that it is a little to late to confess to the one who suffered at the hands of these people her entire life. I am really tired of the secrecy that they seem to perpetuate by telling me what I already know and ensuring that it is being said behind closed doors yet again. I feel as if I am in the middle of a fight and its not mine.  I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not that they have come forward to express themselves. It is rather uncomfortable, especially when they say not to tell anyone that they told me (i.e., my parents.)  To see other people in fear of my parents is odd but I kind of enjoy it in a sick way.

What do you think that they think will happen to them?

" Oh! WAIT! I know, I know!" 

They are worried my parents will go after them for outing what they have done to me.  That is how afraid people still are of my parents. They say that a Malignant Narcissist really doesn't hit full boar until you deny them their truth. If you do this to my parents they hit an entire new gear called, "Their undivided attention,"  all so they can go and destroy your life now.  I have seen them do that many times, to lots and lots of people over the years.  Hiring private investigators to find out all they need to know to destroy absolutely everything about you.  Ask the old members of the Church that are in hiding from them.

Here is the list of things I have been told so far. It is a little uncomfortable to know that so many other people know the following, I feel naked in front of them and I don't think that I should have to feel that way anymore.  So, I am going to vote that what they have done to me is wrong and place them into the category of my parents as enablers or maybe they are what are called Covert Narcissists. All in all I don't think that it was a healthy thing to do to me.  I would like to see something that is actionable not more destructive.  It is very difficult to sit and listen to people say the following to you.

1.) I never had a childhood.
2.) I was never loved.
3.) I was abused.
4.) I was severely neglected.
5.) I was beaten.
6.) I was spiritually abused.
7.) I was keeping secrets.
8.) I was very sad.
9.) I was psychologically abused.
10.) I was whipped (different from being beaten.)
11.) I was hit. (different from being beaten and/or whipped.)
12.) I didn't speak.
13.) I was molested.
14.) I was left alone.
15.) I was manipulated.

Pretty uncomfortable to hear these things.  I do think that it was extremely important for me to listen to the people who came to tell me these things.  It was damaging to me as a human being.  I hurt really badly after they left especially knowing that these people had just left me in the abuse so long ago, never going to get help or helping themselves.

It seems to get harder in my life, not easier. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  It just seems to be a hurtful thing to do to me again, but that's O.K., at least they feel better.

Maybe turn about is fair play after all.