I have always walked beside myself. I never was able to totally put myself back together after that experience of having a bag put over my head and was very nearly killed. Although I didn't die, I felt as if I did. After years and years of being silent I have chosen to speak up about certain and a very select few of events in my life . I will try and explain the devastating effects that such events can have on your life by sharing how it destroyed any sense of self I may have had at one point in my life. I was under the age of Five when the "Killing Karen" was the agenda of my sibling and then................
Walking along side myself is far easier than walking inside myself due to the pain. Living this way also helps to distribute the pain out over a greater amount of space to be absorbed. The difficulty comes into play when you try to get others to accept the amount of pain you are in all of the time. In general people seem to believe that you can just put things down or get over what has happened to you. This is not possible when you have split off from yourself. This has been my greatest and most difficult hurdle to cross. Therefore I am going to try something new and tell you the story from a split point of view.
I started this entire experience at a very young age. Ever since that particular time I have been split from myself and unable to get back into my body. I have never spoken about this due to the sensitivity of such a thought or concept and the disbelief that I know I will be met with. However before judgment is thrown out into the wind, three years ago I had a counselor speak to me in a therapy session about my meta self. I did not buy into her conversation because I felt it would counterproductive and held against me should I agree with her theory or go as far as to admit it. Contrary to what you would think, this is a truly exhausting form to be stuck in. It is an unending frustration that you suffer silently with for fear of repercussions by those that think its funny or it is not a possibility. You actually learn to halt your efforts or your attempts to correct what was happened to you by walking along side your human self.. It is as if you are constantly double checking with yourself to ensure that you are nearby. Laugh if you will but this is a proven and very complex problem. It's a protective mechanism called up by the nervous system when it reaches its maximum capacity to process stimulation (both internally and externally). Anger speaks today. My vice is myself and restraint is a burden I wish to carry no more.
When I was sixteen years old I was watching the 3:30 Movie on Channel 7 in San Francisco, California at my mothers house in West Clay Park. My brother came into the room with two guns. One was an AK47 and the other was a pistol. He proceeded to load the pistol in front me, I froze in terror. ("We experience dissociative states when our nervous system is strained to the limit. We're "too full". In other words, we've inadvertently taken in more stimulation than the nervous system can handle. Life circumstances can overwhelm the nervous system at any time in our growth or later, for example through physical traumatic events. Unresolved issues and traumas can ignite the dissociative pathways. It's a matter of degree. Think of the operating system in a computer. When its' maximum capacity is reached it shuts down inessential software programs in order to save its resources for critical functions, while ensuring that important files are not lost. In effect, the brain does the same thing. When maximum nervous system processing capacity has been reached, the dissociative mechanism comes on line and shuts down less important systems such as our ability to concentrate. Dissociation is a type of freeze response. To the degree that you are dissociative, will be the degree of impairment in your ability to take appropriate fight or flight responses (e.g. being physically threatened). In other words, you are more likely to move into freeze whether you want or not (e.g. freezing at gun point during a bank robbery).") I could not speak, as the memories of him killing me as a young girl flooded my mind and caused me to become spatially challenged within my very being. I could not move to save myself from what was impending doom from him once again. The horror of my youth was happening. With anger and sarcasm my brother pointed the pistol at my head and said, "BANG." He pulled the trigger, my second self left instantly, never to return again (Hindsight of coarse being 20/20 in this matter.) Remaining calm in my actual self, I began to get up very slowly, heading towards the closed door. He came at me once again with that look in his eye. I recognized it from long ago as him saying to me, "I am going to kill you now." I sat back down, acting as if this was all no big deal. The commercial break was over and the movie came back on, "Bang" "Click, " another gasp of breath escaped me. I felt faint as my older brother continued his banter of hatred towards me. He finally got up off the couch turned away for a moment, I was gone, I disappeared into my mothers house. My brother took my life on that day. He smashed what I had become into pieces and I have never been able to recover any of it.
As I stand in the place of myself and explain to you your short comings, I hope that you desire the wealth of mind, spirit and body I propose. This is oppose to what it seems that you require while subject to living your life on this planet. In a very limited way, I hope that you will open your imaginations to a different path that may deliver to you the enlightenment you are so badly in need of in your lives. To watch from a distance as people betray one another for self gain, I ponder the value of their existence. Death delivers the final blow to your perceived reality of yourself and your beliefs. No one speaks of such things in our Country due to the fear of death itself. Although splitting, dissociating and near-death experiences are on the rise, the belief in such an extension of life is frowned upon. These documented aspects of a different and challenging dimension to those that live such things has been greeted with doubt and disdain by the general public. Sadness for your appreciation of other forms of life, even be it death, should cause you to be troubled in your own minds, for in truth you lack belief. Not one person will escape the finality of the loss of your life. The reality and bitter truth of such a thing will eventually greet you as an individual. You will not have the support of anyone but yourself and your own belief structure to lean upon. For it is in death and in the separation of yourself from your mortal form that you find the truth about the after-life.
I would believe in my limited knowledge of life itself, that a person would be more prone to investigate all avenues in regards to what will happen beyond your simplistic life on this Earth. Rather I have found that people shut out what they wish to turn from, condemning it as heresy if brought up in conversation or concern. And what people at large seemingly turn from in this country is all of the beliefs around the world that believe in reincarnation or as I would like to put it, "We all seem to go around again, somehow." Because in any reality, altered or not, I feel as if I have been here before.
It is discouraging for those of us that would like to open our minds and our hearts to a different belief due to the horrid and rather severe neglect and abuse that we suffered as a child to be so readily shot down when the subject of difference to belief is broached. Instead we are told disparaging and negative things about ourselves and our ideas. In addition we are incapable of exploring new avenues with any of our own ready beliefs due to the fact that this one religion, one belief of only Heaven and Hell has seemingly swamped this country and its people. Therefore we remain silent and without opinion in order to survive this tragic, yet very real life of disastrous proportion.
After being tortured by your family that has spiritually and religiously abused your mind and soul, you would think that there would be a greater acceptance of you as a singular person. You would lean towards believing that upon hearing your remarkable story, the christians would want to encourage you back into what it is they believe, as oppose to threaten you with the biblical wrath of your proposed sin towards god. I never have seen anything other than threats of "Burning in Hell," as my end all for my disbelief towards what destroyed me as a youth in the city of San Francisco. You would think that if the christian was so inclined to be absolutely revered that they would give support and be curious, not condemning, of your own personal revelations so that they may alter them in the end. Not so, as I am sure many can profess too.
As I stand today and testify to my own accounts in my life, I point the finger of blame at the parties responsible for ensuring my demise as a human being in my youth and as an adult. In spite of the lack of belief in this regard, I know that one day soon their (My Family of Orgin) own testimony to the world at large in explanation of the things that I have written will be heard and frowned upon as sad and unnecessary to defend with such degree of malice. The beatings and the manipulations will only continue to progress towards further negativity and the destruction of who may be in my physical place to take it in my sted. Once a person has learned to feed off the tragedy of others they never break the habit. It is an addiction that has no cure because it is difficult to identify. Most layman would pass such behavior off as a person, "Being mean," or "Unkind" towards other people. In the reality that you do not seem to live in, people of this caliber (FOO) get worse with age due to the very simple fact that they have never been caught or outed publicly by name. Therefore evil perpetuates evil under the pretense of christianity in this case.
Looking towards a revolution amongst the people that believe in evil will be paramount in the actual identification of such monstrous human beings. As long as you turn away from the adults that find the courage in themselves to speak of such abuse in their lives, then the problem will just continue to enhance itself, invading your life soon. Thanking the latest AT&T commercial for the division in myself once again, I propose nothing but the deliverance of difficulty into all of your lives as the avid readers of others pain and agony. This is not funny, nor is it a joke. People watch this National Advertisement along with many children in this country. By simple disregard for health and well-being this behavior is then replicated, introducing a callous and heinous way to treat young individual. To put the "Golden Child" and the "Scapegoat Child" out there for all of us to see how it actually works on t.v. is a great accomplishment for the people who would like to breed more Narcissistic Energy in this already selfish country. I know that for me personally this commercial makes me know that there is nothing that I could say to shock or cause dismay on here or in public. Here is an advertised Malignant Narcissist and her enabling husband, it is a "How to Video, create your own Scapegoat and Golden child in the privacy of your own home."
Causing division amongst the siblings for life; this is the goal of the parents that play such cruel and real games with their children. The parents have now created the Narcissistic Energy they require to see them through all the way until their own demise or death. Wow!! I hope that you suffer at the hands of the Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath soon. It is so much fun, I can't wait till your the grown boy from this commercial and face the world as I had too, with no support from whom is meant to love you, your parents and FOO.
I have never expected my writings to go much beyond my expression of horror on this blog. In the end I will be heard beyond the grave. Maybe someday a human being will take the time from their own selfishness to read and understand what is written about the people that are bringing an end to compassion and love, just as my family is doing daily in San Francisco to my children. For in the not to distant future because of ad's like this one, parents will only produce children that have been separated by their parents stupidity in their upbringing. By depraved indifference the human race will end and find that extinction is the final judgment of the behavior which it portrays towards one another. Even in the wild, animals turn to another for the support and encouragement to live free. In a collective they will run from captors as you see when the Discovery Channel films in Africa. There is not one animal that doesn't turn to run with the herds to save its life as men attempt to kill or trap them for study or Zoo's. Sadly, as in this depraved and gross commercial, children have no place to run to safety for love and the very much needed compassion of a fellow human being after you are told that all you have is a remote. You cannot tell me that this has not been played out across this country by the stupid people that believe it is so funny. It is all in the privacy of the homes and being touted as a joke or the infamous, "I'm just playing with you." This hurt does not leave your person as a child. And I doubt there are any efforts to undo the sick joke being played amongst the ignorant and cruel adults today.
FOO - Family of Origin
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