It Changed Me

The other day something said,
so random the words did roll,
off the tongue of whom should know,
know better than to just plain hurt.

The sting of what was done,
the pain brought on was berserk,
primal nature came to protect,
the downward spiral was at such a depth,
the pain was deathly.

Who would have thought that sharing fun,
would leave you feeling over-run,
the instant of was like a hammer,
driven deeply with words of slammer.

Up I got and off I went,
tried to recover this horrid thought,
I know I'm far from beautiful,
I understand I'm ugly,
I know that I'm a billion and a half pounds.

My older sister use to tell me to claim my obesity on my taxes,
my family told me that I was so ugly I should die,
I've heard these lovely things since birth,
why must people drive them in again and again.

Self-esteem what is that,
I thought it would be safe to help,
even though I know that my face is offensive to everyone,
the way I look seems to repulse,
and my body is so disgusting it makes them run.

I am aware that my past has left me beat up,
I know it shows,
but to repeat the same things from when I was young,
I'm stunned in how exact.

The smile ripped from me,
I was feeling good about getting back on my feet,
the pain has been tolerable although it gets bad,
but to be wiped-out for what,
for things I'm working on,
made me feel dead on the ground.

Primal wounds brought on by chance,
I wish to bury my head with my hands on my face,
so that no one will ever have to look at this disgrace,
reminding me that I'm so gross I should be erased.

The Wait So Placed

The belief that was needed,

never given.

The relief that was looked for,

never there.

Hiding became a way,

to survive.

Learning to be quiet,

silent stares.

Incredibly sensitive,

saved my life.

Taught myself to be wise,

forever patient.

Strength to stand and speak,

terrifying.

Things that come from nowhere,

always aware.

Living with all that has happened,

keep it simple.

Holding to fact,

important.

Breathing in, breathing out,

taking it slow.

Realizing nobody cares,

shocking.

Second thoughts,

none.

Left For Dead

Countless times did add-up,

people left me on display,

laying still on ground of done,

I just stared and said........ nothing.

There I was in simple sight,

left for dead without a hope,

offenders would walk off,

into the darkened path of long.

Each moment that I'd hold my breath,

easy self I can be bold,

do not fight or kick in plight,

roll your eyes in back,

show demise.

Fix your stare relax your bare,

let it go and empty body of any pull.

Relax, relax, relax, relax,

allow these monsters time to go,

oh no, don't panic the listened show,

still your self and look the sign.

Fear please drain from this lane,

here he comes to double-take done,

don't panic, don't panic, don't panic,

just release, don't move, don't move don't move,

he'll leave this sting.

He's leaving, he's leaving,

breathe with ease,

don't show chest moving,

slow, slowly, slower, slow.

Listen, listen, listen carefully,

the creek of the hinge,

the door will lend,

listen, listen, listen,

the handle turning so quietly,

the whisper of the footsteps on the floor,

he's coming.

Hold, hold, out with rolled,

again double-checking what has been,

don't panic, don't panic, don't move yet,

eyes have met don't move the set,

fixed, fixing, fix stare, don't ..

twitch, twitch, he's suspicious rare,

twitch...twitch, violent twitch,

life not fighting, natural response.

Fix eyes leaving open,

dead eyes fixed point over-head,

closer, closer here he comes,

don't move you fixed stare or you'll really be done.

Last check to make sure you're dead,

don't blow it, can't hold my breath longer,

don't panic, relax, he's turning his head,

don't move it's almost over,

the door, please door I hear you,

are you shutting?

Silently I heard it click.

Breathe, breath, breathe,

I'm not alright but I am still here,

sit slowly just in case,

is he hiding to see disgrace?

Stay still I feel his hot breath....

dont' panic he is still very close,

listen, listen, don't move, don't move...

KICKED air escapes my being and death still looks complete,

I'm not going to make it through this one,

don't panic he's not crying, angry, hot, he's walking not,

sitting... thinking.... wait... he's leaving,

gone.

Oh my god !!!!

Don't shake, don't shake,

he thinks I'm .....dead,

let it go, let it go, get up slow.

Breathing shallow,

wait,

one of these times ..

one of these times...

one of these times will be the last time,

either way at least I know I tried so hard to get away.