Friday, July 15, 2011

Exorcism Thriving In U.S., Say Experts


By Oliver Libaw
Sept. 11
The devil must be busier than ever in the new millennium.

Exorcism, the ancient rite of casting out Satan and his demons from the souls of the possessed, is thriving in America and was long before recent revelations that Mother Teresa underwent one and Pope John Paul II performed them.

"It is a big phenomenon," J. Gordon Melton, a Methodist minister who directs the Institute for the Study of American Religion, says of exorcisms in the United States.

"There is a lot of exorcism going on."

What many might consider an archaic and obscure rite has been front-page news this year.

Last week, the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry Sebastian D'Souza, announced that he ordered an exorcism performed on Mother Teresa before she died in 1997.

D'Souza said he thought the Nobel Peace Prize-winning nun possibly was being attacked by the devil, and asked a priest to exorcise it.

Mother Teresa is not the only prominent Catholic figure linked to exorcism.

Italian media reported that Pope John Paul II attempted to exorcise evil spirits from a 19-year-old Italian woman last year, although the Vatican said he only blessed her.

The Roman Catholic Church's chief exorcist said the woman displayed superhuman strength, and that the pope's efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit.

Closer to home, exorcism is increasingly widespread, experts say.

Different Denominations, Hundreds of Exorcists

"Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before," writes Michael Cuneo, a sociologist at Fordham University, in his newly published book, American Exorcism.

Cuneo suggests that though the hit book and movie The Exorcist brought the subject national attention in the 1970s, exorcism has grown more popular in the past two decades.

The Catholic Church has at least 10 official exorcists around the United States, nine more than a decade ago, Cuneo says. He found them reporting the kind of bizarre supernatural behavior featured in movies: levitation, mysterious scars and wounds that might form pictures or spell out hateful words, and more.

The church remains extremely cautious in approving the procedure. The vast majority of exorcisms today are performed by a variety of protestant religions, Cuneo and other experts say.

"By conservative estimates, there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many," he writes, in addition to numerous exorcisms performed by charismatic, Pentecostal and other brands of Christianity.

From Screams and Vomit to Quiet Prayer

Some involve tying people to chairs and then trying to scream the demons out of them; others retch and curse while writhing on the floor. Some are more like therapy sessions, where counselor-exorcists discuss demons of lust and guilt along with traditional mental health concerns.

Roman Catholic exorcisms are elaborate, carefully planned rituals that take hours to complete. They can involve holy water, crucifixes, and sacred ruins, as laid out by the De Exorcismus et supplicationibus quibusdam, an updated exorcism manual approved by Pope John Paul II in 1998.

"There's an actual formula," says Father Joseph Scerbo, a Roman Catholic priest who heads the Association of Christian Therapists. Scerbo says actual demonic possession is extremely rare, and many may use the term incorrectly to apply to demonic affliction, which is less serious.

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Sept. 11

Scerbo doubts Mother Teresa was the victim of full-fledged demonic possession and in need of an exorcism.

In contrast to Roman Catholic ritual, many protestant exorcisms are straightforward and may not appear much different from a normal prayer service.

"We would not see it as any elaborate ritual," says the Rev. J.R. Hall, editor of the Pentecostal Herald and member of the United Pentecostal Church. He says an exorcism might involve nothing more than prayer and laying hands on the afflicted.

Many conservative protestants see the devil as an active force in the everyday lives of people, and feel that exorcism is the natural way to deal with it. They might undergo several exorcisms — also called a "deliverance" — a month.

New Age religions also have their own brand of exorcism, believing that spirits of the dead and other supernatural creatures routinely interfere with and sometimes possess the living, and must be told to leave.

Possession vs. Mental Illness: How Can You Tell?

Like many protestant groups, United Pentecostal Church members believe the Holy Spirit gives them the power of "divination" — to sense when a demon is afflicting someone.

Many people might be violent, depressed, or irreligious without any supernatural involvement.

"Through the Holy Spirit, you can tell it's more," says Hall of genuine cases of possession.

Pastor Steven Waterhouse, an evangelical Christian who heads the Westcliff Bible Church in Amarillo, Texas, has written about the differences between mental illness and possession.

"I think there are such things as demon influence but I think it's rare," he says.

"People are too quick to diagnose demons. Human nature is plenty evil on its own."

Amateur Exorcisms Linked to Deaths

Exorcism has caused a number of real-world tragedies over the years, including several deaths.

Pentecostal ministers in San Francisco pummeled a woman to death in 1995, as they tried to drive out her demons.

In 1997, a Korean Christian woman was stomped to death in Glendale, Calif., and in the Bronx section of New York City, a 5-year-old girl died after being forced to swallow a mixture containing ammonia and vinegar and having her mouth taped shut.

In 1998, a 17-year-old girl in Sayville, N.Y., was suffocated by her mother with a plastic bag, in an effort to destroy a demon inside her.

Cuneo reports that a Wisconsin woman successfully sued her psychiatrist in 1997, after he diagnosed her as diabolically possessed, and having 126 personalities, including the bride of Satan and a duck. The experience left her suicidal, she claimed.

Overall, many involved in exorcism say the prayers and rituals involved are safe and may offer some comfort to true believers who are not actually afflicted by demons.

"If it's real to the person, you have to take it seriously," says Eddie Gibbs, an Anglican priest and professor at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. "I do believe that there is an intelligence behind evil," he insists.

But, he cautions: "We mustn't be gullible."

The Darkness Of The Day




My best friend committed suicide over what happened to us as children.  He told his parents that he could not take the fear.  I was thinking about him today.  I was thinking about how hard we fought as children to get through the most terrifing of times together just to end up dead in the end.  It seems so unfair.

If I don't confront my fears or what is haunting me then I will not be that far behind him.  There is such a thin line between finding the room to express yourself and becoming swollowed up whole by what happened to you.  Flashbacks are very difficult to deal with in your life.  I do not believe that people understand how crippling they are to your everyday existence. Maybe it is because you cannot see them.  It is difficult to see into a broken brain. Flashbacks strike at will and you never know what will trigger them, so you are cautious of everything.  I have found that when they consume me I try and relax, allowing them to run there course.  Sometimes I will write my way out of them, hence all the spelling or grammatical errors you will run across if you read my stuff or get an email in the middle of one, sorry.  I have tried a lot of different things to stop the flashback but nothing really seems to work.  It seems that when your mind wants to relive a situation that whether you are in agreement or not, your mind does it regardless.  No matter your schedule or your whereabouts.  I have tried to show patience with myself but the frustration of the situation sometimes gets the best of me.

Today I am stuck in this one continual re-run in my head.  Davy and I were in the Church Building  on O'farrel and Divisadero Streets.  We were waiting for the morning service to begin. We were coming out of one of the side rooms into the entrance hall of the church.  My mother was walking towards us with several people following her.  I looked over to Dave and immediately grabbed his hand.  I turned out of the way while still holding onto his hand because I knew what was coming next and I would try to hold onto him as long as possible.  What comes next just disturbs me to no end.  I hate that I am playing this video over and over again in my head. He sees my mother and projectile vomits across the entry hall.  The vomit flys so far that on several occasions it would hit my mother.  It was so gross, I cannot even begin to tell you how discusting this was to experience.  The worse part has yet to come.  They would grab him, yanking him out of my hand.  They would scream and yell, casting demons out of him.  I was always pushed and shoved out of the way.  There was nothing I could do once the confrontation began, I felt so helpless. It happened so many times that my mother made him carry a bucket around all of the time.  One particular time that this happened, he was made to eat the vomit.  On the day that this happened I began vomiting too. 

These times in my life are etched into my memory and now it plays like a movie for reasons that make no sense to me.  All it proceeds to do is remind me of the cruelty and abuse we suffered through.  The frustration that I suffer with all of this stored up information just continues because there is no good way to look at any of these things that took place.  The on-set of flashbacks in my life are causing me to be flustered with myself.  What is it that my mind is trying to tell me?  What lesson have I not learned?

I feel that if I do not stand against the abuse  that has happened in my life then somehow I am giving a thumbs up to what took place.

I Was Followed


The temptation of the lies
I watched and then I cried
As they ripped away at my sides
I stood and didn't die!

How easily a Narcissist creates
what they need and never gave
lessons in a cover-up
No truth was taught, Umbrella bought
as lights shine in their home.

Publicly they trend
to undo my mend
Speaking half-truths so this may end
just to attack me once again.

Hidden men, Lurking woman
Paranoia drives this madness!
Confessional from a member then
"I followed you for them."

Scary thought, of this I know
Caught them once and had to go
Difference lies in the truth he told
Made me know I wasn't old.

"Sixteen"
It was mean!

It is one thing to wonder, When?
It is something to see, Then?
Ask them the question, Why?
and you'll be beat for their lie.

Countenance must be my try
Habits never die
listing.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ruined Life



It's Mine!

With the torn down self-esteem
The destroyed child's dream
The loveless marriages
I will not redeem
I make a solid sound

Standing with my dignity
I never waiver long
My strength is my song
The lyrics are my life
I'm sorry for the strife

A ruined life is what it is
I never questioned this
Why do you insist
That I must measure this?

My life is my own
Ruined and at home
I build from what is left
Be it sticks or be it stones
I've always been alone

To share or to speak
On subjects that may creep
Inside your soul and mind
Proves that it is time
To never give it up

It's Mine!


Time Will Tell



Wicked is back!
Get the rack.
Find the cross!
Bare my weight tonight.

Nightmares come down the walk.
Tick! Talk!

As the clock bell tolls,
I prepare,
for night time hauls.
Will I survive this? Crap!

I am the one!
The kid that will never go back.
Watch out I will ruin you,
I am evil too.

I hate all your sexual desires,
your orgies and you're liars!
Do you still do that?
Pictures prove even the simple facts.

Death Sings



Why?
Must I see what upsets me?
My father? My brother? Bother my mind.
It is no recent discovery of mine.
All I know is that I was smothered.
I tried to go but I froze.

Looking upon your body is wrong!
Yelling and screaming over my head.
That is when I realized I was dead.
Blanket stares were not so long,
as I watched death pick-me up wrong!

I was not there to hear his song.

Jumping back I realized,
I had not feet to land upon.
In seconds flat, I did come back,
my breath I held, just to gasp!

The next time happened with regular instance.
My brother so angry, his eyes were glass.
Terror does reach a new and heightened path.
I can't read! I can't help myself.

I cry in silence, they can't hear.
Without yourself noise deafens.
To walk through your death,
becomes nothing more than light to me.

Sadness, terror and fright sank in,
deep within my cells.
My body, heart and soul don't need,
for sight became encompassing.

It set within my mind,
it tailed me from behind,
No Help! No Love!
No Peace! No Dream!

My life was over but not yet done.
The torture had really only just begun.
No one would know my empty home,
my soul, my heart, doth roam!

To give away so it never strayed,
was best to do that day.
I gave to one while hiding from,
the people claiming rights.

It was so easy,
to see the pleasing,
of Entity's not known.

Off I'd go, at every show,
of Father and the like.
It's proven now, that blood lines hold,
the evil and the known.
So break your ties!
Stand up for rights!
Pleasure is not here.

For after-life, when death doth know,
your name and not your fight.
Don't cry to me,
 'cause mystery is known.

You better be accountable,
for more than just your own.
Otherwise, you'll just tell lies,
and truth will be unknown.

Pain Runs Deep



Within my body soul,
I go the course.

Overwhelmingly hurt!
I strain to get air.

Smothered by lies,
covered by secrets.

I cannot even dare
to stand without judgement.

I stare!!

Know Lies




The past is our lesson,
The present our teacher,
Future is an adventure!

Learn by our lessons.
Receive the education.
Change the future.

Happiness lies in our hearts.
Explore the depths.
Shine a light into your cave.
Know that hope will spring from the hands
that sew your tomorrows!!

Monday, July 11, 2011

Speaking Out Against Abuse!



I have read some opinions of others on the Google Blogs about speaking or not speaking of past abuse.  The consensus of everyday people seems to be that we should not speak out about the abuse we have suffered in our lives.  I have been told that I should move on, putting all of the pain down and worrying about a good job, a nice home and building a better life.  It sounds so all American I almost want to go and have a slice of Apple Pie.

I am not certain if the layman is aware of how difficult it is to speak on our own accord.  In many cases, such as my own, it takes us years and quiet a bit of suffering more abuse from our families to finally push us into defending our lives.  This often comes about when we have hit the end of the road and are completely fed up with the treatment that we receive from the abusers. 

I experienced being traumatized yet again by my mothers constant barrage into my life.  She would leave 25 to 30 messages on my answering machine in a matter of 3 to 4 hours.  This would go on until I finally would answer the phone.  This would happen at home or at work. If I happened to be a work during one these episodes the calls would come in at the same rate.  In fact my mother respected nothing at all  in my life.  My family would run me down and say that I was "Poor white trash" or call me a "Hick."  I owned my own home in Sacramento, I had a beautiful pool, a lovely car and I paid my bills all by myself. I did all of this just like a normal person would do. 

It seems to be an abusers position to continue to abuse regardless of how hard you try to turn and walk the other way in your life.  My mother told me that I was such a good Pagan.  I was a little shocked at her brash words but I had come to accept the insults as everyday communication from her.  The pain that comes from these comments lingers with you as you march on in your life.  You can try to excuse them or you can try to ignore them, no matter what you attempt to do with the rudeness of this or any other human being, it has a tendency to stay with you.  Especially when you are confused about love and how it is shown to you.  I only knew her abusive attention as the love that she showed to me.  So it has taken me years and years to finally come to the decision that I need to stop the abuse because even though it is love to me, it is destroying me at the same time.

The question really comes down to nothing more than Why?  Why are we meant to be quiet and not defend ourselves from these monsters in our lives?  Why are we meant to turn a blind eye to the damages they do to other people?  Why can they say whatever they please and people will say, "Oh, but they will never change."?  Why are we encouraged to walk away again and again, yet never encouraged to stay and fight for our dignity?  Why?

I did have a good job. I supported myself and my children.  I will work again, I was just hurt very badly on the job.  In fact my lawyer is working very hard to get me the back pay from the years that the Workers Compensation Company did not pay me.  Had they continued to pay me while I was getting better I would not be in the situation that I am currently.  But, such is life, no one said that it would be easy. 

As I fell further down this rabbit hole I found that the events from my past became undeniable.  Each day they began to haunt me more and more.  I am sorry that my family chose to be so cruel to me in the past few years, for they are the reason that I have decided to speak up.  Had they never attacked my life again I would have allowed this all to fall by the way side, as I have always done.  However, a person can only sustain themselves for so long before the dam begins to crumble and then eventually break.  The hammering of my mother and family upon my life must stop. The only way to stop an abuser is by standing and saying in a public venue, "Stop abusing me."  It seems that if you do not do this publicly they, in the collective sense, think they are getting away with all the abuse.  The abuse must end.

Speaking out on a Google Blog is a very difficult and scary thing to do.  This is the beginning and I am very grateful to Google for providing me with a venue to speak my mind freely. To make this extremely big decision in your life is very intimidating at first.  I was always told that I would be killed if I ever spoke out against my family and what they have done.  I believed them, I didn't question what they had told me so long ago.  When I first began to blog, I shook with fear.  I was sure somehow that I would just drop dead at any moment during my blogging.  The fear and the horror of this reality is felt throughout my body.  It is almost as if my very cell structure has been immersed in their words and threats.  All of what has happened to me in my life, is soaked into me that way.  My step-father beat it into me so that I would never forget and I have not ever forgotten.  Abusers don't stop when you are 18 years old.  Abusers never stop at all.  So for all the layman that believe we can just heal and move forward, that is a beautiful thought and/or statement.  Sadly, many of us have done that with our lives and as we were going along we were attacked again by the same abusers. Nothing stops a Narcissist, a Malignant Narcissist or better known in the medical field a Sociopath from continuing what they want to do.  They will do anything and everything to keep you from being at peace in your life.  This is a well-known fact.

The other statement provided to me by my step-father in my adult life was, "Nobody will believe you!"  I think that this is the biggest fear that we, as the adult children of these abusers seem to face.  When the decision is made to finally speak on what has happened to us, this simple statement that my step-father made such a point to ram down my throat has been considered.  I know for myself that I never questioned people believing me or not, contrary to what my step-father had ever said.  All anyone would have to do in my case is to go and meet my family.  In fact I am often told that my mother will never change.  I do know this to be a fact.  This is why I am not going to step-aside or put down the past for a future that will never happen as long as these monsters continue to do as the please, when they please in my life.  I have always felt that if and when I ever decided to speak-out against my mother and it came down to believability of one or the other one of us, that the issue only lies in the laps of the people that just judge and do not take the time to go and meet her in person or investigate the members of her congregation.  I know that two of the Church Members were going to appear on the Montel Williams show about Cults.  So I know that it would not take much of an investigation on any one persons part to realize that there is trouble in this family.   My story is not known and so my blogging is just a simple way to express myself.  So whether one would believe me or not, it would never be an issue for me because I do not plan to go to court and press charges for all that I have suffered.

I enjoy a community on this Google Blog that supports one another and is part of the plight on standing against abuse.  This community supports one another without having to say, "Prove it."  Those words seem to spill from the mouths of the idiots and ignoramus in the World.  I don't have to prove that my best friend committed suicide.  He did.  It is a fact.  He could no longer stand the growing fear inside him as it began to afflict him more and more each day.  That is something that I can relate with very strongly.  Stop the abuse!  It is unkind and cruel to do in the first place, let alone continue to do to you as an adult, it is torture to hold yourself above these daily attacks.  Stop the abuse! 

If we do not stand and promote healthy lifestyles for ourselves, who will?  Who will stand and stop these people from the continued abuse on our lives.  Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Enablers  don't stop on their own accord.  Learning to stand against what Society believes we should do is difficult enough, but when we are faced with the continued slaughter of our lives behind the backs of the very people that believe we should turn the other cheek, it becomes insurmountable.  I know that as each of our stories are told by us, the pressure to stop speaking out on abuse becomes greater for each and everyone of us that stands against the norm.  The best pay back, as it is so eloquently said by many people, is not to keep going and becoming successful.  I did that in my life and I never felt peace from doing what Society said that I should do, just move on.  I know that the best pay back is to know that there is nothing owed by me and that there is no one to pay back at all.  I know that the best decision for my life is to stand up and say, "Stop the Abuse!"  I cannot do that in silence. I can only do that with an audible voice and the strength that comes from within myself to stand against evil regardless of the cost.


http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/07/stop-abuse.html

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Love, The Meaning To Life


As we struggle to regain our composure in life after the full blown narcissistic attack from the people that swear they care for us, I wonder?  What is Love?  I was never wanted in my life and therefore never loved.  A well guarded secret until a few years ago when my shrink Kilgore looked at me after having extremely strong words with my mother and said, "You have never been loved, have you?"  I burst into tears. What he had said was so far from left field that it took my breath away.  As I gasped to regain any sense of self I nodded no to his question.  I looked at him in a blank repose.

Never in my life had anyone ever even hinted around this well hidden fact, let alone just blurted it out.  Even as I write my heart begins to ache at the thought of the loneliness that I have experienced in the silence of this secret. As you know I spent several years trying to get back to see Dr. Kilgore.  During this time I spent much of my time wondering how he could know such a fact.  He was so matter of fact about his statement to me.  What he had said did follow some very harsh words to my mother about being in between my ex-husband and I.  He also told her to tell my little sister to get out of my life completely and to stop phoning and making arrangements with my ex-husband.  But, I was so thrown off guard when he said it to me that even today I think about the fact that I had had such a huge guard up.

To hide such a horrible secret about yourself throughout your life made you look suspicious to others sometimes.  I think about my interactions with people and I think about how difficult it was to look and act normal.  I had taught myself through the use of television growing-up what the proper responses were in everyday conversations, but what you may not realize is that love is much more relevant to human interaction than you may think.  It is almost the main staple in the ingredients of any type of interactions.  You would really be surprised how often the word is used as well. "I love this restaurant!"  "I love these jeans."  I love this movie."  All of which sounds harmless until you think about the fact that it is a constant reminder of the one thing you are missing that is meant to make you human.

I have always felt like a learning robot.  I tried to take the human emotion out of myself so that I would not be so easily hurt by someone just saying something in passing.  Everything that people said was indeed harmless, they never knew that it evoked such strong emotion in me.  I on the other hand had worked very hard not to react.  The closest comparison I can make to what I am saying so that you may understand a little better is as follows.  Imagine never being taught to duck out of the way.  It is similar to that in the sense that someone would be talking and they would say "Duck," and you just stood there.  Wham!, you would be knocked out by whatever was headed your way.  Well it is like getting the "Wham." I was constantly knocked back by the use of the word.  It was just a reminder everyday of what I had been missing so badly in my life.

The damage that a mother can do to you as a child or as an infant is sad and irreversible.  No matter how hard you try to undo or to educate yourself or to grow thicker skin, the pain of your introduction into this world stays with you.  Never did I think that anyone would ever know that I was so lacking. I almost felt as if my right to even exist should be terminated because I didn't know what love is the way that you all seem to feel and know it.  I had to learn to say the word so that I blended more with society. However, I know that what I feel and what I see others feel is very different. 

I used to stare at my mother growing-up.  I used to try to see or understand why her feelings towards my siblings was so different than the way that she treated me.  She treated me with coldness and indifference to my very existence in the household.  As if I was an emotionless drone.  I would stare and wonder what I had done wrong to be treated so differently all of the time.  I would study her inter-actions with my siblings and try to repeat them so that I  might experience the same reaction from her.  It was always to no avail. Sadly I was well aware that I was not loved from a very young age.  Truthfully I never remember being or feeling loved.  I always felt as if I was the Cinderella of the family and that they would just like it better if I disappeared and was never around again.  A picture of me a sixteen tells the story even better than I could.  Sadness would fill me and I would cry inside.  I could never understand why I was so different, so unlovable. I still look back and wonder the same thing, Why?


I cry.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I am the Daughter of my Mother!



She founded Polo in the Park in the early eighties and it benefits the James Brady Riding Program.  I have volunteered most of my life for my Mothers non-profits.  She is an entrepreneur in San Francisco, or at least that is how she refers to herself.  She originally started her church, Christ Bearers Chorale Congregation in 1971 out of her friends home on Balboa Street.  Previous to that she worked for Student League and promoted Rock Concerts, working along side people like Bill Graham.  In fact there was a point at a concert in Golden Gate Park when she threw him off the stage because it was her turn to have her band perform, so the story goes.  She is very much a supporter of herself and of her opinions in life.  She is a self-ordained evangelical minister along with her husband. 

She originally moved to San Francisco after living in Marin County with my father. They moved to San Francisco because she told me that he stood out to much over there. Of course that was the story that she gave when she told me why they moved from Salem, Oregon. The stories that she told me of  herself and now ex-husband, my supposed father, were so crude that I have yet to be able to share them with anyone other than my psychiatrist.

When I was three years old she actually took me to see a psychiatrist because I had stopped speaking completely.  So, needless to say that my life has been difficult for a very long time and there have been definite signs along the way of trouble in the home. What is so funny is that three or so years ago, one of the agreements that I had to sign  in order to stay in her home was to go and see a psychiatrist. I was only in her home for six weeks before they had me arrested, but that is another story all together. During that time my mother and step-father took me to the office of the psychiatrist that they were going to employ for me.  Low and behold, to my surprise, we get there and I look at the door!  Vuksinick? I said, "This is the guy I saw when I was a kid," in an instant I felt three years old again.  I had remembered his name and just then he walks out of his office, I almost fell over dead.  It turns out I was not going to see him but the other psychiatrist down the hall, Kilgore.  However the trap had been set and it did snap.

It is odd to take your troubled daughter back down memory lane however in my Mothers case she was trying to see if I remembered anything from childhood. They, being my family have been petrified for years that I was going to write a "Tell All" book.  Something I had never taken into serious consideration due to the very nature of my past.  I had never wanted to re-visit any of it, at any time because it was so paramount for the health and welfare of my life to distance myself from it.  After the arrest and subsequent jail experience, I was not able to go  back to see Kilgore until this past year.  I mention this because it is so pertinent to my life's story.  You see Vuksinick remembers my mother also, in fact he has been kind enough to fill Kilgore in on some of the back ground story of my life.  One of the first things that he said was "Your Mother wrote the script for your life." How honest and true that statement was to make. You read about these things happening and you may discuss them with your current counselor but what a rare opportunity to have the shrink from your childhood make such a bold statement.  It is unique to be able to piece over 43 years together in your life like I have been able to do in the past few months.  It lends such credence to your story that the worry of not being believed is lifted off of your shoulders.  I am now grateful that my Mother took me back to where I would have my memory jogged by a name.  It was a difficult few years, she did cause the flashbacks that I suffer from to begin, but in the end I believe that for me at least it has been worth it.

I am sure that my Mother never intended for me to be able to afford Kilgore, thus leaving me out in the cold with only the reality that my childhood psychiatrist still existed.  Knowing that I had not made up the story of having to see a shrink at three years old.  It is or was yet another teaser on my family's part to say "Ha ha, we know what you went through but you will never be able to get it together enough to prove any of it."  However, I am fortunate enough or lucky enough and have been able to go back and see Kilgore.  This is something I am sure she never thought that I would be able to pull off after being arrested and thrown out on my ear.  I now go once a week to discuss the how's, and the why's of my disastrous life, but I have the comfort of knowing that the man down the hall is on my side, so now reality bites!  For I have two wonderful men that root for me. They work out of the same office and  are professionals in the field that I need on my side to only say one thing to all of you that question my life. I just need them to say that I am not crazy or insane, I just suffer from severe PTSD.  I had never forgotten my shrinks name from when I was a child.  Finding him again was something I had desperately wanted to do but was not sure that I could accomplish. So how blessed I must be that my family was desperate enough to push me down a path causing nothing but pain and bad memories to rise again, that I ran smack into what will one day be the strangest and most unique story to ever be told.

Life is beautiful but awfully strange.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Accidental Tourist, written 4/04/04 by me. It is so apropos in the end.



April 4, 2004 ( A letter I had written to a man but never delivered because I was told by a friend of mine it was inappropriate to have written. His name was Dan.)


Often times we find ourselves in situations that seem to have no rhyme or reason. Whether it is happenstance or a series of events that evolved, that lead us down a shared path for a short time, the only explanation will become evident in time. As time passes, we stop and reflect on those moments that possessed very little clarity and begin to realize their relevance in our life. We both are wise enough to realize, that time, will bring twenty/twenty vision to any circumstance.


From the first moment that we met, you spoke of the amount of pain I was in and how recognizing that pain was imperative to recovering from the destruction that the pain had caused. In the conversations since, you said many other things that I did not want to hear, nor did I want to listen too. Although I was persistent in my denial, you never wavered from your path, nor did you change your message to me. The rare opportunity that you had, which was an insight into my own vulnerabilities, shook me to my core.

At first, I began to build my walls higher and had to immediately assess the construction of said walls and how I had allowed my defenses to become vulnerable. I put into question the construction of my defense mechanisms, which had taken years of refinement to ensure no weaknesses. In a hurry to protect myself from what I felt was impending doom, you stopped me in my tracks by a simple statement you made, “The dam will have to break sometime.” In my hurried thoughts to repair my obviously falling down walls of protection, I stopped. You actually made me stop, stop and think. Not about how to protect myself, but stop and think about how correct you were. For it does not matter how well built our defense mechanisms are or how well constructed our walls, if you do not have an outlet, the entire construction will tumble to its knees. The actual destruction may not come from the vast amount of crap stored up, it may come from the last drop of water that has drizzled in from an innocent stream. Recognition of said failures may be the first steps to the following reality, finding imperfection in one’s self as a weakness, can become an opportunity to find greater internal strength.

Your friendship has afforded me a rare insight into my own vulnerabilities. You stated your observations and I am grateful. I am relieved that you were able to gain the insight and communicate that to me. Although the path that I am headed down is not lit, nor does it seem to possess any road signs for direction, I appreciate the shove that you gave to me. You kicked me out of the hole that I had been wallowing in and started me down the road that will restore the confidence that I once experienced. For this simple gesture, I will be forever grateful.

The beauty of verse is the long lasting effect on our minds. For it is not just a passing word, but an everlasting message to be held as a fortunate extension of one’s self.



P.S. This was written the day after you said the above. I wrote this off the top of my head, with no great deep meaning for you or to you, just a direct reflection of my thoughts.

I Do Not Need The Problem If I Have The Answer! WAR!!


 Here I come!!  This is the battle of my life.......

I am not a Survivor yet, I am still a Warrior! I am just beginning to pick-up the pieces that my family smashed me into so long ago.  I am a Mother of four children in this World.  I have been removed from their life for reasons that the Malignant Narcissist has been so forthright to provide whomever needed it.  You have taken my children from a person that was raised and survived a nightmare.  My children are with these people as we speak. Nobody listens to you when you tell them not to allow this to happen.  You can beg and plead but this is where money speaks and you need to step aside until you are able to stand again. Today is that day for me.

Everything that has happened to me in the past five years is all recorded in the courts or in letters that I have written. I sent out over 3000 of them.  I desperately reached out for help when this attack on my life first happened.  What my family has done to me in the past five years has been reprehensible and I am surprised that I have survived in tact, but I have.  I was separated from my youngest two children by a man that is an confirmed Narcissist, that believes he will be left in my mother's Will if he abides by her wishes.  He has sued me for an enormous amount of child support and yet has never held down a job of his own.  I have no problem supporting my children but when the wind is knocked out of you and you are healing from a very bad accident it makes paying the $1400.00 a month impossible.  But I will pay what I owe eventually because I believe in supporting my children regardless. 

However you should be aware that the only reason this man sued me for full custody of my two younger children was to get what he called a free check each month.  Hence the reason my children spend so much time at my mothers in San Francisco. By farming them out to her he then has to pay for nothing at all, this was the screaming message that he left for me, to let me know that he was in control of everything in my life.  It would not take much for someone to investigate his background to find that he has an extremely sorted past with very questionable people.  It would take less to get our divorce file and read how hard I fought for this to not happen because I knew that my children would end up at my parents home.  The very people that perpetrated this crime against my life.

I have two older children that have been unduly influenced in regards to myself.  Somehow since my Mother is a Malignant Narcissist and should never be visited or trusted, then I am the same way.  These are the words of the people that my older two children have surrounded themselves with these days.  I have not heard from them in the past three years and I never was invited to my oldest daughters graduation from U.C. Berkeley.  They are both adults and should they wish their lives to be missing there mother that is their decision to make but I would like to at least know the reason why they have cut me out of their life.
So as a kind warning to my dear family I am at the beginning of this declared War against you.  I have been accommodating and silent for my entire life as you do what you please to whom you wish. However you have gone after a mother and that invokes a very wild and animalistic reaction.  It is as if you have woken the sleeping bear within. I am no longer going to stand-by and watch you destroy the lives of my children and continue to tear this family apart.  You are wrong, you were wrong and you will continue to be wrong in your actions against my life and the lives of my children. My siblings should be forewarned that taking underage children out to bars and giving them alcohol is not a cool or acceptable thing to do and I personally hold them responsible for the fall out with my oldest daughter.  I have given the five years of my life to you, so that you could understand that five years ago when I said to you that you can tear me apart but I will rise again if you go after my children to destroy their lives and rip my family apart. The time has come and I am not dead as you had hoped that I would be. 

Instead I have begun to write my story in such a way that it can be read by anyone in a chronological order that will explain to anyone the desperate attempts I have made to let this all fall by the wayside. Dear family that I am not a part of to date and the proof of having no friends as a result of your destructive nature through the deliberate spreading of gossip is obvious right now.  You have told people that I have not been touch with since I was a child that I have ripped my own life apart and that I only contact you for money.  I do not come around your home or your person because there is a restraining order against both of us as a "Stay Away Order." So exactly how do I contact you for money?  Remember my dear idiots, everything you have done is on paper with the courts.  Everything you have said to strangers to ruin my life and the spread of such gossip has been heard by people willing to be part of a lawsuit to reclaim my reputation.

I know the answer in my life is to stand and be for my children the Warrior that will be the example of how to fight evil in this fucked up life.  You have received the message from me that says with the power of the pen and the power of the written word you will be exhausted by me.  I will not allow you to unduly influence my children any longer. The World will be turned on its ear today as I stand to fight the fight of my life. I say to all the fucking counselors along the way that have been the most depressing beings that I have ever met, I am not what you have said, for a survivor of nothing is indicative of my death. I fight for myself, in a War I declared against my Mother when I was only a child.  This is a War that I now continue to fight in open sight instead of behind the closed doors of the prison I was raised in.  I declare this war on the Narcissist, the Malignant Narcissist and the Sociopath, the enablers and the human beings that don't feel that fighting for a cause is worth the very breath of the life you are living.

To bring this battle of words into a venue that can be read worldwide is an opportunity to tell the public at large, I have been at War since my birth. I have yet to survive anything for this war was waged against me while I was just a girl. Be something that you have never been before, ALIVE!  Live one day with me and you will see that you have yet to live a life at all.  My plight is not my own, for there are others that know this unkindness personally.  I fight along side my sisters and brothers for freedom of mind, body and soul. I have a voice that will ring in the nightmares to you. My truth will be your horror.  I will never quit on my children. I am there mother and I have a right to be in there life.  Beware, the truth is the sword that will be the end of my drama and the beginning what is to come.  This is what will show my children that there mother doesn't go down without a fight.  I may be the 666 demon possessed thing or it that my family has called me for my entire life, but I say to you, who is evil and who is good.  I believe in me, I believe in the wealth of my mind, the richness of my soul and the emptiness that my heart is not my own. I gave it away at three, what madness surrounded a three old for them to have done such thing.

Read it and weep knowing only one thing, I have done nothing to have deserved such a tragic life.  But I will do everything to get back my family and to testify against the evil that has done this to me and my children. I will stand and fight against this evil until my last breath has been drawn once again. I will be what I promised my youngest child that she would have in her life, the Mother of her dreams. A fighter, a Warrior, the princess she believes me to be, I will be it all.



Stand back and realize that I had done everything to put aside what you so openly claim that I still live in, the past.  I do not live in the past, for that would be the actions of an idiot. I had an incredible life that I will not throw away to do as you have advised, "Just start again."  You do not know the journey of another human being until you realize that you have never even been on one of your own. Pictures are worth a thousand words.



Judge me now!