The Cinderella Expense

I have always walked beside myself.  I never was able to totally put myself back together after that experience of having a bag put over my head and was very nearly killed.  Although I didn't die, I felt as if I did.  After years and years of being silent I have chosen to speak up about certain and a very select few of events in my life .  I will try and explain the devastating effects that such events can have on your life by sharing how it destroyed any sense of self I may have had at one point in my life.  I was under the age of Five when the  "Killing Karen" was the agenda of my sibling and then................  

Walking along side myself is far easier than walking inside myself due to the pain.  Living this way  also helps to distribute the pain out over a greater amount of space to be absorbed.  The difficulty comes into play when you try to get others to accept the amount of pain you are in all of the time.  In general people seem to believe that you can just put things down or get over what has happened to you.  This is not possible when you have split off from yourself.  This has been my greatest and most difficult hurdle to cross.  Therefore I am going to try something new and tell you the story from a split point of view.

I started this entire experience at a very young age.  Ever since that particular time I have been split from myself and unable to get back into my body.  I have never spoken about this due to the sensitivity of such a thought or concept and the disbelief that I know I will be met with.  However before judgment is thrown out into the wind, three years ago I had a counselor speak to me in a therapy session about my meta self.  I did not buy into her conversation  because I felt it would counterproductive and held against me should I agree with her theory or go as far as to admit it.  Contrary to what you would think, this is a truly exhausting form to be stuck in. It is an unending frustration that you suffer silently with for fear of repercussions by those that think its funny or it is not a possibility.  You actually learn to  halt your efforts or your attempts to correct what was happened to you by walking along side your human self..  It is as if you are constantly double checking with yourself to ensure that you are nearby.  Laugh if you will but this is a proven and very complex problem. It's a protective mechanism called up by the nervous system when it reaches its maximum capacity to process stimulation (both internally and externally).  Anger speaks today.  My vice is myself and restraint is a burden I wish to carry no more.

When I was sixteen years old I was watching the 3:30 Movie on Channel 7 in San Francisco, California at my mothers house in West Clay Park.  My brother came into the room with two guns.  One was an AK47 and the other was a pistol.  He proceeded to load the pistol in front me, I froze in terror. ("We experience dissociative states when our nervous system is strained to the limit. We're "too full". In other words, we've inadvertently taken in more stimulation than the nervous system can handle.  Life circumstances can overwhelm the nervous system at any time in our growth or later, for example through physical traumatic events. Unresolved issues and traumas can ignite the dissociative pathways. It's a matter of degree. Think of the operating system in a computer. When its' maximum capacity is reached it shuts down inessential software programs in order to save its resources for critical functions, while ensuring that important files are not lost. In effect, the brain does the same thing. When maximum nervous system processing capacity has been reached, the dissociative mechanism comes on line and shuts down less important systems such as our ability to concentrate. Dissociation is a type of freeze response. To the degree that you are dissociative, will be the degree of impairment in your ability to take appropriate fight or flight responses (e.g. being physically threatened). In other words, you are more likely to move into freeze whether you want  or not (e.g. freezing at gun point during a bank robbery).")  I could not speak, as the memories of him killing me as a young girl flooded my mind and caused me to become spatially challenged within my very being.  I could not move to save myself from what was impending doom from him once again.  The horror of my youth was happening.  With anger and sarcasm my brother pointed the pistol at my head and said, "BANG."  He pulled the trigger, my second self left  instantly, never to return again (Hindsight of coarse being 20/20 in this matter.)   Remaining calm in my actual self, I began to get up very slowly, heading towards the closed door.  He came at me once again with that look in his eye.  I recognized it from long ago as him saying to me, "I am going to kill you now." I sat back down, acting as if this was all no big deal.  The commercial break was over and the movie came back on, "Bang" "Click, " another gasp of breath escaped me. I felt faint as my older brother continued his banter of hatred towards me.  He finally got up off the couch turned away for a moment, I was gone, I disappeared into my mothers house.  My brother took my life on that day. He smashed what I had become into pieces and I have never been able to recover any of it.

As I stand in the place of myself and explain to you your short comings, I hope that you desire the wealth of mind, spirit and body I propose.  This is oppose to what it seems that you require while subject to living your life on this planet.  In a very limited way, I hope that you will open your imaginations to a different path that may deliver to you the enlightenment you are so badly in need of in your lives.  To watch from a distance as people betray one another for self gain, I ponder the value of their existence.  Death delivers the final blow to your perceived reality of yourself and your beliefs.  No one speaks of such things in our Country due to the fear of death itself.  Although splitting, dissociating and near-death experiences are on the rise, the belief in such an extension of life is frowned upon.  These documented aspects of a different and challenging dimension to those that live such things has been greeted with doubt and disdain by the general public.  Sadness for your appreciation of other forms of life, even be it death, should cause you to be troubled in your own minds, for in truth you lack belief.  Not one person will escape the finality of the loss of your life.  The reality and bitter truth of such a thing will eventually greet you as an individual.  You will not have the support of anyone but yourself and your own belief structure to lean upon.  For it is in death and in the separation of yourself from your mortal form that you find the truth about the after-life.

I would believe in my limited knowledge of life itself, that a person would be more prone to investigate all avenues in regards to what will happen beyond your simplistic life on this Earth.  Rather I have found that people shut out what they wish to turn from, condemning it as heresy if brought up in conversation or concern.  And what people at large seemingly turn from in this country is all of the beliefs around the world that believe in reincarnation or as I would like to put it, "We all seem to go around again, somehow."  Because in any reality, altered or not, I feel as if I have been here before.

It is discouraging for those of us that would like to open our minds and our hearts to a different belief due to the horrid and rather severe neglect and abuse that we suffered as a child to be so readily shot down when the subject of difference to belief is broached.  Instead we are told disparaging and negative things about ourselves and our ideas.  In addition we are incapable of exploring new avenues with any of our own ready beliefs due to the fact that this one religion, one belief of only Heaven and Hell has seemingly swamped this country and its people.  Therefore we remain silent and without opinion in order to survive this tragic, yet very real life of disastrous proportion. 

After being tortured by your family that has spiritually and religiously abused your mind and soul, you would think that there would be a greater acceptance of you as a singular person.  You would lean towards believing that upon hearing your remarkable story, the christians would want to encourage you back into what it is they believe, as oppose to threaten you with the biblical wrath of your proposed sin towards god.  I never have seen anything other than threats of "Burning in Hell," as my end all for my disbelief towards what destroyed me as a youth in the city of San Francisco.  You would think that if the christian was so inclined to be absolutely revered that they would give support and be curious, not condemning, of your own personal revelations so that they may alter them in the end. Not so, as I am sure many can profess too.

As I stand today and testify to my own accounts in my life, I point the finger of blame at the parties responsible for ensuring my demise as a human being in my youth and as an adult.  In spite of the lack of belief in this regard, I know that one day soon their (My Family of Orgin) own testimony to the world at large in explanation of the things that I have written will be heard and frowned upon as sad and unnecessary to defend with such degree of malice.  The beatings and the manipulations will only continue to progress towards further negativity and the destruction of who may be in my physical place to take it in my sted.  Once a person has learned to feed off the tragedy of others they never break the habit.  It is an addiction that has no cure because it is difficult to identify.  Most layman would pass such behavior off as a person, "Being mean," or "Unkind" towards other people.  In the reality that you do not seem to live in, people of this caliber (FOO) get worse with age due to the very simple fact that they have never been caught or outed publicly by name.  Therefore evil perpetuates evil under the pretense of christianity in this case.

Looking towards a revolution amongst the people that believe in evil will be paramount in the actual identification of such monstrous human beings.  As long as you turn away from the adults that find the courage in themselves to speak of such abuse in their lives, then the problem will just continue to enhance itself, invading your life soon.  Thanking the latest AT&T commercial for the division in myself once again, I propose nothing but the deliverance of difficulty into all of your lives as the avid readers of others pain and agony.  This is not funny, nor is it a joke.  People watch this National Advertisement along with many children in this country.  By simple disregard for health and well-being this behavior is then replicated, introducing a callous and heinous way to treat young individual.  To put the "Golden Child" and the "Scapegoat Child" out there for all of us to see how it actually works on t.v. is a great accomplishment for the people who would like to breed more Narcissistic Energy in this already selfish country. I know that for me personally this commercial makes me know that there is nothing that I could say to shock or cause dismay on here or in public.  Here is an advertised Malignant Narcissist and her enabling husband, it is a "How to Video, create your own Scapegoat and Golden child in the privacy of your own home."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K0tYr5r9R8.

 

Causing division amongst the siblings for life; this is the goal of the parents that play such cruel and real games with their children.  The parents have now created the Narcissistic Energy they require to see them through all the way until their own demise or death.  Wow!!  I hope that you suffer at the hands of the Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath soon.  It is so much fun, I can't wait till your the grown boy from this commercial and face the world as I had too, with no support from whom is meant to love you, your parents and FOO. 

I have never expected my writings to go much beyond my expression of horror on this blog.  In the end I will be heard beyond the grave.  Maybe someday a human being will take the time from their own selfishness to read and understand what is written about the people that are bringing an end to compassion and love, just as my family is doing daily in San Francisco to my children.  For in the not to distant future because of ad's like this one, parents will only produce children that have been separated by their parents stupidity in their upbringing.  By depraved indifference the human race will end and find that extinction is  the final judgment of the behavior which it portrays towards one another.  Even in the wild, animals turn to another for the support and encouragement to live free.  In a collective they will run from captors as you see when the Discovery Channel films in Africa.  There is not  one animal that doesn't turn to run with the herds to save its life as men attempt to kill or trap them for study or Zoo's.  Sadly, as in this depraved and gross commercial, children have no place to run to safety for love and the very much needed compassion of a fellow human being after you are told that all you have is a remote.  You cannot tell me that this has not been played out across this country by the stupid people that believe it is so funny.  It is all in the privacy of the homes and being touted as a joke or the infamous, "I'm just playing with you."  This hurt does not leave your person as a child.  And I doubt there are any efforts to undo the sick joke being played amongst the ignorant and cruel adults today. 

FOO - Family of Origin

Intentions of the Wild

Illuminating my desire

through my love I am no liar

can you be what I require?

Does the Ocean wave hello?

Do you know when to go?

Have you been with what is low?

Clever making me alone

never do you show whats shown

can you stop before its blown?

I believe in freedom from

disaster, cruelty don't play dumb

leaving me to suck my thumb.

As I shake off what you have done

Standing up! not running from

watch out for what is about to come.

Voices shouting loud and clear

please get back away from here

it is dangerous, you're not dear.

Emails, letters, tweets I fear

tell a story, the horses rear

saddle up and ride for ............

RUN!!

Define Disappear??

The term "dissociation" arose from the understanding that "memories are brought to consciousness by way of association of ideas" (Braun, 1988). Dr. Bennett Braun describes dissociation as "the separation of an idea or thought process from the main stream of consciousness" (Braun, 1988). This mechanism is used to cope with trauma by "not knowing" about the traumatic event (Braun, 1988). Dissociation, according to Braun, fits on one extreme of a continuum of awareness "running from full awareness through suppression, denial, and repression, to neuropsychophysiologically mediated dissociation" (Adams, 1984). Similarly, "dissociative processes can occur on a continuum ranging from normal to psychopathological" (AGPA, 1993). Most healthy people unconsciously use dissociation to screen out "irrelevant stimuli," thus aiding their "integrative functioning" (AGPA, 1993). Dissociation "may be regarded as a coping mechanism" (Braun, 1988). At the pathological extreme, however, this defense becomes problematic because dissociated memories often surface in ways that interfere with a person's life but cannot be understood and processed so that healing can occur. Two of the most complex dissociative disorders are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), also known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).


Heinz Kohut describes "two kinds of splitting in the organization of self-experience: horizontal splitting (repression) and vertical splitting (disavowal) (Kohut, 1971). In repression something which would create unbearable conflict if conscious, is pushed into the unconscious. This creates a horizontal split in consciousness (imagine the levels of consciousness from top to bottom: conscious, preconscious, and unconscious). Conversely, dissociation is a vertical split of consciousness. As a result, one particular ego state, or altar-ego, can exist "in depth" with a conscious, preconscious, and unconscious component, separate from the other ego states or from the central ego (Sikes, 1998). Victims of trauma distance themselves "from the terror and pain of abuse by an extreme form of disavowal, rendering that which is unbearable into "not me" experience via vertical splitting" (AGPA, 1993). One explanation for this phenomenon is "neuropsychophysiologic (NPP) state-dependent learning (SDL)" (Braun, 1988). This theory proposes that material learned in one bio-chemical state is forgotten in another. Likewise, the material may be recalled if the original bio-chemical state reoccurs: "something that is learned in one NPP state is most expeditiously retrieved under the same NPP state" (Braun, 1988). Trauma can cause a hypnoid state in which one's entire body and brain chemistry changes. Experiences occurring in this state may be lost to a normal conscious state, but are stored in this NPP state with its own conscious, preconscious, and unconscious existence. The hypnoid state, besides acting as a defense from fully experiencing, also causes learning during these experiences to occur at a particularly profound level that is difficult to influence in the future. The sooner a person can receive help after a traumatic experience, the better.


People who have outside support to help them cope with trauma are less likely to experience dissociation. In fact, most well-supported adults and children can face extremely traumatic events without developing dissociative defenses (Sikes, 1998). Trauma victims need someone to help them see that life is still worth living, regain their self-esteem, and understand what happened. Trauma is defined by some existentially as "the loss of faith that there is order and continuity in life" (Adams, 1994). Trauma often results in a feeling of hopelessness, a feeling "that one's actions have no bearing on the outcome of one's life" (Adams, 1994). Children who were raped by an adult need someone to help them deal with their disappointment in the world, to understand why an adult would behave that way, and to keep them from blaming themselves: "the psychological disequilibrium that follows trauma [stems] from the shattering of the victim's fundamental assumptions that the world is essentially benevolent, that our lives and life events have meaning, and that we are essentially worthy and lovable" (Adams, 1994). Those who have support will probably be able to metabolize the painful experience. Unfortunately, without outside help, especially if traumatic events happen repeatedly, the trauma may be overwhelming and impossible for the victim to process: the "magnitude of exposure, prior trauma, and social support appear to be the three most significant predictors for developing chronic PTSD" (Van der Kolk, 1987).


Often people do not look for assistance or can find none, especially when painful events are inflicted by the parent(s). It is therefore difficult for them to recover self-esteem, correct distortions in perspective, or feel emotions that should be connected to the trauma. These people will most likely dissociate the memories and live with the effects or seek help later in life when it is more difficult to diagnose and treat. When these people present themselves for therapy, it takes time for many therapists to uncover the trauma behind whatever symptoms brought them there: "Depending on the severity of the abuse, the patient may have mild to moderate dissociative pathology hidden beneath the presenting problems of character pathology, loneliness, and difficulties in relationships" (Adams, 1994). Though recently psychologists are more aware of the possibility of dissociate disorders, "Survivors of childhood abuse often accumulate many different diagnoses before the underlying problem of a complex post-traumatic syndrome is recognized" (Adams, 1994).


Some people can dissociate more easily than others. Those that dissociate extremely easily may lose consciousness of surrounding events in response to minor anxiety. Dissociation can be a gift or ability in a living environment of constant negative experiences (Sikes, 1998). In fact, it is hypothesized that not only chemical differences, but the ability to dissociate, separates those who develop a dissociative disorder from those who are schizophrenic or psychotic, unable to protect their central egos from the information of painful life events. Dissociative people are able to separate disturbing events from everyday consciousness so they will not interfere with everyday functioning. However, the memories of these events, though hidden or separated into pieces, do not disappear. They often intrude into the people's lives in impairing ways:


Patients often experience repetitive intrusions of elements of the traumatic experience despite all efforts at denial and suppression; these repetitions may include recurrences in thought (e.g., nightmares, recurrent obsessive ideas) or emotions (e.g., panic attacks or weeping episodes with or without conscious awareness of association with the trauma), or behavioral reenactments of aspects of the trauma (e.g., compulsive verbalizations, recurrent expressions of the traumatic experience through gesture, movement, or artistic production). Adams, 1994


The way people later experience dissociated events partly depends on the way the memories are stored. Those traumatized during adult life, for instance, tend to capsulize a traumatic occurrence together so that if the memory is triggered, the entire memory or coherent parts are reexperienced. Children, conversely, often divide dissociated memories so that only one aspect of an event can be triggered at a time. This defense makes memories, when they surface, less overwhelming but also difficult to understand. Braun describes a model for this type of division of a traumatic memory called "The BASK Model of Dissociation" (Braun, 1988).


The acronym "BASK" stands for four components of consciousness: behavior, affect, sensation, and knowledge. "Behavior" is the physical action associated with an event. If a boy was huddled in a ball during a traumatic experience, he may find himself suddenly in this physical position as an adult without knowing why. "Affect" refers to the emotions one had in response to the event. An adult who felt terror during certain childhood experiences might feel extreme terror in particular situations that are not actually dangerous. "Sensation" refers to the physical sensations the victim felt during the traumatic experience. For example, a child forced to perform oral sex might feel gagging sensations and not understand why. Finally, "knowledge" occurs when the person is aware of the event but does not have any of the associated feelings, affects, or sensations--feeling as if the event happened to someone else. Therapy aims to unite these confusing pieces of experience into the cohesive memory (if the patient has enough ego strength, which will be discussed later) instead of unexplainable memory intrusions: "In this model, mental health is the congruence over time of the BASK components" (Braun, 1988). Either method of storing traumatic memories leads to the simultaneous knowing and not knowing of disturbing information. Clearly, any dissociative pattern has profound effects on a person. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder are two resulting psychological disorders.


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a traumatic experience or series of experiences never get integrated or processed. One way to decrease the likelihood of developing PTSD is to maintain a mental connection to the outside world during the traumatic event(s) (Sikes, 1998). A victim should therefore attempt to think about someone who values him/her during a traumatic experience. In PTSD, experiences are dissociated because the person is unable to integrate them. They therefore intrude into the person's life in more indirect ways and effect his or her ability to function. Dissociated material (like repressed material) acts in opposition to the pleasure principle in that it seems to press to get expressed in unpleasurable ways that can be both disturbing and confusing to the victim (Sikes, 1998). One way dissociated experiences surface is through a repetition compulsion. This compulsion is the need to repeat behavior compulsively to allow a memory to express itself through activity. One of Dr. Sikes's patients found himself constantly sleeping with other men, when he was not homosexual. The patient was confused by this compulsive activity until he began remembering forced sexual experiences with his father as a child, which he had been reenacting. A person suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may become jumpy and be easily startled. One's general feeling of safety is affected by a traumatic event in which something out of control or unexpected occurs.


A common symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, another way trauma invades the victim's life, is flashbacks. Flashbacks can be whole or partial. A person experiencing a whole flashback lives through a full-blown recurrence of the event. They typically feel as if the imagined situation is actually happening. Partial flashbacks are also felt as a present experience rather than a memory. During a partial flashback a person only recalls certain aspects of the memory (BASK), becoming suddenly enraged or experiencing a choking sensation (from the earlier example). In the case of this kind of flashback, the person has no explanation for his/her experiences and may feel like a lunatic (Sikes, 1998). Many try to justify their emotions, actions, or feelings by blaming them on someone they are interacting with or on any aspect of their situation at the time, though these are usually unrelated to the problem. While this may temporarily keep the person from feeling crazy because his/her experience is out of context, after repeated occurrences he/she may begin to admit that these reactions to particular situations are not appropriate. Therefore, the most common form of treatment involves helping patients with this form of flashbacks to realize they are having memories, not present experiences. This realization is often a relief and comfort to them, despite the difficult past that they must then face. One who has fits of terror, for instance, would finally take comfort in the knowledge that there is no real danger.


Hypnosis is a technique used to help patients recover dissociated memories and put the pieces of their experience(s) back together. When this technique is successful, a traumatic experience becomes a bad memory to work through, rather than a permanent disruptive dissociation. Because of the powerful effect of hypnosis in revealing people's repressed or dissociated past experience(s), in the past many therapists have taken advantage of this technique enthusiastically without considering whether a patient is ready to face the memories that may surface (Sikes, 1998). Because therapists allowed memories to surface too soon, when patients were not ready to properly handle them, outside on-lookers became skeptical of the truth in these "recovered" memories and said that people making these discoveries had "false-memory syndrome" (Sikes, 1998). "False Memory Syndrome" was of course blamed on the therapists. Now responsible therapists are more sensitive to judging the patient's ego strength before starting the flow of what could be an overwhelming number of traumatic memories, and are also careful not to make any suggestions while the patient is in a hypnotic state. Therapists also must not ask leading questions, even when the patients are not under hypnosis, because dissociative patients are highly suggestible and are often in a trance state even when the therapist has not induced one (Adams, 1998). Some of the kinds of "ego strengths" essential for processing dissociated experiences without enormously disrupting the patient's life are "the abilities to soothe oneself, reality-test, seek help, put things in perspective, and understand and accept one's human nature."


In addition to the usefulness of putting traumatic experiences back together consciously and understanding symptoms as stemming from memories and not present experience, patients also benefit from reliving their experiences, this time with outside support. As patients begin to remember traumatic events and therefore reexperience them, putting back together the behavior, affect, sensation, and knowledge, therapists must keep the patients simultaneously present. This technique allows patients to share the pain with another person that they know will understand and help them endure it: "because the core experiences of psychological trauma are disempowerment and disconnection from others, healing derives from the empowerment of the survivor and from the creation of new connections" (Adams, 1994). Without the connection to the present, the reexperiencing of the traumatic event is only retramatizing. The therapist strives to reframe (correct reality distortions) the event as and after the patient relives it. This process of "reliving, putting together the pieces of BASK, and reframing" is called an "abreaction" (Adams, 1998).


From a physiological perspective, "profound alterations in stress hormone secretion and memory processing" are found in people suffering from PTSD. Due to "ascending amine projections," soldiers with PTSD showed the physical symptoms of "flexor changes in posture, hyperkinesis, violently propulsive gait, tremor at rest, masklike faces, cogwheel rigidity, gastric distress, urinary incontinence, mutism, and a violent startle reflex" (Van der Kolk, 1987). Kolb first proposed that "excessive stimulation of the CNS at the time of the trauma may result in permanent neuronal changes that have a negative effect on learning, habituation, and stimulus discrimination" (Van der Kolk, 1987). Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains that traumatic memories are stored at the "implicit" memory level which changes a person's "biological stress response" to those memories (Van der Kolk, 1987). Because these memories are processed outside of the "hippocampally mediated memory system," they are difficult to "extinguish" (Van der Kolk, 1987). Implicit memories also are different from normal memories, called narrative, semantic, or declarative, in that they are not stored verbally. Because they are so physiologically overwhelming, they bypass verbal encoding and processing and are stored in the more primitive, "somatosensory or iconic," part of the brain as sensations, images, and feelings. These memories are stored as "emotional responses, skills and habits, and sensorimotor sensations related to experience" (Van der Kolk, 1987). "Speechless terror" can be used to describe a traumatic event in which the "emotional impact...interfere[d] with the capacity to capture the experience in words or symbols" (Van der Kolk, 1987). Conversely, declarative memories are formed by attaching to "existing mental schemata: once an event or a particular bit of information is integrated into existing mental schemes, it will no longer be accessible as a separate, immutable entity," contrasted with traumatic memories that dissociate and remain separate from the central ego (Van der Kolk, 1987). The two types of memory stimulate different parts of the brain, as observed on a PET scan. When implicit memory is recalled, instead of being evaluated rationally, the memories are more likely to stimulate a fight or flight reaction. People with PTSD have trouble over-riding their physical responses to memory-triggering stimuli because they have no verbal connection to the memories with which to mediate (Adams, 1998).


One hypothesized explanation for the repetition compulsion, the unconscious desire to elicit from others behavior similar to repeated treatment experienced as traumatic in the past, is that the endorphins released to ease the anguish of traumatic events can become physically addictive after repeated traumas (Sikes, 1998). Dr. van der Kolk reports that "Intense stress is accompanied by the release of endogenous, stress-responsive neurohormones, such as cortisol, epinephrine and norepinephrine (NE), vasopressin, oxytocin and endogenous opioids" (Van der Kolk, 1987). These give an organism necessary energy to deal with the stress. Norepinephrine also plays a major role in "memory consolidation" (Van der Kolk, 1987). Likewise, endogenous opioids cause a "relative blunting of the emotional response to the traumatic stimulus" (Van der Kolk, 1987). They also keep the victim from feeling physical pain while defending him/herself. "Serotonin reuptake blockers are effective pharmacological agents in the treatment of PTSD" (Van der Kolk, 1987). These drugs help the person more accurately assess the actual situation during a stress response. Tricyclic antidepressants and monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAO) also improve "intrusive (imipramine) or numbing (amitryptiline)" symptoms of PTSD patients. Fluoxetine is more effective for treating all the symptoms of PTSD and has faster results than the tricyclics.


Another treatment for PTSD, developed recently by Dr. Francine Shapiro, has shown promising research results. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) was used to treat war veterans who had suffered from PTSD for twenty-five years without successful help from other therapy. These vets had their symptoms "relieved" after only six sessions of talking about their memories while performing eye tracking (Shapiro, 1997). It seems emotional learning is enhanced if a person thinks about something, noticing his/her feelings and body sensations, while moving his/her eyes from left to right, crossing the midline (Shapiro, 1997). EMDR "assists survivors in the immediate aftermath of violent trauma by breaking through the walls of denial, shock, grief, and anger...allow[ing] for a rapid processing of even deeply rooted memories" (Shapiro, 1997). Because this technique began with eye tracking, it received the name "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing," but researchers are finding that the technique works for other bilateral stimulations, possibly any activity that brings attention from one hemisphere to the other (Sikes, 1998). The drawback of EMDR is that once dissociative barriers are lowered as the treatment begins, patients may receive more memories than they expected and not be able to treat them quickly enough to avoid great psychological pain during the times between each treatment session, until all of the traumatic experiences are reprocessed. So, as with other processing of dissociative memories in therapy, a certain level of ego strength is essential. No good theory for why this process is effective has been accepted. Some propose that people have an automatic ability to process trauma that can become blocked and that EMDR loosens this block. This process is similar to Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep which is thought to facilitate the processing of trauma in dreams (Sikes, 1998).


Another dissociative disorder, Disociative Identity Disorder (DID), is on the extreme end of the dissociative continuum. In this disorder, memories are divided more by altar-egos than into the categories in the BASK model (Sikes, 1998). As discussed before, state-specific learning can occur in a particular, hypnotic, NPP state at the time of trauma and cannot be remembered in another state. This is one explanation for the formation of different "altars" (well-developed personalities within one person that take turns "controlling" the body and have had only some of the experiences of the actual person). Dr. Kathleen Adams explains, "evolving states of consciousness become increasingly structuralized, beginning as conscious attempt at mastery and gradually becoming internalized into a fixed mental structures (altar personalities) that function with increasing independence" (Adams, 1994). Because similar experiences occur in the same physiological state (repeated rapes), they are linked together and an altar personality may develop. Therefore, one personality may conclude that rape only happens to Jane, another of his/her personalities that formed in the NPP state assumed during rape. According to Bennett Braun, DID is characterized by "The existence within the individual of two or more distinct personality states, each of which is dominant at a particular time; the personality state that is dominant has executive control over the individual's behavior; and each personality state is complex and integrated with its own unique behavior patterns and social relationships" (Braun, 1988).


Altars can also be based on restitutive fantasies that become altar-egos by dissociating because they too have too many painful affects to be tolerated. For example, the girl who is repeatedly raped may begin to imagine that she is an enormous wrestler that can beat up her rapist. Yet, to have this fantasy she is aware of her rape experiences and therefore may dissociate the wrestler into another altar. Dr. Sikes recalls one of her multiple personality patients admitting that her husband did not know he was sleeping with a man. The altar ego that appeared during her sexual encounters could be, for instance, like the wrestler. The extent of the abuse a person underwent correlates with the amount of fragmentation (number of different personalities) that the person may have (Sikes, 1998).


Some alter-egos do not know that other alters exist. When they are aware of each other, however, different alter-egos can, and often do, argue and compete. The alter that wants to stay up all night doing art may not understand or get along with the alter that will get up in the morning for his/her business job. One can imagine the turmoil a person with this disorder must experience. The organization of internal systems varies from person to person. What is universal is that the system (including all of the altars) is created to protect the person. A multiple may lie during treatment to cover up his/her internal fragmentation for extended periods. The alter-ego who originally presents him/herself for treatment is usually the least knowledgeable about the entire system. Treatment aims to slowly integrate these personalities into a single person again, conscious of his/her entire past. At first a therapist must facilitate the personalities working together (Sikes, 1998). Though this process may be extremely difficult, multiple personalities are far more concrete than other people and usually can be counted on to keep a clear agreement or promise (Adams, 1998). This may help the therapist slowly to work out agreements between the personalities that will keep them out of conflict.


A therapist must also help the patient discover and integrate memories and personalities at a rate he/she can handle. Often DID patients vacillate between not wanting to explore at all and wanting to know everything and get it over with in one session. Once memories begin to flow, more than the patient is ready to deal with could surface unless the therapist regulates the pace of discovery. Another challenge therapists face with this disorder is to keep an alter-ego present during the uncomfortable moments. Multiple personalities dissociate so easily that they can give control of the person to another alter-ego if the situation becomes unpleasant. The therapist must teach each alter-ego to stay present and deal with negative emotions and to be aware of when he/she is switching between personalities.


Dissociation can be an adaptive way to forget pain or not fully experience a traumatic event by entering a hypnoid state and by not remembering what is too hurtful to integrate. Though a person may not be able to handle the reality of the experience in its entirety at the time it occurs, and therefore benefit temporarily from dissociation, the memories will then appear in other forms and negatively effect his/her life. Severe trauma must be processed before the dissociative symptoms will subside. People with dissociative disorders should seek help from professionals where they can build up their "ego strength" and develop a trusting relationship with their therapists so that they can begin to face past traumatic experiences and metabolize them.

As per http://s99.middlebury.edu/PY204A/STUDENTS/That%20other%20group/dissociative_disorders.htm 

Twisted Words for you to See. I am sorry, not for thee.

The hurt I dump on top of you

is not mine but you must find.
I Stand up and off I run
back to face what you have done.

Here I come to say to you

that you were my mother, meant to protect
left me for people to abuse and neglect
never did you say, "I fret."

Let your conscience know I'm free

I'm your daughter, born of thee
I'm not afraid of you or me

'cause you have a date you soon must meet.

I hate you now, like I did then

loved no one 'cause that was sin
beat by your words, pointing to them
took me in to do it again.

All alone because of you

I'm ready to do what I must too
I will not let you get through
this life you live bids you due.

I felt the power of your abuse

severe neglect was my noose
your life, liberty or advancing age
I do this with the voice of rage.

I tried to love but hate won out

confused, locked up, let me tout
my revenge is all about
tomorrow, today is why I say.......

I won't stop until the plot

tells a story I heard a lot
winning all is what you sought

can you ever know your bought?

All of them that followed you

it's a sin I won't undo
close your eyes and know their blue

'cause you took, they wouldn't sue.

never putting things aside

you must win, you must abide
inside the minds of those that hide

so that you know that you are high.

Never will I stop to say

upside down and backwards play
love is hate and lies are true
now this noose is choking you.

You will never rule my own,
they will know confusion roams
through the words and actions of
you and yours expose this love.

Liars,liars in this its true

heartless attacks of what I do
in fear that I will show your hand

destroyed me when I wrote "God damn."

Rage and anger rule my days
recovery  I won't engage
my life is focused on this page
you will be the one enraged.

I hate you!  And to you, Mom,  this means Love.  This is what you always taught me. Love is hate and hate is love.  Why would you do this to your own flesh and blood? It has never made much sense to me and it has been impossible to explain to anyone,ever.  Until I found this on the web and there it was right in front of me. A dictionary that I agree with and finally it explains to the layman how confused a person like me might be as an adult.  Should that same layman take the time to read this link, then they will be able to understand you much better. It explains the cruelty that you delve out to your children, your Grandchildren and to unsuspecting strangers too.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

My youngest daughter Lauren and I, Love Shows!

We had lunch today at the Hard Knox Cafe in San Francisco.  We have not seen each other in over a year, it was great.  We had a great conversation and the restaurant staff were so wonderful to us.  I was fighting back a lot of tears and not once did they make me feel strange, uncomfortable or out of place.  My daughter frequents this place often so they knew her personally, which really added to their incredible personal touch.  They were so kind, compassionate and not at all intrusive. They made the environment so incredible so that my daughter and I could catch up on things in peace and quiet.

She is a wonderful girl and I feel so proud of her.  She wants to be a Cardiac Surgeon and already has a selection of colleges that she would like to apply.  She will be a Sophomore this year at Arthur A. Benjamin Health Professions High School in Sacramento.  What a wonderful day to have finally have had with my youngest daughter, Lauren Michelle.

These are the two photos they took of us this afternoon.

Thanks so much for all of your care today. You were so genuine to Lauren and I.  It has been so long since I have been treated with such tenderness and love. 

I'm not afraid!

"Not Afraid"

[Chorus:]
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just lettin you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]
Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take the sting out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'ma let you stop me from causin mayhem
When I say I'ma do somethin I do it,
I don't give a damn what you think,
I'm doin this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stoppin me
I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony
No if ands or buts, don't try to ask him why or how can he
From "Infinite" down to the last "Relapse" album
he's still shittin, whether he's on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he's got the urge
to pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your feelings, instead of gettin crowned you're gettin capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last "Relapse" CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't goin back to that now
All I'm tryin to say is get back, click-clack, blaow
Cause I ain't playin around
It's a game called circle and I don't know how, I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryin to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't, this fuckin black cloud
still follows, me around but it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doin jumpin jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'ma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'ma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
for you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don't even realize what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
my world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
and drop dead, no more beef flingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
to focus solely on handlin my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
and raise it, you couldn't lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar
I'd shoot for the moon but I'm too busy gazin at stars
I feel amazing and I'm

[Chorus]

Powering Towards An End

The opinion of some in this World is to move on from the kind of hurt and despair that I and others have experienced.  I was told recently that if I wanted to write about it that is fine as long as I do it in a fictional manner.  I was also told that I should move forward because my mother and my family will never change.  Saying,"Nobody denies the abuse that you went through Karen."

I have thought about the advice that I have been given in my life.  When I was in my twenties and people found out that I did not get along with my family because of their religious beliefs. I was told  that I should forgive them and get back together with my family.  I was told that there is nothing that a family could ever do to you that should be enough to separate you from them for life.

Hindsight being twenty/twenty I should have run like Hell and told my children that I had no family.  I wish that I had picked-up and taken off to another part of this world never returning to San Francisco or the United States but this is not the case.  I followed the advice of other people and have yet again put myself and my children in harms way.  I have had to spend the last few years processing the horrors so that I am not triggered into blackouts or more flashbacks.  This is after years and years of practiced repression or better said, I was very good at internalizing absolutely everything.   The problem that you run into when you do this to yourself is that you can never get angry about anything or all of the rage that is built up inside of you will slip out.  You can only hold all of this within yourself if you do not share what has really happened to you to cause you to internalize your pain and agony in the first place.

Although it would be easier to walk away yet again, I find that following the advice of the people this time  would be wrong for me to do.  I feel as if I have been bullied into things most of my life and I have walked away from so much because I do not want to make myself angry.  I am standing for the first time against the abusive nature of my family and against the abuse of the relationships that I have been involved in.  I feel as if I need to make a stand against the bullies in my life.  If I don't learn to stand up against them then I will continue to be bullied and I am sick and tired of not saying to anyone what is on my mind.

I am not sure why so many people feel as if this is wrong to do.  I guess it would be wrong for them but it is not wrong for me anymore.  My family destroyed my life so long ago because they feared I may talk and they may have to be responsible for child neglect and abuse.  In the end, (Many years later) I have spoken and I have found that there are no consequences for the abuse and neglect that I suffered.  It is not as if they are famous and anyone is interested in this story.  I am hoping that by knowing this fact that they will retreat and stop the attack on the life of my children and myself.

My family needs to realize that the purposeful destruction of my life to protect their reputations was in vain.  It was not necessary.  They should have allowed me to live a normal life and realized that whether I talked or not, it would be exactly as they said to me, "Nobody will believe you and there is nothing you will be able to do about it anyway."  They were right, so they should be celebrating not planning the next bad thing to bring more ruin upon my life. Here is the message I received on my Facebook page from my older sister today,

Today 8/6/2011

Report · 6:03pm

don't let mom use you anymore....its some kind of sacrifice thing....for some reason your necessary for her "last" sacrifice. she's finished with ed and me....we are just a process or some kind of catholic ritual....don't let her use your children. they love you and are going to come back to you. she has no power over them.

I was told this so many times growing up I became bored with there attempt to discredit me as a human being and my mother continually telling me I am the sacrificial lamb.  It is so strange that she is now writing it to me. Why don't they not take their own advice?  I don't understand why they continue this onslaught on my life if they know that I cannot do anything about what has gone down since I was a child.  Its almost as if I am their entertainment or something strange along those lines.

They would tell me that when I went out into the World that I would be used and tossed aside, leaving me alone. They were right.  In the end I want them to know that simple fact.  I want to know that that is exactly what has happened.  I hope they find some justice in knowing this truth about themselves and what they have said for so many years.

I am very happy that I have waited so long to speak about the abuse as a child and young adult.  I did not have to spend years upon years in this unhappiness publicly.  I was able to suffer silently and there was honor in that for me.  Speaking is the better decision for me today.  I find that I am becoming more liberated as a person. As I gain more strength and learn to follow my own intuition and not the advice of other people, I find that I can stand with independence and conviction against these bullies from my past.  I would rather be free in mind and body than to be bound by their lies, deceit and manipulations.  I stand for liberty, freedom and justice for all, regardless of the age of the crime.

It is wrong to have been seperated from my children the way that I have been.  My mother has told so many lies in the past, in fact on one occasion Kathleen had to run from the house because she could not take what was being said about her mother and uncle.  There is no good reason why my family of orgin and second ex-husband has alienated me from my two younger children other than to breed more narcissistic energy by introducing tragedy into their young lives.  In the end and as my children grow into adults with families of their own, the separation that we have experienced  may find ground to heal upon or we may find that healing can never be had in this affair.  Either way there is this incredible and long lasting ability we have to blog our stories on the internet where they eventually can be found by our offspring in this case.  In the instance that my children and I never recover what has been lost, today they can witness what we had as a family before we were ripped apart by all  the people who could not stand to see such happiness in our lives.  I hope they remember how much I cared and how much I loved them everyday of my life.  The End.

A Lighthouse Can Save Your Life In A Storm

I survive a life of disbelief. My mother was right when she told me at a very young age, no matter what happens or how much time passes, no one will ever believe you if you try to tell your side of the story.  My step-father would say that if I went to the authorities that I could not prove anything that he had done to me.   I have never gone to the authorities for any of what has happened to me.  Why bother to do anything with the law.  I was born into this nightmare, I would not know how to prove any of the abuse I suffered anyway.  

Cult leaders are real and very damaging to their offspring.  If we are not able to find justice in this world, than how do you find retribution? 

I can express myself and have been blessed with some intelligence that makes me capable to go day by day, slowly making my way through this madness.  Each passing day is getting me further through the nightmare that was created for me and that makes me that much closer to holding them accountable in a public venue just like this one. So I guess I am progressing regardless.

Never under estimate the fight that an adult child belonging to a malignant narcissistic person will put up.  Never tell them that they cannot do something to stop the abuse or expose the torture. Never walk into that persons life and say that you knew that they had had a terrible childhood and then turn your back and walk away.  Never tell them that you witnessed their step-father hitting you so hard that the welts on the two year olds arm made them cry and that that girl was you.   Never tell them that you were witness to the severe neglect that they suffered as a child and then do nothing to support their trying to come to terms with the abuse.  Never come back into that persons life just to say to them that you knew they had secrets as a teenager  and then continue to tell them that you knew back then that they were hiding something from everyone. Never tell them to just accept the fact that this has all happened and to get over it, its done, and you cannot change the past, grow-up.  Never talk behind their backs, gossiping about their lives.  Never steal their children from them, it is unkind to do to an already devastated human being. 


With this being said never go on with your life and believe that the person you have done this to, the person that is now the adult child of a monster, will ever let the wrongs you have committed against her or her children go unaddressed.  Never assume that since there is no fight against their family that one day there won't be a fight against you.  Never assume that after you use the adult child of a malignant narcissist for your own gain and for your own use of narcissistic energy, that the day won't come that they will not stand up and say enough is enough to you.  It is one thing to put up with so much from one's family, it is quite another to be the garbage can for other people that prey upon you.   Why would I allow those people in my life that have harmed me off the hook?


I will continue to speak out and tell the public that narcissists, malignant narcissists and enablers need to be exposed for who and what they are doing to innocent lives.   People like the ones that I have known will never stop their destructive ways and who knows you may be the next victim. 


In the end it begins to make sense to me why nobody that I knew helped me to come to terms with the severe neglect and abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  By helping me to expose my family for their abuse against me, these so called "Friends" would be exposing themselves as monsters too. It seems that until you can begin to identify the problem you attract more of the same in your life. So, not having any place to go to spend a little time healing right now in my life has proven to be very difficult but I am doing it anyway.  The push towards homelessness is selfishness on their part. My so called friends just do not want me to expose them  and put them into the same category as my mother and step-father.  If I was ever to find a stable environment then god knows what would happen, I might get well and hold them accountable for what they have stolen from me.  I might even become successful as an advocate against the narcissist, malignant narcissist and enabler still at large.  I would be able to put things together and write the book that exposes the lie that is the life they are leading as well. I may be able to recover all that I have lost.  I know that people of this low and bottomless character believe that because you cannot see the abuse they perpetrate daily on human lives, that they can get away with it due to its subtlety. I know that they giggle to themselves, touting how intelligent they are and how proud they are to cause such despair and strife with the person right in front of them.  They revel in the fact that they cannot be caught, this is arrogance on there part. 


Just imagine if you were afforded the time to put everything back together in you mind. You would be very apt to figure it all out naturally and eventually understand what happened in your own life.  The lives of these abusers would be naturally brought  into the light for others to see. This is there nightmare and for me this would be a dream come true.  To be able to expose all of the people that have harmed me or my children would be fantastic.  To expose them along with my mother would end up being a sort of strange and amazingly satisfying moment in my life.  To hold all of these people responsible for the wrongs that they have committed openly without regard to anything but their own gain would be the beginning of the end for me. Maybe I would be able to find the peace in my life that continues to elude me. Maybe this will be what reunites my children and me.


Who better to expose Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists and Enablers than the offspring of such monsters.  The author of the book  "People of the Lie," should know that he could study my family and have many of his unanswered questions answered.  Evil is up and running and I encourage any interested parties to study it. Just know that it never changes, it only evolves. They have become pathologically morbid over the past five years.  I do not doubt there words and neither should you discount what you may face should you choose to pursue this investigation into the study of what is truly evil, my family. I spend much of my time being aware of what they are capable of doing to me again. These are the words of my sister, communicating to me on Facebook this morning.

  "....mom really is an abuser, especially concerning you. stay away from her...i don't understand why any mother wished so much ill on her own children, but she does'."

"she has lied and i just don't know how papa let her continue for so long...or why."

"and by the way...of course i know what she did....and she wants to do it again."

A short study of my own life would prove very quickly that I know personally how this is all played out in the daily life of one of these monstrous human beings. Being knowledgeable is paramount when facing such destruction. My past confirms that I have had a lot of experience with these types of people.  This is very important and extremely crucial to the independent person that is going to take on such a task as exposing them to the public.  As soon as these very deceitful and rotten people know that you have turned on them, that is when you really begin to see the face of destruction and evil  itself. For they cannot stand to loose.  They must win at all costs.  Being wise to this fact should bring a reality into your life that will sober your ancestors in their graves as we speak.


Bringing to light this diabolical behavior that I have endured for so long seems to be empowering my life.  I will finally be able to see why I am the continual target of these narcissistic and malignant narcissistic people. I am hoping to stop the abuse from the family regime.  Who better to stand and preach against the wrongs of society putting up with these monsters, than the daughter and Granddaughter of ministers that has been in public service since her birth.   Naturally having a talent or propensity as a motivational speaker, identified by the very people whom she will confess, makes this even more interesting to witness.  Who better to push the envelope and regardless of the threats that come in their life will continue to write and to walk the path of justice, than the daughter of a malignant narcissistic cult leader.  Who would have more information and be able to undo what has been done to you, if brainwashing is what you suffer from, than the daughter of the brainwasher herself.  Who better to decipher the language spoken by narcissists and malignant narcissists alike, than the daughter that had to become so well-versed in what was not spoken or she would be beaten by the step-father beginning at age four. Who better to step up to the plate in life and swing away, than the scapegoat daughter of a malignant narcissistic cult leader from the sixties that is still up and running the con who is continuing to impose the lie on other peoples lives today.  Who better to stand and speak publicly than the mother of the children that were taken from her, given to a monster and left to be tortured by the torturer.  Who better can be the one who says to you, my children need help, they are in the fight of their lives and nobody will help me to help them to get away from these monsters today.  This active and diseased lifestyle that is lived by my mother and step-father will not heal on its own accord, it will only fester and destroy more.


 I hope that you never suffer at the hands of a Malignant Narcissistic person. As an F.Y.I. they will never stop the attack on the offspring or the person that stands for difference and change. However, thankfully I have the natural skills to defend myself. Nature has afforded me this small favor. 


We are not inept as the offspring of these monsters but rather have evolved in order to survive. We are the next generation, for better or for worse, nature has seen us through successfully.  Just as evolution evolves over millions of years, we have progressed naturally in one generation. Do not dismiss us and do not deny us without reminding yourself that we are the flesh and blood of monstrous creatures first.  Nature would not birth us to the very monster without preparing us to be the more intelligent and possibly deceitful of the two.  This makes much more sense to me, than thinking that we are incapable victims of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or step-parents.  We are just horribly hurt individuals that are under constant attack from the people that have raised us, they never stop the abuse, it just becomes worse. We can be wise in our actions before we too step forward with our own judgment of humanity.


So while my peers enjoy a day at the beach or a pleasant vacation, I spend my days working through the reality that only a flashback can deliver to you in full.  I am healing from the very real and abusive life that I have experienced.  Not so I can go to the beach or on a vacation, never acknowledging the horrors of my life and the damages that my family has now done to my children.  I am healing so that I can continue to move forward and move up the ladder of success to become the voice of the innocent to stop the abuse.  To expose to the public each and every  person that has perpetrated such heinous acts of destruction in my life.


I have been told we are only here for our own pleasure. If we are not here for any other reason than to pleasure our own selves with life, I then accept that gracefully, however I believe that people who think this thought are full of selfishness themselves and what kind of judgment would you pass on them if you knew their names?  I simply announce to whom may be interested, that the pleasure I get out of life is the free writing and the exposure of the person that is selfishly living the life of the lie.  I enjoy telling you that I am excited today because I am still alive and did not have to think about the people that have committed suicide over my mother.  I enjoy telling you that I am pleased that I have survived so much and I really enjoy the fact that I can share the snuff I experienced at a very young age that failed in its attempt to take my life.


 I had one person tell me that I wrote a piece of poetry that has stuck in his head and caused him nightmares.  He cannot get me off his mind. I write what comes to my mind so that I can work out the anger and rage that I have towards the people that have harmed me and my children thus far.  Why be silent anymore.  The reason for silence is to protect the lives of others, I have no one to protect anymore.  It is now an open book.  Destruction can go both ways in life.  Some would say that by writing the wrongs committed against me or my children I am being destructive and vengeful.  I don't feel this way, but I accept that opinion as fact.  For I feel that lack of remorse, lack of pity, lack of compassion is more destructive to the daughter of a malignant narcissist than any other action can ever be.  This is because it makes her mother right in the end. People are not worth your time, nor your care of their existence.  I would like to feel as if my mother was wrong.

Permission To Kill

Many things happened to me as a child, however being repeatedly smothered was one of the most disturbing events that ever took place in my life.  The other was having a bag put over my head to suffocate me, the other disturbing attempt on my life.  I survive for reasons that are unclear to me, but I do not believe it to just be happenstance.  My shrink Dr. Kilgore said something interesting, "Your brother had to have had permission to do and to continue to do what he did to you."  I thought it was a really good insight into this very sad matter.

I told my mother that my brother was hurting me at night very long ago as a small child.  She told me that I had a dirty mind and I was a whore.  I never said anymore but it continued to happen because she coddled my brother and took his side saying that he had done nothing wrong. 

He would sneak into my bedroom, do his dirty deed and slip away into the dark night.  Within a couple of days he would attack me and try to kill me by smothering me with one hand over my mouth and the other pinching my nose shut.  I tried to tell one more person while I was in the First or Second Grade. An announcement came over the loud speaker in the old school I was attending.  The message was simple, if you are having any trouble at home then come and tell the principle immediately, I did. It was the principle of Frank McCoppin Elementary School in San Francisco that I had spoken to.  She called my parents in to the school following our conversation.  Not very long after their arrival in her office I heard them laughing.  The Principle came out and said, " Oh honey, you are just having bad dreams about your brother, you're just fine."  When I returned home after school I was beaten severely for talking to anyone about what happened at home behind closed doors. I never tried to get any help  again.

After publishing yesterdays post on "What She Says vs What She Means," I wonder if anyone understands what it is like to survive in a family that speaks with such a forked tongue and has a double meaning for everything that is said to you.  Of coarse my brother was very young when this took place and if he was encouraged to hurt me and to even kill me I have more understanding and forgiveness towards him. Personally I also would like say that the literal penetration of your little sister with your penis must have been a learned behavior in my opinion.  

In the case of Sarah Meakin my younger sister saying to me just three years ago, "You should take a gun and blow your head off, it would be the best thing for the family," I feel once again that the encouragement to kill or wish for my demise is abnormal to say the least.  Sarah said this in the dining room of my mothers home with my mother and step-father Hugh Meakin present. I have no forgiveness for her in this matter, it is not excusable, nor understandable under any condition you may suffer in your life. She is in her late thirties and should know better than to say such damaging and suggestive messaging to another human being.

Both of us are the daughters a known brain-washer.  This being said by many of my mother's ex-congregant members and friends.  Saying such horrible things to your sister in the presence of who are meant to be your parents together and have been in the acting roll of this responsibility since I was three years old, is just reprehensible.  Sarah Meakin is a bully. Sarah  has no control over herself at all, saying whatever she wishes to say to whomever is in her way of what she wants in her life today.  On the night she said such horrible things to me, suggesting that I kill myself for the sake of the family, her father, my step-father had to physically restrain her from her attempt to beat me up physically.  My mother told me that she was weak minded and that I should forgive her for what she was doing. Of coarse no one said anything to temper or try to make amends for what had poured out of her mouth, they just seemed to once again passively approve the destructive behavior from one of my siblings towards me.  Her father, whom had run across the room to stop her advances on me, just held her in his arms saying, "It will be O.K., we will get through this" in a gentle whisper. I just stared at he and mother as yet again they did nothing to defend my life from impending attack from a sibling. Together they stand for the attacker and sooth them with words of compliance to seemingly encourage the aggression towards myself. The scene in my mothers dining room was indicative of the same scene in the master bedroom of 815 Balboa following me telling my mother that my brother was hurting me at night. Once again I watched in horror as the aggressor was comforted and I was left out in the cold to suffer with the reality of what I have had to survive for my entire life, the indifference and cruelty of the people who are meant to keep you safe . 

Sarah, you were wrong to say what you said to me, it was cruel and unkind. A few years ago you screamed on the phone that my brother never abused me.  I do not know how you ever heard anything about his abuse, I had never said anything to you about anything that happened to me, ever.  The fact that you were privy to such an event in my life is embarrassing and makes me feel naked in your sight.  I do not know why you were compelled to get onto the phone, yelling and screaming that I was a liar.  Even my brother has admitted that I was molested. Your knowledge of such disgrace in our family has proved to be one of the reasons that I have stepped forward in life to straighten this record out.  The lack of discretion and the further gossip that you have spread to so many people disgusts me. The family rules have been broken by your disregard to what I was taught and beaten into believing, "Duty first, Self second." As the tables begin to turn on your life and you begin to suffer the same, I pity you, you lack the grace to move through life successfully. You are no more than a puppet, having your strings pulled by the puppeteer in a show you believe yourself to be the star. Your lack of grace under pressure has been noted.  Never being able to break this hold on your life has been a sign of your weakness and identifies your lack of integrity. Your encouragement of  the delinquency of a minor condoning the use of drugs and alcohol is just another red flag showing that you would rather destroy a life than to take the time to save a life.  It just so happened that that life was my daughter Rebecca and that is again crossing the lines of what is acceptable to do as an adult.  Sadly you embrace your destructive behavior as you seem to perceive yourself as the Golden Child of the family. Those titles were given years ago to your predecessors. You are just an after thought and not included in the real game which we play with our mother. 

Did you know Nancy Pelosi  the Minority Leader of the United States House of Representatives and served as the 60th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives from 2007 to 2011? Did you know that  she was the first woman to hold the office and the highest-ranking female politician in American history?  Did you know Bill Graham was an American  impresario and rock concert promoter from the 1960s until his death?  Did you know the band known as The Jefferson Airplane who headlined the now-legendary "Human Be-In", the famous all-day 'happening' staged in Golden Gate Park?  Did you know Anton Levay who  was the founder of the Church of Satan as well as a writer, occultist, and musician. He was the author of The Satanic Bible and the founder of LaVeyan Satanism, a synthesized system of his understanding of human nature and the insights of philosophers who advocated materialism and individualism, for which he claimed no supernatural, metaphysical, or theistic inspiration?  Did you know Jim Jones  the founder and leader of the Peoples Temple, which is best known for the November 18, 1978 mass suicide of more than 900 Temple members in Jonestown, Guyana along with the killings of five other people at a nearby airstrip?  No you did not know any of these people in my mothers life before your appearance.  These people were in my mothers life and in mine.  Did you know that as per Tamara your big sister that Mom slept with Anton Levay while we were living on Hemway Terrace? What do you know? And why do you feel as if you can say to me, that I should  blow my head off for the good of the family, if you don't know the family motto then why were you imposing it upon me?  Duty before self is something that you know I was taught or you would not have imposed such a sentence upon my life with such blatant disregard for life itself.  You should feel the heat of shame upon your very being and your existence should challenge your own mind, not mine.

I know "The Rules of the Cruel," do you?