Look What I Found on PandaHi ~ Apple Bites

The Secret of the Universe is Choice!

Posting ID : B1010889653
Date Posted : 2012-11-12
Group : General Community

I have been telling my story on my Google Blog. I began the blog in 2008 and the full name is The Secret of the Universe is Choice! A malignant narcissist can make one. However, due to the fear of what my family told me they would do to me should I ever speak about what had happened I did not begin to really write on the blog until March of 2011. Since this date I have had an enormous amount of support, over 46,000 reads to date, which to many may not be a big deal, but to me it is overwhelming and I want to make sure I say thank you. I receive anonymous emails thanking me for writing, stating that it has touched their lives in a very personal way. It seems that many people have been hurt as children and I worry that abuse like that still is going on because nobody seems to talk about or expose the perpetrators. My abuse happened with the Church as their protector, it seems that you can do anything, to anyone if God approves. 

I would love to have you look at my Facebook Page and should you like it that would be even better. It seems there are so many people reading my blog but when it comes to putting yourself out there where your name may be seen, people stall. I don't really blame them, it took me years to tell my story because I was embarrassed and in truth had a problem with people knowing how severe the abuse really was. Due to the Suicide's of friends, members of the Church, this is what pushed me to speak. 

Gaining support for Severe P.T.S.D. is difficult, but I hope that I am able to support you should you just hear me say today, "I believe you."

Courtesy of: http://www.pandahi.com/1010889653.html 

~

It is funny what you run across that you may have forgotten that you have written.  A big thank you to PandaHi!! It is a fantastic reminder of myself, my thoughts and of the fact that everything is recorded somewhere.  I guess it is that big 'cloud' that I spoke of in yesterdays post.

The Posts On Google Are Apple Bites : A Square Life in a 'round Whole!!

Find your Voice....write on Google,

begin a blog and speak,

no one will listen as it is read,

remember silence is gold until you go platinum.

Lost your self in this World of...'oh well'

write a Google Blog,

tell your story,

google does not edit nor erase,

'the cloud' is a perfect dynamic to perfect what needs to be addressed.

Do you have P.T.S.D.?

Are you suffering Flashbacks?

Write until you have enough to read,

each post is the story that will be a road map back,

back to where you may ground yourself in the present,

not be swallowed by our past.

Even if you write the word 'bleep',

it is a start to begin this process,

not called healing,

called "GO."

The path to conquering P.T.S.D. is knowing that there is a road to be traveled,

it is up and down,

you go 'round and 'round,

stop yourself today and say,

I would like to build a granite road,

and I can because I am the rubble that the rock is made from.

Think of Cobblestone,

than a Quarry,

remind yourself of what is and remember what isn't.

Bring your hurt to the table,

ink in hand....write don't worry,

that is the one that tortured me,

or worry, worry, worry than blink.

Open your eyes and say....whatever you may,

let it flow with the keystrokes as your road,

hit spell check (I have often forgotten)

find a picture (if you want) it helps me in the connect,

hit publish....walk away.

Panic, worry, look,

if you are brave enough,

read-it,

if not let it ride and know that this is one story at a time,

one Post uninterrupted,

the only person that needs to make sense of it,

is You.

The map?.....Your very own Google Blog,

do it today!!

Court Of Iron Maid Paved

Sea clamp muscled waves,

the shores of sanded shells,

the frothing curtain crest,

tops the mist a floating stick lumbers.

Pebbled rolls of vacant calls,

the brine of salt not taste,

communication tumbles pixeled reels,

movie forms of speed four beats.

Mountain swept valley depth,

the creek does know the stream,

a guarded running theme,

a film of every thing.

The rush of what before its done,

the balance tries to need,

not past measure present dues,

the valance is the horror.

Checkered mates in complicate,

the game of moused in prequel,

a listened view of this days proof,

a photo with a negative set,

within the brain of kept.

Mechanics clocked a purposed walk,

robotic types response,

grand in vast of lakes in rips,

snapshots of pictured clicks.

Compliant life a mirror of tilt,

the cracking clam of stinging wipes,

quick-sand missing so fast in plans,

smothering plastic bags of crumb.

The garbage canned in puts,

the duvet holds my knees,

bended fold in half of self,

I hold to grip of keyed.

It Changed Me

The other day something said,
so random the words did roll,
off the tongue of whom should know,
know better than to just plain hurt.

The sting of what was done,
the pain brought on was berserk,
primal nature came to protect,
the downward spiral was at such a depth,
the pain was deathly.

Who would have thought that sharing fun,
would leave you feeling over-run,
the instant of was like a hammer,
driven deeply with words of slammer.

Up I got and off I went,
tried to recover this horrid thought,
I know I'm far from beautiful,
I understand I'm ugly,
I know that I'm a billion and a half pounds.

My older sister use to tell me to claim my obesity on my taxes,
my family told me that I was so ugly I should die,
I've heard these lovely things since birth,
why must people drive them in again and again.

Self-esteem what is that,
I thought it would be safe to help,
even though I know that my face is offensive to everyone,
the way I look seems to repulse,
and my body is so disgusting it makes them run.

I am aware that my past has left me beat up,
I know it shows,
but to repeat the same things from when I was young,
I'm stunned in how exact.

The smile ripped from me,
I was feeling good about getting back on my feet,
the pain has been tolerable although it gets bad,
but to be wiped-out for what,
for things I'm working on,
made me feel dead on the ground.

Primal wounds brought on by chance,
I wish to bury my head with my hands on my face,
so that no one will ever have to look at this disgrace,
reminding me that I'm so gross I should be erased.

The Wait So Placed

The belief that was needed,

never given.

The relief that was looked for,

never there.

Hiding became a way,

to survive.

Learning to be quiet,

silent stares.

Incredibly sensitive,

saved my life.

Taught myself to be wise,

forever patient.

Strength to stand and speak,

terrifying.

Things that come from nowhere,

always aware.

Living with all that has happened,

keep it simple.

Holding to fact,

important.

Breathing in, breathing out,

taking it slow.

Realizing nobody cares,

shocking.

Second thoughts,

none.

Left For Dead

Countless times did add-up,

people left me on display,

laying still on ground of done,

I just stared and said........ nothing.

There I was in simple sight,

left for dead without a hope,

offenders would walk off,

into the darkened path of long.

Each moment that I'd hold my breath,

easy self I can be bold,

do not fight or kick in plight,

roll your eyes in back,

show demise.

Fix your stare relax your bare,

let it go and empty body of any pull.

Relax, relax, relax, relax,

allow these monsters time to go,

oh no, don't panic the listened show,

still your self and look the sign.

Fear please drain from this lane,

here he comes to double-take done,

don't panic, don't panic, don't panic,

just release, don't move, don't move don't move,

he'll leave this sting.

He's leaving, he's leaving,

breathe with ease,

don't show chest moving,

slow, slowly, slower, slow.

Listen, listen, listen carefully,

the creek of the hinge,

the door will lend,

listen, listen, listen,

the handle turning so quietly,

the whisper of the footsteps on the floor,

he's coming.

Hold, hold, out with rolled,

again double-checking what has been,

don't panic, don't panic, don't move yet,

eyes have met don't move the set,

fixed, fixing, fix stare, don't ..

twitch, twitch, he's suspicious rare,

twitch...twitch, violent twitch,

life not fighting, natural response.

Fix eyes leaving open,

dead eyes fixed point over-head,

closer, closer here he comes,

don't move you fixed stare or you'll really be done.

Last check to make sure you're dead,

don't blow it, can't hold my breath longer,

don't panic, relax, he's turning his head,

don't move it's almost over,

the door, please door I hear you,

are you shutting?

Silently I heard it click.

Breathe, breath, breathe,

I'm not alright but I am still here,

sit slowly just in case,

is he hiding to see disgrace?

Stay still I feel his hot breath....

dont' panic he is still very close,

listen, listen, don't move, don't move...

KICKED air escapes my being and death still looks complete,

I'm not going to make it through this one,

don't panic he's not crying, angry, hot, he's walking not,

sitting... thinking.... wait... he's leaving,

gone.

Oh my god !!!!

Don't shake, don't shake,

he thinks I'm .....dead,

let it go, let it go, get up slow.

Breathing shallow,

wait,

one of these times ..

one of these times...

one of these times will be the last time,

either way at least I know I tried so hard to get away.

Do Not Be Afraid

Old injuries bite my life,

I get up and boom,

like an old friend,

out of nowhere and right to the heart of things.

Untangling strange happenings,

embrace and not running,

coming to terms with memories traffic,

one breath of reality,

a human condition,

trending.

Thank you to whom does care,

the warmth of knowing I'm not alone,

your words are priceless and heal my home.

Silent repair is not despair,

time of structure,

hindsight on review,

gives an insight to what I knew.

The Reflective Quality Is Priceless

The dance of life,

incredible!!

Cheers to memories,

amazing!!

Waltzing in eternity,

always!!

Classical symphony,

instrumentals!!

The eternal flame,

flickering!!

Don't Give Up!!

The power of a storm,

the knowledge to prepare,

the wisdom to be patient and not unaware,

relies on our ability to understand what so many will not attempt to even comprehend,

it could have happened to them.

The fact of the read,

this blog is a lead,

people can change things,

believing.

A reply to know answer,

the point of what's driven,

are decisions that have made differences,

so that lives can complete,

not continue to question,

the fact of repeat.

A task or a purpose,

the reference to such,

take a look at the World,

it is a good place to start.

A message to Humanity,

brought with a brush,

the strokes of the painting,

the poems only touch,

the lyrics to songs,

makes life in a picture,

umbrellas to touch.

Hello, Hello, Hello!!

What an incredible day!! I went on an incredible ride on Axl.  He is a nine year old Thoroughbred off the track.  He is available for re-homing if anyone is interested.  I took him out on a new trail and ended up making a few people smile along our way.  In fact one gentleman stopped his vehicle and wished to visit and ask a few questions.  Turns out that his last ride was on a Thoroughbred off the track too.  He told me how the horse had run away with him and he couldn't do anything to stop him.  We laughed and I told him that I hate that when that happens, but it does happen.

After introducing himself he invited me to continue my ride on the private road which we had come across.  He and his wife lived at the end and they did not mind me riding up there, it was very kind.  He also told me of a friend that had ridden in France for two years. He told me that he stopped to admire a horse and rider on the road, saying that he had not seen a horse there before.

Axl and I continued on down the road and soon we had to ride over to the side to let another car pass.  As the car passed I waved and kept going on the road he had told me about.  It was beautiful.  Tucked up in the redwoods, the road wound around different pieces of property.  As we started up the last hill there was the car that we had let pass.  Turned out to be this gentleman's wife. To make a long story shorter, turned out she too was admiring the view of a horse and rider on their road.  Big smiles, warm conversation, who could have asked for a better surprise.

As Axl and I turned around to head back to the barn, the birds were singing and the hills were full of life.  We rode back through the bamboo ranch and cantered up the hill to home.  It was a great day. 

Take A Leap Of Faith

To be an example of what is a forward march, I'm off to the Barn.  With my britches on and my boots in hand, I say to myself, "I will go on."  I will greet what is to come with the cheer of, life is weird and I am more than just here, I am alive and I will not live in the fear of the unknown.  I will embrace all that takes place and remember it's called, the Human Race.

I love to laugh, I love to smile and I love that I may have the opportunity to meet and shake your hand today.  I love to know that every day of my life has been a leap of faith, it keeps it real for me.  It makes life an adventure and not a sentence to be lived out.

The Optimist Is Todays Ray

I encourage each individual, every person that would like to go on.   Put down the immediate and stand strong.  Turn about and recognize, life is the breath that is not dead.  Look into the eyes of another and say "hi," be that mirror of no fear.  Encourage a smile to come around by just simply saying to yourself, "I am a human being that can change the most amazing thing....another persons day!!"

Paralysis

The paper breeze,

the muddy ink,

the sentence blinks with questions.

The length of time,

the passing second hand in life,

missing the touch?

Connections serve a numbered learn,

absurdly used,

the Minds have forgotten,

Societies dues.

Powering towards the change, what for?,

it will be important to remember,

conversations presented individuals,

the interaction brought choice,

looking someone in the eyes made you realize,

words are powerful but the human touch,

well.....that saves more lives.