As time seem to have abandoned me to the care of my older two siblings, I towed the line. I would avoid the basement if I could, it had been a good place to be during the parental episodes, but the disturbance of what had happened was showing. There always seemed to be so many people in the house these days. With my mother starting the church, there were new congregants with children, all which were older than me. I would stay to myself, I was not the friendly type due to the battles I had with my older brother, sister, father, mother and anyone else I happened to know. I did do well with complete strangers though, a bit odd and proved to bother them immensely.
There latest hooray for my brother and sister and the entertainment of their money making scheme left them having to join forces. They wanted to make money for themselves, just like my mother was trying to do at the same time. Anything was a plan, regardless of the damage that it created. So with the infinite wisdom that they had for ideas and my obvious brothers care along with my sisters delight of torturing me, they decided to sell me out to the neighborhood boys. This was a daunting task because they had to corral me down into the basement again. If I stayed upstairs and around the adults I could run away to my room and with them chasing me they would get yelled at for causing the embarrassment of unruly children to my mothers new friends and potential hits. What a con, everyone should grow-up in a house like mine. Because I was so small and I was cute, I could get away with walking into any room without being noticed by my parental authorities. They never paid any attention to the fact I even existed, let alone walked right in front them to see. I would walk straight up to a stranger, it had to be a man. At this point, I really hated women. I would climb right up into there lap and hold very still. It proved to be embarrassing for my mother but no one would say anything because it was supposedly so cute. As soon as I had reached a strangers lap for safety, I would look to see where my sibling were in reference to me. I had to make sure I was not close enough to any doors where they could say, "That's O.K. she is my sister, Ill take her." These were the standing orders for my repeated disobedience in the matter of sitting on strange men's laps. I didn't really ever care that this was what they were meant to do, I did what I wanted to do, supposedly I was to young to know that it was wrong to do. It is so stupid, like I couldn't here them when they would speak about me in front of me. I guess they thought I was incapable of understanding. It ended up being the safest place I ever took up residence. It is odd in a strange kind of manner, that even today I will look at men sitting around someplace and think to myself, "I want to go sit on his lap." Old habits die hard. I think at my age it might not be considered as cute as it once was back then. For those of you that do not know, I am 46 years old, lol.
At this point, or is it that point, in my life I think I spent more time on the outside of myself, than I did on the inside of myself. Almost as I if I was walking along side of myself with an invisible shadow of me. It was the more conscience me, the one that felt the pain more readily in my mind and not my body. I had stopped feeling the pain in my body as much as I once had but I believe this happened for the lack of being in it, so to speak. It is a little difficult to explain to you but if you can imagine every time a traumatic event was about to happen, abandoning yourself for a safer distance from the actual trauma that would be the best way to imagine it. I didn't want to be present for the assault anymore and this abandonment had started to become second nature to what was happening in my life. Up to this point that I am beginning to tell you of, I had stayed fairly close in proximity to the actual abuse. What I mean to say is I stayed in the same room up to now. But I began to get further and further from myself, that being my real body. I started to back further away, leaving me more in the corners of the room up closer to the ceilings.
At first I would worry about jumping back into myself. I thought that I had to be quick about it because I had had such an issue trying to breath. But as time passed and the abuse or the assaults changed in there make-up I found I was not having a breathing issue. I would wait and eventually decided that it didn't matter anymore if I forgot to go home (jump back in my body.) I had decided that I would catch up to myself when I fell asleep at night. That just naturally I would get tired and close my eyes and I would join up again with my lost self. It worked well in fact, as strange as that seems to be. By the time morning came I was always back together in a whole form of Me! Yea! I thought it was great. The shock of being thrown all around, being stripped of your underwear and then consequently the fucking that always seemed to come next didn't bother me as much. It all became something that I couldn't touch or feel as much and in essence neither could whomever was doing it to me, so I thought. I wrote this poem and it explains that I did this to myself but as the years rolled by and I began to age, I began to abandon myself for longer and longer periods of time. I don't have a total recollection of things when I am not together with myself. That actually just seems to be happening now, for reasons I can't really understand other than its time to put me all back together again. Reminding of Humpty Dumty. My memory tends to linger on the journeys that I made in other dimensions of time and space. I guess you would say that I learned to do this in my mind, but I beg to differ with you at this time and as my story will tell, it will leave you wondering about what your thinking that I did right now. But I think this is a good place to have you read my poem. It is kind of sad, not that my story isn't sad, but as reality begins to sink into your mind, the sadness may grow into despair. So just prepare yourself for the worse and you'll be fine.