Wednesday, June 8, 2011

"What a Friend, Nothing Stops the Unstoppable"

Dear Past,
Confront Me!
Destroy my present Life.
Leave me quietly at day light,
return to remind me at sundown.

Don't bother others with questions.
Keep it real with flashbacks.
Exhaust me from sleepless nights.
Make my dreams, Nightmares.

Do you miss me when I forget you?
Are you lonely with just the old friends you have?
Is your pain to singular when I am gone?
Don't you love the silence?

Bring it all.
Don't leave one memory behind.
Invite comments and judgments from past offenders,
to be the audio, to the video that runs in my head.
Tell immediate family to dump it all on me.
Isn't that the job?
You told me so.
Forgetting nothing is important.
Making the flashback live it is so useful.
It irons it all out so well, so vividly for me.

Do I call the men I see?
How about the women?
Are the orgy's still in your repertoire?
Just curious how much further we must go down the lane before we say Adios,
to the other.

I know the ugliness you must have to live with,
when will you give it up?
I mean, really, get real past,
I'm tired, your tired,
you are a worn out record.

Oh, I am so sorry.
I had no idea.
Keep me close,
I will speak on your behalf,
yes, until the end.  I swear.

Love Always,
The friend you will never need,


Cum Hence, Fear Not

Slick back your hair!
With the cum you never leave there.
Hide evidence in plain site.
Place a lamp by me tonight?

I am WHat? Dirty at Night?
Who? Keep quiet. Why?
I have a filthy mind?
Where? Don't defend?

I make-up all What?
Why bother to call,
parental care is never there.
Obvious guilt is entirely me.

Oh wait, how can that be?
Did you not collect money for me?
I hid under my bed.
You removed it from my room.

Left a mattress on the ground.
The closet still looks good to me.
I still hide with no liberty.
Is that guilt or innocence to thee?

Why bother to answer at all?
You never did, you should fall.
Will it bother me to write,
the wrongs that I survive?

Leaving me in parking lots,
just to see reactions.
How old was I when I did not cry?
Stood still, in shock!
Stifled, I rot.

No recovery is made from sin.
Did you kill the kittens again?
My fault, I see, I gave them milk,
instead of the food you never bought.

The fountain at eight fifteen?
Do you think it stands?
and remembers me?
One more photo, yea, it's me.

Answered with privileged nod.
You are mistaken.
I never beat,
the dog, the cat, or the kid.
I am British, it's not my breeding.
I am lost in scandal.

Words driven from two years past.
Silenced by the suffocation.
Present in location.
Mindful of my own vulnerabilities,
don't speak until you can say,

"I have had sufficiency."

Taught by privileged man.
Age Three.

Why Bother The Dead?

The choice to speak will not be me.
I cry and silence myself.
Fear inhabits my gut.
I shake with the sickness of remembrance.

No matter what!!
It won't shut-up.
I can't make new friends.
I don't want to explain my hiccup.

Oh Dear Friend,
Do you agree?
The Golden Rule of Silence,
speaks louder than me.
Body ill, mind weak, heart GONE!!

Get OuT! You return.
I Shout! You record.
I Spit! You leave.
Do you remember me now?

Worry not, complicate this.
If you hold ground like me,
it means, I have found.
Just wait one more minute and you'll see,
I was a baby whore at three.

From the dark depths of Hell.
Love Always,
A bell,
that tolls for you.

The expense is high at this time.
To pay for damages of mine.
Don't go to far!
Please don't die!
I want so much to meet your family.

No. You cannot go.
To late for all of you.
Memories will hold true.
As your friends from long past,
continue to just spill trash.

As death nears your soul,
confidence wanes.
I fear they have rolled on you.

Worry not yourself,
I don't tell anyone everything.
I speak not at all,
but I will write until I fall.

That has been when, not why, I'll tell it ALL.
Oop's!! Is that the same?
As telling everyone your name?
Don't fret.
Your epitaph will read the same as always to me.


Don't Ask, Don't Tell

How young do you need?
Before you heed?
Stop yourself,
and take a knee?

Memories are not all mine.
Advertise and I find,
Men of old, Men of time.
Are you disgraced?
Or are you fine?

My mind goes where you have been.
Don't tell me that you are thin.
I don't care you are old.
I remember your dick,
it did not unfold.

All the moments of why I'm sold.
I listen to the ghosts,
echoing the voice of yours.
I had no choice.

Did you accidentally come across?
What is not an actual loss?
Is it not better to scream?
Maybe we both can find...

I was a child of no noise.
You were men with money to pay.
Photographs complicate denial.
Don't you wish you knew for sure?
I do, don't ask, don't tell.

Remember that?

In the past few years people have made it impossible to meet them face to face.

Today I came to an enlightenment about how people from my past are treating me.  They all keep me at a distance.  All communication, if any, is on the phone or via email.  I thought to myself, Why do they still contact me but never have time to see me.  I have tried to visit on several different occasions in the past five to six years and they always have company, the house is being cleaned, the pool is in trouble or any number of other excuses.  In the case of my mother and step-father, they put a restraining order on me two years ago.  My mother continues to break it of course.  As far as the other people I know they have just given me the cold shoulder, I call or email and I never hear anything back.

At first I never thought to much about it, but the other day it struck me really hard.  First off it has been a solid three years since I have heard from most of the people I know.  The rest of the people that I do know will only contact me by phone.  The last time that I went to pick something up at a friends house, they left it outside for me to pick up.  I thought that it was a little unusual but then again the entire thing was just different than the norm.  I did try calling several times and she never answered or returned my call, it has been two years now.

Here is my insight.  If you keep someone at arms length and they never have an opportunity to speak to you face to face, then you can say anything that you want to them without them ever seeing your face or eyes.  You can lie, antagonize, drop innuendos, be cruel, take a tone, never get to the point and mostly you can do all of this under the protection of the person you are speaking to never seeing you express your true feelings via face to face contact.  I mean how do you get to the truth about anything?  You never confront people on the phone, or at least I have not done to much of it.  I usually have a conversation with somebody and something will come to mind and I ask them about it.  The look on their face usually gives away how they are feeling about the subject matter you are speaking of.  I know this is a very important observation to make during any given conversation in life.   Nobody wants to make another person uncomfortable while having a conversation.  I have not seen anyone that I have known that would have the answers that I need to find out why I am getting the cold shoulder.  I have not seen my oldest daughter, nor have I heard from her in three years.  Ever since she graduated from Berkeley. She did not invite me and I don't even know why.  My feelings were terribly hurt over this one but I never called to ask her anything about it.  In fact I wrote her a couple of emails about it but never did try to call or see her, I just don't know what to say to such a person.  I worked very hard for a very long time so that she could go to the school of her dreams.  To not even invite me to the functions on the University or Graduation was more than an insult to me.  it was a slap in the face for even existing.  Obviously she does not want me as a parent which is fine with me, all she had to do was take me out to lunch or dinner and tell me like a civilized human being would do, face to face, I can respect that one.  My mother is a cult leader and very successful malignant narcissist so I understand just about anything anyone would like to tell me about knowing me.  With a mother like the one I have you never have to many quite moments in your life if you are a friend or child of mine.  You understand that since the restraining order she had had my youngest daughter living at her house and now my son lives and attends boarding school in San Friends out of her house.  Since the restraining order includes any contact I cannot and have not been able to contact my younger children at all in the past few years. So basically, my daughter could have, in theory taken me out and  have done this with dignity and grace.  You can only do something that impacts another persons life if you do it in person to explain your reasoning for your actions and then the person (I happen to be her mother) has an opportunity or not to change so that they may be able to stay in your life. To just cut someone off by not answering or by absolutely no communication it leaves you or me in this case, wondering what she is so guilty of that she cannot even call or write to tell me why she no longer wants to speak to me or have her in her life at all.

I would think that all of this would be an isolated case, but my father (supposedly anyway) my siblings, my mother, my step-father and friends that I used to have, just will not have any personal contact with  me.  I spoke to an old friend that my daughter had been living with during her schooling at the University of Berkeley.  This person was helpful and it was a delight to speak to her after so many years had passed.  I was invited to call her back and have dinner.  I did do this within two or three days of the invite, I left a message and never heard anything.   So, I called the next time I was in town and the number was disconnected.  I emailed and I got no response.  Now this is the person that was my friend and is an adult older than I.  She does have my daughter in her life and did go to her graduation.  I have not spoken to her since but felt that some three years had passed and that our friendship meant more than the spoiled brat behavior that my daughter seems to be portraying at the moment, so I called.  But, why change the number?  Why not respond to the email that I sent?  Why be so delightful and then turn a cold shoulder to and be so rude as to just dissconnect your phone number?

I believe that it is the same reason why everyone is happy to have my number (I no longer have a phone) and call but nobody wants to carry through and meet.  I mean, Hell, when you meet the person that is causing you to feel guilt, you may turn a funny color and want to puke.  This may give this stupid girl (me) an idea that she is being had.  As far as my immediate family goes (not my children) they don't want to meet at all.  I mean just imagine, "Hi, how are you? I have been doing some thinking and have some questions about my childhood?"  The entire room begins to puke and proceed to pass out after my question.  The End for now, this is all causing me to feel ill as well, especially if I find out I am correct.

This all occurred to me because this cold shoulder  and isolation treatment is not new to me.  It is a repeat performance from the age of four or so.  That is why it has been making me so sick to my stomach.  It is one thing to not speak to a person for a reason, but to not have any contact with them because you need them to stay off balance in life so they never confront you or never become settled with the past makes it all very different.  In fact, it makes vengence seem sweet, especially when you were willing to just drop it all because of the embarrassment from when you were small.