Wednesday, April 20, 2011

April 29th is my birthday...

Why is the wedding of the year taking place on a Friday.  It is my birthday and I never have shared well, but, I must testify, I am bitter.  As childish as this may sound I must ask why on earth would the Royal Couple get married on a Friday.  Why not a nice Saturday Affair or a Sunday Religious mass, that would be much more to the design of the Royal Crown.  I have been brewing about this for days and now I must not be the bigger person but the lesser one and whine.  A real kid at heart, for I remember at the age of four or so looking at the people surrounding my day, I said, to myself of course, "I will never grow-up".  I never wanted to be like what I was watching, a bunch of adults that forgot the child-like innocence you most obviously are born with.  As the day progressed and my determination never to change continued I only buried the hurt of the matter.  However, in the truth of the worlds understanding of the mental status of another human being and the regression of one whom would openly testify to the fact I never bothered to grow-up, why would I regress, I throw an open fit.  In front of all of you, I may only be four years old at heart, but, I still put my foot down in this matter.  It is my day and I think that April 29th should be saved for me and you should re-schedule, LOL!!  I'm annoyed, yet I will deal, its not like I have a choice.  I guess I will consider it a good omen instead.

What Is My Book About, It Is....

An Independent Mind, Knot Logic

by Karen Anastasia Placek

The Mystery of a psychological, physical, sexual, mental and manipulative abuse.  A narcissistic view of a child.  A miracle of Life Itself.  I exist, I 'm alive, I'm a Human Being, I try, therefore I am!!


I have no formal education.  I was removed from school never graduating.  I write to relieve the pressure/pain of "thought" off my mind.  I am streaming my consciousness.  This is a comfortable way to get the things that are on it, off it.

This may better explain it is a rambling of mine.

Nothing Said

The rolling tape in my brain dead head,
shows pictures of all, they just aren't dead,
in spirit or mind or soulful dread,
pictures showing with nothing said.

I began writing a few things down on paper in 1999.  It was not until 2009 I wrote all of this poetry.  I am not a poet by any means, it is just how all the pain chose to come out of me at the time.  I never read what I write, it scares me.  I do however try to date it.  This is so I will eventually be able to develop a time-line for myself.  Stupid I guess, but, it is true.  I finally found the password to the blog I began in 2008.  I have a need to go public so I am in the process of catching up with what I have already expressed.

I have had a heavy heart most of my life.  I am here........

Just A Thought Or Expression

Strength lies in our desire to know what we are made of.  
Am I strong willed? 
Do I have a strong mind?  
Do I even know real strength?

You grace me with the beauty of your mind.
Your gentle touch embraces me.
You are the enhancement of my Soul.
You are my Rock-n-Roll!!

Your love pours like a fountain.
You fill me,
you are a mountain,
of precious gifts,
and glorious words.

You speak with the voice of an Angel.
All of this and you do not dangle.

Karen A. Placek

A Call

Sometimes when I call,
you make me feel small.
It is as if I bother you,
and you can't bother too!

I wish you'd said I am........
I wish you'd said I'm not........
I wish you'd said goodbye........
I wish you weren't a guy.

A man of massive grace,
of this I see no waste.
So why can't you say,
I'm not in the mood today.

Your words could be like this,
with like and no exist.
You tear me up inside,
and all I did is cry.

Just say that your not well,
Just say that I must smell,
Just don't call or tell,
you make me want to yell.

I love you deep inside,
I try and then I hide,
I want to change my way,
but I don't how to fly,
that's why I say Goodbye.

Help me find a way,
to not feel down for the day.
You mean so much today,
I don't know how to weight.

The knot inside my mind,
I write and do not time,
the space between our call,
you do not know I ball.

The information I release,
is not for you to tease,
I do not need to please,
I just need this release.

To make a call at ease.

Karen A. Placek


Belief is a structure,
a construction zone of Love.
Foundation of a Dove,
with wings from above,
that fits like a glove.

Settles your heart,
calms your soul,
and comforts your body
when you are Old.

The power of belief,
inside brings relief,
it is not always neat,
to find you were beat.

Believe in what you need,
make room for what you want.
This may not be haunting,
be careful though
it may cost you
and may only be daunting.

Karen A. Placek


Crowning beauty with mystery,
the desire for attraction is with me.
Spiritual romance,

The peace I see,
bewilderment releases.
The stranger,
I need.

Deep rooted!
A cherished seed!
is the reign I grow.

A Princess is what I "No"!
My knows are often very slow.
is a love that flows.

Anastasia may be in this show!
Divine guidance enlivens my soul,
and creates my glow.

Serenity breaks,
becoming what I sow.
Internally; Universally:

Karen A. Placek


Sponge and clean the body soul,
dream of what will make you whole.
Love and dare to be natures friend,
sun shines into all my needs.

Graceful greatness it's so full.
Stars twinkle, elemental store,
rivers run with Glacier flow.
Oceans here are blue in sewn.

Lakes are masters of this own,
cities bye, they do make tombs.
Human Beings a natural try,
Man in the Moon did say Goodbye.

Earth of beauty, Earth recedes.
Watch out extinctions on its knees.
Pleading desperately, no extremes.
Heavens hotter than Hell it seems.

Take a mop and know your sweat.
The Earth is melting, so make it quick.
Shun the ones who look aside.
Find the wealth of truth in hide.

Karen A. Placek

Twin Soul

Darkness is not the Dark Lords desire.
Enlightenment come into me like a fire.
I am Fired with total absolute mire,
to find the one which I require.

He walks this Earth, he wares his attire.
He sings the words, I heard he sired.
Incredible Wealth is what? I tire.
Rest his voice and I find a buyer.

I miss this Twin Soul, He is finely wired.
Ancient tone in song and verse.
The words capture, my soul is halved.
He holds the Heart of my bodily staff.
The strength, the bounds, I will be found.

The World cries so loud to hear my nouns.
Sentence, Prose, Stanzas flow,
this Man and Me cannot not Be.
My words of health are releasing Me.

Hold well, Hold tender, my Souls a mender.
See us, see trust, my spirit will thrust.
He and I will soon be, BUST!!
We meet our needs, we find our must.

I love you Dear, My Twin Soul I fear.

Karen A. Placek


Razor sharp, Dull with pain, open my heart?
Do not reframe! Find my name, Resting.....
Upon this place, Soul of ours is shapely.
Etched upon, by design, License please
Construction Zone.
Inflammatory Red Response
Can you see? I'm not a Sconce!
Lights turn on and sometimes blow.
Can you See? It might be snow.
Take it slow, compassion plans.
Every day and Every man.
Yellow signs, Yielding Lanes.
Stop signs block, Door Bells Ring.
Homes our Mansions, Castle smight.
Knights become my armor, Delight tonight.
Jousting, Styling, Sword the ware.
Protected lines of heritages lair.
Doth the hand raise in Flair.
A fight for Life, A war for strife.
Trampling Hooves, Horses Flee.
Misery bounds upon these grounds.
Win or Loose its not to be.
Lessoned, Learned, whilst you loose me!!

Karen A. Placek

The End

In the end it will be the one's who choose to make a choice that will stand.  Freedom of Religion is second to Freedom of Choice.  For when running backwards you collect an unusual view of that which has been taken from you.  For I was left abandoned after I had been stolen.  Looted by the ones who could not see that what they could not have was not theirs to take anyway.

A puzzle, such as this is for me, to put back together such a life of misery and pain is being able to recognize that the pieces of the puzzle that have been broken apart.  The puzzle makes up the picture of the entire piece in whole.  This means that the photo has already been taken. So no matter how puzzled out I may be, I can rely on the fact that there is a picture of me that has not been torn to shreds or puzzled out so to speak. I hope you follow my meaning a bit abstract or rather obtuse I suppose.

Will you stand or will you fall.  The choice is yours not theirs to make.  That is why choice is free and has no cost at all, yet retains the largest cost.  Wrong or right or lack of sight, choice carries the next might.  Not darkness, not night, not even fright can offer such a demand on your life.  Just plainly speaking, it is the simple complexity of life that introduces the impossible as more than possible, it's probability.  

The Life Of A Twin Flame

The life that was,
is no more,
but will be again!

We have been before,
we have been then,
been in between,
been now!

And we will be again!!

We were made for each other,
not one before the other,
we are unique.

We are Human,
first, last, only!!

We are a dream & 
we are Here!!

Karen A. Placek

Magnitude And Measure

Life brings Death,
death brings life.

A perfect circle.

Just like the Sun and the Moon,
neither cheats the other,
for one is nothing without the other.

Fighting to be born,
looking to die, Why?

Can't we just be?
and laugh?

Allow what will come,
to be,
a path to be!!

do not choose apathy.

In the beginning I wanted to believe that fate would not be put to the test.  I believed that the heavens above would remind us all and warm our hearts.  I wanted to believe that we could choose left from right.  I wanted to believe that all roads would lead to spiritual knowledge, but, I understand now that all roads and the destination points are chosen by each individual.  Each of us are capable of truly understanding the freedom of choice and therefore we must accept that every action will have an equal and opposite reaction.  The epitome of a double edged sword.  Therefore, the instinct for our own self-preservation is the driving force behind our self-annihilation.

A World of Motion, backwards, upside down, spinning all around.  My head is inside out and all that will come out is this message directed at all of you.  I am compelled to tell a story, one that begins and ends the mass confusion that surrounds all of us. I have tried to silence the voice that speaks, but, it cannot be denied.  For the voice that speaks is me!!  I charge my words with what I know, from what I knew and from what I see.  No voice speaks to me to tell you these things.  This message I bring to you is from my heart and from my soul.  It is straight to you from me.

Blind and Dumb I suppose

Blind and Dumb, that is what everyone see's of me.
Am I ?
or is it just what I was created to be.

My eyes are open,
yet, I cannot see what they say is there.

My ears unclogged!
yet, I cannot hear what they say is calling.

Am I blind or just born into darkness,
looking for the light.

Am I deaf or just born into silence,
looking for a note.

Am I these things or is it my senses guarding and protecting me from the world and what it has become.

No music, no symphony, no glorious
voices singing to me.

No light, no magic, no curtain to be lifted,
no uplifting melody.

What has happened?
What have you done to the earth which had begun?

Blind and Deaf is what I have become,
is it just my senses protecting me from the world
and what it has done.

Karen A. Placek

The Begin

We did not ask to be Born,
we accepted our duty.

We did not ask to be Abused,
we received it.

We did not ask to be Hurt,
we were tortured.

We did not ask for this Life,
we were granted it.

We were at one time Three,
we are now two.

I walk for my best friend. A journey of Love, Forgiveness and Understanding to seek out Spiritual Leaders in this World.  I wish to ask forgiveness of my friend who took his life and according to all beliefs is now suffering in a Deathless existence.  Whether its purgatory, hell or 7000 years of atonement, I am walking a spiritual path in this life to find forgiveness in myself so that when my natural passing takes place I may search the underworld for him;  in order for me to stay by his side throughout his pain. 

A simple promise made to not forget one another, to not leave the other behind, a measure completed between friends in a nightmare.  This is my fulfillment for all the unsaid words in our lives.  As brief as our time may be with a person, our ownership is still within ourselves to decide our fate.  I am embarking on a journey of life for all the children that have been and are being abused, raped and molested daily in this World.  I believe all of you that speak of such private matters without you having to vocalize a word. I see the pain in your face, the pain in your life and I do not agree with the sanctions of this world.  I will walk for you until I meet the Men of this World that can grant peace and forgiveness to the gentle souls that still scream. 

As much as I want to continue to do this for him or for all of you, I must remember myself too.  I must understand I do this for myself with my own hand.  I must release the promises to others to allow the powers to be to allow each of you, including me, the ability to find our own peace.  I can however walk for my own healing and I can walk in the memory of the passing of innocent souls that came from troubled circumstances.  This can be a peace that may settle within my own soul, I made it!  I have a Voice and I can Speak to Eternity.

To my Father,

I do not know you, I wish I did. I ask you to bless this girl.  I pray you to place your hand, your breath, your warmth and love over each of my children.

Rain will wash away and cleanse us of all our disappointments and wrong doings to one another!  Let it rain, make room for the sunshine that will warm us and let us grow.

Life is beautiful for all of Us!!  That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger.  Strength is all around Us. Each of my children holds a key inside of them.  A key to open any door they wish to explore.  I know this because I have placed in each of them a safe place for peace and satisfaction.  A non-judgmental spot for me and them.  They sparkle in their eyes and spark in their souls.  They will take destiny and change it to what they desire.  If I could wish anything for my children, I wish for them happiness and never to experience loneliness.
Love always, life is a long track.

The "Big Bang" created Me

Delivered into the mouth of an ancient Dragon.
This is what I know to be, this is "ME",
always was and always will be.

I am only a child in a World not known,
a World lost to all who knew of such things.

My Father created Me!
He called upon his Father's father and Father's father,
he called upon an ancient line of ancestors.
A linear view of what he knew and thus he broke the rules.

For in his death he gave me life and death is what I know life to be.

Karen A. Placek

Dedicated to Sidnie Smart, R.I.P.

Sidnie Smart, R.I.P.
"Cookie" her Cat, her only Love

I dream of death.
For he desires Me.
I finally found depth of Soul,
I found the Well so Deep.
The depth, it pours.
A pool of Gold!
The blue, the Warmth,
The Home I miss so much.
Death dreams of me.

K.A.P. 2/2009

Principle = Doubt <> Belief

To develop a quality set of principles takes the understanding and the ability to face your own doubts as well as confronting your beliefs. Principles seem to be based on the sobriety of One's mind, the actions of One's behavior and the solidarity of One being true too.

I was very doubtful that I could ever recover from the events of my childhood. Although I always had the belief that one day it would solve itself. These troubling events seem to have haunted me in my Adult Life.  In a rather severe nature, it has persisted with Flashbacks, with People, however I am still a life. I am often stifled with fear and completely overcome with anxiousness or terror. I am with every waking moment, with every fiber of my being, facing this entire life of that I have been so fortunate to have lived, Head-on. I refuse to give-up on the dream of a peaceful life without Fear or Terror occupying my Mind's space. Yet, I am plagued with my own doubt that I may not be successful in this endeavor. Providing my self with Self-reflection to bring about this change.

Ever since I was a child I have dreamed that life could be beautiful, if I could only settle my thoughts. It seems like I am constantly running from something, but the problem is "the something". In my case I was horribly abused at the hands of my mother. She went for counseling in the seventies where she received some prescription medicine for her problem. Upon returning home on that very day so long ago, the parishioners surrounded her to support her in the days appeal. When she informed them of the outcome and opinion of the doctor, they rose as one and pronounced the doctor wrong. They, being the congregation, said that she did not need to take this medication and that there was nothing wrong with her. The congregational "friends" said that the diagnosis was incorrect and that this was a direct attack from the devil and prayer in open Hallelujahs was the answer. The medication was flushed down the commode and she never returned to the shrink that had helped her so much on that day. I was there for the entire scheduled appointment. I remember the Doctor saying to me, "your Mom is going to feel better very soon". I never spoke much as a child, but the kindness on that day for a woman that was out of control and miserable in her life is sunk deep in my memory.

My entire life, since I was eighteen I have taken anti-anxieties for my problem; panic attacks. I had tried anti-depressants but they did not work for me. A few years ago after loosing my home and being at zero dollars in my bank account I applied and received Medi-cal.  I went and asked for counseling, as the flashbacks had become overwhelming.  I asked for anti-anxieties and they refused to give them to me quoting " they are addictive".  I told the Doctors that it was the only thing that ever helped me get through very troubling moments in my mind.  I was told that I was incorrect and that my earlier doctors only gave me this because they wanted to make me happy by giving me what I wanted.  The Doctor went on to say, " We have taken an oath and will not do what a patient wants, we will do what we are trained to do".  This took place at a public health facility called "The Petaluma Health"  in Petaluma, CA.   

Also, the counseling from this place in the Mental Health office did not tell me I only would receive 12 visits and after that you are meant to deal with your problem on your own by not thinking about it.  Now if you have a meltdown or a flare-up then its dealt with on a case by case study, however we have no real budgeting for more than the twelve sessions.  Of course, my counselor, Ulla did not tell me this until my tenth visit and just after I had opened this very large can of worms in my mind about a gang rape I suffered through as a kid.  It was a nightmare and I doubted that I would survive this one.  To begin to speak on a subject at the encouragement of your counselor to get things out in the open for her to just turn and say well we have two more sessions was a little two much.  She also told me I was not unique and that believing in magic was a childish view.  I never went back and lived from then till now in the nightmare of this gang rape stuck in my head.

I have continued to march on somehow.  In my mothers case and upon her friends telling her that the shrink was the devil casting out the influence of Satan upon her life, she founded a church. I guess I could have done this for myself, LOL. Her friends became the parishioners she needed and the progressive support required to not be noticed by the public for your obvious oddities.  She ended up surrounding herself with these type of people that possessed no principles and felt unabashed in her belief of false health.  She has been on her merry way in her life ever since.

For years I harbored so much resentment about all that surrounded that very day.  The frustration and anger comes from the point of no return.  For over forty years this ministry of hers has been flowing.  When these people, parishioners and/or friends had had enough of this cult of my mothers, they just packed up, one be one collecting their families and drove off into the night.  They just left me in this madness as they all have gone on with their lives.  Do they take heed to the decision and proclamation of their own voices on that important day, I don't think they even remember it. They just turn a blind eye and say that they are glad that they are no longer caught up in the insanity of the church.  The saddest state of affairs, took place, when upon the exit of one person the entry of another would conveniently arrive.  Where are the principles people so freely speak of?, for I have seen none growing-up. Nor have I seen them in my adult life in this matter.  For obviously the cycle will never end for my mother, for one persons demise is the liberty of another to step to the drummers beat and arise to the occasion of being her new best friend.   Ugg!

I had so much doubt about out living this constant frustration with people infiltrating my life.  The stories that my mother tells them are collected in the imagination and minds of whomever is her active friend of the day.  Whereas I become exhausted and the people that drop out run away from this scene and are barely able to hold onto life, these new rested beings are quite excited about handling, disciplining and teaching her out of control offspring  on a daily basis.  I doubted this would ever end, I was correct, it never did and now it is worse.  All I could do is believe in this one simple fact for myself. At forty, the magical age of accounting for missing information it seems, I will have a slim chance to confront this abscess. This is due to Natures forced opinion that you shall recall your defaults and deal with the disappointments in your life thus far before you may continue on any venue of life as you knew it. This is not represses memory syndrome, this is called Natural Law and is run efficiently by creation itself. This is a strong belief of mine, "I will survive"!!

I doubt you will understand. However you must!  I could not leave my mothers home until I was eighteen.  Did you know that regardless of how hard you try to put all the past down and keep it behind you it doesn't work?  The problem is that your family whom caused all of this havoc can never be forgotten and you can never get away, no matter how hard you try.  I had no one to talk to about the truth of this matter. I was the child of a mother who ran a cult. I was totally screwed.  Either everybody hates you because your mother is psycho and is such an awful human being they are now afraid of her. Or you are looked at by people that you hold a grudge against your family and should forgive them. Saying, "nothing could be that bad", grant it I never told them anything.  I just said I did not get along with my family. Those people would tell me that I lacked in principles and they doubted that I had been raised to be so sorted in my views of God, religion, life, etc.  Don't worry, as soon as those people met my mother or family they would try to apologize to me, or they would just disappear and I would never hear from them again.  Wow, they are so brave. I have never seen people exit stage left so fast in my life as when this happens.

I doubt so much and believe in much less, but I do know that I work on being a person of principles.  I work on this each and every day so that I do not adversely effect other people with negative energy from myself or my opinions.

The definition of doubt, belief and principle is very important to know and/or become familiar with in your life today.  I believe that if you do not know doubt personally and you do not know about your beliefs personally than you are incapable of possessing any principle, not a one. Let alone being capable of saying that you have any principles to stand on. For the familiarity of both doubt and belief are equal than and less than one another, leaving you what equals out to be, your own principles in the end. It must be, especially after I read the definition of all three.


[dout] Show IPA
–verb (used with object)
to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
to distrust.
Archaic . to fear; be apprehensive about.
–verb (used without object)
to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.


[bih-leef] Show IPA
something believed;  an opinion or conviction: a belief that the earth is flat.
confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof: a statement unworthy of belief.
confidence; faith; trust: a child's belief in his parents.
a religious tenet or tenets; religious creed or faith: the Christian belief.


[prin-suh-puhl] Show IPA
an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct: a person of good moral principles.
a fundamental, primary, or general law or truth from which others are derived: the principles of modern physics.
a fundamental doctrine or tenet; a distinctive ruling opinion: the principles of the Stoics.
principles, a personal or specific basis of conduct or management: to adhere to one's principles; a kindergarten run on modern principles.
guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.
an adopted rule or method for application in action: a working principle for general use.
a rule or law exemplified in natural phenomena, the construction or operation of a machine, the working of a system, or the like: the principle of capillary attraction.
the method of formation, operation, or procedure exhibited in a given case: a community organized on the patriarchal principle.
a determining characteristic of something; essential quality.
an originating or actuating agency or force: growth is the principle of life.
an actuating agency in the mind or character, as an instinct, faculty, or natural tendency: the principles of human behavior.
Thanks to the on-line dictionary, Dictionary.Com