Saturday, August 6, 2011

Powering Towards An End

The opinion of some in this World is to move on from the kind of hurt and despair that I and others have experienced.  I was told recently that if I wanted to write about it that is fine as long as I do it in a fictional manner.  I was also told that I should move forward because my mother and my family will never change.  Saying,"Nobody denies the abuse that you went through Karen."

I have thought about the advice that I have been given in my life.  When I was in my twenties and people found out that I did not get along with my family because of their religious beliefs. I was told  that I should forgive them and get back together with my family.  I was told that there is nothing that a family could ever do to you that should be enough to separate you from them for life.

Hindsight being twenty/twenty I should have run like Hell and told my children that I had no family.  I wish that I had picked-up and taken off to another part of this world never returning to San Francisco or the United States but this is not the case.  I followed the advice of other people and have yet again put myself and my children in harms way.  I have had to spend the last few years processing the horrors so that I am not triggered into blackouts or more flashbacks.  This is after years and years of practiced repression or better said, I was very good at internalizing absolutely everything.   The problem that you run into when you do this to yourself is that you can never get angry about anything or all of the rage that is built up inside of you will slip out.  You can only hold all of this within yourself if you do not share what has really happened to you to cause you to internalize your pain and agony in the first place.

Although it would be easier to walk away yet again, I find that following the advice of the people this time  would be wrong for me to do.  I feel as if I have been bullied into things most of my life and I have walked away from so much because I do not want to make myself angry.  I am standing for the first time against the abusive nature of my family and against the abuse of the relationships that I have been involved in.  I feel as if I need to make a stand against the bullies in my life.  If I don't learn to stand up against them then I will continue to be bullied and I am sick and tired of not saying to anyone what is on my mind.

I am not sure why so many people feel as if this is wrong to do.  I guess it would be wrong for them but it is not wrong for me anymore.  My family destroyed my life so long ago because they feared I may talk and they may have to be responsible for child neglect and abuse.  In the end, (Many years later) I have spoken and I have found that there are no consequences for the abuse and neglect that I suffered.  It is not as if they are famous and anyone is interested in this story.  I am hoping that by knowing this fact that they will retreat and stop the attack on the life of my children and myself.

My family needs to realize that the purposeful destruction of my life to protect their reputations was in vain.  It was not necessary.  They should have allowed me to live a normal life and realized that whether I talked or not, it would be exactly as they said to me, "Nobody will believe you and there is nothing you will be able to do about it anyway."  They were right, so they should be celebrating not planning the next bad thing to bring more ruin upon my life. Here is the message I received on my Facebook page from my older sister today,

Today 8/6/2011

Report · 6:03pm
don't let mom use you anymore....its some kind of sacrifice thing....for some reason your necessary for her "last" sacrifice. she's finished with ed and me....we are just a process or some kind of catholic ritual....don't let her use your children. they love you and are going to come back to you. she has no power over them.

I was told this so many times growing up I became bored with there attempt to discredit me as a human being and my mother continually telling me I am the sacrificial lamb.  It is so strange that she is now writing it to me. Why don't they not take their own advice?  I don't understand why they continue this onslaught on my life if they know that I cannot do anything about what has gone down since I was a child.  Its almost as if I am their entertainment or something strange along those lines.

They would tell me that when I went out into the World that I would be used and tossed aside, leaving me alone. They were right.  In the end I want them to know that simple fact.  I want to know that that is exactly what has happened.  I hope they find some justice in knowing this truth about themselves and what they have said for so many years.

I am very happy that I have waited so long to speak about the abuse as a child and young adult.  I did not have to spend years upon years in this unhappiness publicly.  I was able to suffer silently and there was honor in that for me.  Speaking is the better decision for me today.  I find that I am becoming more liberated as a person. As I gain more strength and learn to follow my own intuition and not the advice of other people, I find that I can stand with independence and conviction against these bullies from my past.  I would rather be free in mind and body than to be bound by their lies, deceit and manipulations.  I stand for liberty, freedom and justice for all, regardless of the age of the crime.

It is wrong to have been seperated from my children the way that I have been.  My mother has told so many lies in the past, in fact on one occasion Kathleen had to run from the house because she could not take what was being said about her mother and uncle.  There is no good reason why my family of orgin and second ex-husband has alienated me from my two younger children other than to breed more narcissistic energy by introducing tragedy into their young lives.  In the end and as my children grow into adults with families of their own, the separation that we have experienced  may find ground to heal upon or we may find that healing can never be had in this affair.  Either way there is this incredible and long lasting ability we have to blog our stories on the internet where they eventually can be found by our offspring in this case.  In the instance that my children and I never recover what has been lost, today they can witness what we had as a family before we were ripped apart by all  the people who could not stand to see such happiness in our lives.  I hope they remember how much I cared and how much I loved them everyday of my life.  The End.