Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I refuse to give up!! My best friend had a name

I have been pushed out by my family for not conforming to what they require of me. Of course, I have not conformed with much of anything since I was a child.  I come from an upper class family in San Francisco. So facing the streets as a homeless person has been traumatizing.  Although my brother is homeless in San Francisco.  Maybe it will end up being a blessing and we could find some healing together.  I still will not give up my calling in life to do what I am inspired to do regardless of where I lay my head night.   Whether it is a cot in a public shelter or a bed in my own studio apartment, I have decided to continue my vigil and testify to the accounts of my life.  Speaking out against severe child neglect and torture. I know that there is a need for people to stand and speak against evil.  I know that my story inspires some and sickens others. I know that many still carry the guilt of turning their back on me. I also know that with every door that is slammed shut in my face with someone I know, a window will open and I will have the opportunity to know someone new, just like you.  Someday I will be able to call a person my friend and I will have the opportunity to be their friend in return.  With a lot of luck, someday I may know what a healthy relationship is all about and experience the growth that two people can enjoy together without the fighting and manipulative conduct I have become so accustomed to in my life.

I have done a lot of research, trying to find places, support groups or retreats for people with C-PTSD. To be honest I don't know how anyone can afford the prices of such places. What interested me was who ran the organizations.  I was in a position for many years with an employer where I was able to fine tune the skills and develop more skills to run workshops and speak publically on difficult subjects.  I became available to my staff where I had been employed so they could feel comfortable to discuss any trouble they may be having on the job or in life.   I took the job with my company so that I could compare notes against my mothers business ventures. I was in a search to find out how an actual money making business recorded its earnings. I had always been suspect in the activities of my mother and step-father.  I needed to learn how to properly run a business from the bottom on up.  I had only been taught how a company is run through ill begotten means. I needed to confirm with myself and my own conscience before I continued on with any sort of entrepreneurship in my own life.

I refuse to give up on my life's calling because it continues to be on my mind as an important thing to do for myself and for others.  I have put it off and turned away from it many times. I did not want to feel the heat of the embarrassment of my life and my family. I had such a troubled life, full of so many experiences with narcissistic people it seems almost impossible to have lived.  I know that there must be a need out there to help troubled people with expressing themselves and being able to disconnect from the person or persons that brought the distress into there life.  Being well-versed in the language of "brainwashing" and narcissistic communication, I can be a wonderful source for answering those gnawing questions you may have in the back of your mind about the abusive manipulation you suffered in or through the hands of a narcissist or malignant narcissistic person.  Being the daughter of a woman that has run a very successful con on the wealthy congregants of her church/cult enables me to give you the inside view and perspective not many people have been afforded.  I can speak on the events behind closed doors, the in's and out's of finacial manipulation on the brainwashed and I can testify to the planning that it takes to accomplish the goals that are set out by these type of human beings.

So many people in my life have tried to turn me away from trying to help others in this way.  It has become rather curious to me and I wonder why it is frowned upon. Somebody has to do it, why not me? It is a natural fit.  I am told that I should just get over things and move on. This is a difficult task with C-PTSD.  If you read about C-PTSD you will find that being told to "just get over it" is ill advised.

What I would like to say to all of you now, is that my family has been in service to the public for three generations.  My Grandparents had their own church in Roseburg, Oregon.  My mother had her own church and non-profit in San Francisco, CA. and I would like to carry the torch forward just not the same way that it has been done thus far.  What you need to know is that when you are a preachers kid, or the grandparents preachers kid, you are constantly donating your time while you are growing -up.  It is just expected.  So, I have been in the business of serving the public through the ministry and non-profit business's ever since I can remember.  One of the things that I was pushed to do as a teenager, was to become a pastor.  This did not sit well with me and I did not do it.  However, I had the ability to engage an audience and capture their attention, which is a very good talent.

For years I have contemplated how to take what has happened to me and turn it around in my life. I would like all that has happened to me to not be a burden to bare in my life but rather an opportunity to share the insight into a sadomaschist and malignant narcissists life  I thought that there might be an audience of people that have suffered the crime of a malignant narcissist and sadomaschist alike, tearing from you the right to be alive. Being with my mother daily, during the beginning of starting her church, I have a birds eye view of narcissistic behavior as it begins to envelope its audience through brainwashing, intimidation, manipulation, lies, threats and psychological torture.  I was on both sides of the fence each day of my life as she would speak in open about God, Religion and behind closed doors, speak of how to manipulate those same people out of their wealth..  It is why I am not religious but I do believe myself to be a spiritual person.  Not many of the people that are running the cult recovery centers have my experience. It is shrewd training from the malignant narcissist herself. Subbing as a cult leader and portraying herself as your mother on the side gave way to many different and sorted experiences that has left me dealing with C-PTSD.  This does not include the experiences with the rest of my family and the actual interactions with the congregation itself.  This type of insight seems to be unusual, as it is very selective in my mothers case because the abuse was so broad and they have been so discreet to date.  I do know that I would be a benefit to society, speaking against the ill's of narcissism and the affects of a cult or a cult-like experience on a persons psyche and on how difficult it is to pick-up where you left off.  Teaching methods to heal and to move through the damages that these people do to your character and to your life without regard is where I believe my talent may be.  To be destroyed by another human being is extremely damaging and can lead to suicide, permanent depression and loss of interest in living.

My best friend did commit suicide because of what had happened to us as children. My mother had instilled such fear in him that one day it did overcome him and he hanged himself.  It is the fear that grips us that causes such despair and anxiety in our lives. It seems to kill us silently in disguise.  I would like to begin a movement in this country that brings narcissistic, malignant narcissistic and the enablers of the persons that are supporting this behavior to the forefront of society today.  It has taken me so many years to even find these descriptions of such monsters that I feel if it was made more publicly known we could save lives.  I would like to begin a foundation that would eventually become endowed, so that people like myself and my best friend have a place to go to heal from this type of  abuse.  There are no places that you can go to face down your demons when you have been pushed out onto the streets by these monsters.  Sadly, it is just assumed that you are a drug addict, an alcoholic or a derelict when you end up homeless and on the streets.  You are treated as if you have been stupid enough to do this to yourself and you deserve what is happening to you. Being alone after suffering so much in your life should not have to happen to anyone. Especially when the situation your are trying to exit is the family that is still enjoying the torture you are still suffering. It is the loneliness and the fear that I believe kills us so slowly.  The infuriating thing about all of this is that a narcissist is in charge of everything in your life, so when they are done with you, they simply kick you to the curb without I.D., money, a phone, bank account and whatever else the control freak has decided to keep from you so that they are not found out for their cruelty.  Anywhere that you search for help is an embarrassment, if yesterday you had your own home and today you are standing on the street corner where you were dropped off by the offender.

In addition, it is difficult to think straight after being in this type of environment.  A lot of  times you just need a break and the comfort of a shoulder to cry on during this time of separation.  This is such an important thing to remember.  One problem you face and is very difficult to overcome is that once you are in the life of a narcissist you will never know a life without them.  They are relentless in their attack.  They drop you off one day, kicking you to the curb when things are bad for you financially and emotionally and  as soon as you begin to recover they will conveniently show back up in your life.  It is the internal radar that each one of them seems to possess for the successful and continued torture of you and yours.  Providing a safe environment for a person to exit this sort of relationship or in my case family problem is paramount in the entire success of you're own life going forward.  In doing this one type of rescue for a human being you would be enabling the victim of the abuse instead of the monster committing the abuse. Trust me on this one simple fact. These people do not need anymore help than the help they have received from every person that has run the other way after realizing the destruction that they havoc.

I am also passionate about writing my story for myself.  I want somebody to know that I existed at one time in this life.  I want somebody to know how hard I had to fight to maintain the ability to make an independent decision.  I want you to know that I cannot possibly be the only child that grew-up and told a story of dismay.  Even though I have not spoken until now, the pain, agony and the hidden lies had to have shown up on my face at sometime in my life. You would have thought that someone would have had to have recognized the assault on my life and would feel compelled to help to end it, as oppose to perpetuate it with more lies and gossip.  I believe that other grown children may be in similar circumstance as I . People do not stop the lies and manipulation that we have suffered through, they just go and find a new victim to victimize in your absence. I want to tell my story to expose the graphic nature of a person, claiming to be mother and a man that is my step-father who did the most diabolical acts in front of me, claiming normalcy the entire time.  I need to tell my story, I need somebody to care that I was so severely abused and neglected, because if nobody cares than I don't wonder anymore about why child abuse continues to perpetrate itself from generation to generation.  If this is the case and nobody cares about a story such as mine enough to act upon what I have spoken on here, then my life is not worth the effort that I have made to live it.

You must have human contact in order to thrive.  My family has perpetrated this crime of isolation against me ever since I can remember.  I would like to experience contact with human beings that is healthy and not harmful.  I would like my life to be a testimony to myself and to the people that need to see somebody that has a story about their life just like them.  I would like to be able to stand up straight, not be embarrassed and just let it show that I am proud to be alive because I was able to survive.

Fighting to live since I was a kid

I am a life,

I was alive,

my heart gave 'way,

I couldn't die.

Looking for another guy,

smothered me, it was no lie.

Fear did grip me from a distance,

looking back at my resistance.

Startled by the silent air,

jumped back in to my despair.

Gasped for breath,

I did take off,

hid until I did cough.

All the lies,

 all I did was try and try.

Made this girl just realize,

my worth was little,

in guilt compare,

I lived my life entirely from there.

Disappointment doesn't rank until you get older and realize that you fought so hard for something that people don't seem to care about themselves because for them in was a given. It was a battle for me. Freedom did not come naturally and I still have yet to win the War. So while my peers turn from me because getting through the day is such a feat, I am patient with myself. I have made the mistake of saying how neat it is just to be alive and found that this offends them. I persevere. I know that most people believe me to be stupid, ignorant and stuck in the past. I can tell you from my own personal experience that in order to be able to survive what my best friend committed suicide over means that you do not encourage yourself at all to even think of or on the past at all.  To believe that we are stuck there is ignorance on your part.  I lived through all of this once and I would never live through it again.  The other frustrating opinion of people is that they believe me to be an idiot because I do not have a sure fire plan to just "get over it." I have to stop in my life, dead in my tracks sometimes to not become full of the rage that I feel inside myself.  I have to do these things for myself so that I can continue at all in this life. I believe that everything has happened to us for a reason.  I refuse to give up on myself. I believe flashbacks are your minds ability to begin the healing process, so that you may be able to be privy to the entire story that has been hidden in the lives of your perpetrators. I think that this may happen so  that you can finally understand their refusal to acknowledge their guilt and responsibility towards you as human being. This way you may begin the healing process of  not the being the "it," nor the "thing" that you have been referred to most of your life. I have a name and so do you. Together we can move mountains to regain the innocence that I know we never lost, it is just hidden in a special place. I know that this has to prove to be the truth for the injured.  I know that "we" in the collective sense, continue to be the target for narcissistic and malignant narcissistic persons alike. Lets end the brain drain. Join the fight against the monsters that haunt you tonight and tomorrow we can stand together. We can face our fears and know that we have one another and we are still fighting for our friends that have been lost in this battle against the immorality that has plagued our society. 

Make room if you want to, don't make room for me if you don't want to, but whatever you do today know this, my best friend is dead.  I will never forget and I will not run from a fight and this is the fight of my life, I am still alive! 

Rules Of The Cruel

The rule is no mercy,
from step-fathers book.
Fourteen years younger than my mother.
a Sado-Masochistic man,
who beats me because he can.

Forced oral sex was a sight I did see.
Was a boy and it was not me.
Opened the door to take one look,
slammed it in anger, rage, it took!
I guessed I would soon be coming of age.
Not if I can help it,
I turned the page.

Six years older than I this boy was,
laughed at me just because,
he put his dick inside my place,
in sneaky nightime lies he raped.
Or is it incest that he did take. 

Mother said, "You dirty little whore in your mind."
Step-father beat me!
said he was kind.
I never did look to see any sign.
I could not confess,
or get any help.
All that was said behind closed doors,
what happens here is for the best.

Split yourself in pysho state,
you boy! you freak!
don't touch me!
I'm dead.
Practiced rape.
Smothering hand,
 of boy I survived,
guilt gets the best of anyones lie.

Anger, Rage that boy did feel,
the day I laughed and said surreal.
Held my breath, that parts real.
Did not die,
not from lack of suffocating tries.

No Mercy.

Jail me in the prison you keep.
Make it real, make it neat.
Horrific sight,
addicted right?
I have your mind in lock-up tonight.

Confusing lies, continued to try.
Welcome to my life,
it's do or die.
I may not survive.
I just turned five.
Happy Birthday to me,
good night.

Born a slave,
shuffled about to anyone's house.
There is no consequence,
play till your hearts desire.
or shout!
More from the baby whore.
I pout!

Beat me till I don't cry!
Fuck me if you're a guy,
I'm was a kid,
I didn't know,
that it was wrong,
till they told me so.
Now I'm dirty, minded, filth,
step-father beat me with is belt.
He loved the moments of the leather strap,
beat the dog, guess you knew that.

I don't think much of the affair,
my mother had with him while he was there.
He was the nanny, hired to take care,
moved right in on all the parental sin.
Spirtual not, religious zealot today.
Believes in exorcisms back in the day.

Sickness was the air to breath, I'm afraid.
Yelling, screaming, pounding fists.
Pulled the hair that I don't need.
don't worry I will never shout,
why bother when my sisters out.
No mercy, no childhood, so they say.
Be strong,
and remember,
the rules of the day.
Cruelty favors the unloved and wronged,
beat me 'til I am strong.
Now I'm ready for sacred spot,
encountered you and you must stop.
Caught in words of this girls verse,
speaking truth, its getting worse.
Graphic nature matches you,
don't forget to say you're due.

Shall we?