Monday, October 31, 2011

At least I Can Finally Speak...

Look at what you have done to my head Mom.
She had been so cruel.
Why have a child Mom?
When you wanted an abortion?
You told me you were raped.
"That is the only reason I am even here."

You have shattered my life.
You have broken my body with beatings.
You have taken all you could from me.
Now, look at the picture and know it shows.

I wake to know that life is here.
The Sun will rise and Oceans flow.
The tides that move so very slow.
Moving in and moving out just so I can know.

Life could have been beautiful.

At least I know,
That if all I have is time,
I can say out loud while alone:

Why am I here when I want to go?

"I thought to myself."

It is not a crime to want to catch a break in life.

Yield Feelings Ahead!!

Top 10 things not to say to someone with Severe P.T.S.D.

10.) You can't be in that much pain.
9.)  Stop being lazy and get a job.
8.)  You just want attention.
7.)  Your illness is caused by stress.
6.)  NO PAIN.........NO GAIN!!
5.)  It's all in your head.
4.)  If you just got out of the house.
3.)  You're so lucky to get to stay in bed all day!
2.)  Just pray harder.
1.)  But; you look: So Good!!

Care Enough to be informed, not a Jerk!

Do not speak to dead people, truth or dare!!

You loose one thing at a time,
or you may lose your rhyme
so be wise, I'll drop the dime.

First, Your Voice!
Second, Your Choice!
Then you will simply just become a noise.

Annoying and an Irritant
to those left around you.
These same people will order you to do,
give negative opinions and
turn away from you, walking the opposite direction,
following their assault on your life.

These same people will ignore your plea for help
and then just cut you out entirely,
with cold and deliberate abrasiveness.

Some Three Years Ago,
I felt the "Will to Live" leave me.
In this fraction of a second,
I felt the "Will to Live" abandon my very self,
as I repeat what I have said,
 I still am in disbelief of the occurrence of such an event.

I looked at my last friend and said,
"My Will to live has just left me."
I stuttered and continued,
"Do you think I'll fall dead?"

The shock and horror upon his face
made me know my truth was fact.
I stood up as he had, I fell to my knees.
Sprawled upon the floor and there I laid.

His overwhelming concern frightened and shocked me back into reality.
I was a seemingly, hovering shell of myself.
Still inside myself and obviously not yet gone from my body,
I said, "What has happened now?"
He shrugged at me.

 I thought that I should continue to speak.
Somehow, someway, I would survive using this as my tact.
You know, in spite of my plight of loosing "My Will" to live.

As I went on speaking to Dennis,
he listened and I went on speaking deep into the night.
The concern upon his face was obvious,
frightening me into more of what my nature insisted that had happened.

I just started to rattle away,
speaking of anything and everything
in order to hold "Death" at bay.
I really had never counted on such a sordid affair
ever happening in my life.

I, in less than one instant, lost the will to live completely.

With each passing second,
I was baffled and felt as if I might,
fall from fear or less: The horror of such a thought.
I knew if I went down, I would never return again.

All of this weirdness has happened because of all the people (family) in my life.
So I proposed this reasoning to my panicked self; it seemed logically at the time.
Ever since I was a Tot they took one thing away from me at a time.
First I was an "It", than a "Thing," robbing me of my humanity.
Then I was Hated, Tortured, Beaten, Teased, Accused, told I was possessed,
A Sinner and Devil Worshipper.
I think the only positive I found in all of their terror upon my young life,
 was when I went from an "It" to a "Thing,"
at least then I became an object and felt useful.

The words of despair and cruelty would pour out of the mouths of friends too.
"The Whys, The Will not, The Get over it's."
The only common thread I could ever find,
is that I would loose one thing at a time.

My Soul was sold, I gave my Heart away to my older sister,
all that I was left with was Emotions.
And who needs that when you are constantly a bot,
not a human being.

{Ever watched, "Lost in Space," if not you cannot relate.}

The golden, common thread with my family was;
They want me dead.
To quote Sarah,
"You should take a gun and blow your head off, it would be the best thing for the family."
Hugh, my step-father's quote,
"Oh, don't worry about dying, I will take care of that personally."
Of course, this was after sneaking up behind me at my Mom's house,
put his arm, up and around my neck, twisting me and throwing me down on the dining room floor.
(An hour later he apologized)
In reality this would not have done me much good if he had been successful in breaking my neck;
so the apology from my Step-father was rather moot.

Back to loosing The Will to live!
A reality bite, a hit of despair, I spoke.
My dear friend SHOOK, as so did I.
He said, "You are still here."
"I know, that is a good sign!"
I perked up.

The seconds became minutes and the minutes became hours!
"I have yet to fall!" I proclaimed.
"Maybe I did not lose the Will to live but lost the idea of the Will to live."
"Maybe it is the "Want" you actually need, in order to keep your breath from escaping you?"

He smiled a gentle, worried concern.
For I was still ashen colored according to him,
and, I appeared weak.  He said,
 "You seem resigned to Nature's call."
He was speaking with a soft repose,
almost as if it seemed he was losing his argument with me for the fight of my life.

As he held me in his arms for the very few moments that I found I could calm myself enough to be still, I said to him:
"Say goodbye to me just in case I go.
 I want your words to be the last ones I will recall in a vocal tone."

Lurking at the door was Death himself.
I know him well, so I turned and said,
"Hello, You must have received an early call."

With only a deep chortle, that could only come from Death personally,
he spoke,
"You again, the one girl who refuses to abide by any law."
"YEP, that is I." I smiled:
Remembrance of my youth flooded back into my mind.

"Who shall I say you are with my little rebellious, 'Small one'?"
Death spoke softly.
"Well," I said in a rehearsed record,
"He said that I was like his Best Friend some three years ago," said I.
"He said that I knew him better than he knew himself."
"No shit" Death said.
"Yes he did," I explained in a defiant declare.

Death said, "At least you are not alone as before.
You have a man to hold you 'till I arrive."
Cool I uttered quietly.
Death said,
"I must take note and call all the ones from below, 
they must come up here to witness that I have found our elusive girl."
"Now don't scare me as you did before."
 I protested in audible voice.

"Oh, NO WAY!" Death repeated,
"We finally found our orphaned child, who had been left for dead by her family and was both lost in death and in life."
 "That was rather confusing,"
I spoke in my own defense.

"The Girl that ran into the arms screaming at the top of her lungs has been located."
Death spoke in audible tone.
"I here this,"
an unidentified voice spoke.
 "You mean the one that kept screaming take me with you, take me, take me?
Then upon full view of ourselves, screamed, running the other direction?
And as she was high tailing out of that basement lair continued to holler,
You are the scariest things I have ever seen.
 I am so sorry, forgive me! forgive me!"
It is her.
" I cannot stay with what is causing me even more fear than what I am already in."
"Is it her?" Acer said,
"Are you sure it is the girl that disappeared through the wall?"
"Yep, this is her."
"Don't let her go!" Acer said. 
"Oh I will not," Death said.

Now as a Riddler, I prattled on, while stalling Death.
More of his friends or comrades in arms began to appear.
They all had big smiles and were filled with joy that it was me.
The lost child!
Strange points of glee filled these Men
 (lets call them that for the sake of my story)
these ones that had once inhabited my Dark World still looked the same.

All at once they began to applaud my friend, Dennis!
A standing ovation, Cheering and Excitement filled the air.
The prowess of such a man, his bravery floored them.
His reality and grasp of this very sensitive subject won them over immediately.
Oh course all he could think to say was,
"She says that she has just lost the Will to Live."
I said,
"I think they know that, hence the visit to our small apartment."

As we stood with no apparent appeal or real way out of this new found strangeness,
we both stood in silence and watched.
They (the men) memorizing him,
Dennis that is:
Every detail and in a fine example of how thorough
 and multi-tasked they are when there is more than one,
 they also kept a sharp and keen eye on me.

Now if Dennis would ever admit to this I don't know and don't care,
because it is a Hell of a story and I think its is oddly funny.

The Demons, if you will (the men) if you are slow and have not caught on yet
were speaking the Language of Old.
I, personally have not heard it since I was so small,
it brought such comfort in my life, I was almost excited to leave again.

Lucifer uttered,
"Is she still apologizing?"
"Yes, of course," Death explained.
"Still fighting the rules of the Universe?"
"Yes" Acer spewed as his own laughter broke out over his answer to Lucifer.

I said.
"My body is still going and you said that until it completely stops, and stills,
with no visible sign of active life, I did not have to abandon it."
Satan laughed so hard, and said,
"So my dear daughter, my orphaned girl:
You are not as full of fear of my audience of friends that you have personally attracted this evening for this final curtain call?"

"NO" I said, "But.."

"Here it comes," Satan jested.

"There is an Old Woman who lives 'Not in a Shoe',
 that could use an escort out of this weird, wacky place. 
So all of your work will not have been in vain."

Her passing went unnoticed and she was found by the Public Health Department of Petaluma.
She had passed on inside her very small home.
The city had sealed the front door with a Department Seal, because in less time than it takes to make a baby rattle out of vertebrae bones, all her relatives tried to invade her home.  Taking all her belongings, of coarse, with the exception of her.  How confusing would that have been for a woman still believing herself to be living.

"Watch Out," Satan warned, this is where she lost us last time," remember the story?"

I just happened to be near by, one wall away looking at the neighboring flat for a proposed living space for Dennis and I to live in peace with new and not so judgmental people. I  felt as if someone had been left for dead very near to where I was, (one common wall away, or did I mention that)
In Shock and Horror, I ran from this place.

Of course, the Devil piped up and interrupted my story with his giggling;
Saying ever so calmly,
"And what Dear Girl, did you do?"

As if this had been scripted they
(the Demons/Men, do you get it yet?)
listened intently.

I said,
"LOOK! I am just, I mean I was just at an Open House
 to view this place as a possible living arrangement for Dennis and I,
since we were being kicked out of our current place because I was not technically on the lease even though we had been successfully living together there for two years up to this point in the same place as only friends, nothing more or less.

The Old Woman saw me clear.  I said go back to your side of the house, I can not explain to you your predicament ( or won't).  I suggested following your new found relatives. 
Listen to them and ask yourself why after all of these years, 
how all that was yours is now theirs and find out that they are legally correct.
All because you are DEAD.

"And You," she asked as she blinked.

I cannot be sure in this less than a fraction of a second I ran the ten blocks back home or drove, I just know I was no longer standing in front of a dead old lady that saw me clear as day and I her.
I stormed into our house and told Dennis as I was slamming the door behind me, and was already drawing all the curtains close, closing any cracks with blankets and unplugging the hard wired phone, ( Did you know people can call you after they are dead?) This is before of course you know that they have been killed or are dead, CREEPY!!  Spouting frantically, I had almost lost my mind at this point, saying, "OH MY GOD, this has not happened since I was a kid and my Mom bought a Mortuary to be her new Church/Cult. I am in a nightmare again."

Do you know who hangs out in Mortuaries', "DEAD PEOPLE"

and then, the Devil could not restrain himself, said,
"And then?"

I said to him, "Dennis, HIDE!! QUICK"
"Watch out, dead woman, very OLD is about, and she does not think she is dead. When they don't think they are dead and you can hear and see them, they follow you where ever you go looking for answers to their confused state of being."

He said, "What?"

I said as and while still going as fast as I could,
"I am hiding in the closet with Nero, (My  Miniature Pinscher) and as far as I am concerned, including Nero, we are now nowhere to found ever again."  "And you should say if anyone unfamiliar asks you, I no longer exist and Nero died suddenly 10 minutes ago." 
O.K., he agreed.
 I put a blanket over my head, jumped into the closet and shut myself in with Nero.

Satan said,
"Those were your instructions to this kind man standing here tonight?"

"No!" I exclaimed

I said while hiding in the closet,
"If anyone or this old woman specifically happens into the House where we are currently now in, say Hello and be friendly.  She would make a great project for you.  You will learn so much and mostly you will learn the difference between life and death in a heartbeat."
I went on to say while still shaking with Nero,
"Remember! This is the most important fact and best information I could ever give to you,

He shook, Dennis that is.

I said,
 "Don't worry a bit, you don't believe and I am positively sure you will immediately know when you see her what is truth and what is a life, (insert caveat here; LIE, LIE, LIE) ending paranoid convo now, over and out."

He said, "What if all you say is true?"
I said, "I cannot answer anymore questions, I gave you more than most."

Guilt overwhelmed me and so I said,
in addition,
which I should get goody points for in the end.

"Now Dennis, I am hiding in the closet so I am safer than you."
But, I spoke calmly,
 "If all of this happens to you, Run like HELL! Not to me."

It was as if the light went on in his brain and broke at the same time from fear. 
A common affair in an abandonment issue.
So, I said ever so quietly,

"I usually hide and ignore completely any experiences such as this one,
 it is how you maintain your sanity or at least how I maintain mine."

At this pivotal point of the most needed silence in order to loose her trail,
dead people are so fast its weird and creepy at the same time.
Dennis had opened my sliding closet door,
jumped in next to me and hid under the blanket, shaking.
Much like myself and Nero.

 the story found a new chapter.
The excitement in the room was building,
I could feel all the demon Men getting excited about my new story of ridiculousness,
all in escaping the dead.

So, we,
Dennis and I were fine,
your girl;
Totally forgot the entire incident passing it off as "A bad day."
I mean who hasn't had a few of those, right?
Oh, by the way, never tell these stories to your shrink or counselor.
If given the opportunity they, the counselors,
 will put you into a psyche ward.
These are the cases you only need one thing,
They are the only ones who believe you without condemnation or judgment,
they are full of compassion and comfort.

Back to the story at hand,
Dennis says, "I found a place to check out to live in."
Cool, I said and off we go,
guess where?
The same exact place all of this had happened at,
coincidence, I think not.

I tried to be cool,
never mentioning to Dennis that this is the place,
I had high tailed out of not two weeks before. 
Who really knows maybe I am nuts
and I made the entire thing up for attention,
Yea right.

The seal was still on the front of the house
and you still could not really read it due to the microscopic size of the sealed emblem.
but we were touring the back of the house that had the common wall.
You know how they split a house put a midget kitchen and call it a one bedroom,
cozy are usually how these types of places are referred too.

So, me being the cool person I never am, walks right in behind the Realtor, Dennis and the dog.

Racer, pipes up!
Satan says, "HUSH!"
"I want to hear her story"

Now, Dennis and the Woman Realtor from Bundesen Realtor, Century 21 have now entered and stepped inside the DEN of DEATH, know as the apartment for .
As the Realtor shows us the space, as if we had not ever been there.
She was definitely not the one that was there the day I ran out, 'cause I did not recognize her.


Do not bother to get your Service Dog tags, let alone register them, the prejudice against Service Dogs is ridiculous and I am relentlessly hassled over him.  One person from "Bundesen Century 21" , a Realtor told me "Didn't you read the add for this apartment?
 I said 'Yes. She told me to get out because I was an idiot, no dogs means, no dogs. So they just de-qualify you from any and every property based on your Service Dog.  Which is meant to be ill-legal.  When you ask they just told us we were not a good fit and went with another client, this happened to us over twelve different pieces of property.  We had to provide so much personal information just to be considered for a rental.  I even proved my dog was a registered Service Dog in this County. Other than providing our first born son, we don't have one we are not married, they had a reason for going with a different couple for every piece of property they listed. We were denied purposely so one time Dennis went in to the office to complain, that was that after he did this, we were black marked..  I, at the end, called and requested all of our personal information to be returned so they would not have our bank account records, background information, first, last and social security numbers, along with our drivers license information.  They told me at Bundesen 21 Realty  that our information belonged to them now for record keeping purposes. I said I would like to pick it all up since we do not meet there criteria for a rental then why do they need us on record?.  NO! again they said.  Then I asked if they would shred our file, NO! they said.  I still have yet to retrieve all of the information that they gathered from us. Including why I have a Service Dog, which is against the law to even ask.  I called a third time to try yet again to regain our information, they hung up on me.

Back to my story:
As soon as we entered the rental property, I asked,
"What is up with the front piece of property?'
The Realtor, who also works for Bundesen Century 21 said,
"There was an old woman who had died and no one found her for a while."
She continued,
"Her relatives are fighting over her stuff,
 but now it has become a Health Department Issue."

NOW, who looked ashen? Dennis!!
He heard the entire conversation between the Realtor and I,
he had been in the other bedroom looking around.
Dennis walks out of the bedroom, looks straight at me and I said,
"I told you so."

The Realtor spouted;
"Sometimes people can feel such things."
I laughed and said,
"I know I sure did."

I advised the following to the Realtor;

"You should not show places that are directly behind
 or next two attached by just one common wall to unsuspecting,
 potential clients or renters, it can be disturbing. 
I am one such person. 
I had a horrible feeling in this place when I came to the open house.
I am one of those sensitive to that sort of thing.
I ran all the way home and sounded like a freak when I arrived and told this man what I felt. 
But thank you for telling us and being honest." 
 Then I asked her, the Realtor,
"Why did these people, the ones who lived here moved,
seems they went in a hurry.
Please tell me that they did not have nightmares
and that is when they found out the old lady was dead."

Dennis looked over at me and I said,
"Told you so. 
 I am never wrong about the Dead people thing.
Did you know they will follow you if they think you can see or hear them."
The Realtor sure did listen hard.

I said to Dennis,
"I am so sensitive! 
 Now, do you believe me about what had happened two weeks ago?"
He said,
"Yes, let's go."

We left never to return again.
We never returned to Bundsen Century 21,
 or that creepy haunted place with a wall that split the house in two,
and three Bungalows out back.

Believe it or not!!