Thursday, June 30, 2011

Flip, Flopping

My step-father would tell me as I was growing-up that repressed memory syndrome would not hold up in court.  This went on until I cut off all contact with them a few years ago.  I never said anything at all during my life.   When he said this to me  I would take pause and think to myself, why?  Why does he insist on doing this to me?  Why must we have these dreaded encounters that only include the grilling questions of what I remember as a child?  What do they continue to cover up that has them this obsessed with my life?  In actuality when did I ever have the opportunity to forget and even get repressed memory whatever its called? Simultaneously as the grilling questions of the countless encounters I would be slammed to the ground for the sake of impact? And to be told repeatedly that with nothing that I  remember would hold up in a court of law and anything that I remember is a down right lie about my mother and him anyway.   Where do they think that this would eventually leave me?

I would love to tell you that this ended at 18 when I ran away, but no, from the advice of all the normal people in the world, I was told that I should not hold my parents accountable but should readily forgive them of any indiscretions that may have happened growing-up.  So I have stayed in touch with them never spilling the beans for years. In fact, I never said anything, I mean why bother, suppressed memory syndrome will not hold up in court and anything I do say would be just a lie anyway.  Did I say that already? I seemed to have been able to get that one down very well.  Do you know that I cannot tell you how many times he said that to me during my life.  Do you know how hard I have tried to let it all go because of how lopsided it all has been.  There are more of them then me.  All of society encourages you to "let it go," "get over it," "don't talk about it," "its depressing, I don't want to know," "nobody cares it was years ago, so what, you got raped, get a grip," these are the things that I have been told in the past two years.  Trust me on this one simple fact, I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER or DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS EITHER !  But nobody in my life will let it go, so here I am, telling you my story because I need to find peace of mind.  I no longer care about what anybody else thinks, believe me or don't believe me, it makes no difference to me because it never did cross my mind that I would not be believed.  All you have to do is meet these people and the proof is in the pudding.  I never did talk about it because I am horribly embarrassed by my family and there lack of sexual control.  Hiding your actions is so important, I mean God forbid someone found out that you married a woman 14 years older so you could rape her three children, that had already been raped by the deserting father, or so it seemed.  My step-father to this day is undoing all the things he has ever done to me.  He told me two and a half years ago over a civilized lunch, you know where we "let it all go and get over things," the advice you hear given to anyone who stands against incest, rape, molestation, suffocation, being snuffed, beatings, shall I go on?  Back to the civilized lunch, that my step-father still feels compelled to tell me that he never beat me, nor did he ever lay a hand on me, which that part was true, it was usually his arm around my neck choking me, not his hand around my throat.  I think that may have been my brother.  My step-father always used his belt, never his hand to hit me. I think they called it a spanking not a beating. Spare the rod, spoil the child, if I remember correctly.  I would venture to go out on a limb and say that 30-40 licks with a belt might qualify as a beating.  Welts that took weeks to go down seemed a little more like what one would refer to as a beating not a spanking.  Oh, and lets not forget where he lost control and the buckle drove itself into my skin. 

So what do you say when people just don't understand that you are compelled to bring justice into your life?  Do you say, "shut the fuck up, I am doing this for myself and my own peace of mind because I am sick of the bombardment on my life from these same people today."  Do you say, "Gosh, my kids are there and I cannot do anything about it because I was so stupid so long ago and took all the advice I was given about forgiveness and now my children are suffering at the hands of these monsters?"  Oh wait, they will come up with, "You could go to court and do something if its that bad and if its true?"  I would say to them they are so completely right but the problem is that I never dealt with the trauma myself and I ran out of money trying to uphold the visitation agreement with my ex-husband, it was then he started to take them to be with my mother.  The same mother that will tell you, confession by my second daughter, that she can say that her Grandmother my mother, still to this day or I guess it was a few years now, but just the same, that my says that I am full of demons, that I am possessed and that I am the spawn of Satan, all per my second daughters experience at my mothers home a few years back.  Do you think that that is a healthy environment?  Of course, since nobody would talk or tell you if they were put under scrutiny that this was happening, there is no way to prove it so there for its not happening and I made it up.  All accept for the fact that my two oldest daughters must be interviewed also and then you would find out that they have nothing to do with my mother or family for these reasons.  So now I have to deal with the horror, the fear, the fright, the flashbacks and the reality that I ran as fast as could to get away from what was causing me so much pain and agony at eighteen years old.  Its like playing catch-up, I can't wage a war unless I am fit to war.

I know what my life's calling is. I have been aware of it since I was young, yet nobody supports a life that calls you into the limelight to tell on others. For those of you that are unaware of the ramafications of such actions, you become a traitor to the family.  Not a good thing to do usually, especially when so much is at stake.  You see abuse runs in families, family's like mine. But my mother had a church, that was a cult, so does it not come to light that it would run in the congregation too?  You have incest, molestation, pedophilia, religious abuse, neglect of a severe nature and you have all that I have written up to now on this blog to guide your way through to here. It is a lot of stuff, to much for most to even bother themselves to acknowledge that there is a problem anywhere, let alone right here in front of them.  Most turn their backs because the reality of bringing to light such a case is embarrassing for everyone around, so its better to bury it. The burial has been going for as long as I can remember.  Some people that were directly involved have run off to different corners of the world and believe that if they live there life from there on forward differently, than they will  never get caught for there involvement in such horrific acts.  The upper class don't want to dirty there hands in it because they donated money to the non-profit that my family runs.  Such dismissal on there part is nothing more than killing the story before it can be told.  It is sad to think that all of this runs in the blood of the children that grow up to repeat the entire process of neglect and sexual abuse again.  This just runs from generation to generation, just like it did with my father and then my brother.  For some reason my step-father believes he cannot be held accountable for anything.  As long as he has plausible deniability than not a court in the land can prosecute him. He is correct.  For all of these years and for all the pain-staking hours that I have spent under their scrutiny to see if I remember and to say that they did nothing is all to there benefit.  Not a court in the land will find them guilty of anything, for they have done nothing wrong as far as they are concerned.  They never manipulated or fornicated with church members or with children, they are free and clear, because they said that they are not guilty and cannot ever be held accountable based on repressed memory syndrome.  Aren't you pleased?  Don't you now find that you can breathe easier knowing that they cannot be held accountable by any court of law?  I know that I find great relief in knowing that they were stupid enough to have said this to me so many times that I can now tell you, there is no way in Hell I could have forgotten anything.  I was never given the opportunity to have suppressed memories when all they did was remind me every day that nobody would ever believe me.

I have spent years trying to decide if I should follow my life and the direction of which it calls me.  I have puzzled through many times trying to decide if it would be worth it to stand independently and alone against these monsters.  I have spent hours in quiet solitude trying to rationalize my silence as I watched them continue there abuse on my life.  I agonized over telling anyone the truth of the horrors which I just happen to have survived.  I silenced myself when I decided that the world was not interested in child abuse, neglect, incest or molestation in the eighties when I came of age.  I decided if the world could not raise an eyebrow to this, then how on earth would I tell anyone of what was worse, trying to survive your own death?  Certainly nobody would believe me, let alone be interested as to why I had to fight so hard just to live.  It all makes sense when you put it all together.  You see they were trying to kill me because they had fucked me and I was a baby, the youngest in the household, I was a child, I had no defenses, oh yea, and I made them feel guilty when they looked at me, like I don't know that or I have never been aware.  They hate me, I don't know a different way to put it, other than to tell you that I don't remember my family not hating me. How then could I ever grow-up to inform anyone of such abuse without having to tell the horrors of my survival of having a plastic bag put over my head to have my life taken from me.  Who would believe me? Who could I tell?  I had tried to tell an Elementary School Principle once. They immediately called my parents and had a good laugh about me making things up and confusing real life with nightmares.  Of course, my wonderful and caring parents failed to mention to the principle at the time that I had been taken to a shrink at three years old because I stopped talking to anyone at all.  Do you think that would have made the difference for me?  Do you know how badly beaten I was by my step-father for talking?  So, badly that I never spoke again, until now and I still shake with fear of reprisal.  Have you ever feared anything that has caused you to silence yourself for forty some years?  Are you so out of touch with what I am saying that all you can do is to read and double click away, saying, "That can't have happened."  Or do you feel compelled to tell me to "Get over it?"  I am curious, because today my truth is your nightmare.

Abuse runs a course in a family. It is perpetuated by the silence of the abused and the abusers for obvious reasons.  Unless people begin to realize that it is a voice like mine with an incredible and unbelievable story that can be proved just by introducing yourself to my family members and coming to your own conclusions.  You need to go and say hello to my mother, to my step-father, to my siblings, to my father, ask the tough questions, watch there faces and listen to there reactions.  Know that it is in your court, not mine, I volley and say to you, I would not go to a court of law for justice in this matter if you payed me to attend.  Justice in my life comes from the truth that I write to you.  You see, you are in danger, not I .  I have survived the abuse, neglect and torture but the perpetrators are still active and remember this all runs its course by the abused becoming abusers.  Now you can be scared and wonder, "Do they live next door to me?"  That is the question you need to ask yourself today.  I cannot stop them, nobody will listen to me, but I bet today you will.  I am not on the line anymore.  I have no desire to sue these people for the rampage they have done to my life.  They believe that its all about money for me, its not, it is about the truth being told and holding accountable the liars that have stolen so much from so many people in my life. The only reason I am doing this is to finally tell the truth about my fears, my anxieties, my nightmares and to ensure that in my family, with my children that this ugliness of abusive neglect and sexual promiscuity does not perpetuate itself.  The buck stops here with this one.  I stand in defense of no one, but I stand in the honor of myself to say to you  and to the world that I am not an abuser but I come from abusers that nobody is interested in stopping, all because I have to prove it.   I don't need to prove that two people committed suicide, that trust funds have been lost, that wills have been changed, the proof is not needed by me, I experienced it all live.  I am telling you in all honesty and with fervor, I have to prove nothing because I wear the pain and agony of what they have done to my life everyday.  I live the nightmare, it is my life, regardless of how sad you may find to be, I know no other way.  I was born into this life, I fight for what I believe is right.  It is wrong to do what they have done to me but that is for me to deal with and live through each day, not you.

I do not need a scape-goat, nor do I need to find blame for any of this that has happened.  The blame lies in the laps of the people that have done these things to me.  No proof is needed, it is as easy to see as it is to see the hurt and devastation on me.  But this is not mine to carry anymore, I testify to my own life and my endeavor to follow my calling in continuing to hold a vigil for myself, my survival and my truth to help the fallen.