Saturday, May 28, 2011

What And Why?

Why is it you survive?  Why do you try so hard to get over what has happened to you and yet what has happened to you makes you who you are.  How do you move on from the past when it is slaming you in the face in the present. How do you take life when life delivered you to a monster?  If you don't know love, why is that so bad? If you are the child of a monster, does that make you one?  How do you put one foot in front of another when your flashbacks go live?  How do you stop the pain, when all you know is pain and it hurts all the time?  How do you fight to get back up on your feet, when your feet are tired of running?  How do you do what you promised yourself to do when you were young, when nobody will take the time to listen?  How do you tell a story when the story is your life?  How do you undo your sin, when your sin is being born?  How do you communicate to anyone that a con is still being run today?  How do you tell anyone that you cannot let something go because so many people are still in danger of being manipulated?  How do you do what is so difficult when the nightmares still plague you?  How do you say to anyone that the professionals tell you not to have anything to do with your family because they are so destructive?  How do you stop the destruction of a person, when you cannot get anyone to realize that everyone that has been impacted, ran away after they new it was a con?  How do you tell those people to stop hiding and being embarrassed their losses and to suck it up so that other people don't suffer the same?  How do you stop this train, when nobody ever stands against what harmed them? How do you show compassion for all of these same people when they are the people that caused you so much harm?  How do you explain who you are and that you are missing so much because you don't know love?  How do you tell your older sister to stop telling you she is so sorry you did not have a childhood, when you believe you did, it was just so different?  How do you tell your sister when she starts to tell you all that you are missing, that you don't feel at all bad about it because if you don't know your missing it, you don't know what you are missing.  So, it doesn't matter if I missing something, I don't know what it is.  Why does my life make people cry? Why can't I just stop the madness so nobody else gets hurt?  Why can't I do what I need to do? Why am I so incapable?  Why can't I get anyone's help to stop or look at anything that has happened?  Why does life deliver to you the gift of breath if while I am using this gift I cannot do anything for anyone but myself?  Why do we have flashbacks, if we can't understand what to do with them? Why do we survive, if when we do, we just are meant to go on like all of you?  How can we go on like all of you, if we are survivors of severe neglect, no love, abuse, rape and incest? If I don't have what you have to ground myself with, how is it that I am meant to be acceptable to you if what grounds me is unexplainable?  If you don't know love, then how is it you are meant to know anything else?  If it matters so much then why don't people take the time to show you what it is you are missing?  If I survived so that I could defend my life as an adult, then why would being loved even matter?  If it is so troublesome to listen to my story, then why do you want to always know about horror? Why is it that society doesn't thrive and prosper on the positive?  Why is it people look for the most tragic and horrible stories to report?  Why is is everybody tunes in to these and not to the healthy stories?  Why is it a problem I learned how to be from the brady bunch? Where are you meant to learn family values if they are taught like mine were?  Where do you turn for help, when help never came for you?  How do you do it all, when it all is robbed from you so you cannot do anything? How do you help anyone when nobody will admit there is a problem?

Pain Runs So Deep

Throughout my life I have been very quiet about the real horrors of my childhood.  My brother does not speak on it either.  I wrote a letter five years ago and my brother read it.  He burst into tears and ran outside of the apartment I had at the time.  After composing himself, he came back in and sat down across from me.  He said, "I had no idea that you remembered." 

We did not talk further on the subject.  It was very quick.  However, it testifies so clearly about the pain that runs so deep inside of us both.  I have already written one book.  I am going to be working on self-publishing this novel of poetic verse.  I wrote it so that I could express the pain in me. I wrote it in hopes that I can help women, men, girls and boys to not get over trauma, but to work through the trauma of molestation, incest, rape and neglect.  My book, An Independent Mind, Knot Logic, is the first of a series of books I would like to write.  As I become more comfortable with the pain of all that is inside of me, I hope to write in regular verse the stories of the past.  Through this venue I will heal the pain within my mind that has kept all of this so secretive. I will do this by helping others and speaking of cults, Churches and the pain of neglect.  I continue to try to believe that I can use all that I have been through to help other people to move through the trauma of cults, rape, incest, neglect and abuse.