Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Standing for Justice is not a crime. It is a risk!

I survive a life of disbelief. My mother was right when she told me at a very young age, no matter what happens or how much time passes, no one will ever believe you if you try to tell your side of the story.  My step-father would say that if I went to the authorities that I could not prove anything that he had done to me.   I have never gone to the authorities for any of what has happened to me.  Why bother to do anything with the law.  I was born into this nightmare, I would not know how to prove any of the abuse I suffered anyway.  I really don't know any different or have something healthy to compare it to. 

Cult leaders are real and very damaging to their offspring.  If we are not able to find justice in this world, than how do you find retribution? 

I can express myself and have been blessed with some intelligence that makes me capable to go day by day, slowly making my way through this madness.  Each passing day is getting me further through the nightmare that was created for me and that makes me that much closer to holding them accountable in a public venue just like this one. So I guess I am progressing regardless.

Never under estimate the fight that an adult child belonging to a malignant narcissistic person will put up.  Never tell them that they cannot do something to stop the abuse or expose the torture. Never walk into that persons life and say that you knew that they had had a terrible childhood and then turn your back and walk away.  Never tell them that you witnessed their step-father hitting you so hard that the welts on the two year olds arm made them cry and that that girl was you.   Never tell them that you were witness to the severe neglect that they suffered as a child and then do nothing to support their trying to come to terms with the abuse.  Never come back into that persons life just to say to them that you knew they had secrets as a teenager  and then continue to tell them that you knew back then that they were hiding something from everyone. Never tell them to just accept the fact that this has all happened and to get over it, its done, and you cannot change the past, grow-up.  Never talk behind their backs, gossiping about their lives.  Never steal their children from them, it is unkind to do to an already devastated human being.  And by the way it has a name, it is called Parent Alienation.

With this being said never go on with your life and believe that the person you have done this to, the person that is now the adult child of a monster, will ever let the wrongs you have committed against her or her children go unaddressed.  Never assume that since there is no fight against their family that one day there won't be a fight against you.  Never assume that after you use the adult child of a malignant narcissist for your own gain and for your own use of narcissistic energy, that the day won't come that they will not stand up and say enough is enough to you.  It is one thing to put up with so much from one's family, it is quite another to be the garbage can for other people that prey upon you.   Why would I allow those people in my life that have harmed me off the hook?

I will continue to speak out and tell the public that narcissists, malignant narcissists and enablers need to be exposed for who and what they are doing to innocent lives.   People like the ones that I have known will never stop their destructive ways and who knows you may be the next victim. 

In the end it begins to make sense to me why nobody that I knew helped me to come to terms with the severe neglect and abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  By helping me to expose my family for their abuse against me, these so called "Friends" would be exposing themselves as monsters too. It seems that until you can begin to identify the problem you attract more of the same in your life. So, not having any place to go to spend a little time healing right now in my life has proven to be very difficult, but I guess I should have expected it.  I mean, really, the push towards homelessness is selfishness on their part. My so called friends just do not want me to expose them  and put them into the same category as my mother and step-father.  If I was ever to find a stable environment then god knows what would happen, I might get well and begin to blog about them too.  I might even become successful as an advocate against the narcissist, malignant narcissist and enabler still at large.  I would be able to put things together and write the book that exposes the lie that is the life they are leading as well. I may be able to recover all that I have lost.  I know that people of this low and bottomless character believe that because you cannot see the abuse they perpetrate daily on human lives, that they can get away with it due to its subtlety. I know that they giggle to themselves, touting how intelligent they are and how proud they are to cause such despair and strife with the person right in front of them.  They revel in the fact that they cannot be caught, this is arrogance on there part. 

Who better to expose Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists and Enablers than the offspring of such monsters.  The author of the book  "People of the Lie," should know that he could study my family and have many of his unanswered questions answered.  Evil is up and running and I encourage any interested parties to study it. Just know that it never changes, it only evolves. They have become pathologically morbid over the past five years.  I do not doubt there words and neither should you discount what you may face should you choose to pursue this investigation into the study of what is truly evil, my family. I spend much of my time being aware of what they are capable of doing to me again. These are the words of my sister, communicating to me on Facebook. These are her posts to me, my eldest sister, Tamara:

  "....mom really is an abuser, especially concerning you. stay away from her...i don't understand why any mother wished so much ill on her own children, but she does'."

"she has lied and i just don't know how papa let her continue for so long...or why."

"and by the way...of course i know what she did....and she wants to do it again."

A short study of my own life would prove very quickly that I know personally how this is all played out in the daily life of one of these monstrous human beings. Being knowledgeable is paramount when facing such destructive behavior your entire life. My past confirms that I have had a lot of experience with these types of people.  This is very important and extremely crucial to the independent person that is going to take on such a task as exposing them to the public.  As soon as these very deceitful and rotten people know that you have turned on them, that is when you really begin to see the face of destruction and evil  itself.  For they cannot stand to loose.  They must win at all costs.  Being wise to this fact should bring a reality into your life that will sober your ancestors in their graves as we speak.

Bringing to light this diabolical behavior that I have endured for so long seems to be empowering my life.  I will finally be able to see why I am the continual target of these narcissistic and malignant narcissistic people. I am hoping to stop the abuse from the family regime.  Who better to stand and preach against the wrongs of society putting up with these monsters, than the daughter and Granddaughter of ministers that has been in public service since  birth.   Naturally having a talent or propensity as a motivational speaker, identified by the very people whom she will confess, makes this even more interesting to witness.  Who better to push the envelope and regardless of the threats that come into their life will continue to write and to walk the path of justice, than the daughter of a malignant narcissistic or medically known as a Sociopath cult leader.  Who would have more information and be able to undo what has been done to you, if brainwashing is what you suffer from, than the daughter of the brainwasher herself.  Who better to decipher the language spoken by narcissists and malignant narcissists alike, than the daughter that had to become so well-versed in what was not spoken or she would be beaten by the step-father beginning at a very young age. Who better to step up to the plate in life and swing away, than the scapegoat daughter of a malignant narcissistic cult leader from the sixties that is still up and running the con who is continuing to impose the lie on other peoples lives today.  Who better to stand and speak publicly than the mother of the children that were taken from her, given to a monster and left to be tortured by the torturer herself, my mother.  Who better can be the one who says to you, my children need help, they are in the fight of their lives and nobody will help me to help them to get away from these monsters today.  This active and diseased lifestyle that is lived by my mother and step-father will not heal on its own accord, it will only fester and destroy more evolving as it progresses.

The restraining order that my step-father , mother  and half-sister put against me is conveniently up in March of 2012, when my son is a Senior in High School. So in the five years since they have gone to live with their father, three of those years they have spent at my mothers for extended amounts of time.  I hope that you never suffer at the hands of a Malignant Narcissistic person. As an F.Y.I. they will never stop the attack on the offspring or the person that stands for difference and change. However, thankfully I have the natural skills to defend myself. Nature has afforded me this small favor. 

We are not inept as the offspring of these monsters but rather have evolved in order to survive. We are the next generation, for better or for worse, nature has seen us through successfully.  Just as evolution evolves over millions of years, we have progressed naturally in one generation. Do not dismiss us and do not deny us without reminding yourself that we are the flesh and blood of monstrous creatures first.  Nature would not birth us to the very monster without preparing us to be the more intelligent and possibly more deceitful of the two.  This makes much more sense to me, than thinking that we are incapable victims of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or step-parents.  We are just horribly hurt individuals that are under constant attack from the people that have raised us and have a thirty year jump on our lives. They never stop the abuse, it just becomes worse and the torture unbearable. We, the offspring of, can be wise in our actions before we too step forward with our own judgment of humanity though.

 So while my peers enjoy a day at the beach or a pleasant vacation, I spend my days working through the reality that only a flashback can deliver to you in full and audible horror.  I am healing from the very real and abusive life that I have experienced.  Not so I can go to the beach or on a vacation, never acknowledging the horrors of my life and the damages that my family has now done to my children.  I am healing so that I can continue to move forward and move up the ladder of success to become the voice of the innocent to stop the abuse.  To expose to the public each and every  person that has perpetrated such heinous acts of destruction upon my life and the lives of others that are now dead.

I have been told by the Christian regime that we are only here for our own pleasure. If we are not here for any other reason than to pleasure our own selves with life, I then accept that gracefully, however I believe that people who think this thought are full of selfishness themselves and what kind of judgment would you pass on them if you knew their names?  I simply announce to whom may be interested, that the pleasure I get out of life is the free writing and the exposure of the person that is selfishly living the life of the lie.  I enjoy telling you that I am excited today because I am still alive and did not have to think about the people that have committed suicide over my mother.  I enjoy telling you that I am pleased that I have survived so much and I really enjoy the fact that I can share the snuff I experienced at a very young age that failed in its attempt to take my life.

I will or will not write a book about the terrors of my life, who knows and really who cares in the end other than myself.  By blatant disregard every person who reads or has heard my plea is responsible in this life to stop the pain and the strife caused by these monsters that actually seem to be everywhere it seems.  Children disappear everyday, some are murdered, some are lost and some are never found. I write because I can and it makes me know that I exist, I am a life and I do matter, if for not just myself, for the children that no one has ever heard from due to their mystery deaths or simple disappearances from society at large. I had one person tell me that I wrote a piece of poetry that has stuck in his head and caused him nightmares.  He cannot get me off his mind. I write what comes to my mind, it is not something I re-read or edit, it is just raw and flows much like a conversation would should you ever meet me.  This way  I can work out the anger and rage that I have towards the people that have harmed me and my children thus far.  Why be silent anymore.  The reason for silence is to protect the lives of others, I have no one to protect anymore.  It is now an open book.  Destruction can go both ways in life.  Some would say that by writing the wrongs committed against me or my children I am being destructive and vengeful.  I don't feel this way, but I accept that opinion as fact.  For I feel that lack of remorse, lack of pity, lack of compassion is more destructive to the daughter of a malignant narcissist than any other action can ever be.  This is because it makes her mother right in the end. People are not worth your time, nor your care of their existence.  I would like to feel as if my mother was wrong. But thus far she seems to have hit the nail on  the head. 

But, I believe in magic and with a little luck, I may be able to trust again, we will see how it all plays out, for the support of only one person could change it all for me in an instance.  That is what kind of person I am, I am not what my mother is, I am not a believer in her cult/church.  I am my own person, with my own opinions, I just have yet to be or see anyone that would like to show me everything that I seem to be missing.  I know evil well, I grew-up with it.  I just need to see and experience what is good so that I can know that it exists and is not just a ploy to destroy you further. 

Truth will win out in the end.  Good or Bad, it does not matter, for it is in the truth of things that you find the liberty to be free and to find the confidence to be yourself, whoever that may end up being.  It is difficult to be who you are in a World that judges, points fingers and says, "I don't believe you and I never will."

My quotes are for my Uncle and my cousin to know that I wrote five years ago.  Just in case he should happen across my blog , I want him to know me and what I have written for him.

"Silence is golden until you speak and then you go Platinum! "

"The impossible is the possible just waiting to happen."

Blind Sided by what has a 30 Year jump on me: Parental Figures!!

Blind-sided in a quiet field.

A peace that was found was blown away by that moment of reality.  Recovery is something we do to survive but as we begin to stand I become leery of all that is around me.

How can history repeat itself so easily? 

Is the end only a dam that will soon break too?

Will you be forced down a torrent wall of water smashing into rocks cutting you with the sharp edges? 

The sting follows as the numbness where’s off.  You go in and out of a comatose state wondering if you are dreaming or could this nightmare be true!!

Will the end ever arrive?

Does life ever ease you into a calming environment?

Or, just as its been, do you float aimlessly around in the temporary comfort exploring your newly found home? 

As you begin to warm in the comfort of your new home you feel that familiar yet terrifying pull.  At first, you do not strain but as this feeling becomes stronger and attitudes seem to be changing directly in front of you, your terror becomes horror.  As you realize the inevitable is about to happen!  The knawing teeth, the smashing wall of words, the impending fear of drowning is all of this madness is happening again!!

Is it him?

Why can’t life be kind?

How much must one bare before it becomes to much? 

Where is the limit found?

Where is the switch to turn “it” off? 

"Where is the gage to measure the pain?"

A sort of calculator to monitor what you know you can take.  So much frustration built up inside of me.  So much anger and fear.  The hope of knowing love seems completely lost.  Yet occasionally I tap into it and see the hope of knowing what may possibly be for me.  Those moments are precious and few, but they are there for me to experience and see.

"Will I ever find that fountain or just experience drops of joy?"

Communication and sharing are my weaknesses. Trust is my enemy.  My heart is buried in a deep and dark grave.  Afraid to be born, yet dreading an eternity of loneliness.  My mind is a mire of sadness and despair. I cannot find the words to express myself.  Chances and gambles are what I like to choose. There is safety there.  Living and breathing is what makes me feel alive in this world.  

Reality can never be avoided, but it can be overlooked for kindness' sake!

I fight so hard to heal and yet I seem to still be in the mix of things.  It is so difficult to separate yourself from the same type of people you were raised with so long ago.  Another blogger said it so beautifully, "I was raised around these narcissistic people and now I live amongst them."  To be raised by monsters is one thing but to continually end up in the midst of their lives is quite another. I was glad to see that someone else faces the same challenges as I do.  In the meanwhile I made another error in judgment and relied upon the words of another human being to get me through a tough spot in my life.  They changed their mind .saying, "I don't want to do it anymore, it's different now." 

It is funny how monsters seem to speak the same creative language of blame, hate, projecting and negativity.  Everything is always your fault and the way they set up the conversations of the day almost brings you entertainment if it weren't so sick. They love to put everything on your shoulders.  Everything being anything that will draw a reaction from you.  In my case I have relied upon a person to keep their word about what they said that they would do for me.  I was extremely clear in the beginning and even said that I don't want to experience the change of heart, so if you don't think that you will be able to carry through, tell me now.  Being with a sociopath knowingly you have to take the good with the bad in order to get through.  I was able to hang in there for eighteen years, you would think I could make it a couple more months.

They love to get your goat by taking away what they have never given.  This only works when they have given anything at all.  As soon as you recognize or know that a sociopath is not free to give anything it helps your mind to navigate through what they have set-up as the daily grind of your existence.  Everybody pays a toll for everything, nothing is freely given.  I am all alone in this world and I am reminded of it everyday by a person that is kind enough to make me aware of my situation.  My family lives within 15 miles of wear I am temporarily staying. They have told so many lies in the past few years that it is disheartening to say the least.  To be reminded of your very sad life by a person claiming to be a friend during a very sorted time is such a grim reminder of what is just over the Golden Gate Bridge in the city by the bay.

I have the confidence that I will not fall prey to their constant barrage for attention. For I am reminded daily of the sociopaths behavior. It is hard when faced with the reality everyday that you have no one to speak to in your daily life.  That you are literally down to one person and in order to make new friends you would have to explain your current situation.  It's like living in a corked bottle.  Making friends at my age is nearly impossible to do, especially with the past that I am currently dealing with.  Each day is an adventure in how I will deal with the onslaught of flashbacks, triggers and unwanted words from the one last person in my life. Who, of course, is what? The same type of person that I was brought up with. 

So in order to break away from this present situation, I have to gain the confidence in myself to know that I will have absolutely nobody that I can call on the phone to say, "Hey, you want to go for a coffee?"  Its funny how we stay in damaging situations just so we will not be so absolutely alone.

I must take solace then, in the fact that I have a wonderful shrink who cares about my existence each week.  And that I made a promise to my youngest daughter that I would be the Mom of her dreams.  We are currently separated by my family and ex-husband.  I am all out of money for another court battle.  But I can keep going, one step at a time, regardless of what this monster said to me today.  I can continue to do the best I can each and every day.

Why is it so hard to shake free of these predators?  What is it that they get out of torturing us?  This one knows that I have absolutely no one that I can call or turn to help and yet he just says with such callousness, "That is not my problem, you are not welcome to stay here."  It's not like I don't know that I cannot stay here permanently, I am not a complete idiot.  But boy, oh boy does he like to rub it in.  All because he likes the panic in my face as I fret right in front of him about living alone.  I have been writing some very difficult and bitter truths about my life and I am afraid to be by myself because of all of the past threats of death.  He knows it because he has been in my life for the past five years as all of this ugliness has unfolded itself.  He knows every aspect and yet he will still say, "You need to learn to be alone, you need to just get over it and realize you are an adult." 

Why he feels the urge to tell me what I need to do, while he offers with one hand and slaps me with the other is just what narcissists do, so why should I be surprised.  He is projecting onto me what he sees in the mirror each morning, his own inadequacies and failures. 

Silence is Golden until it is broken. That is when you go Platinum!!

Survival of the Fittest

Of course the loneliness is never gone,
cast out into the World wrong.
Never loved or held for long,
they walk on in and out again.

Extending the proverbial hand,
just to lie and upset me once again.
I stand so strong to walk on through
experiences that happened too.

I hold the vigil up for you,
never will I break into
the lives of people to destroy
who and what they are right now.

I move on and up I go
moving forward and going from
destructive natures needing repair
you destroy my life, my mind, my son.

All because Lauren stands so strong.
Just like me she will not bend her knee
to pray to a godless world
ruled by humans that are so cruel.

Learning that "The End" is only "The Begin" for me: Puzzling

The journey that I have been on has been a means to an end.  What I have learned is that finding the end has been the means for me to begin my journey.

Taken our innate ability to discover pleasure in an act, taking that act and coercing those around you to facilitate the act for your pleasure, under the pretense of enlightening their minds by introducing them to an act that will create pleasure.  Never during the introduction did you include the consequence, which must be paid for such an act, your desire out weighted any consequences. Your diversion to enjoy the act of pleasure will have the highest price, simply because of your selfishness.  The minds that you deceived still will pay the price for their deception.  Every price will be a different toll, choosing to pay the toll or not will determine the vehicle used to exit the act.  This is not a question of enlightenment, right or wrong, true or false, good or evil, these are the vehicles that we choose to excuse or explain the act to ourselves and enables you to rationalize that choice you made under the influence of deception. The outcome remains the same; the future contains the knowledge that enables the ability of choice to determine our continued growth and the rate at which we grow. Change is inevitable, time has provided the knowledge to understand this fact. Accepting that every action has a reaction and your ability to choose directly influences the reaction, then your understanding will make your minds capable to take, accept and be responsible for that which you have acted on. Those that have chosen the vehicle of deception, as a reason to be involved in an act, now know that by choosing ignorance as a vehicle, have knowingly ended their ability to continue to grow.

"Choice" is a freedom that provides "Time" to determine the outcome.  To remove the freedom of choice and replace that with destiny or any other absolute will only in turn allow "Time" to deliver an outcome.  The outcome will reveal that the presumption "to know" or have knowledge and understanding of a specific act is only ignorance on their part and the allowance of that to perpetuate it. The understanding and belief in the freedom of choice will be subjective to the same determination and outcome that Time will provide.  It is these provisions in Time and the acknowledgement that the unknown has become the known and the fact that dreams have become reality in the past, which makes our imaginations the key. This understanding will provide our minds with the ability and nourishment to grow that any life form requires.  Our continued growth and ability to change has proven to be the key to our success, domination has been the result.  Our presumption I suppose.

Understanding that Driver’s are innately part of our very structure as a human being, than you will accept that the answer to questions evolves at the rate of our ability to ask the question. 

Just as in mathematics, it presents a problem that will need to have a solution. This allows the understanding needed for our minds to realize that it is the actual problem that will deliver the answer.  Realizing that the equation is simply Time.

Remember Too

You know what you knew!
but, you did not know you knew.
So, you did it again.

We began because we did not know why?
I only knew you.
We knew that we did not know,
but, we forgot to remember,
to remember again.

To remember to forget,
so in case we got caught.
We could not say what we knew,
for we forgot,
what we are supposed to do.

That's what two kids do when they are lost and cannot be found. 
They are invisible again, like hearts and souls.

To be....

I can see the ages in passing,
by the road that I hitched a ride on.
To the other side!


You weren't there.
Why do you declare?
Get a clue!
Salvation is not yours, it's mine.

I don't call your name,
you are screaming mine.
Echoing throughout time,
I hear your calling, Why?


Leave me alone!
I don't even have a phone.
I watch nothing but the running show inside my mind,
to know the past as it happened to me, audible, NO!!
You said you would be here,
you said you would not choke,
you told me of the other men.
I won't go.

See ya!
Run from the memories,
drop a dime.
Collect Calls need an Operator.
No one believes in working.

Remember your promise?
I do.
You said in a life long ago that pain and agony would be... drone.
Here we go again.

I hate you and I will rule your domain.
Push and I shall conquer.
Never quiting, only to retain your bile in containment of disease.
Viral infection is me.

go find what cannot be known.
Memory of me?
Fuck you and say this for all
I am.

Dark Lords have fallen for this Earthly existence.
As the words flow and the robes burn the color of rouge.
I set a snare.
Becoming aware of the dangers out there.


I find that by my own prowess shall be
what I am, what I do.
Scared, of coarse,
that's Me as usual.

Love not hate,
rules this accord
hear my ROAR!!

This is the
 Voice of Mad

To Whom it may Concern

I do not know you, I wish I did.  I ask you to bless this girl.  I pray you to place your hand, your breath, your warmth and love over each of my children.

Rain will wash away and cleanse us of all our disappointments and wrong doings to one another!  Let it rain and make room for the sunshine that will warm us and let us grow.

Life is beautiful for all of us.  That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger.  Strength is all around us.  Each of my children holds a key to open any door they wish to explore.  I know this because I have placed in each of them a safe place for peace and satisfaction.  A non-judgmental spot for me and them.  The sparkle in their eyes and spark in their souls light the way.  They will take destiny and change it to what they desire.  If I could wish anything for my children I wish for them happiness and never to experience loneliness.

I miss them on days like this one.

By the selection of Death itself, I speak!

Death is a state of being that will deliver to you the birth of remembrance. Enjoying the sight to see your life with the clarity of a singular mind, yours. There is no God at Death Court. There is only the ones that you fear and speak readily of in the Church's today. Although you enjoy saying that Satan, the Devil are one in the same, they are not. Each Demon, each Spirit of the Underworld has their own identity, their own name and therefore their own claim. It is not a simple means to die. It is full of complications and proof must be provided to all that you have to claim that you believe makes you innocent or free from sin. This is not a cake walk by any means. Nor, do you get a free ride into Heaven for the Picnic, serving fried chicken on a checkered table cloth for the rest of eternity. This is just not so.  

All because in my last life, I walked straight up to God and shot him dead for the crappy life he gave me to live.  So, he is dead to me and after being told your possessed your entire life by your Christian Cult Leader Mother and Stepfather I really don't give a rats ass about your Christianity and your fouled belief of reality. I was told so many times that I am 666, The Beast, my youngest son and daughter under the age of 18 now tell others publicly they are the beast, not I. 

All I know is that I am not sorry that I did what I did, at least I fought for myself because to be given such an incredibly horrible existence is not forgive able by a simpleton like me.  And now my daughter wants the BEAST to be Tattooed in Chinese on her side to support her mother in this madness that the Christian Cult Parents I was so blessed with began.

I write so that I can respect the only one that knows better but I want him to understand my pain without prejudice as to why I am not following what I was raised to do.  It is my Mother's Brother, MY Uncle, who will one day discover my blog and rise against his sister.  That is my hidden hope. I want him to know they called me 666 and told me I was possessed with Demons my entire young life.  I never spoke or told anyone for fear of being beaten yet again by my Step-Father, Hugh Meakin.   Because their parents, my Grand parents were Ministers for the ASSEMBLY of God, a real religion, not a made of cult called Christ Bearers Chorale Congregation established down the street from my mothers sole supporter, Jim Jones.  I want my uncle to know I am a good girl, just very confused as to who is correct and who is incorrect after so many years of this type of abuse.  So I finally went against what I was being taught because I felt that taking another's life and destroying it for purposes of financial gain was wrong.

And I know one day he will be able to explain to me why I am alright, just upside down in my belief.  All because I feel I am good and they are evil, I just don't know how to communicate better than I am trying to do everyday since March 14 of 2011.  I am a good girl and my children are better, but still suffering at the  hands of these monsters today.

The question is, "What would you have done at two years old?"