Sunday, June 5, 2011

Car Sick?

I went on a ride in the car today and we were on a winding, mountain road. It reminded me of when I was young and we would go to Stinson Beach.  The road to this particular beach is so winding and goes on for miles and miles it is just nightmarish. I don't care how beautiful it is on the scenic California Coast, I would rather drop dead then go on that road again.  There are turn-outs so that cars can pass you if you are going to slow. It is a two lane road and you must be a patient driver to be able to withstand the length of the drive.

What reminded me today of what had happened was so ridiculous.  I became instantly sick to my stomach and in less than a second had a flashback about this treacherous road.  Thinking on the trip when I was very small. The same thing happened, I got car sick, very car sick.  My step-father was driving and I am not sure he had been in that position very long.  He is also fourteen years younger than my mother, so his patience for a small child was not long.  But, I will never forget him yelling at me and getting so angry, saying that it was ridiculous and absurd that I was sick.  There was no reason for it and if I just knew how to look out the window properly (he is British) than I would not be at all ill.

I am not sure of my exact age, I was young.  They had to stop the car for me to puke.  It was quite the inconvenience and I was told that I was doing it for attention.  My mother never defended me, not one time during any ordeal actually.  She sat and smiled at the entire affair. Pleased that she no longer had to put up with such stupidity on her own.  I don't know about you, but windy roads still make me ill.  Now I become more ill because the flashback makes the entire first experience live again.  What a nightmare to keep living.  All because you are never meant to get car sick in the first place.  By the way, you are not meant to make any noise when you sneeze either.  As per my step-father who beat me for any reason he could think of, always at the time of his frustration with life or family or any other moment of rage.

The Truth Of Tragedy

I found out the other day that the members of my mothers congregation knew my father.  I had no idea that the reason for the divorce was a disagreement between my mother and the man on my birth certificate over starting a church.   He did not believe in taking advantage of other people to make money.  Apparently this was my mothers plan from the get go.  I also did not know that the members of the congregation were against the divorce from the beginning, it went against Gods word.

What I was wondering then, was if my step-father came into the picture as a nanny for my mothers children, then would they not have been against marrying the nanny.  My step-father was the nanny before they were divorced and I thought the divorce was over him.  I guess it is all smashed together in my head, it was such a short time in between my father leaving and my step-father moving in.  In fact, I am fairly certain that there was an overlap in there somewhere, which has caused the confusion that I suffer from.  What I was thinking about today is if they (my now parents) are such up-standing Christians, is it not against Gods instructions to have extra-marital affairs?  I am fairly certain of that one and the one about having sex before marriage.  I know the reason she originally got married was she was pregnant with my older sister.  It was a shotgun marriage, it took place very quickly. I do remember she and my now step-father sleeping together before my then father had left the home.  This was all because he had gone away one night and I went to crawl in bed with my mother and was very promptly thrown out by a strange man.  The bedroom was locked after that, permanently.

I was told by my older sister that the man on my birth certificate is not my father. I know that several years ago when his (my father) mother died he found a picture that he thought was me while cleaning out her house.  He went around for several days saying to everyone helping him, "look a picture of my youngest daughter."  Eventually he turned it over and it had the wrong name on it, it had my little sisters name.  He freaked and started to count back the years to figure out if it was possible that my step-father was my father.  After some amount of time and a lot of counting he figured out that it was quite impossible.  The step-father did not come into our lives as a nanny until I was three.  My father felt very relieved that this man was not my father.  It turns out that my fathers relief was only the fact that this man was not my father, apparently someone else may be my actual father, he just does not know who it is.  He shared the entire story with me, it did upset me a little bit and we were on the phone at the time so he could not see my face turn a ashy white color. I was not sure what to say, so I didn't say anything.

I am not sure why exactly I was thinking about all of this today. It is odd to know that in a church that is meant to have a church leader that is an example to all, that it all began around so much controversy.  I can tell you it is most definitely a cult, it is identified as a cult still today.  However, how do all the original members find it so easy to blame my mother for absolutely everything when they were privy to so much.  It was starting to make more sense to me why nobody will speak to me because it seems that I cause a rather big issue.  I have contacted lots of people from my youth trying to put it together in my mind a bit better.  All accept for two of them refuse to speak to me.  In fact, they have told the two that it causes them to much stress and the worry I will tell my mother I am speaking to them.  In doing so they fear she will begin to harass them again.  I know that my mother hires private investigators to find these old church members.  But what has me curious today is what on earth are all of these people hiding? 

Out of all of my siblings I am the scape-goat child or blame child of the crew.  I feel as if my older sister and younger sister are the golden child, just separated by seventeen years and a marriage to two different men.  I do not know if that is possible with a Narcissistic Mother, but it does seem to be the character that each of them portrays.  I have always been the child left in the dark or better put, raised in a bubble.  I have always accepted the blame for everything, I never really thought differently about any of that until now.  What are they all hiding and why collectively have I gotten the cold shoulder and the silent treatment from absolutely everybody involved.  It all seem to start five years. Wouldn't it be odd if what I have written about is not just true but extremely accurate.  I know they fear I will write a book about my life.  This is what brought on the "lets ignore and abandon Karen yet again."   I had not written a book at that time.  I have completed one book in the past month, I am still working on editing and deciding exactly what I want to do with it, it happens to be in poetic verse.  It tells the story and is in chronological order, you just would have to know how to read it that way I suppose. 

My shrink says that if I wrote a book about my life that it would be a best-seller.  I was thinking about all of that today and I was wondering if what I have written is as accurate as I feel it is and as I am trying to decide how to handle this wonderful investigation into my youth, it continues to turn up story after story that match-up with my memories perfectly.  I used to wonder if what was in mind was true?  I used hope that it was not my life. I used to try to talk myself into the fact that I had just watched a bad movie and that it was really somebody else's life or something along those lines.  The further I go, the more real it becomes to me, that sadly it is my life.  It is funny that they all gave me the silent treatment and the cold shoulder.  It was just like being three or four years old when I was so alone and the exact same treatment had happened to me for different reasons.  Much to long of a story to tell here today.  But, oddly enough it was this treatment that they began to give me five years ago that started the flashbacks and the curiosity of "Is what I keep seeing in my brain really what happened to me, please tell me that this cannot be true." I said this to myself and every step that I have taken for the past five years has only concreted this horrific fact. I wrote this a few years ago and it sure does measure up to what I am feeling today, it is titled, "Nothing Said."

The rolling tape in my brain dead head,
shows pictures of all, they just aren't dead,
in spirit or mind or soulful dread,
pictures showing with nothing said.

I wonder if I had known that it would have only proven it all to be true, as oppose to trying to prove to myself that it was not true, would I have still gone on this journey to find out the truth of my life that was playing in my head driving me absolutely nuts.  Since my mother is obviously into extra and pre-marital affairs, I do wonder who my father may be.  I  guess that is what started me writing today.  Maybe there is hope that I am not totally related to this entire mess.  A small blessing would be the ray of light I need in my life to find out what hope actually may be.  What a sad state of affairs if so many people know the truth of what I have written about in poems and they just will not step up to the plate and testify to it.  My best friend from three or so committed suicide over all of this tragedy.  What human beings will do to hide the truth amazes me today.