Showing posts with label Severe P.T.S.D.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Severe P.T.S.D.. Show all posts

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Evidence Of A Daily Chore



The gush of the Solar System, the deafening crash goes silent just like that.....it's over.  The ride of write, the listened tether, the ink in feather, to complete what only nothing proves, darkness intrudes.

As if the flush of aborted life, caused to much strife, the death was unbeknownst.

The violent struggle, a tangled web, the lies grew into disguised, a mask of survive, the rubble torn mind, a hiding fight, noise gave sound too might.

Taller one must know, forget their words enhance the form, the chain in barrel, a snake scare coiled fright, the repetitious began to balance better clarity, increased sight, no glass despair, the felt brought no dare, fifty-two pickup takes twice.

That proof? Never wait, double check, a safe distance will be provide to never dance and always know.

The cold concrete, the pebble burrows, in my back, I rack!!

The pain today, agony long lasts, moments ago, it shows!!

Beaten for price, belts buckled, across my back, knees go black, the bruises under skin of clothes, the nervous tension did have toes, curled -up in rooms with droves, congregations flack.

Story told, breakfast rolled, denial smug, no eyes to blight, just another bread and butter fork and knife,
the spoon did scoop, the restaurant napkin held my throat, the guttural reaction did not work.

This time had passed, older no wiser, just dumb to facts, that my stepfather never seemed to lack.

If I was given charge to do it, he spoke...it would be done.

Bitter chill of heard, alarms alarmed I also reared, directly out of place in sat, that face of hatred, red scathed, came from behind and choked me to the wood grained floor, the thread bearen oriental carpet snare.

All for one and one is done, breathing crazed, I blare!!!

Murder is murder, a statute of life, the scores of marked ravaged beatings, the slammings against bolted door, the misses, the hits, the aims, the strangling, you did what you did and it is just not right, this body will prove your guilty, whether I'm dead or alive or you kill this site.



Saturday, March 8, 2014

Look What I Found on PandaHi ~ Apple Bites

The Secret of the Universe is Choice!

Posting ID : B1010889653
Date Posted : 2012-11-12
Group : General Community

I have been telling my story on my Google Blog. I began the blog in 2008 and the full name is The Secret of the Universe is Choice! A malignant narcissist can make one. However, due to the fear of what my family told me they would do to me should I ever speak about what had happened I did not begin to really write on the blog until March of 2011. Since this date I have had an enormous amount of support, over 46,000 reads to date, which to many may not be a big deal, but to me it is overwhelming and I want to make sure I say thank you. I receive anonymous emails thanking me for writing, stating that it has touched their lives in a very personal way. It seems that many people have been hurt as children and I worry that abuse like that still is going on because nobody seems to talk about or expose the perpetrators. My abuse happened with the Church as their protector, it seems that you can do anything, to anyone if God approves. 

I would love to have you look at my Facebook Page and should you like it that would be even better. It seems there are so many people reading my blog but when it comes to putting yourself out there where your name may be seen, people stall. I don't really blame them, it took me years to tell my story because I was embarrassed and in truth had a problem with people knowing how severe the abuse really was. Due to the Suicide's of friends, members of the Church, this is what pushed me to speak. 

Gaining support for Severe P.T.S.D. is difficult, but I hope that I am able to support you should you just hear me say today, "I believe you."
Courtesy of: http://www.pandahi.com/1010889653.html 

~

It is funny what you run across that you may have forgotten that you have written.  A big thank you to PandaHi!! It is a fantastic reminder of myself, my thoughts and of the fact that everything is recorded somewhere.  I guess it is that big 'cloud' that I spoke of in yesterdays post.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

It Changed Me

The other day something said,
so random the words did roll,
off the tongue of whom should know,
know better than to just plain hurt.

The sting of what was done,
the pain brought on was berserk,
primal nature came to protect,
the downward spiral was at such a depth,
the pain was deathly.

Who would have thought that sharing fun,
would leave you feeling over-run,
the instant of was like a hammer,
driven deeply with words of slammer.

Up I got and off I went,
tried to recover this horrid thought,
I know I'm far from beautiful,
I understand I'm ugly,
I know that I'm a billion and a half pounds.

My older sister use to tell me to claim my obesity on my taxes,
my family told me that I was so ugly I should die,
I've heard these lovely things since birth,
why must people drive them in again and again.

Self-esteem what is that,
I thought it would be safe to help,
even though I know that my face is offensive to everyone,
the way I look seems to repulse,
and my body is so disgusting it makes them run.

I am aware that my past has left me beat up,
I know it shows,
but to repeat the same things from when I was young,
I'm stunned in how exact.

The smile ripped from me,
I was feeling good about getting back on my feet,
the pain has been tolerable although it gets bad,
but to be wiped-out for what,
for things I'm working on,
made me feel dead on the ground.

Primal wounds brought on by chance,
I wish to bury my head with my hands on my face,
so that no one will ever have to look at this disgrace,
reminding me that I'm so gross I should be erased.

The Wait So Placed





The belief that was needed,
never given.

The relief that was looked for,
never there.

Hiding became a way,
to survive.

Learning to be quiet,
silent stares.

Incredibly sensitive,
saved my life.

Taught myself to be wise,
forever patient.

Strength to stand and speak,
terrifying.

Things that come from nowhere,
always aware.

Living with all that has happened,
keep it simple.

Holding to fact,
important.

Breathing in, breathing out,
taking it slow.

Realizing nobody cares,
shocking.

Second thoughts,
none.

Left For Dead



Countless times did add-up,
people left me on display,
laying still on ground of done,
I just stared and said........ nothing.

There I was in simple sight,
left for dead without a hope,
offenders would walk off,
into the darkened path of long.

Each moment that I'd hold my breath,
easy self I can be bold,
do not fight or kick in plight,
roll your eyes in back,
show demise.

Fix your stare relax your bare,
let it go and empty body of any pull.

Relax, relax, relax, relax,
allow these monsters time to go,
oh no, don't panic the listened show,
still your self and look the sign.

Fear please drain from this lane,
here he comes to double-take done,
don't panic, don't panic, don't panic,
just release, don't move, don't move don't move,
he'll leave this sting.

He's leaving, he's leaving,
breathe with ease,
don't show chest moving,
slow, slowly, slower, slow.

Listen, listen, listen carefully,
the creek of the hinge,
the door will lend,
listen, listen, listen,
the handle turning so quietly,
the whisper of the footsteps on the floor,
he's coming.

Hold, hold, out with rolled,
again double-checking what has been,
don't panic, don't panic, don't move yet,
eyes have met don't move the set,
fixed, fixing, fix stare, don't ..
twitch, twitch, he's suspicious rare,
twitch...twitch, violent twitch,
life not fighting, natural response.

Fix eyes leaving open,
dead eyes fixed point over-head,
closer, closer here he comes,
don't move you fixed stare or you'll really be done.

Last check to make sure you're dead,
don't blow it, can't hold my breath longer,
don't panic, relax, he's turning his head,
don't move it's almost over,
the door, please door I hear you,
are you shutting?

Silently I heard it click.

Breathe, breath, breathe,
I'm not alright but I am still here,
sit slowly just in case,
is he hiding to see disgrace?

Stay still I feel his hot breath....
dont' panic he is still very close,
listen, listen, don't move, don't move...

KICKED air escapes my being and death still looks complete,
I'm not going to make it through this one,
don't panic he's not crying, angry, hot, he's walking not,
sitting... thinking.... wait... he's leaving,
gone.

Oh my god !!!!

Don't shake, don't shake,
he thinks I'm .....dead,
let it go, let it go, get up slow.

Breathing shallow,
wait,
one of these times ..
one of these times...
one of these times will be the last time,
either way at least I know I tried so hard to get away.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Do Not Be Afraid



Old injuries bite my life,
I get up and boom,
like an old friend,
out of nowhere and right to the heart of things.

Untangling strange happenings,
embrace and not running,
coming to terms with memories traffic,
one breath of reality,
a human condition,
trending.

Thank you to whom does care,
the warmth of knowing I'm not alone,
your words are priceless and heal my home.

Silent repair is not despair,
time of structure,
hindsight on review,
gives an insight to what I knew.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Don't Give Up!!


The power of a storm,
the knowledge to prepare,
the wisdom to be patient and not unaware,
relies on our ability to understand what so many will not attempt to even comprehend,
it could have happened to them.

The fact of the read,
this blog is a lead,
people can change things,
believing.

A reply to know answer,
the point of what's driven,
are decisions that have made differences,
so that lives can complete,
not continue to question,
the fact of repeat.

A task or a purpose,
the reference to such,
take a look at the World,
it is a good place to start.

A message to Humanity,
brought with a brush,
the strokes of the painting,
the poems only touch,
the lyrics to songs,
makes life in a picture,
umbrellas to touch.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Paralysis



The paper breeze,
the muddy ink,
the sentence blinks with questions.

The length of time,
the passing second hand in life,
missing the touch?

Connections serve a numbered learn,
absurdly used,
the Minds have forgotten,
Societies dues.

Powering towards the change, what for?,
it will be important to remember,
conversations presented individuals,
the interaction brought choice,
looking someone in the eyes made you realize,
words are powerful but the human touch,
well.....that saves more lives.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Intercom Self


It is inevitable to say goodbye in this life and I am grateful for knowing whomever I have been fortunate enough to meet in person.  Whatever life ends up being about, it certainly isn't about living, it's about surviving long to know that this is a temporary stay to determine our next move.  We all die as it is so eloquently put by the World.  We all return to our source or our origin or wherever you think it is you are from or going to, how that measures up with the statement 'we all die' I don't know because that seems to be a twisted fit in this weird reality of existence.  The only magic about 'life itself' is that it ends.  I happen to believe in 'The Continue' not an everlasting damnation for sins I never committed.  I believe that we are accountable and therefore responsible for our actions or lack thereof.  Should a person chose not to believe that lives do not go around/incarnate/reincarnate somehow than that is their prerogative.  However for those of us that believe in so much more we do not appreciate being called a heretic or a fool.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Sand Castles


No longer am I the evidence of a life in some distant memory of myself, instead I stopped and drank a glass of reality and realized 'Care' is a four letter word too.  In that moment, the moment I had been dying of thirst I noticed that humanity had no cup at all. 

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Systems


Want because I should,
explode when I do,
Control when I can,
Let go when I shouldn't.
Hang on when I can't.

Bestow upon this Land.
Judgment, do not stair.
Steps are stones.
Do not despair,
we all will grow somewhere.

This Earth; she screams in terror.
The Moon; He mourns her cry.
The Sun; is in an abstract scene.
Can you see Me?

I am afraid in this place.
I am scared of the taste.
Can you help with my review?
The World has no Curfew.

Stop the things I want.
Start the things I should.
Put yourself in neutral,
lets try something new.

Remove the noose from 'round your neck,
so, we can just hang in there.
Stars can be our bright reminders,
solar systems near.
Dream tonight when all is right,
it's time for no more fear.


K.A.P.
5/14/2009