Friday, March 18, 2011


~ Just a few thoughts ~

* The education of ones mind comes through the introduction to ones self.

* The warmth and contentment of "peace of mind", can be a truthful experience.

* Development of a belief as a structure is not a religion.

* A day will come when you see your tomorrows, it's called today, LOL!!

* Depth of soul requires "light" of mind.

* Reactions are actions of doubt.

* The pain I am feeling is the hurt I'm not facing.



June 3rd, 2009

I am so entirely angry.  I see his face in my minds eye.  The tension in his jaw.  His clenched fist.  His very core seems to be coarsening with revenge towards me.

An infection of sorts, I try to breathe and allow these feelings I am having to flow into the fresh air that is coming into my body with every breath I take.  As my lungs fill and empty, as my heart is pumping with a well known and practiced rhythm of control, my body begins to steady.  But, now my breath fills the veins in my body with the anger that is coarsening through me still, I only released through breath the air not needed to survive.  It is almost a throbbing release, as I can actually see the energy of the "angry self" escaping into the open and blowing through the forestry of men. 

I draw into myself.

As fear begins to envelope my very being, I choke. I have tried to speak, terrified I will discontinue my speech, I must freeze frame this entire journey.  This is all so incredibly painful, with every turn there is another memory that just blurts itself into the fore front of my conscious self.

What incredible terror I am filled with when these things seem to invade me at my moments of enlightenment into my past.  These memories, these flashbacks, these haunting moments happen for a reason.  This is all beyond me at the moment, but, I am beginning an understanding of what it is to play an actionable role in my life.

I crawl with anticipation of what is to come forward in my life.  I anticipate nothing and am expecting so much less.  I do not want to be beaten, I do not want to be fouled with their words.  I am tired of all the manipulation.  I am tired of being absolutely terrified, my parents frighten me.  I am only in the thought of "Help Me!".  I feel Three, then Four, sometimes Five and today Two.

Why is there such disbelief when it comes to what they have done to me?  My poor mind shakes in fright at the thought of my youth.  My birth is the nature of all this hatred.  I cannot change this, yet, I am beating today for it.  

Not just my parents, but my siblings hate me.  Almost as if the "perpetratees" have now become the "perpetrators".  They battle for their reasoning but theirs is still not mine.  I am so petrified about being alone with any of these people.  The threats are to much to hold, the secrets are bolding me. Which simply means that the secrets are coming out of me in a bold manner of speech and somehow is showing up in my body language as well.

I am not certain what restrains me from free flowing thought of the things in my past.  Fear!! It seems to consume me.


Try, Try and Try Again

To become aware is to realize that you are alive!
Step One.

Beginning to understand that Life is simply the ability to comprehend our surroundings and ourselves!
Step Two. (as easy as this task may be it is ten times harder than we may think and much more difficult than we may know)

To be in absolute thought and dedicated to the singular being, maintaining the patience to dissect the ideas.
Step Three.

Revealing to oneself truth in Verse and to be pensive in "All" your minds views.
Step Four.

Note to Self:

It always seems that directing your mind towards one idea is easy until the second you attempt to accomplish your task.  Interestingly enough it is extremely difficult. Quitting again, lol, you have to laugh sometimes at a life the "shrink" called "tragic, yet remarkable". I am funny regardless of popular belief. I always keep trying, I am like the "engine that could", I just can't!!

I must ignore myself in this ridiculous state of pity. Stuck at Four, again.

The Nine Understandings: A Journey To Self

The Nine Understandings

To become built from within using an underpinning that will hold and not collapse under pressure is a daunting task at any point during your life.  Let alone during the time of your life that you are attempting "enlightenment".  The belief and teachings that I have heard from other people that develops such an understanding and/or structure, (depending on how you think, visually, literally or imaginatively) is a little misleading to me.  They always make it sound so easy, however, it takes years of self-sacrifice, deep meditation, spiritual understanding and of course the "Will" to make the choice to achieve such a magnanimous act, to even begin to want to try such a way of thinking (let alone the ability to conceive the concept of the infra-structure itself).  I become over-whelmed and I haven't even started.

So, instead of reading all of the stuff out there presently and after reading "Dialogue with Death" a few years back I decided to write my own path, by mapping myself as the origin of my focus. 

First move;

I have been practicing every day to not think "I", but rather think "You".  I grew-up with people that thought nothing of you and only spoke of themselves.  My mother used to read the bible with her congregants and where it said "God", she would stop and tell them to say her name instead.  Strange as it is, I guess it would be the workings of a "Malignant Narcissist".  Anyway, I thought by putting you first, then it would be a positive, as oppose to a negative action in my life.  What I grew-up to understand was sadly very unhappy results.  I found that by doing this in your every day life people just take advantage of you and take everything, leaving you empty, void of energy and asking yourself "what is the point of life, if I cannot do good for others?".  Well, long story short, I became exactly what I was trained to be I guess, "Narcissistic Energy".

April 29th: Established 1965

April 29th
~ Established 1965 ~

     I was born in 1965, on the 29th of April.  I was raised within a religious cult, which was the boundary of my infancy.  My birth mother was a minister of the Christ Bearers Chorale Congregation, founded in 1970.  She divorced the man listed on my birth certificate after having an affair with my now step-father.  She had had several lurid affairs prior to my second birthday, I was the result of one of these experiences.  She often said that she was raped and that I was the result.  She would refer to me as the "spawn of Satan" leading me to believe that he was indeed my true birth father.  Turns out Anton Levay called himself by this name "Satan", so, its just possible I suppose, for he was one of many she engaged with sexually, as per my elder sister.  She used to also enjoy the company of Steven Z., Bill Graham, The Jefferson Starship, Janice Joplin and the like.  I did however vote that Bill Graham did not participate in the dirty deed due to the fact that he was simply to intelligent to fool around with such a sickness as my mother.  She too was a rock and roll promoter back in the day and so technically you just never know, I still vote "no".

     The control aspect of the cult environment is paramount, especially when you are in the business of manipulation of other peoples minds. Did I mention that I also knew Jim Jones?  I was more often than not beaten, all in the name of God of course.  "Spare the rod, spoil the child" so my step-father would spout.  This is a scripture that was often quoted to me before the striking of the leather belt which he would slowly unbuckle in front of me as an introduction to the torture that was about to begin.  It is a bummer that when my mother and he had two more children, a girl and a boy, that they too did not have to suffer the same punishments for existence as I.  Oh course, they seemed to be sin free, unlike myself.  Or is it when its someone else that the child belongs to, it is that much easier to practice your sadomasochistic personality out on daily.  Did I mention he is fourteen years younger than my mother and is not from this country but a transplant from elsewhere, never becoming an American citizen.   I always thought it was for a quick escape, but what do I know. Before he showed up in my life a lot of things had already happened to me, however, I had never been touched like that, not with a belt that beat me, or torture that was meant to complete me.  I never understood any of his preachings.
I do remember a time in my life when I was surrounded by compassionate souls.  Not one family member was present.  I would rather be with strangers today than ever be around anyone I was ever related to in any way.  I remember that during this time, these souls balanced my life and they seemed to do this for anyone I that came in contact with me.  I was a witness to this time, it was incredible.  I wish I could find them today.