Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Accidental Tourist, written 4/04/04 by me. It is so apropos in the end.

April 4, 2004 ( A letter I had written to a man but never delivered because I was told by a friend of mine it was inappropriate to have written. His name was Dan.)

Often times we find ourselves in situations that seem to have no rhyme or reason. Whether it is happenstance or a series of events that evolved, that lead us down a shared path for a short time, the only explanation will become evident in time. As time passes, we stop and reflect on those moments that possessed very little clarity and begin to realize their relevance in our life. We both are wise enough to realize, that time, will bring twenty/twenty vision to any circumstance.

From the first moment that we met, you spoke of the amount of pain I was in and how recognizing that pain was imperative to recovering from the destruction that the pain had caused. In the conversations since, you said many other things that I did not want to hear, nor did I want to listen too. Although I was persistent in my denial, you never wavered from your path, nor did you change your message to me. The rare opportunity that you had, which was an insight into my own vulnerabilities, shook me to my core.

At first, I began to build my walls higher and had to immediately assess the construction of said walls and how I had allowed my defenses to become vulnerable. I put into question the construction of my defense mechanisms, which had taken years of refinement to ensure no weaknesses. In a hurry to protect myself from what I felt was impending doom, you stopped me in my tracks by a simple statement you made, “The dam will have to break sometime.” In my hurried thoughts to repair my obviously falling down walls of protection, I stopped. You actually made me stop, stop and think. Not about how to protect myself, but stop and think about how correct you were. For it does not matter how well built our defense mechanisms are or how well constructed our walls, if you do not have an outlet, the entire construction will tumble to its knees. The actual destruction may not come from the vast amount of crap stored up, it may come from the last drop of water that has drizzled in from an innocent stream. Recognition of said failures may be the first steps to the following reality, finding imperfection in one’s self as a weakness, can become an opportunity to find greater internal strength.

Your friendship has afforded me a rare insight into my own vulnerabilities. You stated your observations and I am grateful. I am relieved that you were able to gain the insight and communicate that to me. Although the path that I am headed down is not lit, nor does it seem to possess any road signs for direction, I appreciate the shove that you gave to me. You kicked me out of the hole that I had been wallowing in and started me down the road that will restore the confidence that I once experienced. For this simple gesture, I will be forever grateful.

The beauty of verse is the long lasting effect on our minds. For it is not just a passing word, but an everlasting message to be held as a fortunate extension of one’s self.

P.S. This was written the day after you said the above. I wrote this off the top of my head, with no great deep meaning for you or to you, just a direct reflection of my thoughts.

I Do Not Need The Problem If I Have The Answer! WAR!!

 Here I come!!  This is the battle of my life.......

I am not a Survivor yet, I am still a Warrior! I am just beginning to pick-up the pieces that my family smashed me into so long ago.  I am a Mother of four children in this World.  I have been removed from their life for reasons that the Malignant Narcissist has been so forthright to provide whomever needed it.  You have taken my children from a person that was raised and survived a nightmare.  My children are with these people as we speak. Nobody listens to you when you tell them not to allow this to happen.  You can beg and plead but this is where money speaks and you need to step aside until you are able to stand again. Today is that day for me.

Everything that has happened to me in the past five years is all recorded in the courts or in letters that I have written. I sent out over 3000 of them.  I desperately reached out for help when this attack on my life first happened.  What my family has done to me in the past five years has been reprehensible and I am surprised that I have survived in tact, but I have.  I was separated from my youngest two children by a man that is an confirmed Narcissist, that believes he will be left in my mother's Will if he abides by her wishes.  He has sued me for an enormous amount of child support and yet has never held down a job of his own.  I have no problem supporting my children but when the wind is knocked out of you and you are healing from a very bad accident it makes paying the $1400.00 a month impossible.  But I will pay what I owe eventually because I believe in supporting my children regardless. 

However you should be aware that the only reason this man sued me for full custody of my two younger children was to get what he called a free check each month.  Hence the reason my children spend so much time at my mothers in San Francisco. By farming them out to her he then has to pay for nothing at all, this was the screaming message that he left for me, to let me know that he was in control of everything in my life.  It would not take much for someone to investigate his background to find that he has an extremely sorted past with very questionable people.  It would take less to get our divorce file and read how hard I fought for this to not happen because I knew that my children would end up at my parents home.  The very people that perpetrated this crime against my life.

I have two older children that have been unduly influenced in regards to myself.  Somehow since my Mother is a Malignant Narcissist and should never be visited or trusted, then I am the same way.  These are the words of the people that my older two children have surrounded themselves with these days.  I have not heard from them in the past three years and I never was invited to my oldest daughters graduation from U.C. Berkeley.  They are both adults and should they wish their lives to be missing there mother that is their decision to make but I would like to at least know the reason why they have cut me out of their life.
So as a kind warning to my dear family I am at the beginning of this declared War against you.  I have been accommodating and silent for my entire life as you do what you please to whom you wish. However you have gone after a mother and that invokes a very wild and animalistic reaction.  It is as if you have woken the sleeping bear within. I am no longer going to stand-by and watch you destroy the lives of my children and continue to tear this family apart.  You are wrong, you were wrong and you will continue to be wrong in your actions against my life and the lives of my children. My siblings should be forewarned that taking underage children out to bars and giving them alcohol is not a cool or acceptable thing to do and I personally hold them responsible for the fall out with my oldest daughter.  I have given the five years of my life to you, so that you could understand that five years ago when I said to you that you can tear me apart but I will rise again if you go after my children to destroy their lives and rip my family apart. The time has come and I am not dead as you had hoped that I would be. 

Instead I have begun to write my story in such a way that it can be read by anyone in a chronological order that will explain to anyone the desperate attempts I have made to let this all fall by the wayside. Dear family that I am not a part of to date and the proof of having no friends as a result of your destructive nature through the deliberate spreading of gossip is obvious right now.  You have told people that I have not been touch with since I was a child that I have ripped my own life apart and that I only contact you for money.  I do not come around your home or your person because there is a restraining order against both of us as a "Stay Away Order." So exactly how do I contact you for money?  Remember my dear idiots, everything you have done is on paper with the courts.  Everything you have said to strangers to ruin my life and the spread of such gossip has been heard by people willing to be part of a lawsuit to reclaim my reputation.

I know the answer in my life is to stand and be for my children the Warrior that will be the example of how to fight evil in this fucked up life.  You have received the message from me that says with the power of the pen and the power of the written word you will be exhausted by me.  I will not allow you to unduly influence my children any longer. The World will be turned on its ear today as I stand to fight the fight of my life. I say to all the fucking counselors along the way that have been the most depressing beings that I have ever met, I am not what you have said, for a survivor of nothing is indicative of my death. I fight for myself, in a War I declared against my Mother when I was only a child.  This is a War that I now continue to fight in open sight instead of behind the closed doors of the prison I was raised in.  I declare this war on the Narcissist, the Malignant Narcissist and the Sociopath, the enablers and the human beings that don't feel that fighting for a cause is worth the very breath of the life you are living.

To bring this battle of words into a venue that can be read worldwide is an opportunity to tell the public at large, I have been at War since my birth. I have yet to survive anything for this war was waged against me while I was just a girl. Be something that you have never been before, ALIVE!  Live one day with me and you will see that you have yet to live a life at all.  My plight is not my own, for there are others that know this unkindness personally.  I fight along side my sisters and brothers for freedom of mind, body and soul. I have a voice that will ring in the nightmares to you. My truth will be your horror.  I will never quit on my children. I am there mother and I have a right to be in there life.  Beware, the truth is the sword that will be the end of my drama and the beginning what is to come.  This is what will show my children that there mother doesn't go down without a fight.  I may be the 666 demon possessed thing or it that my family has called me for my entire life, but I say to you, who is evil and who is good.  I believe in me, I believe in the wealth of my mind, the richness of my soul and the emptiness that my heart is not my own. I gave it away at three, what madness surrounded a three old for them to have done such thing.

Read it and weep knowing only one thing, I have done nothing to have deserved such a tragic life.  But I will do everything to get back my family and to testify against the evil that has done this to me and my children. I will stand and fight against this evil until my last breath has been drawn once again. I will be what I promised my youngest child that she would have in her life, the Mother of her dreams. A fighter, a Warrior, the princess she believes me to be, I will be it all.

Stand back and realize that I had done everything to put aside what you so openly claim that I still live in, the past.  I do not live in the past, for that would be the actions of an idiot. I had an incredible life that I will not throw away to do as you have advised, "Just start again."  You do not know the journey of another human being until you realize that you have never even been on one of your own. Pictures are worth a thousand words.

Judge me now!