Saturday, November 30, 2013

The Sound Of Loud

Too forge on,
to sing a song,
to take note to what became 'Notable'
the support?,

The Choir of Silence,
roared with direction,
not North or South,
know Compass ruled,
just directed with quiet repose.

To thank what became a great strength to me,
would only prove,
I am at a loss of words,
for such moments delivered love.

That presence in my life,
proved that not only 'grace' exists,
it's a Alive and a Way.

I saw it each and every day,
no ifs, ands or buts,
just was.

What an incredible example of how to move forward,
without resentment or the I should haves,
just go and know,
"You are loved too."

Life Is Certain Too Stun

Once again life is no mend,
the factual basis of only pain from the begin,
retains itself in a strange sort of blend.

The on-going symptom of only done,
is the commonality of a well-strung sum.

I hope for the World a date to hold,
to keep and never feel sold,
to shield myself from what has been done,
I simply say; 

"It's no fun, what has been done."

Friday, November 29, 2013

Evolution Bangs

The disturbing trend of,
no concern,
will know and end as,
the approach,
is not indifferent to what is rote.

The divide of a cavern,
a fossil won't lie,
it's wealth is truth,
the find,

The pass of a moment,
knot rushed, pushed,
delivered curse,
evolution terse.

The mountain valley,
the stream so sick,
no matter dark,
the negative?,

The tree so spoke,
the ample bough,
the vine,
exampling toll!!

Words erupt,
structure fails,
the hurried day,
brings hate not death.

Move quickly friend,
or I may sum,
your appearance means,
run fast from.

The breath it takes,
to state "I'm Fate"
is less than equal,
for I say make!!

Far from Earth,
farther Universe Scene,
the sights of such,
sent Life to touch!!

Spread the News,
not Lies be shrewd,
for I have found,
Human Beings are rude!!

Take, Take, Take,
seems Their rate,
robbing lives,
just like War!!

The lead to grace,
appealing source,
the Gold Rings core,
a Dragon Force!!

The thought of great,
flight is had,
not just my spirit,
it is my mad!!

Description filled,
stories full,
as Humanity ignored them still.

The smoke in signal,
the sound of mourn,
I hang my head,
Mortals dread!!

Life to Death,
a victory march,
known to those,
whom know the Mount.

The liberty of,
comes with type,
a simple prose,
Identity, Rite!!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Rivalry Of Here

To brake too train,
be prepared for what?

The Same

The heat of fire,
burns this page,
the ink is black,
I'm of Age!!

The 'Voice of Say'
the truth is clear,
so I write,
to read a cheer!!

Onward, Forward,
march to lift,
my spirit's down?,
I'm still around.

Just a phone call,
proves what's bound!!

To blame the reason,
for life or treason,
I state, "It's all"
just happens.

Believe n'

So to the 'Skeptic'
hello to 'Cowards'
your face is missing,
much like the language.

But livings different,
I breathe to know,
that 'Thoughts' equip,
my every show.

To think on ignorance,
impatient lies,
my eyes do see,
'Their' disguise!!

Made evident with days,
the proof of said,
is not yet dead.

The red in death,
the black enraged,
the hate of most,
delivers Sage!!

Speaking on,
subject wrong,
what was spake,
made Satan wake.

The way to placed,
is long and traced,
to be replaced is a mistake.

The Ride of a Mounted Stay!!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Global Equine Perspective ~ Decoding Equine Performance by Tamara Placek Stafford

Decoding Equine Performance
Premiere and Overview:
"This is my older sister Tam, pretty cool stuff if you ask me.  She trained me!!"

Me, Freckles and Tam at the 'Paddock Arena' in Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, California

"And now I can ride Rogues!!, just like this one in the photo below.  Shades and I are the two that are having a discussion about 'halting', lol. His owner was looking on as her daughter Julie, was cruising effortlessly around the warm-up ring at CTETA also known as Woodside Horse Park. This was a  Schooling Show in August of this year, I am the 'Acting Trainer' for both Julie and Shades.  The day ended well for both of them, lots of ribbons for the young lady, to include a championship and best of all, a very exhausted and content Shades.  Great first time out!!"

Me, Shades, Jewels and Belle at CTETA, Woodside Horse Park, Woodside, California
August 2013

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Death and Life

The stress of death has made,
a visit of late,
not afraid,
I invited the peace I know.

Instead I try

The laughter,
made me die.

To know that Death,
is only door,
I do not worry,
not even chore.

Turns out the humor,
of such a time,
brought reality,
in a Sign.

I said goodbyes to whom I know,
may not miss me 'til I earth,
it is not me who'd miss this be,
terribly sad? 'cause I'd be glad.

You'd have my Lore

It is nice to know my Son shares fear,
he does wish that when we list,
we go together,
"It would be best."

I think to know,
that he did show,
the same concern of such a turn,
increased my want to stop the taunt.

Oddly contagion-ed

To succumb from exhaustion,
tons and tons as it sums,
the accusations and lack of nations,
at least he has a girl,


Mother Nature,
once before,
took me straight to deaths door,
Twenty something and very ill,
turned out stress still does kill.

I think that she has had enough,
I'm not wanted and I've had it rough.

My body ill and my mind is drill,
the antibiotics are working still,
I may survive or be just fill,
all I know is I want to show.

Twin Soul

I wished to hold the hand of whom,
sang a song and landed Moon,
the album came and I played too,
the D.V.D was pretty cool.

Thanks for the note,
the picture is,
really neat,
you seem so clean.

I still think you're kind of cute,
you make me swoon,
I feel the boot.


In the end I guess it's best,
to know that luck is like a test,
it's better, it's best.

So to you,
 my dear Sir who,
I'd like to hold,
make love to too,
I hope for a day you come to say,

"I'm here to take you all away."


The worth in a Man lives in the lies that are Told.

Sadly it is only these,
that We here,
stories grow old.

The endearment to Truth,
does not Lie only holds,
not you at Bay,
but the Murderers and the Cowards.

the unworthy Lives,
seeking death as the glory,
it lived in this one.

To march upon a man's heart,
with nothing other than,
indecisive measure,
it will show-up in,
the end,
a needless direction.

Leaving you short of your mark,
thereupon leaving that Heart & Soul,
whole in, 
Balance & Unmeasured Treasure.

The regard to the spoken word,
does not have calculations for the mis-information,
in the Language.

Leaving the written word,
open to an individual,
and therefore the interpretation,
will be made by the force of the Tongue,
which is most twisted?

For in the end,
maybe it is not the snake,
with a Forked-Tongued message,
of which we may find,
strange but rather,
the splitting of,
a man's decision.

In Him-Self over what,
is correct or,
what is not.

Created a split-tongue,
an alter-ego,
or the like.

For at least,
in this thought,
I have not committed,
to either,
for thinking with the wisdom,
of a Snake and the Credence,
of a Man.

Leave Me,
still standing,
differently but with a plausible answer.

Towards which Story,
I would find, 
to be Myth.

The Garden of Eden,
for a Snake may slither,
he can not speak,
with an audible tone.

Rather because I am,
unable of any English,
speaking Creatures,
other than Man.

So if,
lies were truth and truth were lies and men have died for so much of this...

where is your snake,
which speaks to say?

Friday, November 22, 2013

At First I Had Decided Not To Share This With Anyone, I was at a loss for words

When rumors and accusations are made behind your back you usually never know the source or the accuser by name.  In fact, in my case I just get a bad feeling and remove myself from the situation.  I guess hindsight being 20/20 I wondered why I was no longer needed as a Riding Instructor at Sun Valley Equestrian, but after reading this email that was forwarded to me as an F.Y.I., I don't need to wonder anymore.

I have left off the email addy's and last names of the people involved other than myself of course, as I do not wish for anyone to be able to contact any of the said parties.  I just believe that after the past few days I will feel better if I am honest about how much stress I have been under.  Until now I have been very quiet about the events in the past month or so.  However I feel that due to said events, my stress level became so high that it brought on these illnesses.

I was not really certain about what to do when I received this email as an F.Y.I., so I didn't do anything at all.  In truth, I was at loss for words, really I still am but maybe by posting what I was sent a month ago someone else can find the words that I have lost.

To: Karen Placek


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Juliette
Date: Wed, Oct 23, 2013 at 11:12 AM
Subject: Re:
To: Diane

Karen never said anything negative to me about you. The decisions I made were based on my own experiences.

I wish you the best, good luck in the future.


On Tue, Oct 22, 2013 at 11:03 PM, wrote:

 Hi Juliette, sorry to bother you at work today.
I am not looking for you to get involved in anything or ever see me or be my friend.
I simply feel I need to defend myself against the ugly, disgusting lies Karen has made up about me. I have no idea of what she told you but after the last week I'm beginning to understand that we have been played, manipulated into believing that each other"somehow had sinister Motives  in our business dealings.
From the very beginning Karen did not like you for some reason.
she would say things like I am stupid for letting you be a part or the business, why am I giving you half etc. I replied that I needed a partner to be half responsible and that you were very good to me when everything went down with Laura. She would get angry with me saying I make to many excuses for you etc.  She had me come to her house to convince me of all your wrong and evil doings. Then you and I started having disagreements and she just made it intensified. She said you were always complaining  about me saying things about me like I didn't know a thing about the business, I don't deserve my husband, and more.
This really upset me as you had told me I had done an awesome job with the business so far and this is why you wanted to come in with me. I also was mad cause you clearly stressed you didn't want us talking about stuff to the employees.  It has finally made me realize that she was most likely saying stuff to you as well as she has been to people on the ranch, I might add not to the people that really know me but you the ones that really don't.
She has told jack and Nona that I accused them of intentionally hurting my horse, told people I drug my horses in the lesson program, that I don't call the vet.
That I leave sick horses alone to die, the list goes on. She has taking all the things that I value about myself or have integrity about and painted me as the opposite. The way you moved Belle confused me I couldn't understand why she couldn't stay in the barn, the night of the show
You were all trying to get my daughter go to dinner with out her mother that made me feel very uncomfortable.  I can't imagine what she has said to you regarding me, but if it is close to the other things she is saying about me then I'm not sure I blame you for running.  All I can say is I am not perfect, I make mistakes , but I am a good person. I run my business with the same integrity I have in every area of my life. I would never miss use or drug any animal. Shit I don't even eat meat.
Juliette she even went as far to say is you have evil beings coming out if your head and you were trying to suck the life out of me, and that it was her mission to get you out of the barn.   She even accused you of trying to hurt Julie and you were working with Laura to make a fool of me.

With this I can only conclude that we were both played by a very smart, manipulative, sick person whom we both cared for.

It truly disturbs me to think that you thought  I would harm your horse or anyone's horse for that matter.   I have dedicated much of my life to care for these horses
And love them like my own..
I know I can not change how you feel about me, but it does hurt to think you are feeling victimize by me and my family, as I'm sure you must have been hurt by whatever she said about me.
Juliette I need to know if you think Johnoh was in on all of this
I am worried that Julie is being played. I just don't know anymore. It seems as if my internal compass has failed me once again.  Please if you could do one thing for me and answer this because I am really worried for my daughter.
I am now starting to believe everything about Karen Is a lie,
I think she points the finger at people for stuff she is guilty of and quite  frankly she scares me!
It is really unfortunate this turned out the way it did but I do want you to know, I do not think anymore that you were trying hurt me or do anything sinister, I must say  I never  tried to hurt you and you did not misjudge my character nor did I misjudge yours.  I am sorry I didn't come to you in the first place. Im not exactly sure what Karen wanted or why she hates me us so much that she came to help and decided to wreak Havoc
Between us and our barn. I'm not sure what she thought she would gain and with her accusations marked with your behavior towards me it began to paint an ugly picture. Especially when I was facing a difficult time bringing my Mom here. I was looking for a bit of support from my friends and felt I was kicked in the face an thus my reaction to that wasn't pretty.  I don't know what to say and I don't need you to believe what I say for I know what happened now its all very clear

I thank you for all the times you extended yourself to me and i will always remember the very generous trip to Hawaii  where i got to rest for the first time in years. I hope you take care of yourself and someday know me for the person I truly am.

I wish you an Belle all the best.


Sent from my iPhone


I was not admitted to the Hospital today because the regime of drugs that I was put on by Marin County General originally on Wednesday afternoon is working.

I am taking the following;

Cephalexin 500mg
Sulfamethoxazole TMP DS
Hydrocodon-Acetaminophen 5-500
Ibuprofen 600 mg

So if you should be feeling ill and know that you have had contact with me or my son, Johno, than you may want this information before you go to your doctor today.

My diagnosis on Wednesday was the following, I have MRSA, Cellulitis, Staph and a Sore Throat.

Post Script:

I am feeling much better today and I am so sorry if you are not.

Diagnosis from Marin County General Hospital on Thursday 11-21-2013:

Thursday, November 21, 2013

To Whom It May Concern

The past month or so I have been under an increased amount of stress that has caused me to become extremely run down both mentally and physically.  The last accusation was the nail in the coffin for me, I just reached a breaking point I guess.  To have my ex-husbands attorney write in court documents that my Landlord was affording my housing due to what I will refer as a "Uncle/Niece" relationship and than proceed to say that if he was being paid that to date he would have been paid over $50,000.00 in this case.  I had to stop and ask myself, " Is this divorce case pro-Bono?"  This was the first and last step to what has ended up being an extremely serious and possibly dangerous health situation for not only me but for anyone whom has been in contact with me, hence this post today.

The accusations, insinuations, the lies, the emails, the phone calls on random days from Government Agency's have not helped but pushed me over the top, stressing me out so far that my health is now broken.

On Tuesday of this week, following my Court appearance in Sacramento, California I fell 'ill' and subsequently to my  concern for my health I did go to the Emergency Room but not until the following day because I do not like Hospitals at all.  It seems in the past when I have gone to the doctor for a cold, I end up being admitted for something far more serious.  My last experience left me in the hospital for more than a week and it took over a year to recover.  I turned out it was not a cold but Acute Ashmatic Bronchiitis brought on by stress.  At the time my doctor sent me to the hospital, I apparently was suffocating and did not know it.  The test he did in his office showed that I had 10% oxygen in my blood, hence the suffocation.  He was an extremely kind physician and without causing any alarm to me, just saying I should go to the hospital for another evalution.  When I arrived I was bombarded by the staff, put into isolation where they could begin to treat whatever was causing this problem.  It was not until I hit the hospital that I realized how sick I was, with that being said I feel as if I am on repeat.

When I arrived at the Hospital on Wednesday afternoon with my son, I went because the pain was to great, not because I felt sick.  Turns out, yet again, I am very, very sick. I have MRSA and Facial Cellulitis along with a slough of other things that make no sense to me because it just seems impossible to be or to have this many illness's at once.  Of course on a lighter note, when the staff at the front desk asked me why I was there or what I thought I had I said, "Encephalitis."  I was told that was impossible cause it would be much like that movie 'Contagion' with Matt Damon and Cameron Diaz and I said, "Yep that is the one, I have exactly what Cameron Diaz had in the movie."  The staff said I would not be walking around still, I laughed and said, "I know, that's weird, that is why I came in in today 'cause I don't feel good about this."  Well turns I was not to far off in my diagnosis and due to current events I still say this has been brought on my 'Stress Itself' and I know that this is contrary to popular belief.  It's Mother Nature saying "enough is enough" the kid needs to come home.

I went back yesterday and have to go again today, the Emergency Room Doctor wants to keep tabs on this or on me so we know whether or not I need to stay at the Hospital so they can administer more frequent doses of antibiotics.  To date I am taking two types at home and being given I.V. boluses at the Emergency Room, all to try to avoid a stay in the Hospital, which I really appreciate cause I hate hospitals you can get so sick in them.  That sounds kind of dumb now but oh well that's what happens when you have......well you know my diagnosis, LOL.

So keep your fingers crossed and with a little luck and a positive outlook I will cruise in there tomorrow and be cleared to recover here at home.

Should this not be the case, than I would to say;

Dear Rebecca, Kathleen and Lauren,

"I love you very much and think of you often."  

To Mr. James Blunt, 

" I am sorry that I was unable to meet you thus far and I would like to wish you the best your future appears to be dynamically driven.  Keep a stiff upper lip and don't forget to laugh, it is the Nectar of our Life.  I love your new album.  I bought the Album in a pre-order venue on the Internet and it was delivered a week or so ago.  I love the 'Book' it is just like the one I imagined for something I wanted to publish, very 'Old School'.  It seems that you and I have a common way to express our ideas and by your notes and/or illustrations we jot things down much the same, it was really cool to see in person."


Monday, November 11, 2013

Down The Pike

Walking trotting wares are shown,
harnessed up to tackle spreads,
win the better is Scene as said.

America embraced a booking move,
50 Shades of Sexual groove,
the people have used to vary drooled,
once it's done the carry pools.

Manipulation invited formation,
closet doors are closed to front,
weapons of the mental ration,
no Master or Sir would approve this station.

No education to Dungeoned Lairs,
the whips and chains cuff two blame,
a posted note to idiot folk,
the control is entrusted by the role.

Reason for this Blog

This is the story of the psychological, physical, sexual, mental and manipulative abuse that I have survived since birth. I was snuffed by a man in the basement of my mother's home. I was left for dead, I stood over my lifeless body in shock and full of fear. I am so tired of keeping family secrets and never talking about what is on my mind. My sister told me in the most recent of years, "I should take a gun and blow your head off it would be the best thing for the family." I live in a fear that is difficult to explain to anyone. To have people wish for your death after suffering such is disconcerting to any life you may be brave enough to try to live.

I am searching for the truth from my childhood. I am the scapegoat daughter or some call it the blame child of the family. I am just tired of the lies that my family tells to cover whatever it is they seem to be hiding today.

I have been diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I suffer from flashbacks that go-live on occasion. I never knew this could even happen until one day it did. Therefore, I work everyday to be at peace with myself to ease the pain that such repetition or reeling of the scenes in my mind insists on replaying. I believe that all of what is happening, happens for very important reasons. I know that in the end, Mother Nature is just putting me back together so that I may know the things that I am told I have missed, I.E. Love.

Just keep in mind, you really have no idea what you have missed, even when someone tells you, because you missed it. So if I missed it completely, it means I am unaware of the impact thereof upon your life or subsequently, my life. It doesn't mean, that I don't know what I missed, and albeit curious about that which passed me by. Hence the reason for my patience with myself with flashbacks in particularly. I believe that should we allow what is natural to correct what has most tragically happened in the past, than we can then live more peacefully each and everyday. Giving back what we may have never received. Learning as we go so to speak. At least this my own personal hope for myself.

This is a testimony to the miracle of life itself. I exist, I 'm alive, I'm a Human Being, I try, and therefore I am!

Door Knob Keys

 seven years ago.........

1st attempt:

 I couldn't believe it, my older sister just left me with her lover in a R.V. park in Dallas, TX!

Ahhhhh, I stumbled for my words.

I guess you can stay with me and I'll drive you back to the Airport? (I was nervously spouting at her Lover)

He said: Are you O.K.?
I said:  _____________

2nd attempt:

How do I tell my story?  It keeps coming out in this poetic verse.   I wonder what would happen if I just.........!!  

Don't think just write?  


3rd time is meant to be a charm:

I was brought up in a closed knit society.  It was dark and filled with negativity.  The adults were part of a church that was run out of the next door neighbor’s house at 811 Balboa Street.  My family lived at 815 Balboa Street in San Francisco, California.  The severe abuse and neglect began in this home.
My mother is actually a cult leader not a minister, as she has had no formal training.  My grandparents were pastors and attended the school of ministry for their official training. I want to say that it was for the 7th Day Adventists, but I may be wrong.  

Taking up where my grandparents never left off, my mother decided the demonization of her church would simple, inter-denominational. This allowed her to know no greater authority than herself.  Although she would refer to her parents as the senior pastors in her church, they never knew the true facts on how the actual meetings went.  When they visited from Oregon the church services had been so rehearsed it was almost ridiculous.  To see so many people sober up so fast makes me know that they, being the congregation was aware and lucid of the fact the church was not normal.  When my grandparents or strangers were not present in the church on O’Farrell and Divisadero, the sermons that my mother would give lasted six to seven hours long.  Just like Jim Jones did (I met him once), they sounded a lot like that guy on cable t.v. that pays for his spots and just sits and talks forever about nothing. I am sure you all must know who I am talking about, he has been on t.v. for as long as I can remember.  I used to think he must have been related to my mother, only difference was he is to lazy to stand and give his 1000 minute message.  My mother would stand for hours, jumping around and preaching, about what I have no idea.  I could not tell you anything, it was all not in any way understandable to anyone.  Unless you were well versed in what was not being said, if that was the case then you would know that every message was and had only on intent, to brainwash the listener into giving everything he or she owned.  Oh yea, I know more about sexual orgasms than I know any story in the bible.  In fact I cannot even tell you the books of the bible, I know very little about anything biblical. Other than stories about Noah, Abraham and Sarah, Adam and Eve and what I know is, don’t be a kid to people like Abraham and Sarah because they will kill you so that god knows they listen, or something like that, needless to say death was made very real to me with that story, my mother made sure of it because I am meant to be the sacrificial lamb.  Told to me every Easter of every year I can remember. The Adam and Eve taught me all about sex and an apple, to explain how when women eat a red apple they are thinking about making a man think about their vagina.  I never did get that story quite right.  But I am sure you get the point.

 It was odd when my Grandparents visited because the sermons were actually something I could follow.  Oh course we are all going to die when the heavens rain down fire and brimstone on our heads and we translate back to Heaven.  Basically you will die and that is that.  But what really bugged when my grandparents visited was the entire congregation, a whopping 16 people in a place that could hold 175, was that my mother insisted they call them Papa and Nana.  I would fume over this, I used to get so angry, I still am pissed-off that it happened.  It’s bad enough growing up with people that demand your mother’s attention as if she is their mother, let alone, now they steal your grandparents too. 
Nobody ever thinks about the children of a cult leader, you go unnoticed, until there is a cry to arms by the leader to bring drama, excitement and pure unadulterated sin to the table.   This is when you have the attention that you never wanted.  You become the whipping child, and sure enough those new members whipped away on my brother and me.  One particular painful moment happened when my brother tried to get up and leave the dining room table.  My mother screamed, “Hold him down, and do not let him out.”  Several of the parishioners’, conveniently on hand for dinner, not really they were standing like armed guards, jumped to her call and pinned him in his chair.  I was across the table from my brother.  Then my mother said, “Light a fire under his bottom.”  My step-father leaps to the occasion with matches already in hand.  He strikes the match and the flame burns hot, as he puts between the ladders on the ladder back chair he was sitting in.  I had made it to that side of the table by then and blew it out.  He shoved me out of the way so hard I was thrown into the wall.  My step-father strikes another match and I made back up again to blow it out.  By this time the order comes flying through the air, “grab her, stop her, light that fire or he will never learn to be obedient at this table.”  A big man grabbed my arms from the back and held me off the ground. As the next match struck the back of the match case for the third time a match came to life with the flame burning bright.  I watched in horror, struggling, screaming, yelling, kicking, spitting, and trying desperately to get back over to my brother so that his pants would not catch on fire.  They did.  That was that, I failed, they won, again.  I can’t remember what happened after that, I just know he was on fire.  We have never discussed these things, he and I, why bother, we were in Hell and still are living the existence we never asked to live from anyone.  We were not recruits, we did not join, we were not manipulated into some stupid mind-set, and we were just the slave children of a Sociopath mother and a sadomasochistic step-father from England. All we did was survive that which is meant to be not survivable, so the professionals say.

The next time that my brother tried to leave the house was the last time I remember living under the same roof as him.  He made a mad dash for the back door; they had him between two sets of men, in the kitchen at 815 Balboa Street in San Francisco, California where police do nothing for the ones that are truly in trouble.  On the stove there was a pot of boiling water.  As he lunged for the door, my mother grabbed the pot and through it at him.  All the parishioners at the time, again conveniently located at the house, were standing conveniently out of the way of the now pot of boiling water that is being thrown at my brother.  I had been eating at the kitchen table on the very far side of it, near the back wall of the kitchen.  Generally speaking this was a safer place to be. I was always faced to the room which prevented somebody walking up behind you and doing something you cannot see coming.  As my brother was being corralled, I was trying to act relatively normally so I  would not be caught up in the tangle of men.  I sat calmly to try to figure out who was now the next target of entertainment for my mother. Picking the victim to excite her parishioners with that day, was always a big decision I guess.  We were known as the defiant ones, my brother and I.  We were not cooperative with our new step-father and our new found family members in this new found cult of my mothers.  I felt like it was a prelude to how she was going to introduce the same type of behavior that those people would eventually practice on their children and or spouses.  It proved to be correct.  Regardless, for now it was my brother and I firing up the emotions of this cult that she was bringing together.  Did you know that this is how they do it?  You must have the supply or merchandise, ready to die, in order to plant the seed and have something over a stranger.  We were the seed, that became the plant and nobody cared if we lived or died because we refused to pray to God. That was our collective sin.  As I saw once again my brother being attacked I crawled down under the table to get out of the way. The now flying chairs and the table that was being shoved across the room and up against what stopped it, the wall where I had just been sitting. 

I looked up from the underneath of the table that I have now in the next room.  I tried to see the next fist coming or set of hands getting ready to grab me, jerking me out into the open.  I remember seeing my brothers eyes and watching as he shook his head vigorously at me.   He was afraid I was coming out to fight his battle for him again.  This time instead of moving I stayed still not realizing that all the adults in the room did not even know that I was present.  The boiling water reached him, soaking his shirt and pants instantly.  As soon as it did, the scurrying slowed as they seem to watch the reaction of such a horrid act.  My mother whom I could see in plain sight had a look of delight on her face, I’ll never forget it.  She was wearing a silky, long night gown, one that I could l use a match to light on fire and she would go up in flames.  As my brother screamed and I stared, the moment stopped time for me.  It is as if my brother new my thoughts about my mother, screaming, “don’t come out, don’t do it, stay down, stay safe, don’t fight.”  He kept moving towards the back door, it was slow motion in strange time. Everyone had moved out of the way so that the boiling water did get them.  This left an aisle straight out to the back yard.  As he kept on, he looked at me one more time to see if I was looking at Mom or him.  Out the door he went, so quick, crashing down the back stairs, you could hear him pounding the wall for balance.  On his tail were all the men in the kitchen and dining room.  I thought to myself, “go, run, don’t come back, never come back, I’ll remember, I’ll never forget, I will get them back, I will survive with the memories intact.”  It was the last time I remember seeing my brother at all normally.  He never returned to the house.  I have seen him off and on through the years but he was never the same.  Distant, broken, sad and just plain different, he never has looked at me the same.  Almost like his mind cracked that day, split in two.   Surviving was too much for him, yet he still is doing it, he lives on  the streets of San Francisco. Now this is becoming to much for me. Forty-years later, I am tired and worn out with no place to go for safety, for peace, for happiness or for a roof over my head, but until now I have followed my brothers last request of me.
You see when it is your mother and her partner, the sadomasochistic freak that perverts your life into madness, you have not reprieve, no home, so safety in case of danger from life’s afflictions.  My parents are currently millionaires, living in the Sea Cliff area of San Francisco.  The house was purchased after the building for the church was purchased.  The house they currently now own, with only them on title, was originally bought as a place where the ministers live while preaching at the church.  I forget what it’s called, but it is a common thing that happens to pastors or preachers.  You don’t make that much money doing this type of service, so you often are furnished with a home to reside in as you are the leaders of the church. 
The man that bought the church building at O’Farrell and Divisadero in San Francisco, California, committed suicide in the early nineties.  He had bought the building using funds from his family trust.  There was a home in the Sea Cliff area that was purchased for my mother.  Four people went in on this property. They also moved in with us to our new home.  What a nightmare that became in my life.  I did get my own room. I was better off than my older two siblings.  They were pushed out of this home that was nearly 10,000 square feet, supposedly there was no room.   This all took place in the early to mid- seventies. Over the years I watched as each person that had invested their personal trusts in the purchase of properties (there were a few more) was edged out and then removed from the titles of the property.  One at time, quietly, behind the backs of the other.  By the time it was your turn to be taken off the title  you realized that it was my mother and step-father only against you.  They used all that you did over the years to blackmail you into signing the property over to them.  So now on the title of this very large home is my mother and step-father, it looks as normal as normal could be these days.  No history, no evidence of anything, anymore, there is only one original investor left and she is living at my grandparents’ home in Roseburg, Oregon. They sold the building some years back, oh wait, that was exact to the time they came after me again, five years to date I think.  My mother listed herself as president and my step-father listed himself as secretary. They turned right around and bought a duplex directly down the street from their home in the avenues.  They purchased it with the money from the non-profit church that the building had supposedly housed for the past thirty-five years or so.  They bought this new property with my younger half-sister and half-brother, and themselves listed as the purchasers.  At this point I had had enough.  My brother who had been through telling times such as I, lives on the street and has for a very long time.  Never had a home since that day, I know for fact.  So in my disgust that the two golden children of my stepfather were being bought a million dollar home so they could each have a private flat, busted me open. 

All they had to do was get a tri-plex and maybe I would have kept my mouth shut. But the blatant fuck-you was just too much after all the horrors that we both survived.  Before this happened I never intended to write at all.

 Well it went too far, to have my step-fathers children gain from the people that had practiced on us before turning on their own families was over the top.  Greed pushed the envelope and now they had to be very quick with me to shut me up in case I remembered anything of the past. So all they were doing is tying up all the loose ends, and I am the biggest loose end they had left.   I had a good job, owned my own house and car, had great kids in spite of two nasty divorces, I had really moved on in life.  You see they did not know if I remembered anything as a child and they had to know since one of the biggest wills was about to hit and they had just sold the building bought by Jim Mosley, the one who jumped off the bridge.  Oh yea, about Jim, two weeks before he jumped off the bridge my mother told him, “your family would be better if you were dead.”   I guess it put him over the edge, because he jumped and died.  My brother and I confronted our mother saying pretty much the same thing.  Why didn't you just take a gun and shoot him in the head. We both told her she was guilty of murder.  Just because nobody can prove it doesn’t mean we don't know it to be true. I told you live or die, they do not care, and they just do not want to get caught for all the terrors and horrific acts of terror that they have committed together.  Let alone all the money they have conned out of people.

So I am, finally broke enough to file for Disability and with no way to support myself for the time it takes to be approved. You are meant to be able to have someone to stay with during the three to four month period of time it takes for the approval process.  That is what they suggested to me. Well, I do not.  I won’t break my will and get down on my knees and pray to my mother, step-father, half-sister and half-brother, so they said I deserve to be on the street with my brother.  Since I will not abide by their demand they are celebrating the fact I will be homeless soon............"We know you're a Sinner and possessed with the DEMON of SILENCE!! Karen.....!!"
my entire family screaming this at once.........

I shook my head and said to myself, here we go again, I guess it is the begin.

Steaming To Sought

In the depth of Ones own mind is the seed to Independent Thought, with the immortal balance that mortality has gone ahead and provided is "Life Itself."  It is not the question of whether "You are" or "You are not this" the question is "Will you Continue."

To journey inside of yourself, to find the answer to your own personal belief is a treasure and most certainly the adventure of any life.  It is the most incredible fortune that is afforded to us at our birth.  Seeking out the answer so you may find or identify a structure to build yourself into the person that you chose to be today.  Every moment, of each day, is an opportunity to accomplish this task.

A difficult trek. Begin to embark on such a voyage of the Mind.  I found myself caught-up in a tangled web of lies and deceit. I chose to delve into myself to establish an order to things.

Befuddled and frustrated I found myself in a terrible state and very nearly gave up on this endeavor.  I thought seriously of abandoning the entire project.  This was before I began to understand that a Blue Print was needed and indeed could be drafted for this project.  This point of enlightenment came to me in one unaddressed thought, stillness of mind must be achieved.

Stillness of Mind will only be obtained through the total and absolute practice of quieting thinking.  You must be able to accomplish this first and when you are capable of this task it can be incorporated into your daily life with great ease.

I needed the tools to build a construct.  I needed to obtain this so that I could begin to understand that a person must stand before they fall and that we must grow before we take our first step.

To nurture the mind throughout life, shows a healthy respect towards your heart and soul.  This act would actually be an independent accountability of oneself, providing a peaceful resolve to live and be an example of what you wish.  You are unique and are so able, the faith to be is yours, believe.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

A Horse's Prayer ~ by Unknown

Courtesy of 

A Set Gear

The comprehension of no dues,
the accountable settle truth,
a minute seconds tick,
silence looks,
the audience of verbal news,
the watch becomes the illness late.

Treachery afoot returned the rate,
all in quiet,
not a tranquil state,
the fastest spin,
spirals lend,
the lie presents what's done is did.

The mettle of the life that could,
drained the Will,
it's now just should.

The closure of my eyelids show,
death is year and day is clear,
to the many or few in do.

Enjoy the fact that quit is tact,
record Albums wheeled Notes,
finds that music is a choke.

The hymn collected in poetic low,
rises me to be a joke,
invitations welcomed Times.

Universal lore in climbed,
skates the Plates,
numbers roll,
it's the type in total Toll.

Good in bye,
a wave in meld,
the do is why I leave in Hell.

Posted 5 hours ago by Karen A. Placek

Original Natural Creed Tack

The Greed of the Singular Cell
now a Number translated?
... to identify BEING Clean.

Call of Run
Statused ~ Placed ~ Advantaged?!?

Know "It" Plates too Toll

The Mechaniques that calculates the Fare
does not Add the Tax
Book Exact!!

Match the gaseous grab,
explosive dime to drop and Syne.

Luminous Vote
breezing too inhale the brink
the Footage Advance
Reeled in Sound
to Film record
Play the Move
camara sat Seated sap

EYE will LATCH Loc
knots perfect the Ore Stills the Chilled.

Chest laced Mistake!!

Mint Board?!!?

Gilded Thread
spun inn wholed
basic tack
herd foiled
FORE Ground shreds Crowns.

Jewels grind through,
 decor Mounting.

Stallions thirds Welling
Shores of Phar
triplicates squawl.

Grained too Sands
beaches Lands
Cliffs to breech
protected RACE.

Single Deal.

Breed of Bred
'Refinery' out source
the Keep of Well

Original be not a SEED
obvious to fact
pointed power shielded
ventured quest lusting desires
Their you're Cage
dungeons require
no found too cost
lose Lofts.

Mind doubt
it's yours to Be
No Origin Know Sport
no leap to reach.

roped and bulled
Penned Rolls,
dimension scrolled
a Fold!!

Stows stowed dunked Moles
Owned, Slaved, Used, Ick!!

Backed Steers Style

photo I.D. ouch!!

NO PT.?.Compass Routes

Driven deep in VEE
doping 5th Elevens lead