So Close And Yet So Real

The New Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Is Pretty Much What You Expect (Bad)

BY LINDY WEST

Great news, people with shitty taste! The new Fifty Shades of Grey trailer is here, and it's REAL STANKY.

Here's what we learn:

He's like this.

But she's like this!

Those are the two kinds of people that there are. How will they ever talk to each other?!!?!?

They live in Seattle, which looks like this.

Accurate. Except that the people in Seattle do not look like this.

Our moguls don't wear suits and stare broodingly out of picture windows! They wear sandals year-round and let everyone out early on Fridays to play Settlers of Catan. I live in Seattle specifically toavoid dildos like Christian Grey.

But anyway--hnnnnnnnnngggggggg!!!

Anastasia's journalism is intrigued by the drizzle-orgasm she got from Christian's shoulder pads, so she decides to investigate.

What she discovers is INTERCOURSE.

Just tooooooooootally normal regular intercourse that is not out of the ordinary in any way.

And yet, something's off. Why won't he let her in? Why is he just incessantly playing topless night-piano instead of lovemaking her some more?

"I had a rough start in life. That's all you need to know." OH, OKAY.

"Also, you got some barbecue sauce on your face."

Eventually Christian decides to let Anastasia into his secret sex prison. AND HIS HEART.

And then they do it a bunch. The end. It is truly the best movie of ever made about a guy whose last name is Grey and he only wears grey and sometimes he enjoys some light bondage with a chick he groped in an elevator once.

A brave, brave story.

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