NO! NO! NO!

I love this song, I will never forget anything.  Nor will I allow the constant gaslighting by Melba and Hugh Meakin to alter or bring into question the actual events of my life. 

The song below was posted on my youngest daughters facebook page, along with what I have written.  If you have been following my blog than you understand that Melba Meakin is a woman that needs to be understood and then held accountable for her malace and lack of morality.

A restraining order that Melba and Hugh Meakin put on me two and a half years ago, precludes me from contacting my children while they are at the home in San Francisco.  To believe that my daughter is having to experience my family of monsters making her feel that she is unable to love or be compassionate, is the last straw for me.  I hope that people can read and understand how cowardly, cold  and ignorant my mother is in her Malignant Narcissistic response to what was written by my daughter and her cousin. This is how she responds to her Grandchildren in public.  Just imagine what happens behind the closed doors.  It is not a pleasant experience.  If you cannot see that there is trouble here than I pity you.  

I have found out recently just as Upsi has discovered that my FOO is reading my blog.  I believe that the time for justice in this matter is close at hand. 

Maybe someday someone will recognize that Malignant Narcissists get worse with age, not better. I was the one that was not loved, not my daughter. There are repercussions when you write anything down and monsters find it like she has.  The repercussions happens in the privacy of the home where they live. Are you aware of that?  What a brave girl to write her feelings down so publicly. Where I could find, read and respond with eloquence and exactness.  Especially after they threw her cousin out on the street to live at only 16 years old.

Putting an end to this insanity is what I continue to fight for each day.  I feel as if I am walking a thin line, I must name these monsters to protect the ones that are writing there feelings down.  At the same time I am aware of the screaming and blaming that takes place in their home following such a post.  Remembering that speaking out against abuse is the only way to stop the madness, I keep writing. 

My children and I will recover. I will succeed in outing these monsters.  I will know justice in my life.

[Thank goodness for Facebook.  (I was just approved as a friend on my daughters page 10 or so days ago and I have not been able to speak to her in over a year.) Good job on communicating to me the reality so quickly and efficiently. Stand strong girls and keep on fighting for your lives.]



Written by my youngest daughter,

You know sometimes I dont think they realize I actully am capable of love and compassion.

Response by her cousin,

 its not that you arent capable of that. it is that, THEY do not know what the fuck LOVE and COMPASSION is. that is the truth.

Response by my daughter,

haha, that is probably absoluetly true... !! Love ya kelssay

 Response by my mother Melba Meakin,

Lauren, is there something I can help you with? Sounds like you've been misunderstood. As well, I'm so sorry to see language like the above comment, by Kelsey, used on your Facebook. Please let me know if I can help.

Song posted right before the above post. Posted by my daughter,

End Of The Pain

My mother, Melba Meakin and my step-father Hugh Meakin need to know that what they have done to me as a human being is not just wrong but heart wrenching.  You have taken a life and consciously destroyed it.  You have never been held to task for doing this to me until now.  Since I was a child I have been silent on this accord.  I will no longer silence myself because of the fear that you beat into me as a child.

I stand as the adult child of severe neglect and I protest to the laws that keep me from holding responsible the people that took my life from me for their own gain.  I will not falter in my campaign to speak for the innocent that are still under the rule of monsters.  Hear me World, Hear my Cry!!  You turned on me as a child, stand for me today and help me free my children from what has them in a prison of lies.

Gaslighting

Definition: To deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating their environment and tricking someone into believing that they are insane.


From Wikipedia:
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.


The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, and the 1944 film adaption, in which a wife's concerns about the dimming of her house's gas lights are dismissed by her husband as the work of her imagination, when he has actually caused the lights to dim. His action is part of a wider pattern of deception in which the husband manipulates small elements of his wife's environment, and insists that she is mistaken or misremembering, hoping to drive her to insanity.


definition of gaslighting / definition of gaslight

by J. E. Brown

gaslighting:  A common form of brainwashing in which an abuser tries to falsely convince the victim that the victim is defective, for any purpose whatsoever, such as making the victim more pliable and easily controlled, or making the victim more emotional and therefore more needy and dependent. {You're reading "Definition of Gaslighting" by J. E. Brown.}

Often done by friends and family members, who claim (and may even believe) that they are trying to be helpful. The gaslighting abuser sees himself or herself as a nurturing parental figure in relation to the victim, and uses gaslighting as a means for keeping the victim in that relationship, perhaps as punishment for the victim's attempt to break out of the dependent role.
Example 1: If an abusive person says hurtful things and makes you cry, and then, instead of apologizing and taking responsibility, starts recommending treatments for what he or she calls "your depression" or "your mood swings," you are in the presence of a gaslighter.

Example 2: If someone insults you or criticizes you, and then pretends it was a joke and asks "Don't you have a sense of humor?", that's gaslighting.
Perception blaming is a common form of gaslighting, and a common technique for evading the consequences of one's actions. Example: "I'm sorry you perceived my words that way; it wasn't my intention." Translation: "You are perceptually defective. Everyone else in the world can read my mind; if you can't, there must be something wrong with you. Or so I'd like you to believe." Unspoken Message: "My intention should change your actions (even though it didn't change mine)." This presupposes the reasoning "Most people are judged for their actions; but *I* want to be judged for my unseen intentions." For more about this double standard, see Definition of Conceit. {Read this comp1ete article at http://jebrown.us/Relationshop/Definitions/gaslighting.html .}

Roaring

I hope that you never suffer at the hands of a Malignant Narcissistic person. As an F.Y.I. they will never stop the attack on the offspring or the person that attacks back in silent repose.  However, I have developed the natural skills to defend myself. Nature has afforded me this small favor. We are not inept as the offspring of these monsters but rather have evolved in order to survive. We are the next generation, for better or for worse, nature has seen us through successfully. Just as evolution evolves over millions of years, we have progressed naturally in one generation in order to survive, not bad.  Do not dismiss us and do not deny us without reminding yourself first that we are the flesh and blood of monstrous creatures. Nature would not birth us to the very monster without preparing us to be the more intelligent and possibly the more deceitful of the two. This makes much more sense to me than thinking that we are incapable victims of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or step-parents. We are just horribly hurt. We can be wise in our actions before we too step forward with our own judgement on humanity. All be it skewed, it is not for lacking of trying to find and experience all the things that we are told collectively we are missing from ourselves. So while my peers enjoy a day at the beach or a pleasant vacation, I spend my days working through the reality that only a flashback can deliver to you in full. I am healing from the very real and abusive life that I have experienced. Not so I can go to the beach or on a vacation, never acknowledging the horrors of life. I am healing so that I can continue to move forward and move up the ladder of success to become the voice of the innocent. To expose to the public each and every person that never stops to do anything other than for themselves. If we are not here for any other reason than to pleasure our own selves with life, I then accept that gracefully, however I believe that people who think this thought are full of selfishness themselves.  What kind of judgement would you pass on them? I simply announce to whom may be interested, that the pleasure I get out of life is the free writing and the exposure of the person that is selfishly living the life of the lie. I enjoy telling you that I am excited today because I am still alive and did not have to think about the people that have committed suicide over my mother today. I enjoy telling you that I am pleased that I have survived so much and I really enjoy the fact that I can share the "Snuff" I experienced at a very young age that failed in its attempt to take my life.


I will or will not write a book about the terrors of my life, who knows and truthfully, who cares? By blatant disregard every person who reads or has heard my plea is responsible in this life to stop the pain and the strife caused by these monsters. I had one person tell me that I wrote a piece of poetry that has stuck in his head and caused him nightmares. He cannot get me off his mind. I write what comes to mind so that I can work out the anger and rage that I have towards the people that have harmed me and my children thus far. Why be silent anymore. The reason for silence is to protect the lives of others.  I have no one to protect anymore. It is now an open book. Destruction goes both ways in life. Some would say that by writing the wrongs committed against me or my children I am being destructive and vengeful. I don't feel this way, but I accept that opinion as fact. For I feel that lack of remorse, lack of pity, lack of compassion is more destructive to the daughter of a malignant narcissist than any other action can be ever. This is because it makes her mother right in the end. People are not worth your time, nor your care of their existence. When it is put so plainly, it must be like being kicked in the gut, but in truth you have no argument to stand by in this matter called WAR.

Undefined Reality, I Feel Exposed

The other day I met with somebody that I knew when I was eight years old.  She told me of this time that we had come back to my house and my step-father was there.  He grabbed me in front of her and took me into the other room where he beat me.  I was being beaten for getting "F's" on my report card from school, she said.

Three years ago I was in San Francisco eating breakfast at Louis out by Seal Rock with my step-father and mother.  My step-father felt compelled to tell me that he had never laid a hand on me.  I looked at him and asked him to repeat himself.  He said it again.  I just sat across the table and looked at him. My mother just sat there saying nothing.  It is odd that they would do this to me.  I know that he was trying to get a reaction out of me and I reacted more than I should have because my mother had that sinister smile on her face.  However, time bringing 20/20 to the situation, it shows to me that they have not forgotten at all what they have done to me as a couple.  In that I find a reason to celebrate as it concretes what I know has taken place in my life and now they are back tracking to cover themselves.  What troubles me and made me so angry at the time was the smile that my step-father had on his face as the words slipped through his lips and into the restaurant to be heard.  Almost as if he whispered the denial. 

For some very strange reason my parents seem to believe that if they say that they have never done anything bad or even questionable, than whatever they are speaking on just did not happen at all.   Well now they will have to deal with the fact that people are coming forward to say things about what has happened to me as a child.  Telling me, "I witnessed........!"  I wonder if they will tell them that they are liars?

I am finding hope today.  I believe that if my family is compelled to deny the past so openly, than I must go with this simple thought. Something must have happened to even mention it in the first place. If nothing happened than why bother to bring it up.  I think that this is what they refer to as "Gas Lighting."

I am getting closer and closer to exposing the lie. One day they will make a big mistake by saying openly what they have said to me in closed company. Who knows maybe somebody at the restaurant overheard them and thought, "How odd."  It is inevitable to be caught by your own lies.  Eventually what has happened will come to light, I just know it.  Too many secrets, too many lies to keep it all straight.  Maybe there will be a day that while trying to improve their reputation they will be speaking to the right person, instead of a coward who tucks their tail between their legs and runs away in fright of what was shared.  The intimidation from them still amazes me.  I don't understand how people turn and walk away from people who are obviously unkind and a danger to society.

So far people from my past have been randomly showing up and telling me one or more of the following things on the list below.  I guess that is good thing.  However I feel that it is a little to late to confess to the one who suffered at the hands of these people her entire life. I am really tired of the secrecy that they seem to perpetuate by telling me what I already know and ensuring that it is being said behind closed doors yet again. I feel as if I am in the middle of a fight and its not mine.  I'm not sure if I should be grateful or not that they have come forward to express themselves. It is rather uncomfortable, especially when they say not to tell anyone that they told me (i.e., my parents.)  To see other people in fear of my parents is odd but I kind of enjoy it in a sick way.

What do you think that they think will happen to them?

" Oh! WAIT! I know, I know!" 

They are worried my parents will go after them for outing what they have done to me.  That is how afraid people still are of my parents. They say that a Malignant Narcissist really doesn't hit full boar until you deny them their truth. If you do this to my parents they hit an entire new gear called, "Their undivided attention,"  all so they can go and destroy your life now.  I have seen them do that many times, to lots and lots of people over the years.  Hiring private investigators to find out all they need to know to destroy absolutely everything about you.  Ask the old members of the Church that are in hiding from them.

Here is the list of things I have been told so far. It is a little uncomfortable to know that so many other people know the following, I feel naked in front of them and I don't think that I should have to feel that way anymore.  So, I am going to vote that what they have done to me is wrong and place them into the category of my parents as enablers or maybe they are what are called Covert Narcissists. All in all I don't think that it was a healthy thing to do to me.  I would like to see something that is actionable not more destructive.  It is very difficult to sit and listen to people say the following to you.

1.) I never had a childhood.
2.) I was never loved.
3.) I was abused.
4.) I was severely neglected.
5.) I was beaten.
6.) I was spiritually abused.
7.) I was keeping secrets.
8.) I was very sad.
9.) I was psychologically abused.
10.) I was whipped (different from being beaten.)
11.) I was hit. (different from being beaten and/or whipped.)
12.) I didn't speak.
13.) I was molested.
14.) I was left alone.
15.) I was manipulated.

Pretty uncomfortable to hear these things.  I do think that it was extremely important for me to listen to the people who came to tell me these things.  It was damaging to me as a human being.  I hurt really badly after they left especially knowing that these people had just left me in the abuse so long ago, never going to get help or helping themselves.

It seems to get harder in my life, not easier. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  It just seems to be a hurtful thing to do to me again, but that's O.K., at least they feel better.

Maybe turn about is fair play after all.

Traits Of A Malignant Narcissist

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.


Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.



2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.

Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.



3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.

Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies



4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.

Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.



5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.

Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.



6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.

Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.



7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.

Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.



8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.

Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.



9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.

Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.



10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,



11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.

Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.



12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.

Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.



13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.

Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.



14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.

Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.



15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.

Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.



16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.

Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.



17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.

Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.



18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.

Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.



19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.

Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.

Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a support group.

"People of the Lie"

To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it.

Excerpts from "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck

Peck goes on to delineate the face of evil, to show what evil looks like. His contention is that evil does not often look like what we expect; those who are most evil will often appear most “together” or wholesome at first glance. The picture he draws of evil people is all too familiar to the child raised in such a home as he delineates the “evil personality disorder”:



A proposed new scientific definition of evil




In addition to the abrogation of responsibilities characterizing all personality disorders, this one would specifically be distinguished by: (a) consistent destructive, scapegoating behavior, which may often be quite subtle. (b) excessive, albeit usually covert, intolerance to criticism and other forms of narcissistic injury. c) pronounced concern with a public image and self-image of respectability, contributing to a stability of life-style but also to pretentiousness and denial of hateful feelings or vengeful motives. d) intellectual deviousness, with an increased likelihood of a mild schizophrenic-like disturbance of thinking at times of stress. But to get such a classification is probably not realistic. In that regard, it is noteworthy how difficult it is to examine evil people in depth, because it is their nature to avoid the light. Denying their imperfection, the evil flee both self-examination and any situation in which they might be closely examined by others.

Creating a sick society


The denial of their own suffering is, in fact, a better definition of illness than its acceptance. The evil deny the suffering of their guilt, the painful awareness of their sin, inadequacy, and their imperfection by casting their pain onto others through projection and scapegoating. They themselves may not suffer, but those around them do. They cause suffering. The evil create for those under their dominion a miniature sick society. Think of the psychic energy required for the continued maintenance of the pretense so characteristic of the evil. They perhaps direct at least as much energy into their devious rationalizations and destructive compensations as the healthiest do into loving behavior. Why? What possesses them, drives them? Basically it is fear. They are terrified that the pretense will break down and they will be exposed to the world and to themselves. They are continually frightened that they will come face-to-face with their own evil. Of all emotions, fear is the most painful. Regardless of how well they attempt to appear calm and collected in their daily dealings, the evil live their lives in fear. It is a terror and a suffering so chronic, so interwoven into the fabric of their being, that they may not even feel it as such. And if they could, their omnipresent narcissism will prohibit them from ever acknowledging it. We can surely pity them for the lives they live of almost unremitting apprehension.


 Pride and Arrogance


Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that church scholars have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection – a kind of smug self-righteous pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. In Martin Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings." The failure of the evil to define themselves as disordered is an essential, integral component of their condition. What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years, psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly -- even grossly -- narcissistic in one way or another, but are not evil. All that can be said at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, can only be vaguely surmised. The utter failure to submit oneself to reality is the extreme state of narcissism, narcissism in its ultimate form, oblivious to certain essential dimensions of reality. Such people literally live "in a world of their own" in which the self reigns supreme. For the complete narcissist, others have no more psychologic reality than a piece of furniture. Narcissists have only what Martin Buber calls, "I-I relationships." They exercise a strange sort of political power, that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion, in order to prevent individual spiritual growth.



Evil could have been defined most simply as the use of political power to destroy others for the purpose of defending or preserving the integrity of own' s sick self. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Most people fail in the art of living, not because they are inherently bad or because they so much without will that they cannot lead a better life; they fail because they do not wake up and see when they stand at a fork in the road and have to decide. They are not aware when life asks them a question, and when they still have alternative answers. Then with each step along the wrong road it becomes increasingly difficult for them to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they are on the wrong road, often only because they have to admit that they must go back to the first wrong turn, and must accept the fact that they have wasted energy and time. Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process, that we are not created evil or forced to be evil, but we become evil slowly ove r time through a long series of choices. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." Characteristic of the evil is that theirs is a brand of narcissism so total that they seem to lack, in whole or in part, the capacity for empathy.We can see, then, that their narcissism makes the evil dangerous, not only because it motivates them to scapegoat others, but also because it deprives them of the restraint that results from empathy and respect for others. In addition to the evil needing victims to sacrifice to their narcissism, their narcissism permits them to ignore the humanity of their victims as well. As it can give them the motive for murder, so it also can render them insensitive to the act of killing. The blindness of the narcissist to others can extend even beyond a lack of empathy; narcissists may not "see" others at all. Each of us is unique. Except in the mystical frame of reference, we are all separate entities. Our uniqueness makes each of us an "I entity," providing each of us with a separate identity. There are boundaries to the individual soul. And in our dealing with each other we generally respect these boundaries. It is characteristic of, and a prerequisite for mental health that our own ego boundaries should be clear and that we should clearly recognize the boundaries of others. We must know where we end and others begin. The evil fail to make those distinctions.

The Subtlety of Evil


One respect in which it is difficult to explain about evil is its subtlety. Evil sometimes will manifest itself obviously. In Dr. Peck's book, The People of the Lie, he described parents with two sons, whose oldest boy committed suicide. They subsequently gave the very rifle that boy used to end his life as a birthday gift to his younger brother. There, evil showed itself as quite apparent, but it rarely does so. More commonly, evil's manifestations are seemingly ordinary, superficially normal, and even apparently rational. Those who are evil are masters of disguise; they are not apt to wittingly disclose their true colors, either to others or to themselves. It is not without reason that the serpent is renowned for his subtlety. It is exceedingly rare, therefore, that we can pass judgment on a person as being evil after observing a single act; instead, our judgment must be made on the basis of a whole pattern of acts as well as their manner and style. There is something basically incomprehensible about evil. But if not incomprehensible, it is characteristically inscrutable . The evil always hide their motives with lies. Wherever there is evil, there's a lie around. Evil always has something to do with lies. Naturally, since it is designed to hide its opposite, the pretense chosen by the evil is most commonly the pretense of love. The pretense of the evil is designed at least as much to deceive themselves as others. A child can emotionally survive only by virtue of a massive fortification of its psyche. While such fortifications or psychological defenses are essential to its survival through childhood, they inevitably distort or compromise its life as an adult


Dedication to a Self-image of Perfection


The evil are utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. They often dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach. The words “image,” “appearance,” and “outwardly” are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their “goodness” is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the “people of the lie.” Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong.



We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden. We come now to a sort of paradox. Evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At once and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness (or attempting to redefine their evil as good). The problem is not a defect of conscience, but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it. Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances, the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light – the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of the truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence.



Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation, required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied. It often happens that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can sometimes be perceived before the misdeed that it was designed to hide, the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. However, because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? Evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.


Scapegoating, a key characteristic


A predominant characteristic of the behavior of the evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. Definition: Scapegoat - an innocent accused and forced to take blame. And more significant, one who is the object of irrational hostility. Scapegoating works through a mechanism which psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that while they are in conflict with the world, they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others.



Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people who can be designated as evil are invariably chronic scapegoaters. In other words, the evil will attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our own imperfection. Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil which they identify as in others. The problem is that they misplace the locos of the evil. Instead of destroying others, they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As their life experience and actions are subjected to examination by others, such exposure will often threaten their self-image of perfection, and they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying those person's lives, usually in the name or righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, an evil person who "scapegoats" must lash out at anyone who does reproach them.


Familial evil -- the genesis of narcissism




Evil seems to run in families. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents: Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished. Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic (such as the enduring the experiences of sexual abuse), it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles -- themselves symbols of evil -- in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaught of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil -- or some of it -- as a kind of psychological gargoylism.

You Beat Me Because Of Your Adultery?

I believe my mother and step-father purposely did these terrible things in an effort to cover up how they originally met.  It seems that nobody is honest about how my step-father slithered into our lives.  Somehow his kids feel that my mother and their father had some romantic affair and met on the up and up.  In reality it was very, very different.  I was thinking about it today and remembering how repulsed I was when he went from being the babysitter to being my step-father. 

They had had a lurid affair behind the back of my father.  The congregation was aware that my step-father and mother were spending much to much time together.  In fact, they were very much against the divorce, telling me recently that they were against the affair from the start.  My step-father moved into my world after my mother had started her church, so it was not a very Christian thing to do with my mother being the Pastor.

I feel as if all of the abuse I suffered at his hands, with the approval of my mother was done so that I could not tell of how they had been sleeping together before my father had even left the house.  I remember my step-father, the hired help, he would come into the house and my mother and he would just go up to the master bedroom and fuck all day. It wasn't like this was the first time that this had happened.  It did prove to be the last time that it happened. I wonder if he beat me the way he did because I knew the inside story so to speak.  I was the only child not in school.

It is so ridiculous because all the money that they have now, came before my step-father was even in the picture.  In fact, I remember one of the congregational members said to my mother that her money was meant to go to me and not to his children.  This was supposed to have  happened because of the trauma I had suffered prior to his appearance in the family.  I did not have a very good childhood and she wanted her money to be put towards me to protect me from anything bad happening to me later in my life.  It was a very generous thing to have done for me, I was very grateful. 

Nothing ever worked out for me, it all was for not in the end.  However it is frustrating to know that later in life this persons Will was changed again by my mother and step-father.  She was apparently bullied into it when she was older and could not defend herself like I had seen her do as a child.

My life has been so difficult to live.  No matter what I do to move on from all of what has happened, my mother and step-father have crippled me with what they have done and continue to do.  When is enough, enough with these people. Wouldn't it be sad if they did all of this destruction to me as an adult to cover-up the sex and the money transactions that I witnessed.  I mean who would really want the pastors of their church to be adultery's and con artists.  Could their paranoia of the truth being told have caused them to wipe out my life five years?  Do you think covering up the lurid affair they had while he was meant to have just been the British Nanny would have caused them to destroy me yet again? I was just wondering about all of this today.

It is said that a Malignant Narcissist will go after her adult child's children to further destroy her daughter.  It happened to me five years ago. People have done more to cover-up their sorted past, so I guess I am fortunate to be alive.  I know that I have been very careful with myself because of all of their threats when I was a child, I still have nightmares of my step-father killing me and my children.  Wouldn't it be sad if they planned all of the beatings in a hope that I would  just remember a miserable life (the one that the kind person I spoke of was trying to help me out with) and not to remember how they would fuck all day behind the locked bedroom door, giggling while my father was at work and my siblings were at school.  Can you imagine what kind of people would ruin a girls life further just to protect their reputation with the public?

I can, I am, the scape goat daughter.

Quiet Please. Recording

 

Stand proud!!

Allow your posture to be your Voice!!

Then your words can be your grace!!

Remember,

Silence is golden, until is broken,

that is when you go Platinum!!

This is our heritage,

Freedom is priceless

and

will cost you everything

with

no promises.

Exorcism Thriving In U.S., Say Experts

By Oliver Libaw
Sept. 11
The devil must be busier than ever in the new millennium.

Exorcism, the ancient rite of casting out Satan and his demons from the souls of the possessed, is thriving in America and was long before recent revelations that Mother Teresa underwent one and Pope John Paul II performed them.

"It is a big phenomenon," J. Gordon Melton, a Methodist minister who directs the Institute for the Study of American Religion, says of exorcisms in the United States.

"There is a lot of exorcism going on."

What many might consider an archaic and obscure rite has been front-page news this year.

Last week, the Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry Sebastian D'Souza, announced that he ordered an exorcism performed on Mother Teresa before she died in 1997.

D'Souza said he thought the Nobel Peace Prize-winning nun possibly was being attacked by the devil, and asked a priest to exorcise it.

Mother Teresa is not the only prominent Catholic figure linked to exorcism.

Italian media reported that Pope John Paul II attempted to exorcise evil spirits from a 19-year-old Italian woman last year, although the Vatican said he only blessed her.

The Roman Catholic Church's chief exorcist said the woman displayed superhuman strength, and that the pope's efforts did not rid her of the hostile spirit.

Closer to home, exorcism is increasingly widespread, experts say.

Different Denominations, Hundreds of Exorcists

"Exorcism is more readily available today in the United States than perhaps ever before," writes Michael Cuneo, a sociologist at Fordham University, in his newly published book, American Exorcism.

Cuneo suggests that though the hit book and movie The Exorcist brought the subject national attention in the 1970s, exorcism has grown more popular in the past two decades.

The Catholic Church has at least 10 official exorcists around the United States, nine more than a decade ago, Cuneo says. He found them reporting the kind of bizarre supernatural behavior featured in movies: levitation, mysterious scars and wounds that might form pictures or spell out hateful words, and more.

The church remains extremely cautious in approving the procedure. The vast majority of exorcisms today are performed by a variety of protestant religions, Cuneo and other experts say.

"By conservative estimates, there are at least five or six hundred evangelical exorcism ministries in operation today, and quite possibly two or three times this many," he writes, in addition to numerous exorcisms performed by charismatic, Pentecostal and other brands of Christianity.

From Screams and Vomit to Quiet Prayer

Some involve tying people to chairs and then trying to scream the demons out of them; others retch and curse while writhing on the floor. Some are more like therapy sessions, where counselor-exorcists discuss demons of lust and guilt along with traditional mental health concerns.

Roman Catholic exorcisms are elaborate, carefully planned rituals that take hours to complete. They can involve holy water, crucifixes, and sacred ruins, as laid out by the De Exorcismus et supplicationibus quibusdam, an updated exorcism manual approved by Pope John Paul II in 1998.

"There's an actual formula," says Father Joseph Scerbo, a Roman Catholic priest who heads the Association of Christian Therapists. Scerbo says actual demonic possession is extremely rare, and many may use the term incorrectly to apply to demonic affliction, which is less serious.

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Sept. 11

Scerbo doubts Mother Teresa was the victim of full-fledged demonic possession and in need of an exorcism.

In contrast to Roman Catholic ritual, many protestant exorcisms are straightforward and may not appear much different from a normal prayer service.

"We would not see it as any elaborate ritual," says the Rev. J.R. Hall, editor of the Pentecostal Herald and member of the United Pentecostal Church. He says an exorcism might involve nothing more than prayer and laying hands on the afflicted.

Many conservative protestants see the devil as an active force in the everyday lives of people, and feel that exorcism is the natural way to deal with it. They might undergo several exorcisms — also called a "deliverance" — a month.

New Age religions also have their own brand of exorcism, believing that spirits of the dead and other supernatural creatures routinely interfere with and sometimes possess the living, and must be told to leave.

Possession vs. Mental Illness: How Can You Tell?

Like many protestant groups, United Pentecostal Church members believe the Holy Spirit gives them the power of "divination" — to sense when a demon is afflicting someone.

Many people might be violent, depressed, or irreligious without any supernatural involvement.

"Through the Holy Spirit, you can tell it's more," says Hall of genuine cases of possession.

Pastor Steven Waterhouse, an evangelical Christian who heads the Westcliff Bible Church in Amarillo, Texas, has written about the differences between mental illness and possession.

"I think there are such things as demon influence but I think it's rare," he says.

"People are too quick to diagnose demons. Human nature is plenty evil on its own."

Amateur Exorcisms Linked to Deaths

Exorcism has caused a number of real-world tragedies over the years, including several deaths.

Pentecostal ministers in San Francisco pummeled a woman to death in 1995, as they tried to drive out her demons.

In 1997, a Korean Christian woman was stomped to death in Glendale, Calif., and in the Bronx section of New York City, a 5-year-old girl died after being forced to swallow a mixture containing ammonia and vinegar and having her mouth taped shut.

In 1998, a 17-year-old girl in Sayville, N.Y., was suffocated by her mother with a plastic bag, in an effort to destroy a demon inside her.

Cuneo reports that a Wisconsin woman successfully sued her psychiatrist in 1997, after he diagnosed her as diabolically possessed, and having 126 personalities, including the bride of Satan and a duck. The experience left her suicidal, she claimed.

Overall, many involved in exorcism say the prayers and rituals involved are safe and may offer some comfort to true believers who are not actually afflicted by demons.

"If it's real to the person, you have to take it seriously," says Eddie Gibbs, an Anglican priest and professor at the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. "I do believe that there is an intelligence behind evil," he insists.

But, he cautions: "We mustn't be gullible."

The Darkness Of The Day

My best friend committed suicide over what happened to us as children.  He told his parents that he could not take the fear.  I was thinking about him today.  I was thinking about how hard we fought as children to get through the most terrifing of times together just to end up dead in the end.  It seems so unfair.

If I don't confront my fears or what is haunting me then I will not be that far behind him.  There is such a thin line between finding the room to express yourself and becoming swollowed up whole by what happened to you.  Flashbacks are very difficult to deal with in your life.  I do not believe that people understand how crippling they are to your everyday existence. Maybe it is because you cannot see them.  It is difficult to see into a broken brain. Flashbacks strike at will and you never know what will trigger them, so you are cautious of everything.  I have found that when they consume me I try and relax, allowing them to run there course.  Sometimes I will write my way out of them, hence all the spelling or grammatical errors you will run across if you read my stuff or get an email in the middle of one, sorry.  I have tried a lot of different things to stop the flashback but nothing really seems to work.  It seems that when your mind wants to relive a situation that whether you are in agreement or not, your mind does it regardless.  No matter your schedule or your whereabouts.  I have tried to show patience with myself but the frustration of the situation sometimes gets the best of me.

Today I am stuck in this one continual re-run in my head.  Davy and I were in the Church Building  on O'farrel and Divisadero Streets.  We were waiting for the morning service to begin. We were coming out of one of the side rooms into the entrance hall of the church.  My mother was walking towards us with several people following her.  I looked over to Dave and immediately grabbed his hand.  I turned out of the way while still holding onto his hand because I knew what was coming next and I would try to hold onto him as long as possible.  What comes next just disturbs me to no end.  I hate that I am playing this video over and over again in my head. He sees my mother and projectile vomits across the entry hall.  The vomit flys so far that on several occasions it would hit my mother.  It was so gross, I cannot even begin to tell you how discusting this was to experience.  The worse part has yet to come.  They would grab him, yanking him out of my hand.  They would scream and yell, casting demons out of him.  I was always pushed and shoved out of the way.  There was nothing I could do once the confrontation began, I felt so helpless. It happened so many times that my mother made him carry a bucket around all of the time.  One particular time that this happened, he was made to eat the vomit.  On the day that this happened I began vomiting too. 

These times in my life are etched into my memory and now it plays like a movie for reasons that make no sense to me.  All it proceeds to do is remind me of the cruelty and abuse we suffered through.  The frustration that I suffer with all of this stored up information just continues because there is no good way to look at any of these things that took place.  The on-set of flashbacks in my life are causing me to be flustered with myself.  What is it that my mind is trying to tell me?  What lesson have I not learned?

I feel that if I do not stand against the abuse  that has happened in my life then somehow I am giving a thumbs up to what took place.

I Was Followed

The temptation of the lies

I watched and then I cried

As they ripped away at my sides

I stood and didn't die!

How easily a Narcissist creates

what they need and never gave

lessons in a cover-up

No truth was taught, Umbrella bought

as lights shine in their home.

Publicly they trend

to undo my mend

Speaking half-truths so this may end

just to attack me once again.

Hidden men, Lurking woman

Paranoia drives this madness!

Confessional from a member then

"I followed you for them."

Scary thought, of this I know

Caught them once and had to go

Difference lies in the truth he told

Made me know I wasn't old.

"Sixteen"

It was mean!

It is one thing to wonder, When?

It is something to see, Then?

Ask them the question, Why?

and you'll be beat for their lie.

Countenance must be my try

Habits never die

listing.

Ruined Life

It's Mine!

With the torn down self-esteem

The destroyed child's dream

The loveless marriages

I will not redeem

I make a solid sound

Standing with my dignity

I never waiver long

My strength is my song

The lyrics are my life

I'm sorry for the strife

A ruined life is what it is

I never questioned this

Why do you insist

That I must measure this?

My life is my own

Ruined and at home

I build from what is left

Be it sticks or be it stones

I've always been alone

To share or to speak

On subjects that may creep

Inside your soul and mind

Proves that it is time

To never give it up

It's Mine!