Showing posts sorted by relevance for query much. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query much. Sort by date Show all posts

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Coincidence Or 'Just Happens' In Timings On~Releases

APOLLO EDITION – OUT 03.11.2014



Featuring five brand new songs:
'When I Find Love Again'
'Smoke Signals'
'Breathe'
'Trail of Broken Hearts'
'Working It Out'


BREATHE LYRICS - JAMES BLUNT






Take this bloody war of mine away
I'm lost for words to say
Will they greet me at dawn

Take these muddy thoughts that are my walls
I'm not ready for the call
That will greet me at dawn

I just take what someone wants
Race when I'm in front
Break what i don't need
It's nice to watch somebody breathe

Well now come sit next to me
I'm not sleeping with a bride to be
Been wasting time like it just doesn't matter very much
So I'm happy for the company

And I sat here for eternity
No wife and no family
And I thank you very much
And I'm flattered by the touch
When you say that you're in love with me
Won't you breathe for me now
I am tired of my own

Race me to the horror at the end
I've lost myself again
In the mirror of my past

Let me, let me scratch at my own skin
I'm dying to get in
To the mirror of my past

I just take what someone wants
Race when I'm in front
Break what I don't need
It's nice to watch somebody breathe, 

Well now come sit next to me
I'm not sleeping with a bride to be
Been wasting time like it just doesn't matter very much
So I'm happy for the company

And I sat here for eternity
No wife and no family
And I'll thank you very much
And I'm flattered by the touch
When you say that you're in love with me
Won't you breathe for me now
I am tired of my own

And won't you breathe for me now
I am tired of my own

Well now come sit next to me
I'm not sleeping with a bride to be
Been wasting time like it just doesn't matter very much
So I'm happy for the company

And I sat here for eternity
No Wife and no family
And I'll thank you very much
And I'm flattered by the touch
When you say that you're in love with me

And I sat here for eternity
No wife and no family
Been wasting time like it just
Doesn't matter very much
So I'm happy for the company

Won't you breathe for me now
I am tired of my own

And won't you breathe for me now
I am tired of my own



Friday, April 29, 2011

Well, it's my birthday today, the 29th of April




I was born 46 years ago today. WOW! That is a while ago, I feel like life is going so fast on one hand and so slow on another.  My family that treated me so horribly growing up has a restraining order against me.  According to them, they can contact me but I may not contact them, not that I ever call.  Five years ago my mother contacted my ex-husband and sued me for custody of my younger two children.  I had been a single mom forever, I tried marriage twice, I failed both times.  Regardless, my two younger children, 12 and 10 wanted to go live with their Dad.  I did not know at the time that my ex-husband had taken the kids to my mom's and she promised trips to Europe, shopping sprees, etc, if they agreed to go and live with their Dad.

I never took them to my moms, due to the difference in opinion of the constant barrage of telling them I was possessed.  To make a long story short, my older two girls who I raised to 18 years of age before they moved on with life, also do not speak to me.  So, I have four kids, the older two don't speak to me, reason unknown, but my first ex-husband said it was because they were worried I would end up being like my mother.  Which I find strange, I spent so much time raising them particularly so they would never know of my past personally.  I don't see or speak to the younger ones because my mother makes sure that I cannot get through.  If you read any of my blog, you would understand I have been through some fairly bad times.  Even with that my son lives with my mother and she pays for him to go to school in the city.  Meanwhile, my daughter lives with her father and he, much like my mother, I guess you marry what you knew, will not let me get through on the phone.  Nor will he keep the agreement of the shared custody we once held.  I ran out of money fighting in court.  My ex-husband who has no job, relies on my mother to pay for his attorney.  Needless to say, she has more money than I.

Please don't jump off the deep end and begin to judge this very limited view of my story, it is more complicated than I am letting on.  I just wanted to share on my birthday how much work it took to never let my children know how much pain and agony I had been in for my life.  I had put so much effort into protecting them from all of this mess.  Turns out though that a malignant narcissist, be it my mother, will go as far as taking your children from you if she can.  I had no idea that she had been polling her money together to fight my divorce and my custody battle.  I married exactly what she is, a malignant narcissist and the two of them together have made sure I have not been able to see my two younger children in the past three years.

I had no idea that people would go so far as to ensure you have no contact with your own children.  I mean I had raised them on my own, working very hard to support us.  When they came to an age where you do not have to change diapers, carry them about, dress them everyday, they moved right in and took them away.  I was not prepared for such a full force assault, it was me against all of them. That is an awful lot of people.

So today I wish all of you my best. I cannot help my life but I hope that your lives end up more prosperous and less tortured than I have experienced.  Thanks for reading, thanks for not being a judge, thanks for just being a person that believes this is far more complicated than what has been written.


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

The National Media's Function Is Not To Care About Your Self A Steam For The Real For^Play Off Politics Or What Is Pole^Lit^Tick^Coal Venture^Ring??



Energy a fascinating subject!! People know it is present however it cannot not be seen, just as the substance of this write?? No.



October 26th at 5:30 pm or so I wrote a tier to speak a Volume!!

My mother told me so many times while growing-up that when I went out into the world to make my way that people would just use me and toss me away like the trash when their done.  However she said that it would not be in the way that they could not come back and use me again. Hindsight being 20/20 for all whom are aware of strange happenings, my mother seemed to have practiced this one on me the most.  However that is not the point.  My mother has called me in the past couple of years just not with as much vigor.  So any person that calls to tell me how she is doing please accept this with as much salt as you can possibly muster as my mother is a venture not a mark.

My siblings are wonderful counters to what is a coin. Would  it not be strange if persons just called to get a grain of salt to sand their feather of a scratch for the coin in a  clock.  For the fact that the silents is board and decision has brought lessons from just being alive I have not put pen to witness much of anything as why bother.

Many people I knew growing-up would party while I had decided to take a different path and I chose to work really hard, i.e. you know, that American Dream??  I really went for it, because I was raised to believe that it was real.

As just being a person living life and attempting to achieve the above I have  have been surrounded by so much and in addition particular type of people.  Oddly these people would do what is self-professing, of course that was after the fact and probably so they could accomplish the above by telling me that they were working on themselves and would not be of that character anymore all while they are walking away, slamming doors and/or loading all my stuff into their cars, it was weird to say the least (note my older sister in Texas: A story blip in one of my blogs).  Now the type of people that people claimed to be in lot, pathological liars, malignant narcissists, covert narcissists, narcissists, etc., plus I believe that you can understand the point.

Now to the candor of this message to whom I know has said that they have problems with telling lies.  Each of my children has pointed to the other one and said they are telling lies to gain my favor and that would be normal should you all be five years old, however now it is just fact.  You have 'cause in's and altogether that makes 'the 'cause in' a grand and wonderful affair of minds that can come together and embrace each other?? The challenges??  Together all of you, and there are a bunch of you can decide to become grand individuals by supporting each other??

So to that entire write saying Hello Rebecca, it is the honest at what is the leader of the chest.  As that is such a board game it is Shareshton and Clydey and Johno and Lauren and Kathleen and Kelsey and all of their step-siblings together that gives  what I wrote the note to the matter of comprehension.

The subject brought The Champagne to each of you and the reality of what is not conjecture. To that fact that particular people have laughed, and left discovery to only note as gossip and used the tread to passport a conversation of such I say, more power to you as that is a great find for the dinner's I know that you have had with others (another commonly used word on the national news).

Now to put to your day another wonder of the world, Geemie, my mother what an incredible teach too.  Oh for the grace of my mother as how she loves all of  her grandchildren, however as I know so much is on the edge of her name now say Tottsie as that is the nickname that I whaled to the roam of my life in real sewn.  Allow this slow choice of verb to noun to register with her grandchildren as my grandfather gave her that bit of grain to sing the Great Depression of what is a grave to a Yard as humanity is the contagion of the Flew today, kind of cool.lean to taught or Sea.

Just say that life is knowing that love is showing more than a brisk sweep to gather the leaves, it is the promise of my life to hers at a time before you could understand while my older sister was ripping her apart and while we walked downtown in San Francisco at Union Square, funny how that went to the dimes after the ring all in a year of bing, bing, bing.



October 26th, 2016 at 5:22pm

The liar's that have been a constant in my life,
the fact that many persons have used me for charging leans to dollars from cruels,
a basket full to brim of how bad it is to be kept in the fee's,
a regard for this had been lyric's to the song for so long,
it is difficult on each day to talk a face value,
apron counts to strings that people have attached to my balance of frame.

Whether it is the chore to comprise their chart to just a coin,
or the measure of how to be sure I never do gain a truth,
people on vast trails consistently rise to only pushers of such rides.

I wonder to the faces in silents as over the phone its not the change grain,
for until the persons are eye to shoulder,
the lie continues for the form,
this is the reason why I am alone,
as it is that face to place that makes all the library come to a chapter of book with one single look.

It is as the fill-in the blank comes in rattles and parked,
for that compass its different to think on a thought of girth,
again I question a speak at a spoke,
history has proven that it provides.

I travel in quiet to what is the paddle??,
no,
I journal a note for the feed of the bottle??,
no,
I say that it's this as the that is the other??,
no,
I'm honest in blink to know of historical snyc.

The tears are in myself in the depth of this oar,
for on the telephone I take things with a shake??,
for the salt on these wounds are deep and don't move,
after that it is clocked like a skunk with a knack,
grace be mine for habits bear signs,
may the darkness of lie's become more than just die,
might the letters that were written in tied with more ribbons,
find a Pandora that may explain this big sand,
as my heart is harmed to a brace kept on once,
it's the upon the story that makes the entire event more than the dealt??

Copious amount of what is a rock,
the pebbles of mountains and valleys for store,
corner a peek and speak to that river,
tears on my insides will fill this a bigger,
for it is the change that I hope finds me more than a dump,
that people will see I would like to be loved,
just as I am with no dollar signs boned.

Be sure to tweet your response to the News this A.M. or P.M. or at Noon!! That path has made the News Casting as a full-Core to The Drink of Gin Rum E! at the screen^kneeing of what is a jobs report?? Maybe will Talk and not just speak.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Picture James Blunt in Zimbabwe Its An Outing


IT was a full house at the much anticipated English songwriter and singer James Blunt’s Moon Landing Tour Concert which took place at the Harare International Conference Centre (HICC) in Harare on Tuesday evening.



Pictures: James Blunt performs in Zimbabwe

IT was a full house at the much anticipated English songwriter and singer James Blunt’s Moon Landing Tour Concert which took place at the Harare International Conference Centre (HICC) in Harare on Tuesday evening.
TU
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James Blunt Harare concert a huge success



IT was full house at the much-anticipated English songwriter and singer James Blunt’s Moon Landing Tour Concert which took place at the Harare International Conference Centre (HICC) in Harare on Tuesday evening.
BY TINASHE SIBANDA
Despite Blunt’s consistency in churning out hit after hit that kept audiences singing along, organisers appeared to have done their homework on security.
Dressed in a pair of jeans and T-shirt together with his band gave the audience a good run for their money with lots of interaction as he would take time to crack a few jokes leaving them in stitches in the two-hour performance.
He performed hits including Where Are You Now, Beautiful Dawn Satellites, These Are The Words and Postcards among many others that made the audience forget it was a midweek show.
Blunt took time to tell the audience that he had been very much impressed by the crowd considering that it was only his first time performing in Zimbabwe.
It was at that moment he sang the hits Bonfire Heart, Goodbye My Lover and You’re Beautiful that the audience got into an even bigger frenzy of enjoyment.
“This is my favourite guitar which I even take to my bedroom. I use it to make me feel bigger,” he said showing the audience a tiny guitar which he went on to play with ease just as the others.
He also took his time off the stage to get even closer to his audience, crowd-surfing which made it even a more memorable affair for the audience.
Blunt rose to prominence in 2004 with the release of his debut studio album Back To Bedlam, before achieving worldwide fame with the singles You’re Beautiful and Goodbye My Lover.
The album sold over 11 million copies worldwide, topping the UK album charts and peaking at number two in the United States.
Blunt’s second album, All The Lost Souls, was released in 2007, topped the charts in over 20 countries and produced the hit single 1973.
His third album, Some Kind of Trouble, was released in 2010, after its lead single Stay the Night.
A deluxe edition was then released the following year, titled Some Kind of Trouble: Revisited.
Blunt has sold over 20 million albums and 17 million singles worldwide, with his debut album, Back to Bedlam, being listed as the best-selling album of the 2000s in the UK.
Blunt has also received several awards and nominations, having won two Brit Awards, two MTV Video Music Awards, two Ivor Novello Awards as well as receiving five Grammy Award nominations.



Ebola: Namibians told to avoid Zimbabwe

THE Namibian government has warned against travel to Zimbabwe following reports that Harare had quarantined over 100 people who returned from countries affected by the deadly Ebola outbreak in West Africa.
Speaking to local media from New York, the country’s health minister Richard Kamwi said he was not aware of the quarantine in Zimbabwe but warned Namibians not to visit that country.
“The incubation period for Ebola is 21 days and until they are over and the country has been declared safe, I advise Namibians not to visit and Zimbabweans not to come to Namibia,” he said.
Kamwi also maintained that no Namibian is yet allowed to visit Nigeria and Senegal.
This is despite the fact that the WHO on Monday declared that the Ebola virus had been “pretty much contained” in Nigeria and Senegal and declared the two countries Ebola-free.
“We do not know without doubt that it is contained, so we still need to take care of ourselves,” he said.
Last month the minister advised visitors from Ebola-hit countries not to visit Namibia until further notice and Namibians not to travel to such countries.
He said this advice does not affect Namibian citizens who are entitled to come back since they are guaranteed such rights in terms of the country's Constitution.
“However, such Namibians will be subjected to strict screening at the port of entry to ensure that they are not infected with Ebola,” Kamwi said.
Affected countries include Guinea, Liberia, Nigeria, and Sierra Leone and now Senegal, Zimbabwe as well as the Democratic Republic of Congo.
The Ebola virus has killed more than 2,800 people since March this year.

Lockdown in Harare over Ebola scare


WILKINS Infectious Diseases Hospital was on Thursday forced to close following suspicions that one of its patients was suffering from the deadly Ebola disease.
Patients who rely on the hospital for HIV/AIDS drugs and cancer therapy were left stranded after the early morning lockdown.
Wilkins’ medical superintendent, Hilda Bara, tried in vain to pacify the restive patients but was very clear on what was happening.
“We are managing a suspected Ebola case. The decision to shut this hospital down was made in order to protect you from contracting the disease if it is proven that indeed the patient is suffering from Ebola,” she said.
“We would like to ask you to understand the situation and to seek treatment at Beatrice hospital (Nazareth). Those who want to undergo cervical cancer screening should visit their local clinics. We have also sent our nurses to Nazareth and the officials at the institution are aware of the changes so they will assist you.”
The instruction was greeted with grumbling by the patients who expressed fears they might default on their therapy.
Others said they were only left with a days or week’s supply while some had booked to see doctors at the clinic and feared they could not get the same treatment elsewhere.
With the situation increasingly looking desperate Health Minister David Parirenyatwa later told journalists at Parirenyatwa Hospital where he was visiting that there was no need to panic.
“The issue here is that of public health versus public panic. We need to curb that. Let me emphasise that there is still no Ebola in Zimbabwe and we hope there will never be,” he said. “There have been several scares and I think we need to control it by educating not only the public but also our health professionals so that they don’t get scared.
“(The patient) came to this hospital with fever, and high temperature and was vomiting and bleeding but our doctors did malaria tests and she was positive, so she has malaria. To us it’s still a scare.
“We are sending the specimens to South Africa to test the effectiveness of our system, in case we have a case. However we are still treating the case as suspected Ebola while we wait for the results. We don’t have Ebola in Zimbabwe,” Parirenyatwa said.
While Parirenyatwa claimed the suspected Harare Polytechnic student had first been admitted at Parirenyatwa hospital after visiting her home country, DRC, officials at the health institution contradicted the minister.

Acting clinical director, Noah Madziva, said: “We never transferred any patient to Wilkins. All our patients are here.”
With social media abuzz with information that the patient was a student at the Harare Polytechnic and was from the central African country, city health director, Prosper Chonzi, could neither confirm nor deny the claims.
He however, confirmed the student had been under surveillance before she fell sick.
“It is highly unlikely that it is Ebola but we have a patient who is at Wilkins, someone from DRC who went to Parirenyatwa Hospital and they thought it was Ebola after she got there with a high temperature, vomiting and some nose bleed and yesterday was her 21st day in Zimbabwe. She was in Lubumbashi which is like 3 000km away from where Ebola is.
“We did rapid malaria tests and she tested positive so we are managing it as malaria but we are using this opportunity to try out the system, in case we have the virus in Zimbabwe,” Chonzi said.
He added: “We have already collected specimen samples to be tested in South Africa. The results will tell us in four hours whether it is Ebola or not, but we have so far ruled out Ebola.
“The action is only precautionary and meant to test how efficient our systems are in terms of speed and effectiveness.”
The disease has so far claimed over 3 000 lives in West Africa and has now caused panic in Spain, the United States and Australia.
Southern Africa has only had two confirmed cases of the disease in the DRC.
According to the World Health Organisation, five people are being infected every hour and the figure could double by November.
Questions have been raised over Zimbabwe’s preparedness with intermittent claims of patients having been diagnosed with the virus. All the claims have so far proved to be hoaxes.

Zimbabwe: Water and Sanitation Crisis

Government Mismanagement, Corruption Risks Lives of Millions
NOVEMBER 19, 2013


(Harare) – The water and sanitation crisis inZimbabwe’s capital, Harare, places millions of residents at risk of waterborne disease, Human Rights Watch said in a report released today. Five years after cholera killed over 4,000 people and sickened 100,000 more, the conditions that allowed the epidemic to flourish persist in Harare’s hOne mother told Human Rights Watch: “We have one toilet for the whole house and there are 21 people who live here. The flushing system doesn’t work because there is no water, so we have to use buckets. When there isn’t any water for flushing we just use the bush.”
Corruption and mismanagement at the local and national levels of government exacerbate the situation, Human Rights Watch said. For example, city budget guidelines specify that most of the revenue from water must be ploughed back into the system for maintenance and improvement, but even government officials acknowledged that the money is diverted for other uses. As a result, key parts of the service delivery system, like purchasing water treatment chemicals, are not adequately funded, leading the city to produce less potable water.  
Until the late 1980s, Zimbabwe had a functioning water system, with access to potable water for 85 percent of the population. In Harare, remnants of this system are visible in a complex piped water and sewage system to which many residents are connected. The piped infrastructure has not been maintained, however. The result of deterioration of the system combined with a significant increase in the population is that the water now runs only sporadically and is often contaminated.
“Everyone has a right to access a minimum amount of potable water,” Kasambala said. “The government’s inability to maintain the water system and its practice of disconnecting those unable to pay forces people to drink water from contaminated taps or from unprotected wells.”
The government should take a number of steps to improve Harare’s water and sanitation crisis, including investing in low-cost sanitation and water strategies. These include providing community toilets and pit latrines, and drilling and maintaining boreholes so that residents do not have to rely on contaminated sources. A sliding fee scale for municipal water should be put in place to provide affordable water for low-income families, and no home should be disconnected from the city water supply for lack of payment.
Earlier in 2013, the government announced a US$144 million loan from the Chinese government, with 46 Chinese engineers coming to Harare, to upgrade the water infrastructure primarily by improving the sewage treatment plants. While the government has promoted the loan as the solution to Harare’s water crisis, its terms have not been made public. Critics have decried the loan as exemplifying the lack of transparency and corruption in water and sewage services.  
The government of Zimbabwe is obliged under international law to protect the right to water and sanitation, Human Rights Watch said. In 2010, Zimbabwe voted for a United Nations General Assembly resolution establishing the right to water and sanitation. The recognition of this right acknowledges that water and sanitation are crucial not only for health, but also for other key aspects of development, such as gender equality, education and economic growth. Zimbabwe’s constitution and domestic laws protect the right to water and, through protections concerning the environment, the right to sanitation. In May, Zimbabwe ratified a newconstitution that includes an explicit right to water.
“Harare’s water and sanitation system has been destroyed by decades of neglect and by ongoing mismanagement and corruption,” Kasambala said. “The 2008 cholera epidemic was a visible catastrophe, but less visible suffering, deaths, and indignity continue.igh-density suburbs.
The 60-page report, “Troubled Water: Burst Pipes, Contaminated Wells, and Open Defecation in Zimbabwe’s Capital,” describes how residents have little access to potable water and sanitation services, and often resort to drinking water from shallow, unprotected wells that are contaminated with sewage, and to defecating outdoors. The conditions violate their right to water, sanitation, and health. The report is based on research conducted in 2012 and 2013 in Harare, including 80 interviews with residents, mostly women, in eight high-density suburbs.
“Harare’s water and sanitation system is broken and the government isn’t fixing it,” said Tiseke Kasambala, Southern Africa director at Human Rights Watch. “In many communities there is no water for drinking or bathing, there is sewage in the streets, there is diarrhea and typhoid and the threat of another cholera epidemic.”
Many residents said that the lack of household water forced them to wait for water at boreholes for up to five hours a day, and that violence frequently erupted when lines were especially long. People believe these boreholes – 200 of which were drilled by international agencies during the cholera epidemic – are the safest water option available, yet one-third of boreholes tested in Harare by Harare Water, the city agency in charge of water, showed contamination. 
Residents also said that the city charged them for municipal water even when the water flowed only sporadically or was contaminated. If people were unable to pay their bills, the city turned off their water supply.
Some residents described raw sewage flowing into their homes and streets from burst pipes, in which children frequently played. The water shortage and the lack of functioning indoor toilets or community latrines sometimes gave them no choice but to defecate outdoors.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Principle = Doubt <> Belief




To develop a quality set of principles takes the understanding and the ability to face your own doubts as well as confronting your beliefs. Principles seem to be based on the sobriety of One's mind, the actions of One's behavior and the solidarity of One being true too.

I was very doubtful that I could ever recover from the events of my childhood. Although I always had the belief that one day it would solve itself. These troubling events seem to have haunted me in my Adult Life.  In a rather severe nature, it has persisted with Flashbacks, with People, however I am still a life. I am often stifled with fear and completely overcome with anxiousness or terror. I am with every waking moment, with every fiber of my being, facing this entire life of that I have been so fortunate to have lived, Head-on. I refuse to give-up on the dream of a peaceful life without Fear or Terror occupying my Mind's space. Yet, I am plagued with my own doubt that I may not be successful in this endeavor. Providing my self with Self-reflection to bring about this change.

Ever since I was a child I have dreamed that life could be beautiful, if I could only settle my thoughts. It seems like I am constantly running from something, but the problem is "the something". In my case I was horribly abused at the hands of my mother. She went for counseling in the seventies where she received some prescription medicine for her problem. Upon returning home on that very day so long ago, the parishioners surrounded her to support her in the days appeal. When she informed them of the outcome and opinion of the doctor, they rose as one and pronounced the doctor wrong. They, being the congregation, said that she did not need to take this medication and that there was nothing wrong with her. The congregational "friends" said that the diagnosis was incorrect and that this was a direct attack from the devil and prayer in open Hallelujahs was the answer. The medication was flushed down the commode and she never returned to the shrink that had helped her so much on that day. I was there for the entire scheduled appointment. I remember the Doctor saying to me, "your Mom is going to feel better very soon". I never spoke much as a child, but the kindness on that day for a woman that was out of control and miserable in her life is sunk deep in my memory.

My entire life, since I was eighteen I have taken anti-anxieties for my problem; panic attacks. I had tried anti-depressants but they did not work for me. A few years ago after loosing my home and being at zero dollars in my bank account I applied and received Medi-cal.  I went and asked for counseling, as the flashbacks had become overwhelming.  I asked for anti-anxieties and they refused to give them to me quoting " they are addictive".  I told the Doctors that it was the only thing that ever helped me get through very troubling moments in my mind.  I was told that I was incorrect and that my earlier doctors only gave me this because they wanted to make me happy by giving me what I wanted.  The Doctor went on to say, " We have taken an oath and will not do what a patient wants, we will do what we are trained to do".  This took place at a public health facility called "The Petaluma Health"  in Petaluma, CA.   

Also, the counseling from this place in the Mental Health office did not tell me I only would receive 12 visits and after that you are meant to deal with your problem on your own by not thinking about it.  Now if you have a meltdown or a flare-up then its dealt with on a case by case study, however we have no real budgeting for more than the twelve sessions.  Of course, my counselor, Ulla did not tell me this until my tenth visit and just after I had opened this very large can of worms in my mind about a gang rape I suffered through as a kid.  It was a nightmare and I doubted that I would survive this one.  To begin to speak on a subject at the encouragement of your counselor to get things out in the open for her to just turn and say well we have two more sessions was a little two much.  She also told me I was not unique and that believing in magic was a childish view.  I never went back and lived from then till now in the nightmare of this gang rape stuck in my head.

I have continued to march on somehow.  In my mothers case and upon her friends telling her that the shrink was the devil casting out the influence of Satan upon her life, she founded a church. I guess I could have done this for myself, LOL. Her friends became the parishioners she needed and the progressive support required to not be noticed by the public for your obvious oddities.  She ended up surrounding herself with these type of people that possessed no principles and felt unabashed in her belief of false health.  She has been on her merry way in her life ever since.

For years I harbored so much resentment about all that surrounded that very day.  The frustration and anger comes from the point of no return.  For over forty years this ministry of hers has been flowing.  When these people, parishioners and/or friends had had enough of this cult of my mothers, they just packed up, one be one collecting their families and drove off into the night.  They just left me in this madness as they all have gone on with their lives.  Do they take heed to the decision and proclamation of their own voices on that important day, I don't think they even remember it. They just turn a blind eye and say that they are glad that they are no longer caught up in the insanity of the church.  The saddest state of affairs, took place, when upon the exit of one person the entry of another would conveniently arrive.  Where are the principles people so freely speak of?, for I have seen none growing-up. Nor have I seen them in my adult life in this matter.  For obviously the cycle will never end for my mother, for one persons demise is the liberty of another to step to the drummers beat and arise to the occasion of being her new best friend.   Ugg!

I had so much doubt about out living this constant frustration with people infiltrating my life.  The stories that my mother tells them are collected in the imagination and minds of whomever is her active friend of the day.  Whereas I become exhausted and the people that drop out run away from this scene and are barely able to hold onto life, these new rested beings are quite excited about handling, disciplining and teaching her out of control offspring  on a daily basis.  I doubted this would ever end, I was correct, it never did and now it is worse.  All I could do is believe in this one simple fact for myself. At forty, the magical age of accounting for missing information it seems, I will have a slim chance to confront this abscess. This is due to Natures forced opinion that you shall recall your defaults and deal with the disappointments in your life thus far before you may continue on any venue of life as you knew it. This is not represses memory syndrome, this is called Natural Law and is run efficiently by creation itself. This is a strong belief of mine, "I will survive"!!

I doubt you will understand. However you must!  I could not leave my mothers home until I was eighteen.  Did you know that regardless of how hard you try to put all the past down and keep it behind you it doesn't work?  The problem is that your family whom caused all of this havoc can never be forgotten and you can never get away, no matter how hard you try.  I had no one to talk to about the truth of this matter. I was the child of a mother who ran a cult. I was totally screwed.  Either everybody hates you because your mother is psycho and is such an awful human being they are now afraid of her. Or you are looked at by people that you hold a grudge against your family and should forgive them. Saying, "nothing could be that bad", grant it I never told them anything.  I just said I did not get along with my family. Those people would tell me that I lacked in principles and they doubted that I had been raised to be so sorted in my views of God, religion, life, etc.  Don't worry, as soon as those people met my mother or family they would try to apologize to me, or they would just disappear and I would never hear from them again.  Wow, they are so brave. I have never seen people exit stage left so fast in my life as when this happens.

I doubt so much and believe in much less, but I do know that I work on being a person of principles.  I work on this each and every day so that I do not adversely effect other people with negative energy from myself or my opinions.


The definition of doubt, belief and principle is very important to know and/or become familiar with in your life today.  I believe that if you do not know doubt personally and you do not know about your beliefs personally than you are incapable of possessing any principle, not a one. Let alone being capable of saying that you have any principles to stand on. For the familiarity of both doubt and belief are equal than and less than one another, leaving you what equals out to be, your own principles in the end. It must be, especially after I read the definition of all three.


doubt

[dout] Show IPA
–verb (used with object)
1.
to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
2.
to distrust.
3.
Archaic . to fear; be apprehensive about.
–verb (used without object)
4.
to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
–noun
5.
a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

be·lief

[bih-leef] Show IPA
–noun
1.
something believed;  an opinion or conviction: a belief that the earth is flat.
2.
confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof: a statement unworthy of belief.
3.
confidence; faith; trust: a child's belief in his parents.
4.
a religious tenet or tenets; religious creed or faith: the Christian belief.

prin·ci·ple

[prin-suh-puhl] Show IPA
–noun
1.
an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct: a person of good moral principles.
2.
a fundamental, primary, or general law or truth from which others are derived: the principles of modern physics.
3.
a fundamental doctrine or tenet; a distinctive ruling opinion: the principles of the Stoics.
4.
principles, a personal or specific basis of conduct or management: to adhere to one's principles; a kindergarten run on modern principles.
5.
guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.
6.
an adopted rule or method for application in action: a working principle for general use.
7.
a rule or law exemplified in natural phenomena, the construction or operation of a machine, the working of a system, or the like: the principle of capillary attraction.
8.
the method of formation, operation, or procedure exhibited in a given case: a community organized on the patriarchal principle.
9.
a determining characteristic of something; essential quality.
10.
an originating or actuating agency or force: growth is the principle of life.
11.
an actuating agency in the mind or character, as an instinct, faculty, or natural tendency: the principles of human behavior.
Thanks to the on-line dictionary, Dictionary.Com