To develop a quality set of principles takes the understanding and the ability to face your own doubts as well as confronting your beliefs. Principles seem to be based on the sobriety of One's mind, the actions of One's behavior and the solidarity of One being true too.
I was very doubtful that I could ever recover from the events of my childhood. Although I always had the belief that one day it would solve itself. These troubling events seem to have haunted me in my Adult Life. In a rather severe nature, it has persisted with Flashbacks, with People, however I am still a life. I am often stifled with fear and completely overcome with anxiousness or terror. I am with every waking moment, with every fiber of my being, facing this entire life of that I have been so fortunate to have lived, Head-on. I refuse to give-up on the dream of a peaceful life without Fear or Terror occupying my Mind's space. Yet, I am plagued with my own doubt that I may not be successful in this endeavor. Providing my self with Self-reflection to bring about this change.
Ever since I was a child I have dreamed that life could be beautiful, if I could only settle my thoughts. It seems like I am constantly running from something, but the problem is "the something". In my case I was horribly abused at the hands of my mother. She went for counseling in the seventies where she received some prescription medicine for her problem. Upon returning home on that very day so long ago, the parishioners surrounded her to support her in the days appeal. When she informed them of the outcome and opinion of the doctor, they rose as one and pronounced the doctor wrong. They, being the congregation, said that she did not need to take this medication and that there was nothing wrong with her. The congregational "friends" said that the diagnosis was incorrect and that this was a direct attack from the devil and prayer in open Hallelujahs was the answer. The medication was flushed down the commode and she never returned to the shrink that had helped her so much on that day. I was there for the entire scheduled appointment. I remember the Doctor saying to me, "your Mom is going to feel better very soon". I never spoke much as a child, but the kindness on that day for a woman that was out of control and miserable in her life is sunk deep in my memory.
My entire life, since I was eighteen I have taken anti-anxieties for my problem; panic attacks. I had tried anti-depressants but they did not work for me. A few years ago after loosing my home and being at zero dollars in my bank account I applied and received Medi-cal. I went and asked for counseling, as the flashbacks had become overwhelming. I asked for anti-anxieties and they refused to give them to me quoting " they are addictive". I told the Doctors that it was the only thing that ever helped me get through very troubling moments in my mind. I was told that I was incorrect and that my earlier doctors only gave me this because they wanted to make me happy by giving me what I wanted. The Doctor went on to say, " We have taken an oath and will not do what a patient wants, we will do what we are trained to do". This took place at a public health facility called "The Petaluma Health" in Petaluma, CA.
Also, the counseling from this place in the Mental Health office did not tell me I only would receive 12 visits and after that you are meant to deal with your problem on your own by not thinking about it. Now if you have a meltdown or a flare-up then its dealt with on a case by case study, however we have no real budgeting for more than the twelve sessions. Of course, my counselor, Ulla did not tell me this until my tenth visit and just after I had opened this very large can of worms in my mind about a gang rape I suffered through as a kid. It was a nightmare and I doubted that I would survive this one. To begin to speak on a subject at the encouragement of your counselor to get things out in the open for her to just turn and say well we have two more sessions was a little two much. She also told me I was not unique and that believing in magic was a childish view. I never went back and lived from then till now in the nightmare of this gang rape stuck in my head.
I have continued to march on somehow. In my mothers case and upon her friends telling her that the shrink was the devil casting out the influence of Satan upon her life, she founded a church. I guess I could have done this for myself, LOL. Her friends became the parishioners she needed and the progressive support required to not be noticed by the public for your obvious oddities. She ended up surrounding herself with these type of people that possessed no principles and felt unabashed in her belief of false health. She has been on her merry way in her life ever since.
For years I harbored so much resentment about all that surrounded that very day. The frustration and anger comes from the point of no return. For over forty years this ministry of hers has been flowing. When these people, parishioners and/or friends had had enough of this cult of my mothers, they just packed up, one be one collecting their families and drove off into the night. They just left me in this madness as they all have gone on with their lives. Do they take heed to the decision and proclamation of their own voices on that important day, I don't think they even remember it. They just turn a blind eye and say that they are glad that they are no longer caught up in the insanity of the church. The saddest state of affairs, took place, when upon the exit of one person the entry of another would conveniently arrive. Where are the principles people so freely speak of?, for I have seen none growing-up. Nor have I seen them in my adult life in this matter. For obviously the cycle will never end for my mother, for one persons demise is the liberty of another to step to the drummers beat and arise to the occasion of being her new best friend. Ugg!
I had so much doubt about out living this constant frustration with people infiltrating my life. The stories that my mother tells them are collected in the imagination and minds of whomever is her active friend of the day. Whereas I become exhausted and the people that drop out run away from this scene and are barely able to hold onto life, these new rested beings are quite excited about handling, disciplining and teaching her out of control offspring on a daily basis. I doubted this would ever end, I was correct, it never did and now it is worse. All I could do is believe in this one simple fact for myself. At forty, the magical age of accounting for missing information it seems, I will have a slim chance to confront this abscess. This is due to Natures forced opinion that you shall recall your defaults and deal with the disappointments in your life thus far before you may continue on any venue of life as you knew it. This is not represses memory syndrome, this is called Natural Law and is run efficiently by creation itself. This is a strong belief of mine, "I will survive"!!
I doubt you will understand. However you must! I could not leave my mothers home until I was eighteen. Did you know that regardless of how hard you try to put all the past down and keep it behind you it doesn't work? The problem is that your family whom caused all of this havoc can never be forgotten and you can never get away, no matter how hard you try. I had no one to talk to about the truth of this matter. I was the child of a mother who ran a cult. I was totally screwed. Either everybody hates you because your mother is psycho and is such an awful human being they are now afraid of her. Or you are looked at by people that you hold a grudge against your family and should forgive them. Saying, "nothing could be that bad", grant it I never told them anything. I just said I did not get along with my family. Those people would tell me that I lacked in principles and they doubted that I had been raised to be so sorted in my views of God, religion, life, etc. Don't worry, as soon as those people met my mother or family they would try to apologize to me, or they would just disappear and I would never hear from them again. Wow, they are so brave. I have never seen people exit stage left so fast in my life as when this happens.
I doubt so much and believe in much less, but I do know that I work on being a person of principles. I work on this each and every day so that I do not adversely effect other people with negative energy from myself or my opinions.
The definition of doubt, belief and principle is very important to know and/or become familiar with in your life today. I believe that if you do not know doubt personally and you do not know about your beliefs personally than you are incapable of possessing any principle, not a one. Let alone being capable of saying that you have any principles to stand on. For the familiarity of both doubt and belief are equal than and less than one another, leaving you what equals out to be, your own principles in the end. It must be, especially after I read the definition of all three.
doubt
[dout]
Show IPA
–verb (used with object)
1.
to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.
–verb (used without object)
4.
to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
–noun
5.
Show IPA
be·lief
[bih-leef] Show IPA
–noun
2.
confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof: a statement unworthy of belief.
3.
confidence; faith; trust: a child's belief in his parents.
4.
l] Show IPA
–noun
a religious tenet or tenets; religious creed or faith: the Christian belief.
prin·ci·ple
[prin-suh-puhl] Show IPA
1.
an accepted or professed rule of action or conduct: a person of good moral principles.
2.
a fundamental, primary, or general law or truth from which others are derived: the principles of modern physics.
4.
principles, a personal or specific basis of conduct or management: to adhere to one's principles; a kindergarten run on modern principles.
5.
guiding sense of the requirements and obligations of right conduct: a person of principle.
6.
an adopted rule or method for application in action: a working principle for general use.
7.
a rule or law exemplified in natural phenomena, the construction or operation of a machine, the working of a system, or the like: the principle of capillary attraction.
8.
the method of formation, operation, or procedure exhibited in a given case: a community organized on the patriarchal principle.
9.
a determining characteristic of something; essential quality.
10.
an originating or actuating agency or force: growth is the principle of life.
11.
an actuating agency in the mind or character, as an instinct, faculty, or natural tendency: the principles of human behavior.
Thanks to the on-line dictionary, Dictionary.Com
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