Anger

June 3rd, 2009

I am so entirely angry.  I see his face in my minds eye.  The tension in his jaw.  His clenched fist.  His very core seems to be coarsening with revenge towards me.

An infection of sorts, I try to breathe and allow these feelings I am having to flow into the fresh air that is coming into my body with every breath I take.  As my lungs fill and empty, as my heart is pumping with a well known and practiced rhythm of control, my body begins to steady.  But, now my breath fills the veins in my body with the anger that is coarsening through me still, I only released through breath the air not needed to survive.  It is almost a throbbing release, as I can actually see the energy of the "angry self" escaping into the open and blowing through the forestry of men. 

I draw into myself.

As fear begins to envelope my very being, I choke. I have tried to speak, terrified I will discontinue my speech, I must freeze frame this entire journey.  This is all so incredibly painful, with every turn there is another memory that just blurts itself into the fore front of my conscious self.

What incredible terror I am filled with when these things seem to invade me at my moments of enlightenment into my past.  These memories, these flashbacks, these haunting moments happen for a reason.  This is all beyond me at the moment, but, I am beginning an understanding of what it is to play an actionable role in my life.

I crawl with anticipation of what is to come forward in my life.  I anticipate nothing and am expecting so much less.  I do not want to be beaten, I do not want to be fouled with their words.  I am tired of all the manipulation.  I am tired of being absolutely terrified, my parents frighten me.  I am only in the thought of "Help Me!".  I feel Three, then Four, sometimes Five and today Two.

Why is there such disbelief when it comes to what they have done to me?  My poor mind shakes in fright at the thought of my youth.  My birth is the nature of all this hatred.  I cannot change this, yet, I am beating today for it.  

Not just my parents, but my siblings hate me.  Almost as if the "perpetratees" have now become the "perpetrators".  They battle for their reasoning but theirs is still not mine.  I am so petrified about being alone with any of these people.  The threats are to much to hold, the secrets are bolding me. Which simply means that the secrets are coming out of me in a bold manner of speech and somehow is showing up in my body language as well.

I am not certain what restrains me from free flowing thought of the things in my past.  Fear!! It seems to consume me.

K.Placek