Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Energy = Positive + Negative




My mother had a church that she founded in the early seventies.  My mother has a diagnoses, some type of a narcissistic disorder.  My mother was an evangelical minister that never received an education in the World of Ministry.  My mother believes that she has the power and the authority to cast demons out of people.  My mother believes that she can perform exorcisms.  My mother had two people commit suicide out of her church.  My mother manipulates people in such a way that they have literally changed their Wills and left her and the church as the benefactor.  My mother lives in a home that was purchased by one of the church members that not only committed suicide, but, also had an adult circumcision.  She forced the issue until its completion.  My mother spoke to my best friend two weeks before his suicide.  My mother married a man fourteen years her junior, ordaining him into the church as a Pastor, giving him the authority over Satan.  My mother used to replace her name in the bible where it said "God" with her name.  My mother runs a non-profit today.  This makes and keeps a profit for herself and nobody cares to do anything about it.  No one will investigate the charity.  My mother is a manipulator.  My mother is a spiritual abuser.  My mother knows I was kidnapped and sexually abused when I was a child.  My mother told me she was raped and she then became pregnant with me, this is how I was born.  My mother said I had "bad genes" and that the "spirit of silence" was the demonic possession inside of me.  My mother has been abusing me since my birth.  My mother baptized me in the Church of Satan when I was three.  My mother allowed my step-father and brother abuse me.  My mother allowed the church members into our lives.  My mother demanded them to be sub-servant to her.  My mother found only criticism to flow from her mouth, body, soul, spirit and mind.

My mother birthed me and left me to others to be raised.  However, I never left her side until I was eighteen.  She raised me inside of a bubble, away from anyone or anything that would or could identify me as being abused.

My mother continues today in her same manners.  Supported by my step-father and my four siblings.  My mother hates me.  My half-sister told me I should take a gun and blow my head off because it would be the best thing for the family.  My mother does not want me to talk, nor does she want me to write this book.  My mother broke the straw that broke the camels back, literally.  My back collapsed and so did I.

My mother is a narcissist.  I am her daughter and this is the narcissistic view of a child.  Listen carefully, walk softly because you could have been anyone of these people; loosing your life, your savings, your trust fund or your child to this church.  Or is it a cult?  It has since dispersed for the most part.  All of the people are either dead or surviving this horror someplace in the world today.  My mother sold the church building which had been purchased by the same man that purchased the home where she currently resides as a parish.  Upon the sale of the church building she was listed as the President and my step-father was listed as the secretary.  Listing the front of the building as a LLC and the side address as another separate LLC.  Paying off the home where she resides in total.

With the church being dissolved and whatever members are left seem to be full of so much fear they are terrified to speak, I am the only voice in this time.  This is wrong, underhanded and should be against the law.  However, nobody knows I guess or is it that nobody cares.

I am an adult survivor of these horrors.  I began to talk about it and it did not go well for me at all.  Stirring memories became flashbacks.  This caused on-going nightmares to become day-mares.  I have been diagnosed with  C-PTSD.  This is an actual injury to the brain.  There is no magic pill to help it go away.  It is the result of years of abuse, manipulation, sexual assault and silence.  They say that there is hope to ease my raging mind, if I can begin to run my memories through.  Allowing them to run so I can experience some sort of completion in my thought.  This is instead of me burying them down each and every day of my life.  I thought this would all go away one day.  If I could only master the art of the burial of the horrific memories.  Turns out this is an impossibility.  The professionals say that one time or another no matter how good you are at disguising the truth, that it will eventually rear its ugly head.  My worries are my own, but my reactions are not.  What I do and say affects every fiber of every being near me.  If I chooses to be negative in my communications then negative energy will flow.  If I choose to be positive that positive energy will flow all about me. 

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