Monday, November 14, 2011

A Twin Soul Death



Our lives are just extensions of what has been,
we rail from the roads of time in the Universe.
Look up my friends and see where you've been.
Do not separate yourself from when you were then.

It is the innocence of such a leap,
 that is made before we're sheep.
We realize that magic's real,
that we are unique and have made this trip, it's meant to be neat.

Somehow, someway we loose our way,
unfortunately we are smashed to pieces when we say.
That there is more to life than just religious belief,
but rather we stand for liberty and peace.

Our minds don't need to stretch, to see,
that it is our imaginative thought you seek to be.
Resources forced down our throats each day,
to pray and kneel to you and your real.

No God above or Dark Lord below,
would ever force such horrid dread,
upon the focus of a child,
just asking why or acting silly.

Twin Souls, Soul Mates, even just friends,
destroyed ideas that keep you; Blend.
It's more and more impossible; 
I can't help it but I do deplore.

To find a happy Man or more.
Who cares if a Twin Soul speaks out there.
At you or them, they hang onto,
the might, the sight of what just like.
If Twin Souls do not hear the call,
then Soul Mates die and marriage will fall.

It will go so very quick, the signs, surreal, it will be sick.
I said a Man was my Knight.
I do not joke, my life needs sight.

Should this happen, should he have seen,
this would have been like magic to me.
The only one who really cared,
was a person who was very, very scared.

That is why the children scream,
I do say lets be unseen,
don't come back to what this is,
there is no belief or faith to stream.

Why bother then to try to love.
If what you dream is not for love.
The work it takes to look and see,
will be the end of you and me.

Stuck I am, I stepped in gum,
but that's O.K. I must be dumb.
Go mute I will and then we'll see,
that a World needed thee.

To smile,
to laugh,
to dream of things.
Like magic,
and stories filled with Love.

Brought together by chance, not Bars.
A Wild Romance from belief in one Man.
He is to busy to see with the Worlds Review,
that he could bring peace to someone new.
To live with safety and not cause strife,
for every person in her life.


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Disorder: by Babette Rothschild, MSW, LCSW



Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder:


Identification and Diagnosis


Invited article for Soziale Arbeit Schweiz (The Swiss Journal of Social Work), February 1998.
By Babette Rothschild, MSW, LCSW   © 1997

Members:  

International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ISTSS)

European Society for Traumatic Stress Studies (ESTSS)

National Association of Social Workers (NASW)

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) disrupts the functioning of those afflicted by it, interfering with the ability to meet their daily needs and perform the most basic tasks. Trauma continues to intrude on the lives of people with PTSD as they relive the life-threatening experiences they have suffered with visual, auditory and/or somatic reality, reacting in mind and body as though such events were still occurring. Not everyone experiencing traumatic events develops PTSD; it is a complex psychobiological condition that can emerge in the wake of life-threatening experiences when normal psychological and somatic stress responses to a traumatic event are not resolved and released. In this paper it is proposed that Autonomic Nervous System hyperarousal is at the core of PTSD and the driving force behind phenomena such as dissociation, freezing and flashbacks. Acute traumatic reactions are differentiated from PTSD and strategies for intervention are suggested.


   Index for this Article

• Introduction

• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• PTSD Diagnosis

• Symptoms of PTSD

• Survival and the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)

• Defensive Response in the Absence of Threat

• Dissociation, Freezing and PTSD

• Consequences of Trauma and PTSD

• Distinguishing Acute Trauma from PTSD

• Conclusion

• References

    INTRODUCTION


Events that are threatening to life or bodily integrity will produce traumatic stress in its victim. This is a normal, adaptive response of the mind and body to protect the individual by preparing him to respond to the the threat by fighting or fleeing. If the fight or flight is successful, the traumatic stress will usually be released or dissipated allowing the victim to return to a normal level of functioning. PTSD develops: when fight or flight is not possible; the threat persists over a long period of time; and/or the threat is so extreme that the instinctive response of the victim is to freeze.

The following are examples of people with PTSD:

○ A firefighter quits his job two years short of retirement because of persistent fiery nightmares and chest pains.

○ A young girl has become hyperactive since her tonsillectomy nine months before.

○ A previously studious teenaged boy is no longer able to concentrate on his school work and is failing his classes since the death of his grandmother last year. He no longer enjoys going to school, and is becoming increasingly house-bound.

○ A Middle Eastern refugee is arrested after a fight in a bar. He says all he remembers is a smell that reminded him of the prison where he was tortured, then he woke up in a police cell.

○ A war veteran still awakes screaming from nightmares of combat, thirty years after he was discharged from service.

○ A woman who was molested when she was six years old begins to be disturbingly over-protective of her own six year old daughter.

○ A man seeks psychotherapy because he is suffering from persistent anxiety and panic attacks.

○ A boy is observed aggressively trying to stick pencils and crayons under the tails of his stuffed animals.


    POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)


There is a mistaken assumption that anyone experiencing a traumatic event will have PTSD. This is far from true. Studies vary, but confirm that only a fraction of those facing trauma will develop PTSD (Elliott 1997, Kulka et al 1990, Breslau et al 1991). What distinguishes those who do not is still a hot topic of discussion, but there are many clues. Factors mediating traumatic stress appear to include: preparation for expected stress (when possible), successful fight or flight responses, prior experience, internal resources, support from family, community, and social networks, debriefing, emotional release, and psychotherapy.


    PTSD DIAGNOSIS


PTSD is a relatively new diagnostic category in the history of psychology. The diagnosis of PTSD first appeared in 1980 in the internationally accepted authority on PTSD, the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychological Association), 3rd Edition (APA 1980). At that time the DSM had a limited view of what could cause PTSD, defining it as developing from an experience that anyone would find traumatic, leaving no room for individual perception or experience of an event. This definition was expanded when the DSM III was revised in 1987, and the DSM IV (APA 1994) provides even broader criteria.

The currently accepted definition of PTSD as presented in the DSM IV accepts that PTSD develops in response to events that are threatening to life or bodily integrity, witnessing threatening or deadly events, and hearing of violence to or the unexpected or violent death of close associates. Events that could qualify as traumatic,according to the DSM IV, include: combat, sexual and physical assault, being held hostage or imprisoned, terrorism, torture, natural and man made disasters, accidents, and receiving a diagnosis of a life threatening illness. PTSD can also develop in children who have experienced sexual molestation, even if this is not violent or life-threatening. The DSM IV adds, "The disorder may be especially severe or long lasting when the stressor is of human design (e.g. torture, rape)." (APA 1994)

    SYMPTOMS OF PTSD


Symptoms associated with PTSD include, 1) reexperiencing the event in varying sensory forms such as flashbacks, 2) avoiding reminders associated with the trauma, and, 3) chronic hyperarousal in the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). PTSD is present when these symptoms last more than one month and are combined with loss of function in areas such as job or social relationships. (APA 1994)

I believe that at the core of PTSD is the last symptom - increased ANS arousal. People who suffer from PTSD are plagued with frightening body symptoms which are characteristic of hyperarousal: accelerated heart beat, cold sweating, rapid breathing, heart palpitations, hypervigilance, and hyper startle response (jumpiness). These symptoms lead to sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, sexual dysfunction and difficulties in concentrating, which are further hallmarks of PTSD. Hyperarousal both instigates flashbacks and is also increased by them, and hyperarousal is the underlying cause of the symptom of avoidance, as traumatic reminders increase ANS arousal. Through understanding hyperarousal, the phenomenon of PTSD becomes comprehendible.


    SURVIVAL AND THE AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM (ANS)


Arousal, and therefore hyperarousal, is mediated by the Limbic System which is located in the center of the brain between the brain stem and the cortex. This part of the brain regulates survival behaviors and emotional expression, being primarily concerned with tasks of survival such as eating, sexual reproduction and the instinctive defenses of fight and flight. It also plays a central role in memory processing.

The Limbic System has an intimate relationship with the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS). The ANS regulates smooth muscles and other viscera: heart and circulatory system, kidneys, lungs, intestines, bladder, bowel, pupils. It has two branches, the Sympathetic branch (SNS) and the Parasympathetic branch (PNS), which usually function in balance with each other, meaning when one is activated, the other is suppressed. The SNS is primarily aroused in states of stress, both positive and negative. Signs of SNS arousal include increased heart rate and respiration, cold and pale skin, dilated pupils, raised blood pressure. The PNS is primarily aroused in states of rest and relaxation. Signs of PNS arousal include decreased heart rate and respiration, warm and flushed skin, normally reactive pupils, lowered blood pressure.

The Limbic System responds to extreme traumatic threat, in part, by releasing hormones that tell the body to prepare for defensive action, activating the SNS, which prepares the body for fight or flight through increasing respiration and heart rate to provide more oxygen, sending blood away from the skin and into the muscles for quick movement. When death may be imminent or the traumatic threat is prolonged (as with torture, rape, etc.), the Limbic system can simultaneously release hormones to activate the PNS and a state of freezing can result - like a mouse going dead when caught by a cat, or a frightened bird becoming stiff (Gallup 1977, Levine1997).

These nervous system responses - fight, flight and freeze - are survival reflexes. If perception in the Limbic System is that there is adequate strength, time and space for flight, then the body breaks into a run. If the Limbic perception is that there is not time to flee, but there is adequate strength to defend, then the body will fight. If the Limbic System perceives that there is neither time nor strength for fight or flight and death could be imminent, then the body will freeze. In this state, the victim of trauma enters an altered reality - it is one form of dissociation. Time slows down and there is no fear or pain. In this state, if harm or death do occur, the impact is not so great. People who have fallen from great heights, such as over cliffs, and survived, report just such a reaction. This freezing response may also increase chances of survival. If the cause of the freeze is an attack by man or beast, the attacker may lose interest when the prey has gone dead, as a cat will lose interest in a lifeless mouse.

It is important to understand that these Limbic System/ANS responses are instinctive, not chosen by thoughtful consideration, but are reflex actions. Many who have suffered trauma feel great guilt about freezing or "going dead" and not doing more to protect themselves or others by fighting back or running away. Understanding that freezing is a reflex often helps the process of self-forgiveness.

    DEFENSIVE RESPONSE IN THE ABSENCE OF THREAT


When the Limbic System of the brain activates the ANS to meet the threat of a traumatic event, it is a normal, healthy, adaptive survival response. When the ANS continues to be chronically aroused even though the threat has passed and has been survived, that is PTSD. The body continues to respond as though it were under threat. This is the most perplexing feature of PTSD.

Within the Limbic System of the brain are two related areas that are central in memory storage: the hippocampus and the amygdala. The last few years have produced a growing body of research that indicates these two parts of the brain are essentially involved in response to, and memory of, traumatic events (van der Kolk 1994, Nadel & Jacobs 1996). It is believed that the amygdala stores highly charged emotional memories, such as terror and horror and it has been shown that the amygdala becomes very active when there is a traumatic threat.

The hippocampus, on the other hand, stores memory of time and space - puts our memories into their proper perspective and place in our life's time line. During traumatic threat, it has been shown, the hippocampus becomes suppressed. Its usual function of placing a memory into the past is not active. The traumatic event is prevented from becoming a memory in the past, causing it to seem to float in time, often invading the present. It is this mechanism that is behind the aforementioned PTSD symptom of "flashback" - episodes of reliving the trauma.

    DISSOCIATION, FREEZING AND PTSD


Dissociation, a splitting in awareness, is not mentioned by either the DSM III or DSM IV as a symptom of PTSD, but there is growing debate in the professional literature as to whether PTSD is a Dissociative Disorder (Brett, EA. 1996) - it is currently classified in the DSM IV under Anxiety Disorders. There is also research that is beginning to point to the possibility that dissociation during a traumatic event may be a predictor of PTSD (Bremmer, et. al. 1992, Marmar, et.al. 1994).

No one really knows what dissociation is or how it occurs, though there is much speculation. It appears to be, not one thing, but a set of related splitting responses. Bennett Braun, M.D. has studied dissociation for many years, treating clients with a variety of Dissociative Disorders. He proposes a continuum of dissociation that begins with simple forgetting, includes amnesia and PTSD and ends at the extreme of Multiple Personality, now referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder (Braun 1988).

The kind of dissociation described by those with PTSD - altered sense of time, reduced sensations of pain, absence of terror or horror - resembles the characteristics of those who have responded with freezing to a traumatic threat. There will need to be more research before it can be known if the freezing reflex is a form of dissociation, but it looks as though it is. This is important because it appears that the greatest consequences of PTSD result from dissociation. While dissociation is an instinctive response to save the self from suffering - and it does this very well - it also exacts a high price in return.

    CONSEQUENCES OF TRAUMA AND PTSD


The consequences of trauma and PTSD vary greatly depending on the age of the victim, the nature of the trauma, the response to the trauma and the support to the victim in the aftermath. In general, victims of PTSD suffer reduced quality of life due to the intrusive symptoms which restrict their ability to function. They may alternate periods of overactivity with periods of exhaustion as their bodies suffer the effects of hyperarousal. Reminders of the trauma they suffered may appear suddenly, causing instant panic, and possible flashbacks. They become fearful, not only of the trauma itself, but of their own reactions to the trauma. Body signals that were once providers of essential information, become dangerous. For example, heart beat acceleration that might indicate over-exertion or excitement, becomes a danger signal in itself because it is a reminder of the trauma response, and therefore is associated with the trauma.

The ability to orient to safety and danger becomes decreased when many things, or even everything, in the environment become perceived as dangerous. When the reminders of trauma become extreme, freezing or dissociation can be activated, just as if the trauma was occurring in the present. It can become a terribly vicious circle. Victims of PTSD can become extremely restricted, fearing to be together with others or go out of their homes.

Child victims of trauma are a special area for study. Robert Pynoos at the University of California at Los Angeles is a pioneer in researching the impact of trauma on children and adolescents. Psychological and motor development can be arrested in child victims of trauma, leading to increasingly negative impact on their lives if they continue to mature without intervention to restore lost or undeveloped resources and skills (Pynoos 1993).


    DISTINGUISHING ACUTE TRAUMA FROM PTSD


Discussion with professionals who work with both the acute and the long-term aftermath of trauma has led me to conclude that aside from physical injury due to trauma, acute traumatic reactions may be indistinguishable from PTSD in the body and behavior of the victim. The same disorientation, fear, and indications of ANS activations - elevations in heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, shaking, etc. - may be present.

In the aftermath of a disaster, for example, most of those suffering from acute trauma will be easy to spot. Those who have been injured will be obvious. Among the uninjured there will also be many who look stunned, appear pale and faint, or be shaking. Some of those who appear to be suffering from trauma may not even be the actual victims of the disaster, but witnesses or rescuers who may be deeply affected by what they have or are seeing. Some may not be immediately identifiable, they may be highly active - looking for others or after others, organizing help and rescue. A percentage of these may, in the next days or weeks, develop symptoms of trauma.

Months or years later, the vast majority of the survivors, witnesses and rescuers will no longer be suffering psychologically from the after effects of the event. However, a minority will be suffering to an extreme degree, their lives decreased in quality, and a diagnosis of PTSD will be appropriate.

While symptoms of acute trauma and PTSD may not differ very much, response to these must differ significantly. Response to acute trauma may include emergency medical intervention for treatment of injuries and/or medical shock. On the psychological side reassurance and comfort will be the key. Often talking about what happened will be important for the survivor in the immediate aftermath of the event. Telling and re-telling the story to caring individuals may help prevent dissociation, and aid in integrating the experience. Providing physical support - holding, an arm around the shoulders, a comforting hand - may be appropriate, especially if the survivor is hysterical or shaking violently. The victim may be cold and in need of blankets and warm beverages. The victim may need to be reminded that the event is passed and they have survived it, "You're safe now." The more complete and appropriate the response to acute trauma, the greater the chance of preventing subsequent PTSD.

Later, working with those who do develop PTSD may resemble some of the aspects of response to acute trauma. Certainly a reassuring and comforting attitude on the part of the psychotherapist is important. But when the trauma is long past, simple comfort and reassurance will not be enough. The victim of PTSD will feel unable to contain his traumatic experience(s), will have become afraid of his body, and will have lost the sense of what was then and what is now. It is these three areas - containment, positive body awareness, dual time awareness - that must first be strengthened, before addressing the memory of a traumatic event can be done productively.

Containment of out-of-control emotions and thinking processes will help restore a feeling of control over the psychological self. Positive body-awareness will help restore a sense of the body and its sensations as friend, not foe. Dual time awareness will help to separate that the trauma occurred in the past even though it feels as if it is occurring now (Rothschild 1996, Rothschild 1997).


    CONCLUSION


Identification of a portion of those suffering from PTSD will be straightforward. But others may be difficult to spot owing to complicated life or defensive systems. Evaluation of the state of the ANS will assist in the diagnosis of PTSD and in setting treatment objectives where appropriate.


    REFERENCES


American Psychiatric Association (APA), Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition, 1980.

American Psychiatric Association (APA), Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV, Fourth Edition, 1994.

Bloch, George, Ph.D., Body and Self: Elements of Human Biology, Behavior and Health. William Kaufmann, Inc., 1985

Braun, Bennett G., M.D., The BASK Model of Dissociation, Dissociation, 1:1, March 1988.

Bremmer, JD, Southwick, S, Brett, E, Fontana, A, Rosenheck, R & Charney, DS, Dissociation and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in Vietnam Combat Veterans, American Journal of Psychiatry , 149, 1992.

Breslau, N, Davis, GC, Andreski, P & Peterson, E, Traumatic Events and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in an Urban Population of Young Adults, Archives of General Psychiatry, 48, 1991.

Brett, EA, "The Classification of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder," in van der Kolk, BA, McFarlane, AC, & Weisaeth, L (Eds.), Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society, Guilford Press 1996.

Diamond, MC, Scheibel, AB, & Elson, LM, The Human Brain Coloring Book, Harper Perenial 1985.

Elliott, Diana M, Traumatic Events: Prevalence and Delayed Recall in the General Population, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 65, 811-820, 1997.

Figley, Charles R., Ph.D., Trauma and Its Wake (Brunner Mazel Psychosocial Stress, No. 4): Volume I: The Study and Treatment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Brunner/Mazel, 1985.

Gallup, Gordon G., Jr., and Maser, Jack D., "Tonic Immobility: Evolutionary Underpinnings of Human Catalepsy and Catatonia", in Seligman, Martin E. P., and Masser, Jack D., Psychopathology: Experimental Models, San Francisco: W.H. Freeman and Company, 1977.

Herman, Judith L., MD, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, Basic Books, 1992.

Jorgensen, Steen, Cand. Psych., Bodynamic Analytic Work with Shock/Post-Traumatic Stress, Energy and Character, Vol. 23, No. 2, September 1992.

Kluka, RA, Schlenger, WE, Fairbank, JA, Hough, RL, Jordan, BK, Marmar, CR,, & Weiss, DS, Trauma And The Vietnam War Generation: Report Of Findings From The National Vietnam Veterans Readjustment Study, New York: Brunner/Mazel 1990.

Levine, Peter, Ph.D., Waking the Tiger : Healing Trauma : The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences, 1997

Loewenstein, Richard, J., M.D., Dissociation, Development and the Psychobiology of Trauma, Journal of the American Academy of Psychoanalysis, 21(4), 1993.

Marmar, CR, Weiss, DS, Schlenger, WE, Fairbank, JA, Jorday, K, Kulka, RA, &Hough, RL, Peritraumatic Dissociation and Posttraumatic Stress in Male Vietnam Theater Veterans, American Journal of Psychiatry , 151, 1994.

Nadel, L & Jacobs, WJ, "The role of the Hippocampus in PTSD, Panic, and Phobia." In N. Kato (Ed.), The Hippocampus: Functions and Clinical Relevance, Amsterdam: Elsevier Science B.V. 1996.

Ornstein, Robert & Thompson, Richard, The Amazing Brain, Houghton Mifflin, USA, 1986

Puglisi-Allegra, Stephan, and Oliverio, Alberto, Psychobiology of Stress (Nato Science Series), Kluwer Academic Publishers, 1990.

Pynoos, Robert S., "Traumatic Stress and Developmental Psychopathology in Children and Adolescents", in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Clinical Review, American Psychiatric Press Review of Psychiatry, Vol. 12, 1993.

Rothschild, Babette, M.S.W., A Shock Primer for the Bodypsychotherapist, Energy and Character, Vol. 24, No. 1, April 1993.

Rothschild, Babette, M.S.W., Defining Shock and Trauma in Bodypsychotherapy, Energy and Character, Vol. 26, No.2, September 1995.

Rothschild, Babette, M.S.W., Applying the Brakes: Theory and Tools for Understanding, Slowing Down and Reducing Autonomic Nervous System Activation in Traumatized Clients, Paper presented at the Tenth Scandinavian Conference for Psychotherapists working with Traumatized Refugees, 24-26 May 1996, íbo, Finland.

Rothschild, Babette, M.S.W., A Trauma Case History, Somatics, Fall 1996/Spring 1997.

Rothschild, Babette, M.S.W., "Slowing Down and Controlling Traumatic Hyperarousal," in, Vanderberger, L (Ed.) "The Many Faces of Trauma: International Perspectives", (in press). 1997

Scrignar, C. B., M.D., Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Diagnosis, Treatment and Legal Issues, Bruno Press, Louisiana, USA, 1988.

Selye, Hans, M.D., The Stress of Life, McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1984.

van der Kolk, Bessel A, M.D., and Fisher, Rita E., Ed.M., "The Biologic Basis of Posttraumatic Stress", Primary Care, Vol. 20, No. 2, 1993; van der Kolk, Bessel, M.D. (1996a), The Body Keeps the Score: Memory and the Evolving Psychobiology of Post-traumatic Stress, Harvard Psychiatric Review, Vol., 1, 1994.

van der Kolk, BA, McFarlane, AC, & Weisaeth, L (Eds.) Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society, Guilford Press 1996.

« Return to the Quick Index for the Article, Identification and Diagnosis of PTSD       



BABETTE ROTHSCHILD, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. has been a practicing psychotherapist and body-psychotherapist since 1976. She has held a California license as a Clinical Social Worker since 1978. She is a member of the International and European Societies for Traumatic Stress Studies, the Association for Traumatic Stress Specialists and the National Association of Social Workers (USA) .

Babette has trained extensively inTransactional Analysis, Gestalt Therapy, Psychodrama and Somatic Experiencing, and is a certified Bodynamic Analyst and certified Radix Teacher. After living 9 years in Denmark, she returned to Los Angeles, California (her home town) where she maintains a private practice while she continues traveling to Europe three times a year, offering professional training and therapy workshops, professional consultations and supervision.

Institutions sponsoring her trainings have included: hospital, rehabilitation, refugee, dance, athletic, children and psychotherapy centers in Austria, Belgium, Denmark, England, France, Germany, Norway, Scotland, Switzerland and the USA.

Written by
BABETTE ROTHSCHILD, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.


She can be reached at:

PO Box 241783
Los Angeles, California   90024, USA
Tel: (+1) 310 281 9646
Fax: (+1) 310 281 9729
E-mail:    babette@trauma.cc
Website: Somatic Trauma Therapy



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Sunday, November 13, 2011

Do you Journey



"Emanuel Swedenborg, he is different than most!"

Expressing the anger, showing the Rage,
the things that I've held from such a small age.
I thought when I spoke of the Ill's of my family,
that people would react with cause and affect.

The way that it's taken is as if you should be done.
Like nothing had happened, no one fired the gun.
A phase that has happened, bad things, oh well.
It's the callous behavior and the lonely hotels.

Can you imagine that your hearts are so cold,
that all you imagine is time is your well.
Well on 9/11,  the day the Twins Fell,
the death of so many is remembered so well.

I have heard who is left repeat without sort,
time does not heal, it just creates remorse.
I am sorry it happened, but glad that the lives,
now can confess that time does not heal,
it only gets worse.

No answers can question,
what I don't understand,
I'm looking at my dead body,
I am no more than then.

I was so much younger,
my memory is good.
But to sort out what I am stuck staring out,
just simply can't be good.

The years in between don't help, they do hinder.
What did I do to cause such a sinner,
to do such a thing as to take my life clear.
I stood and I'm stuck on the outside of myself.
I tried jumping in, but it seems I was late.
This thing streaming by was so quick, that I missed.

The more that it happened,
in fright or dismay.
I abandoned myself, for I just couldn't stay.
Confusion was blurry, I caught up with myself at night in my bed, the safety of head.
I woke in the morning, I was back inside too, I was right with myself,
I left what was wrong with absolutely all you.

The more frequent the danger,
the more bold I became,
the worse my escapes from myself, like a game.
Upon this one day, I never returned, 
I left what I knew for what was not you.
I felt that my turn to the left would be best.
I fright it did cause the trouble, a pause.

I may have been gone, it's called journey's that are long.
Most men take them in life at ages when old.
Mine began when I was so very young,
 I cannot remember a day without this kind of adventure, dismay?

To me it is natural, a state of affairs,
I kept it all private it seemed wise and not fair.
In the end it was prudent for me and for you.
Now, there are Men that speak of such things,
but they were born January 29, 1688,
lived 'till 1772, wrote lots of books
and journeyed some too.

It would have been cool to talk to him now
but as time can tell,
we missed one another it's the way that it goes,
I think I got hosed.

I write to warn you of what will come for you too,
you will not listen, it bothers me some.
A Sin Board is something that we all do possess,
it's how they keep track of your record; Infest.

I'm not very old to speak on such things,
I don't trust you, 'cause you lie with your minds,
speak truth with your words and direct all this mess,
inside of your head and say that its best.

It is what you do that makes me write more,
You want to blame others instead of yourself.
A singular creature, I am that I swear,
possessed with no spirits, that would cause me a scare.

Cruising along and singing this song,
is not the crime but you want me gone.
I threaten your Soul, your Heart is not there,
what I see that is left is money and dare. 

It is why I trust a man I don't know from this land,
his country is honorable and they are not bland.
To question my motives is to upset the flow,
for I'm not a singer, I riddle from below.

Sin Board


Come to my Manor,
come to my home,
come to my Mansion,
come when your done.

There is this place that I will explain,
a sin is a keep and when you are slung,
 when you cannot see what it is that you've done,
the damage with words, the payment is meek:
However, you are now my quarry and I am so sleek.

Sins are so counted each day of your life,
existence in time is called, "A buy,"
and during this time of your understanding,
you'll know that Death is such Life,
and life is mere; Strife!

Dungeons and Lairs,
we'll tie you all up inside there.
The chains so do hang with what is insane,
to produce what is right,
the Sin Board complained,
it demanded the command,
"More pain is the gain that is needed for sane."

Be not afraid, for my aim is just right.
These places of righteousness
can sometimes erupt.
A minor set-back will only cause that,
what is one life lost with so much that is gained.

The Sin Board records and watches the way,
that I and more,
so many we are, I often feel barred,
from places of rest,
because I'm not best.

I hear through the grapevine,
yes, we have one of those too.
That are people aboard,
the sentence called, "Life"

I happily report,
I took a place at the port,
sailed the means, to see what is green,
and Earth did appear.

How weird!

My sins on the Sin Board are all clear for myself,
but check you do not and that causes a blot.
For clear out my dear friends,
announce to yourself,
Sinners are welcome to anything here.

The payment is strange,
believing in what?
You are all so deranged.
A Sin Board, not known, WOW,
you are fucked.

I cannot go back for there is this one who needs,
............ won't appear or save her from here.

So, on this day that seems rather queer,
I can say that I hear the tears and the cry,
from one of my own,
I've known her since Five.

Speaking of Death, don't go into the Light!!



I write from within the heat of my core,
it comes from beneath the need to know more.
I concentrate on, not how to be the best;
But how to know what is the best thing to do?

I come from a place that you may have been,
 or heard of in,
 a percent of your brain,
 that causes you terror and ruins your where?

For it is in fear of the unknown you grasp,
 to the days that you will know last.
Of what life you have left, you cause such displeasure.
Your heritage lies,
 reducement of your mind,
for 8 to 10 percent is all, that ain't mine.

We need not what you think that you can do in a blink.
We need not you to even do.
The interruption of thought on this place called Earth,
causes nothing but violence and death to occur.

The deeper you sink within your define,
the more you resolve your account is not kind.
The Sin Board doth count, no rest will it take.
For in what you do,
you have found a bill or two,
and what is due is so large and "You knew."

It is in your own death,
that you find your not owed,
but payment is taken from you it's your makin'.
There is not a place that is free without noise.
The work that you do is worse than you new.

Where sleep is not had,
 and food is not known,
 it is only your soul that could ever be owned!
Due you owe it to one of your kind,
or has it been taken by cruelty or time.

I can't count the times that I have seen,
the words that are spoken are often so mean.
You speak with your mind, protected by skull,
but what if your thoughts were all known and you're bull?
The demons they speak, the spirits doth know,
Satan, said Lucifer is enjoying this show.

The waiting is anxious, the hour draws near,
for it is only the taking that is over do and we're here.
You humans don't need the horrors of Hell now,
you eat one another with words like a sow.
The threats and the voices that Christians do say,
if you do not donate, they will die on someday.

Watch it so carefully and tell me a show,
that doesn't ask for money or tell you to go,
deep within side of yourself they do claim,
without your support the word must compel.

So, why do you fear what says nothing at all,
for all of these words pour on there feet,
 men up and they scream that they are still here.

It is strange that you fear what a Man has told you,
but you won't respect a Dark Lord when he's near.
For not my mistake and I will not take,
from people who need to know what is rape.

Rape of the mind, from whom I do speak,
comes from the mouths of the manipulators and creeps.
They call Human Beings to give them your wealth,
give them your last coin and do it with stealth.

The lies that are told by people who come back,
from the dead and say "It's a miracle, today."
They spread just like locusts, it's a shame, it's so fast.
There words are like food and eaten so fast.

Go into the what? Why would I do that?
If it is so right to go into the light,
then why are you back?
I don't trust you, I don't trust that,
for your information, is mistaken, it's smack.

At least James Blunt doesn't do that.

Lost to the Ages



An interesting view of all of you,
includes the dynamics or the challenge of who?
Shut out what chooses to make the choice,
and the might may become the deadly Knight that you meet.

Accusing your own, not sharing your site,
is only the way you get lucky at night?
A strange point of the sharpest tool,
will not only poke but out all of you too!

So be careful my being that is not my voice,
for I am not wealthy, nor do I have choice.
I scream when I'm silent,
I speak when I rage,
I deliver opinion at appropriate age.

Stand clear of my mercy,
for I know I don't have,
what makes you so busy and stands in Deaths path.

Why would I enter, why would I agree,
if it is a measure, I'm sure it's not me.
For argue I will and death will hold back,
'cause in disagreement, I'll insist to be put back. 

Now while I've lost death on the path of your life,
I'll disappear and say "You're awfully uptight!"
My way may be sneaky but death was not clear,
the rules are confusing when looking from here.

Believe in me not, for I don't think twice,
it only takes once, to say, "Thanks thats not nice."
But better it's you and so glad it's not me,
and in the end I'm sure you will see.

I'll be alive, in Death Court you'll stand,
making complaints, filing on man.
Disagree I am sure, will be your defense,
but that is O.K., I'll still miss the dance.

Alive and upright on feet I will stand,
breathing air that's not bought,
I'll think of you often and know that my coughing
is heard by the ones that I love and they know that I'm out and about.

So, I can't feel that you are not glad,
that you've spent a life in lie and aren't sad;
It makes me feel upset for yourself.
Repent if you must but I cannot trust,
'cause what you have done
is to fuck on the run.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

O.K.






.

Thanksgiving Dinner Five Years Ago.

This was the last Thanksgiving Dinner where all my children were together with me.  I was taking the picture so I could not be in it.  Since this time, my children and I have never been together in the same place at the same time again. Until I received these emails from the eldest, Becky, I only had a clue to her feelings about me, not the full blown truth! This is the last photo of all of Five of us together.  I am happy to be blessed with a photograph, I will always remember her in good health and fit to go out to live life on her own.



Back at you, Kid!

I know that what is believed is not at all true,
For it shows only the falsehood within side of you.
The relief I believe to only be mine,
is found when asked "Please Stop, I am fine."
Announcing so proudly that, "You are not mine."

To accept reason in "Why I don't speak to you,"
is to know that the robbery is from someone like you.
A choice to disown what is naturally yours,
is a way to discard, be purposeful and cause a permanent scar.

The place to reduce the being that you are,
is to join with the force of your friends,
they're not far.

To contact or to presume is such a disgrace,
you follow the path of what has no grace.
Your "Matter of fact" spelling out your declare,
the lies that you tell are so obvious, I stare.

What you have said, "Nothing good can come of,"
is a greater discovery of what you don't love.
The knife you used, so dull and to late,
to even realize that you can't relate

I willingly plead to only the ones,
that were left behind and could be more hurt than I.
For blindness is yours and it is not for me.
My older brother has more "Class" than you do to me.

With words of such random appeal to whom,
my mother could explain to you, "What is a womb."
I may say what I please and I may not hold my tongue,
for only in verse, "I suggest that you run."

I have written my note,
I will not hold, I do not nurse,
 what communicates with wrote.
A ridiculous note, from whom is much worse.
A family torn up because of your curse.

My eldest has said in email on,
"I know longer speak to you,'
Four Years she's been gone;
Her words exact but not very long.

To utter such things, so quick or so fast,
she took my dog, Apollo, she had him gassed.
I am happy to say I do not speak for you,
to say you're to much and I will not touch
.
Is difficult, unnecessary, and actually cruel,
to do the things that you think are so cool.
Not to me, why be a fool, my life is mine for the taking,
but I always thought your was more in the making,
it better for you, your siblings are true. 

Your desire of such a disgusting require,
incorporating my life into yours is such a strange desire or an odder require.
My life is my own, I am nearly half grown,
you should sing all your lies to your choir for all the reaction you needed; "Oh my."
It's a better way to say, "I have emancipated myself today."

I learned of love when my Son was born, for that is my truth.
I enhanced my life to know I had one more,
and Lauren herself is dear to me and both of them due.
For attention, and spoiling for what they've been through,
I can't hardly wait to make money to take,
them to the places that dreams do come true: A World Review!

Do not feel the need to apologize at all,
be sucked in by all these lies, that are told to you in strange disguise.
I have Severe P.T.S.D and I know that Dissociation Disorder plagues me.
You are the Oldest and obviously most wise.
For to say in one sentence, "I'm sorry this hurts,"
you're unfortunately parking yourself with a birth,
right into the land of what you are worth.

I disperse with pleasure the release of your letter,
for one was not good enough,
a second did feather, so quick, I did swallow,
choked hard on my sorrow and barely could see very next 'morrow.

Your acceptance declared so clearly, it's square,
To announce with such pride, I felt like I died!
"Accept my feelings and move on," you declared in a song.
"Do not contact me or ask of my where about, you're wrong."

To continue your...
I'm not sure what it was,
but to end it after four years with no words and no love,
by saying, "I would appreciate it. Thank you."
It's best.

I clear my throat and answer no note,
that was written by Becky, my oldest daughter, for this is what she wrote.

A promise is broken but heal I will,
for in the middle is bothered by still.
My love for my son, my youngest daughter it's clear.
I cross my fingers and I hope that they survive all this fear.




Her first email, her second email follows rather quickly.  I never wrote back, nor do I plan too.  I will respect her wishes, I just wish she had told me this four and a half years ago, so that I did not wait so anxiously at or for the doorbell to ring with her on the other side saying, "Hi Mom, I missed you."

Subject:
Please Stop


From: Rebecca Dyas


Sent: Thu 11/10/11 1-1:L6 PM


To: Blackjet@live.com


please do not contact me, my work, or anyone of my friends or their work.I do not want to speak with you or see you and nothing good can come of what you are doing right now. Please stop. I am fine.Thank you.


Becky

Second email


Subject:

Why I Don't Speak To You


From: Rebecca Dyas

Sent: Fri 11/11/11 L2:39 AM
To: blackjet@live.com (blackjet@live.com)


I no longer speak to you because you and your past are too much for me to
incorporate into my 1ife. I spent many, many years trying to help you through
your past and I no longer can. I choose to live in the present. I'm sorry
this hurts you but unfortunately you cannot change who you are and I have
accepted this. f hope that you can accept my feelings and move on. Please
stop trying to contact me or anyone else about me. I would appreciate it.



Thank you.
Becky


Thursday, November 10, 2011

A World Engagement, I will Merry you All, 'till Death do us Part!!



Close your eyes not your minds.
Open not to what you know but to what you can't.
The further you pass from reality of what is,
the farther you go from the belief that you will need to see the inevitable.

Faith alone will not absolve you of your sins.  The "Sin Board" keeps all the tracks of each and every one of your personal infractions.  There is no God that presents or defends your life in this after-World you speak of so readily. There is no opportunity to throw yourself on the mercy of the court, asking for repentance of your sins, either or whether those sins have been committed here on Earth or there in the below, or Hell as you know.

The measure of your account on your own personal "Sin Board" is why I worry for Mankind and why I know that without question, with certainty, there is much trouble for Humanity to be had after death.

This is not a "Hit or Miss," date.  Your date with Death and your arrival into the Hereafter will be kept upon the time of its call.  There is nothing that you can do to alter or protect yourself from this extremely hard core fact of which I speak so frankly of. 

There are no bright lights, no tunnels to decide to walk through, that would be just the beginning of a death in this life explaining your forward motion towards what will be in actuality. The people you propose come to walk to your aid, your relatives that speak with no delight of this place are guiding you into a blinding light, don't be a fool.
These people, whom are dead, should cause you horror not comfort anymore, for my advice is to not speak to the dead at anytime during or after your life.  It is the sufferers of "Near Death Experiences" that tout of walking into the light, but take note that they are back here and did not accomplish such a feat there. 

A word to the wise, a word of caution, a word of my observance, I am being only considerate and am trying to be not only attuned but to show compassion for the idea that we all may not be from here: Here being the same place. I say this plainly to you and yours, in the case that a relative, friend, acquaintance, parent or any other entity should try to walk you into or try to walk you into the light; Do Not Go!

You are being encouraged and sometimes it sounds forced to walk into something called "The Light" directly after you have just experienced your death.  It seems an awful lot of decisions to be made so quickly, especially while you are still trying to digest what has just happened in what you thought was life.  The problem is or the way that i see it, "Aren't you still alive?"  I do not like the hurried approach that I hear of people speak of after their Near Death Experiences, I get very uncomfortable with all the pushing.

In my experience as a child, I did not see a light, let alone a tunnel to be sucked into the vortex of, while waiting for my decision on whether of not I was dead. In fact, no one person showed for me until the Demons came to comfort my crying soul. I find comfort in Demons and Spirits as long as I do not see them in full light, for in full light they are terrifying to me.  However, the choice was easy from that point forward, I would rather be with any Demon or Spirit, even Satan himself, than to take the hand of a dead person trying to lead me into a tunnel saying "Walk into the light", I  will never walk into what is blinding and I cannot see where or what I am walking into, that is Hell to me.

For in death, I found Life and in this confusion nature has insisted that the truth of my story be told.  This is my story and this is my life. I did not have one or two of these experiences with what you fear, but I have had a lifetime with whom I have grown to love.  The ones who cared, when all of you turned your back and feared when you looked upon my face. I will support and stay with what I know, rather than to acknowledge that there are now dead men and women walking this Earth with no Soul, no Heart and no care to the Welfare of anyone but themselves.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

James Blunt, my Darkest Lord, you have stolen me from the start; I swoon to Knight!



I growl to know the taste,
although, I halt to "No" the vow,
a show, a sin, I swoon for the zoom of lightning strikes to know!
From the depths of where I cannot stand,
I fall to see you are know Man.
I'm damned. Betwixt I am.

My being has been touched,
in imaginative thought,
 I rut, I furrow for a sexual plural.
I am struck by a sense of morality or is it mortality?

Each time I think on this Man,
a man that sings in the verse of a picture,
I hear and whoa! I halt myself to "No."

"Stop!", I say, I do cry,
not in tears, in loudness of, "Oh My!".
He complicates me with deviousness and sensuality,
I sigh to know from far below.
Feel between... the lie,
to know the desire comes from deep inside.

Moving in on such a sin,
I say, "Knot Too."
For in this simple, I complicate you, true?

Seduction demands a Man to press upon,
to work towards a Heavenly Degree,
but it is the Devil in me which grounds the Man I see!!

To be more thought and never bought,
to see a design towards what is hot,
you will be burnt into my mind,
the state you are, the very same kind.

I shall be the One of few who says to you,
"Yes Sir, No Sir, Three bags full Sir."
Surreal is the deal,
 you strike when you wheel,
 the mind of another and it is not hard, it's real.

I mine so deep,
it hardens, from thought to desire, I leap.
Incomplete.
Not for me 'cause,
I trade up for simple sexual desire.

In a place that is not welcoming,
you must come to know release.
From Me? Know.
So, sweetly do I say,
"Oh Lord, dear Man, I watched your show, your band."

And in the end, Mr. James Blunt you are,
with such excitement, un-repressed and un-scarred,
on stage or in a car,
it is the Denims, it is the boots, the t-shirts are mean,
but you are the loot and you do declare,
"I'll be your Man!"

In excellence, I accept,
in greed of what I am lusting after.
I congratulate myself in sin and press towards you,
what you do, to declare War on Sensuality too!

As you stand, My Piano Man.
Arms outstretched is your plan,
acceptance of, is my command.

At the end of what you've done,
I will not wake, nor will I run!
I ride the Wave of what you've made,
my mind is complimenting in equal time
of what is so fine.

You on Stage.

I dream in reality and live in liberty,
to excite myself without delight,
but to achieve such heights,
I do; Just by what I like.

You dear Sir,
would be so tight,
I just might,
but prowess in such a Knight.
Mistakes the days for points of view,
instead of times to look for you.
I drink it in and gladly sin,
to know that to the avail of myself I am true.
Happily for you.

Raise the board,
for wanting more,
will come from "My Lord."
Deep from far, far from Me,
I fall back, I swoon for thee.
Reality catches myself in tune,
to finish what never starts,
with Concerts in the Park
that you delivered from the heart.

Appeasing, don't you think,
My dear Bluntie,
please blink.

 Never forget to be
who you are or what you chose,
for you will always have me.
Set Zero,
I never lose.


P.S. Why would you remember this? Why I kept it I will never know, but the passion still does flow when it comes to questions from others about you and what you do. I cannot help myself, it is what bothers me, as if I know you or you know me, it is in what is said that raises these verses from within.
Billy thought I deleted it all. Tell him or whomever runs your site of late, that I have not broken the rules to join and post, ever since I was kicked off by him after arguing over a Goose, and of course there must have been a Gander to fight over.

James Blunt music description from me to a person on his site; my name; set_zero;

Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject:
________________________________________

You seem to be asking a question that has been asked before but not answered. If this is true than I shall tell you the truth and nothing but the truth because I am no one at all and this music is played for everyone.

Understanding that the music you are hearing is the invitation to ALL and covers the genre of Time, in order to encompass the complexity of not just music but the actual soul itself, then you can begin to understand that this is not new my friend but the oldest of the most ancient tunes ever to be recorded in time. This is truly amazing!!

You are actually hearing the music of time calling all the religions of this earth and all the universe together, truly unheard of in any verse, anywhere. You are standing on an earth that is the most fortunate, most incredible, most well versed place ever to exist in this free state of mind.

His music is his own, coming from a source within himself, it is new, it is old, it is original, it is composition, it is artistic, it is a quantum ballet of the magnetic force that he actually is.

You should be truly knowing that this does not exist, this is played by no other than the man that he is, just like Mozart, just like Leonardo, just like ever other man in history that was before there time, this man is in his time and I am here to speak to you and absolutely everyone else on this earth and so is he.

We don't know one another, he and I, I am not sure why I feel that I can explain things that are truly not known but time is funny that way and so is the way this world does things.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

No Bravery, it's true!


No one ever sees what is in front of them,
instead they turn a blind eye as to ignore.
The day will come when we will WAR!
Take back our innocence for sake of what makes sense.

Adults at times when children whine,
not for attention but from the pain of what they've never done.
You could be so good, never have those tears roll down your cheeks,
and yet they still beat, and beat you till your whipped in such a way,
that you will stand, as I did to him, my step-father on one given day.

Beat me till I cry,
beat me till I'm blue,
beat me till I'm black,
beat me till I'm all of that.
That will be the day you see, I look into your eyes,
the fear in me will turn to rage, and the anger will have won.

As a child, age of Four, he beat with his belt and more,
I don't know what I did but if I should die from this,
then know that fighting is not resist, for that is for the boys in bliss.
I am a girl, I cannot grow, for at this age, I did say "NO."

So past the point of no return, I'll never grow,
 to only turn upon my own,
so I can feel, justified in what you deal.
Pain and torture are not yours, a step-father's chores,
for in this body, in which I live, the memories come and show to me,
that what's for you will come from me, at the end of a belt, you'll be,
kept my prisons of your mind, for that is where I found my kind.

They will come from far below, but as I grow in confidence,
I will know that ponds are Seas and Oceans flow with ships and he's.
What will be is not so far, pay back from what public schools do; They scar!
Called from home you're green cards done, for this is not your place to rot.
As you age, and as she drops, you will be in quite the spot.
Run to England, I will tell, everyone of this in Hell.

They'll choose me because I see,
I am unique and I don't need,
anything that's more to do,
with hurting children just to rue.
These are your sins, our bravery is lost,
in replace you have the cost,
of one sweet girl who never lost,
but stands so still with stripes from 'till.

I cannot hate for that will bait,
the inner rage that needs a cage,
but when its loosed and when you fear,
the shadows of the ones that near.
Cry not to God, for he is dead,
and what replaces, is not me.

You called me scape-goat,
you said "I sinned."
You're daughter Sarah has this contagion within.
Spouting that she knows affairs, of the wares:
The Pope would swear!
Even Catholics, devout and clean,
could not keep up with whats this mean.
I might explain, I may not spend, the time, the energy,
to play your game.

I won so many years ago,
the shock, the horror must set in though.
For Englishmen will come to you,
knock on your door, to speak the truth.
Upon this day, know the way, it's not the English that will erupt.

Hold your tongue and know you're done,
all I've done is barely begun,
sadness took my innocence,
there is "No Bravery" in what makes no sense.

I see you like the man you were,
mean and cruel, hired for her.
Remember I prey upon my feet,
but what is so really neat,
there is a Man, he looks for me,
you might say that, "History repeats."