I was a good girl, caught up in a bad situation

Some Five Years Ago, I lost what I only thought that I had,

my life has been a fight against tyranny and hate.

I have sought out freedom from this since I was Four.

So, in reality, I guess I have lost nothing at all.

I have counted more years since my youth,

to measure the strength that I would need to stand,

and to stand well, for the fight I was unable to fight at Three.

I was fortunate to have experienced what most people do not,

I have enjoyed the company of what is no longer here.

I did what was correct, I hid the pain and the agony,

I held back the horror for the sake of health.

My life springs from my youth and the mission to report the acts upon me as a child.

What I have had on this journey called life has been an experience that I cannot say I missed.

To be turned from and locked out of the lives you loved,

creates or shall I say re-creates the pain of abandonment, not love.

A way to overcome what has been breaking me into pieces,

is to accept that what is gone, is gone and will never return to understand or attempt to heal.

As I filled my time with constructive measures and meaningful attempts,

I have failed and the impact of that failure is felt like a crash.

To understand your past, you go from the present backwards to find the missing stories,

all to fill in the gaps of what is to treacherous to even utter.

With each passing year, with each hour that loved ones are not near,

you forget what it is you did to care for what cares not for you.

Each passing moment with what had filled my time until now is so clear.

The time from my youth, my childhood has been hidden from view.

As an  adult with hope that has waned in open forum,

I speak softly to say I have slipped away.

No more can this sentence bring to me as myself,

yet the backs of whom I used to see the faces of,

have destroyed my hope of liberty and seemingly crushed my will, which has since left me.

As I loose each precious gift that nature gifted me,

I know I am headed for a place that I will be whole.

I am left with a void with what might have been.

I am a Soul less appeal of helplessness and have no heart to cure.

I lost my childhood in my youth by not what ordinary lives can do,

I wrestle with the view, my mind is locked in times with you.

I made decisions for life before I knew what I would do,

I made decisions upon this way before I could utter or voice, "NO," to you.

Should I care for those who turn from their own with a natural flare,

it means that it is truth not dare.

To chose what is a popular view,

because it is easier to do.

Then the embarrassment of me and what has been done will distance us naturally,

it is the way that Nature Runs.

To be brainwashed is not so cool,

for in the end it is only a con for the artist to do,

to trap you into what they want

and what they want is not for you.

The embarrassment of what I am or may become,

is nothing more than what's been done.

I survive, when others died, not of free will,

it was suicide.

Left alone, I wish I'd known, from the begin,

the pain won't end.

To be abandoned yet again, to see the backs of more than men,

I wish for life to understand that there are times when girls can't stand.

Can brilliance be so blinding too,

What is sensible, what to do.

Is it sensible to reject, what is blood and parent rate.

With indifference, rejection hurts and to finish it off with the silence of ignorance.

Punishment in a life not lived,

only to survive to say "I exist."

For the sake of understanding at first I fought,

then I knew the original fight was wrong and I could not belong.

Is it know more than survival to know,

as you pass through ageless row,

manners I wonder, manners I know.

Do you believe all that you're told?

Do you open your eyes to see.

Do you have a heart and soul?

Does this missing part in me, make you capable to tolerate the indifference,

to what is not the same?

Or, is it the intolerance to what may be correct, that you think I'm not a wreck?

May this blinding way to see, be to much for you or me?

The sight of truth that is born from the ages,

the ones that have passed before you do.

A simple Goodbye would have sufficed,

but to cut me off, it killed me twice.

In the in between we were,

I was strength and you were young.

One person says, he's seen whats been,

in that I say, "Did I sin?"

For I do not go forward to unwind,

the cruelty, the horror, the torture from then,

it is in my past I must return,

if there is a hope to learn.

Backwards I go, year by year,

erasing person out of fear.

All to get to the people who, were the ones that destroyed my life

and perpetrated such a crime upon a child of their kind.

You cannot be compelled to do,

what Nature has done so well for you.

With Grace and facts to support me too,

Creation herself has shown her new,

way to handle abandonment of a person in fear.

May you be delivered from your selves,

just to know that life is well.

I feel your doing all that's good,

keep your workings with your should.

I free myself from what I knew,

I am not wanted, nor do you,

respond to like of what I send,

I wrote so that we could heal,

from hatred and what seems surreal.

I free myself with might of Will,

I lost my sight and know my rights.

To be ignored and treated so poor,

I realize that I am the embarrassment that you abhor.

I have waited for so long,

a call, a email, a letter that said,

I love you, I know you, I want you to wait.

I'm stuck with what you really hate.

I was abandoned at my birth,

I was not loved, nor was I nursed.

I was not wanted and was treated so,

I would never, never know.

I live in Hell and that's O.K.,

I have myself and write I may.

But lies are not for me today,

for yesterday they beat me to play,

a game of cat and mouse, it's called.

I know longer answer to what I found.

Thank you for your years you spent,

with a person that was so bent.

I straighten myself to say to you,

I'm crushed, I'm hurt, it's been to long,

Five years later, I can't belong.

For I base myself in Reality, not in the objective of any other realm

The way out of the prison which lies in the future of your own head is unavoidable.
You have read and begun to understand the levity of time.
Do not turn away as if you can pretend that you do not comprehend.
For without the belief or the faith of a broader understanding of life you will end.


Unless you make a difference in your life, it will end with a deadly design.
Loneliness, embarrassment and a void that will never be filled will be your sign.
Look not to the World to fill your Soul, for without one you are lost.
And so many have sold their Souls without remorse,
as if such a contract is a joke on the Internet to be toiled and scoffed at without sense.


Lusting after the taste of destruction of a Human life is despicable.
They're people everywhere enjoying not what sex is but what sex is not.
Photographs of naked beings is only a temptation and frustration of the cruelest kind,
to both men and women unable to deliver any pleasure or satisfaction to one another.


Yet on sights you witness the still photographs of what has only become imaginations.
For it is in these assumptions of unrealistic gains that people rely on fantasy to satisfy their inner cry.
Although sexuality has been banded, as if to sterilize what was enjoyment,
instead you have isolated the one person from another so that the orgasm itself is no more.


Without the company of another shared being, within the sensation of such heights of sexual delight,
you will find emptiness your flight and in this you will know that the plight is lonely and without regard.
By design of nature, creation, natural selection,
we as a people are meant to join together,
not rip each one apart. 
Sensuality brings the highest and most intense mental energy one can experience.


As each chakra is torn from our bodies, our minds or even our souls,
the levity that we as a people should be experiencing as positive pulses,
has turned into negativity and crime of the death of our Souls and our Hearts.
As our veins still pump blood throughout our sorrowful bodies,
the pain which pours from our mouth when we speak is poisonous to the listeners.


Pictures posted of what was once considered to be beautiful or erotic,
has become ordinary and repulsive to the average user of such a destructive tool, the Internet.
Not to mention that children can log-on
and view anything without an adult to guide them through,
the posts from you.


You and I are the ones responsible for the minds that once were innocent and now,
commit suicide for reasons of,
"Why not, there is nothing to live for."


I am not in disagreement with the choices that are made,
for you are free to chose, just as I am free to never have been given the opportunity to do so.
So, you continue to say that you don't care, or to say,"Just get over it,"
and I will continue to inform you of the punishment that you will never miss.


For it is not the laws of these lands that you break with the human traffic that you ignore.
Those Laws are from far below in the Courts of Death itself.
Be ware of nothing more than you are heard,
not in voice,
nor in expression,
but in the silence and comfort of your deceitful minds.


This is where I know them, Demons, Spirits, Satan, the Devil, Beelzebub and the like
enjoy listening to your ill-will but well intended plan to kill without being caught on tape, so to speak.
The strength of death is being stripped of what you believe to be the evidence that frees you here.
In that realm there is no freedom, no lawyer, no District Attorney:
There is You;
And there is more than them to listen,
judge and pass a sentence of permanence upon you and yours.


You have raised not just your blood relatives in such disregard for any life,
you have posted and approved the killing of every life,
from a bird, to a dog, to a rabbit for a ferrets sake?
This is where there is no joke,
nor redemption with any religion to rely upon.


Death is what I speak upon;
For I am well versed in what I know,
my experiences here have been lessons I wish to never face or become familiar with again.
To watch as each and every individual embrace Religion or Christianity with blind faith,
yet scoff at the warnings of the other side being deceitful, dangerous and wanting.
I wash my hands of your stupidity and tell you of only factual history,
which proves my case beyond a reasonable doubt.


Each of us is in possession of mind that is capable of reason,
of understanding, of idea's, original or not.
We can go to the public library and read on the subjects,
or Wars of the past,
to learn that War is not or should not be the answer we seek.


To destroy another country to protect our own beliefs,
is to bring down the destruction upon ourselves,
for there will be no protection from what will naturally happen when men and women,
abandon their posts to fight Wars in foreign lands.


Upon return, with nightmares that wake the dead,
you scoff and put down the very Warrior that fought for the liberty of your head.
For in the countries we have been in late,
a Guillotine is still a common sentence used for the disobedience of the public at large.


So, help me or help me not, the choice is yours and the might is mine.
Make jest of whom I believe to be my Twin Soul,
shall meet the wrath of the one who came, was born and will destroy you for the lack,
of a dream, from a girl that was able to survive a life of turmoil.


All because she believed in a boy and he so happens to be the boy,
grown into a Man that I may announce with such pride.


Had I still possess my Soul,
had my mother not bought it with the blood of her own sacrifice with the Devil himself,
then you would have merely been a Soul Mate.
However, lacking a Soul completely has drawn in yet another need from an unknown girl.
A girl that has lived and survived a life of disbelief.


Yet you mock, you toil, you spew words of hatred because you cannot stand that I do.
The reason or the lack there-of that our meeting will or will not happen is not up to you,
the most unfortunate and ignorant beings that spit upon my name and rail upon his fame.
Our meeting is up to "Chance" itself,
this is why the excitement, the "Limerence" it has been called,
but to me he is only the C.D. Plan, hatched when I had no design or idea of how to heal,
what had been ripped from my very being, my children.


So, in the end it is Death where you will find my glee,
for no one person will escape the greetings waiting for them just a few feet into the beyond.
That is where I know your life will just begin and my pain will begin to end,
for in the judgment of lies, of jealousy of lack of morals or moral standings,
in the inability to take a look at what it is you profess,
these things that you lack will be one of the first things that you confront,
with not Men and certainly not Women,
but with the finality of knowing that Demons walk you too.


The actions therefore belonging to only one man:
Is only the dream of a girl, looking for a boy that sings the same song,
the same lyrics or words are what draws my attention to such a person,
what about YOU?

A Four Year Olds Dream!! It was mine, a Cinderella Story for me to hold onto to that I believed to be real!

The life in you is the death I see,

murder, rape molested and beat.

All I know is this is what I have reaped.

I wished so hard for my One to be,

I could not have been more than three.

I held my hands clenched so tight,

thought of you and held onto

"I'll grow-up, he will find me"

The Boy that dreams, I'm here you see.

I held so tightly to myself.

Left alone unless the price,

for my Ass was sold so high.

That's what gave me company at night.

During days I could not compare,

chased and bruised both here and there.

Take my Life?  I could not dare!

There is a boy that is waiting for me out there.

Holding to our mutual being,

I remember first time praying,

"Hold in truth for me, this boy means oh so much to only just me."

By the time we meet you'll know,

I will need a Knight to go.

Conquered all they tried to do,

I was well under the mark of Ten.

As each year grew for me,

I prayed so hard for that boy to see.

He will know, he'll feel me!

I just know that he can tell.

A Twin Soul I'll need to trust his call,

not by name but by song he'll sing.

Music will be the Old and True,

Match my story tune for tune.

He won't scare me, for I'll not know,

his approach will be nice and slow.

I was Four when I wished so hard.

For my match to light my card.

Burn my name and number too,

that way the truth will ring through clean.

No lies, no tricks, no trades they'll make.

Sold to Men by no mistake,

but, I will listen, I may be mute.

My ears will hear for my voice is loot.

Silence will pull, my words will claim,

if its true and not a game for claim.

By then this Boy, a Man by then,

will be what I've needed from the begin.

He will not falter at the thought,

of my family when they say I'm bought.

He'll move with stealth and magic ways,

he won't falter at their gates.

My confidence will never wane,

I just needed to make it past Ten.

After that he'll hear me clear,

and one day soon he'll come without fear.

Pick me up and hold my hand,

take away all that I am.

Put what they have done away,

into the places that people don't pray.

I wait and stay so very still,

for when I was small I knew the thrill,

would be by no mistake a till.

But this boy, my Man won't give or drill,

a hole in me to kill me dead.

All he'll say is Twin Soul made.

"For me, it's her, for her, it's me."

Stand back dear World and know this girl,

the Cinders burn and she must turn,

to me, her man I was a boy,

I felt her plan, I hold her hand.

She will be my wife you see,

for she will be safe with me.

My Life is over without her here,

for I am that One, she dreamt of me. 

Know Faith, Know Truth, Know Trust!

For Death Court is not a contract of Faith,

it is not a belief, nor is it written.

When you pass from one realm to another realm,

it is located in the dimensions of which you will cross.

Without mere directions of loss, you stand alone,

alive and held in a force of judgement and the worse.

Fear not what you cannot believe or comprehend.

To conceive the simplicity of pulling a number to stand your turn,

out does the ridiculous of/or, of the Heavenly version of what is a lie.

In Christianity, you will find the Con which channels the Evils from within your core.

In Death Court there is always more.

To stand your ground in defense of your life,

delivers you an opportunity to "Knock Twice."

Once to announce yourself,

and once to know your wealth.

The lies and the excuses you begin to make from here are your undoing.

You have wiped out lives and shelved the existence of Hope willingly, to destroy on purpose with design.

Your constant burn of Human Beings,
 turns what you have created into and onto itself; Personally.

This will be the indignity of which you will endure.

The Millions of turns that each and every person makes to avoid

the contact of what must be; this is your cursed legacy left behind by; See?

This is what will burn you into the everlasting moments of time itself.

The joke you make of Spiritual Belief,

has left this Earth in agony.
This weighs heavily upon my chest.

No health in the Air,

No breeze flows for free.

The cost is what has killed the imagination of

Love and Compassion for healing of any kind from thee.

The oversight of a person, of a Human Being,

pressures each of the people to See what is not, but, should be.

It is the blindness that is your choice, not your need.

You decide what will be your next Might.

Heed the Death you will not see.

For it creeps up gently, with silence in it's repose.

So quietly he arrives, with certainty he stands

to take from you the life you had in this land.
The projectism of every Man will no longer be your mirror or reflection to deflect sin.

My life is not for Knot!

It is the way that Nature spies the Truth on whom has perpetrated the crime,

upon my Youth.
Time will tell, nature has made that clear, my choice in this was dear, but, it was taken by Creation.
The story will be told, regardless of whether or not I am bold.
This is the force of what we refer to as "Natural Disasters."

To survive a horror is only one count on the very many steps that must be taken just to be able

to arrive at such an age that will allow Nature, my Mother, to grace me with the Wisdom to be.

These are the capabilities delivered by her,
 so that I may be able to decipher this twisted mess of a life
 that I have lead thus far on this Planet of ours.

What has happened thus far has been what is Natural to me,
it is however unnatural and uncomfortable for many others that slip in for a listen or a read.

This Tale of Woe is the reality of my life below,
 the radar that money does cover, is the Umbrella almost like their lover.

If the survivor can make it through to Forty Years Old or so,

the people who want her dead, may withdraw such ideas in their head.

Paranoia does not rule in such a natural affair,

for the accord is now beating to a more natural and very different tune.

Age becomes your perimeter as a natural dignity is gifted to you to compliment

what has been graced to you in this life by Creation herself at your birth.

No longer does Death scare this life,
which I call my own.
The one that I cannot or have not been able to live,
free from my family and from other predators that I.D. me so easily.
A lesson that has been difficult to learn,
when you cannot know that you have been taught to be the garbage can or the Scape Goat, you see?

The Parents and the like still do not wish or want to be discovered in this Life.

Denial runs the temperature of the intensity that must be part of my continual survival.

The wish or want from those figures of parental guardians to destroy the innocent,
is powerful, frightening and scares any good man at night.

They do not want to be held accountable for their Cons,
or, their Adulterous Ways, their lies of the Ministry and their lies to all.

They do not want to be caught or assumed to be thieves of the Old or the vulnerable fool.

My family wishes to suffer no shame at all,
spouting, "It's just a game." Don't take it so seriously.

My Mother, my Step-father and the like, all utter the same type.

They will go as far as to Contract by name, to hire a guarantee,
so that this will be considered as a way to silence the Voice,
but the Voice is Me and I object with prudence.

Silence the voice or the one that speaks out for the DEAD,

THE SUICIDES and the DYING,
when you step forward in this way, then you will know that threats do stay.

To those that have run and or hidden themselves from me,

it is obvious to all that they too are in agreement with the original rip-off: The Con!

Of all the past victims as well.

Whether Life brings justice or whether this justice is found in Death.

The Gavel will slam the same,
upon the desk or even the Guillotine will be the noise of finality.

To prove that guilt goes beyond your sin and into the lands of the begin.
I speak with the authority of a girl that has seen.

Assumptions of right or wrong are judged,
they are judged harshly in the Courts of Death.

For in the Courts that name the Laws against taking Human Life,

this is where you stay, until the verdict of your life is granted with the sentence of permenance.

Not by strife or length of time, but by the ones you fear and light candles to keep at bay,
this is the Demon and the Spirits, it is their Lair, their Dungeon, their Courtroom, their Rule.

Think twice before you decide to judge another,
 by deciding you can define the levity of judgement,
 with the clarity of only a brain using 10 % of its natural capacity,
 to determine the fate of another, the fate of a peer.
You are not qualified and you should fear.

The removal of a life,
something you never gave to the one that you have decided to take away.
 This same one you are charged to judge, as a juror, as a peer,

will be the greatest decide of any year.

These crimes which you rationalize away,

you cause me to giggle at your lies and comprehension of what cannot be understood,

the actual individual, the one who has been  placed into your hands for the determination of their fate.

You must have a forked tongue,

even the beatings on tape, that play on U-Tube,

as a Judge whom sits on a Bench of Authority to pass sentence on anyone at anytime,

is able to be free of what they sentenced me.

Removed my children, at 10 and 12 years old,

for much less than that could ever be,

I cannot even compare to he.

No Judge am I, a Mediator I am not and lie did she, in Sacramento, California.

But Steven Weasels took from me my children with glee and lies, he won, I lost, now five years are gone.

Worry? I do not.

For all that will be, has already been done.

My comfort in my own painful days, is simple the patience that brings to light this simple line, so tight.

Not one of you is immune from DEATH,

nor does the door swing both ways for you to explain your deceitfulness in this life.

Two Coins placed upon the eyes,

to pay the Ferrymen.

I know this is a lost reform and wish to speak to you the truth,

your passage has been denied, for the practices of Old have been mocked and are done no more,
because you believe in lies and not tradition.

Good luck to you and yours,

you will be trapped in the Hollows of what Death and Life will never be,

ended with your lies of liberty, replaced with Zombies and the like.

Watch,

"The Serpent in the Rainbow"

Screaming will be for you tonight.
For me, for the first time, maybe I will be alright.

Good Nite

My Man, I do not know, it's true.

The pace of destructive means,

flowing freely from Family Genes.

So, easily mistaken for what to be,

the future Horrors of all of thee.

While you close your eyes to see,

the Nightmares that haunt my being.

You will bring upon yourself a curse,

darker, deeper than even Hell could loose.

Your interest in such superficial; SEES!

Your lack of care or want to need a guide down there.

A Muse to lead for you into,

the Light-less Manor of Lords that do.

Spooking, rules from Olds and Fools.

Round-up the end of all your tools,

No, King James Version of the Bible will rule,

for in Revelations, Satan's defense:

He rules, down upon your very brains.

Soul-less, Heart-felt hatred of,

nothing more that lack-of-love.

I've been taught since DEATH began,

to take my life, I did not begin.

Stare because I still do,

a lifeless body, myself it's due.

Recognize the breath I held,

there was no air that moved in there.

WHY? or WHAT?

Had I done to dare,

such a sight that haunts me each and every night.

Not one sunset does bring relief,

when your memory rings this reap.

Beelzebub Welcomes You!!

The strength of some, threaten the few.

A muscular mind with remembrance like mine,

'causes shaking with no Timbering behind.

Over Forty Years of Con Artistry it's true.

Taken money, Souls and your lives too.

No regard to the cost of such,

for lack of empathy delivers this lust.

Where shall such cruelty end

Pleading, Stupidly and then saying, "I didn't know what you meant."

Accountable for more than I can even declare.

Death Court logs such cases down their.

Do not stare! Or, have a wistful hope.

Your Age doth show, any lack of Sincerity oozes from your pores.

An Ancient even finds he has risen to see this kind of destruction,

"The Wipe-Out of HUMANITY."

Not causes by evolution but from the need to abuse.

Parental Sociopaths Being's beat us till we need nothing.

Thinking or rather knowing that DEATH is empty and not a YOUTH!

These are assumptions of such disgraceful dare.

I can hardly wait until you visit down there.

The group of cell's inside your mind,

will expand and find their wind,

around the useless Brain of Now,

where only 8 - 10 percent is found.

Enough for you today,

just so you can walk around and say....?

Curious this percentage used,

just so you will be able to do.

The Simple, The Shallow and the depths do evade,

even your Mind seems to disobey.

Why would words not spoken and letters replace: O.M.G!

Allow your brain to express with "All Caps."

Unless the plan, and, grand it is,

was dis-evolving with such; As is!

No Pain, No Gain, No Words Explain,

the shallow, the lack of any disdain,

for the easily, lazy ones who think they entertain.

U-Tube is not a fucking game.

SET Back, GET out! And flame yourself,

attract to you the very unhealthy,

to bring you down, expose yourself,

with what you utter, all because it is your druthers.

I will laugh! Ed will SCOFF!!

The rest of ours have just ran OFF.

Showing pictures or videos and like,

is not outing what we fight,

it just makes U-TUBE work hard at night.

Remember my words. My Brother was clear.

Blood is Blood, all else is to be Seared.

Not related, not a friend, not a person to even Win.

Keep your own away from me,

for in our order there's only SEE!

For my experience in life's lessons are hard,

it has been so difficult to go so far.

So support from within, my family says "You are a Sin."

A blast of air to breath again,

it's Hot and Tears roll from them.

I will not run, so do not dare,

I was Four Years Old and knew,

that its your life and my promise to expose comes from then.

Good luck! You need more than you know.

My memory is long and I've gone slow.

Mixed up with what believes and sees,

that I am unique and my reason completes.

The only question of why I go,

 is to be inside your show,

just to escort you to deep below.

Death Court waits:

Keeps me going to know your SIN,

one day soon you will meet them.

Lucifer, Satan, the Devil too,

all they do is wait for you.

Hoot Owl Question?

The horror of reality cannot be what takes your life from you.

Can what has not happened to you,

be a reality not known?

Should your life be full of;

No Nightmares, No Shame, No Guilt, No Guile:

Would you know Compassion or even "Free Will?"

Would you know,

How to be kind?

How to be real?

How to be observant?

True? Honorable? or even Moral?

Could your lack of experience,

be your own undoing?

Your bleed, so to speak?

Do you only relate to what you believe yourself to know as pain or discomfort?

If you stubbed your toe,

and I broke my back:

Would you assume you knew the amount of pain I would be in?

Basing it on the worst thing that has ever happened to you?

"Stubbing your toe?"

Could this entire theory be explained away as easily as that?

Are you or could you be that gullible?

Or is it stupid?

Some people can never heal from the words have been said to them.

Words spoken at such a point of influence (Infancy/Childhood) in ones life,

Words so powerfully said at such a point in time, a crucial point, could make a difference,

to that particular individual.

They would never heal because they would never be believed.

You cannot explain what others cannot comprehend,

based on the "Stub your toe," theory.

Can Human Beings only understand by what has happened to them personally?

Where does retrospect fit in?

Should you chose such ignorance, would you know that when you said,

"Just get over it,"

you sound idiotic? And in reality,

you are in essence announcing your I.Q. or lack thereof?

Compassion?

Is this learned? or is it ingrained into your D.N.A.?

Love?

If not had in infancy, can you ever know it as if it may be a natural affection?

Or, are you only stuck with the definition of such?

Can you read this short, easy blurb,

and have natural understanding?

Or, must you look up the definitions of these words,

that I have used here to know that you have no idea of there meaning?

Do you assume that you can comprehend this?

Without the use of or the faculty of thought?

Because just the word assume should let you know this one last thing.

"The joke is on you, not me."

I am a Riddler, not a poet, not a genius,

nor a savant or maybe worse a Genius Savant.

I am only righting the wrongs in my life!

You might try writing the ones in yours.

Dangerously Blunt

To speak of what you know,

the casual will show,

a gentle wave good night,

to wake up what is right.

A play for those in places,

of cities and the like,

will only ration likelihood,

of ventures in the night.

A treasure what's not hidden,

in plain site for all to see.

Will cause the point that's driven,

for just the you in me.

Sex can be our  ringer,

 the phone is always near.

To call the sexual stinger,

that delivers more than dreamt.

For in the moment of the thought,

I must not find you running.

Simply 'cause you say a lot,

can be your loss, dear friend.

I ponder the future dreams,

if time will tell the truth.

Do Men of desire come wanting,

to watch or see what to do?

Some of us are voyeurs,

some they speak in words,

receive the education,

a diploma, it does work!

An appetite is filling,

with dungeons and the lairs.

Do you have what's telling,

to bank us 'round in there?

It does not matter what it costs,

for luxury is best.

When beauty of the mind,

lends to lusting of this kind.

The ones that are so different,

and bored with all new ways.

 Interest is not lacking,

for even this one stays.

To keep our selves free from sin,

to never argue from within.

Our deepest, darkest wish to be,

with ones like you, I see.!! My interest, it is growing...

So, on I march and think of tarts,

to see myself again.

I only know what when I'm shows,

an interest in what's been.

To do a star,

as you should like,

a heavy drink or two.

I only know what I read,

and all I read is you.

Tonight I feel like it's surreal,

to imagine a note in tune.

For sexual pleasure comes with measure,

and I'm waiting for only you, but I am sure that at least one other may be due.


Does this interest You?

Standing for Justice is not a crime. It is a risk!

I survive a life of disbelief. My mother was right when she told me at a very young age, no matter what happens or how much time passes, no one will ever believe you if you try to tell your side of the story.  My step-father would say that if I went to the authorities that I could not prove anything that he had done to me.   I have never gone to the authorities for any of what has happened to me.  Why bother to do anything with the law.  I was born into this nightmare, I would not know how to prove any of the abuse I suffered anyway.  I really don't know any different or have something healthy to compare it to. 

Cult leaders are real and very damaging to their offspring.  If we are not able to find justice in this world, than how do you find retribution? 

I can express myself and have been blessed with some intelligence that makes me capable to go day by day, slowly making my way through this madness.  Each passing day is getting me further through the nightmare that was created for me and that makes me that much closer to holding them accountable in a public venue just like this one. So I guess I am progressing regardless.

Never under estimate the fight that an adult child belonging to a malignant narcissistic person will put up.  Never tell them that they cannot do something to stop the abuse or expose the torture. Never walk into that persons life and say that you knew that they had had a terrible childhood and then turn your back and walk away.  Never tell them that you witnessed their step-father hitting you so hard that the welts on the two year olds arm made them cry and that that girl was you.   Never tell them that you were witness to the severe neglect that they suffered as a child and then do nothing to support their trying to come to terms with the abuse.  Never come back into that persons life just to say to them that you knew they had secrets as a teenager  and then continue to tell them that you knew back then that they were hiding something from everyone. Never tell them to just accept the fact that this has all happened and to get over it, its done, and you cannot change the past, grow-up.  Never talk behind their backs, gossiping about their lives.  Never steal their children from them, it is unkind to do to an already devastated human being.  And by the way it has a name, it is called Parent Alienation.

With this being said never go on with your life and believe that the person you have done this to, the person that is now the adult child of a monster, will ever let the wrongs you have committed against her or her children go unaddressed.  Never assume that since there is no fight against their family that one day there won't be a fight against you.  Never assume that after you use the adult child of a malignant narcissist for your own gain and for your own use of narcissistic energy, that the day won't come that they will not stand up and say enough is enough to you.  It is one thing to put up with so much from one's family, it is quite another to be the garbage can for other people that prey upon you.   Why would I allow those people in my life that have harmed me off the hook?

I will continue to speak out and tell the public that narcissists, malignant narcissists and enablers need to be exposed for who and what they are doing to innocent lives.   People like the ones that I have known will never stop their destructive ways and who knows you may be the next victim. 

In the end it begins to make sense to me why nobody that I knew helped me to come to terms with the severe neglect and abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents.  By helping me to expose my family for their abuse against me, these so called "Friends" would be exposing themselves as monsters too. It seems that until you can begin to identify the problem you attract more of the same in your life. So, not having any place to go to spend a little time healing right now in my life has proven to be very difficult, but I guess I should have expected it.  I mean, really, the push towards homelessness is selfishness on their part. My so called friends just do not want me to expose them  and put them into the same category as my mother and step-father.  If I was ever to find a stable environment then god knows what would happen, I might get well and begin to blog about them too.  I might even become successful as an advocate against the narcissist, malignant narcissist and enabler still at large.  I would be able to put things together and write the book that exposes the lie that is the life they are leading as well. I may be able to recover all that I have lost.  I know that people of this low and bottomless character believe that because you cannot see the abuse they perpetrate daily on human lives, that they can get away with it due to its subtlety. I know that they giggle to themselves, touting how intelligent they are and how proud they are to cause such despair and strife with the person right in front of them.  They revel in the fact that they cannot be caught, this is arrogance on there part. 

Who better to expose Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists and Enablers than the offspring of such monsters.  The author of the book  "People of the Lie," should know that he could study my family and have many of his unanswered questions answered.  Evil is up and running and I encourage any interested parties to study it. Just know that it never changes, it only evolves. They have become pathologically morbid over the past five years.  I do not doubt there words and neither should you discount what you may face should you choose to pursue this investigation into the study of what is truly evil, my family. I spend much of my time being aware of what they are capable of doing to me again. These are the words of my sister, communicating to me on Facebook. These are her posts to me, my eldest sister, Tamara:

  "....mom really is an abuser, especially concerning you. stay away from her...i don't understand why any mother wished so much ill on her own children, but she does'."

"she has lied and i just don't know how papa let her continue for so long...or why."

"and by the way...of course i know what she did....and she wants to do it again."

A short study of my own life would prove very quickly that I know personally how this is all played out in the daily life of one of these monstrous human beings. Being knowledgeable is paramount when facing such destructive behavior your entire life. My past confirms that I have had a lot of experience with these types of people.  This is very important and extremely crucial to the independent person that is going to take on such a task as exposing them to the public.  As soon as these very deceitful and rotten people know that you have turned on them, that is when you really begin to see the face of destruction and evil  itself.  For they cannot stand to loose.  They must win at all costs.  Being wise to this fact should bring a reality into your life that will sober your ancestors in their graves as we speak.

Bringing to light this diabolical behavior that I have endured for so long seems to be empowering my life.  I will finally be able to see why I am the continual target of these narcissistic and malignant narcissistic people. I am hoping to stop the abuse from the family regime.  Who better to stand and preach against the wrongs of society putting up with these monsters, than the daughter and Granddaughter of ministers that has been in public service since  birth.   Naturally having a talent or propensity as a motivational speaker, identified by the very people whom she will confess, makes this even more interesting to witness.  Who better to push the envelope and regardless of the threats that come into their life will continue to write and to walk the path of justice, than the daughter of a malignant narcissistic or medically known as a Sociopath cult leader.  Who would have more information and be able to undo what has been done to you, if brainwashing is what you suffer from, than the daughter of the brainwasher herself.  Who better to decipher the language spoken by narcissists and malignant narcissists alike, than the daughter that had to become so well-versed in what was not spoken or she would be beaten by the step-father beginning at a very young age. Who better to step up to the plate in life and swing away, than the scapegoat daughter of a malignant narcissistic cult leader from the sixties that is still up and running the con who is continuing to impose the lie on other peoples lives today.  Who better to stand and speak publicly than the mother of the children that were taken from her, given to a monster and left to be tortured by the torturer herself, my mother.  Who better can be the one who says to you, my children need help, they are in the fight of their lives and nobody will help me to help them to get away from these monsters today.  This active and diseased lifestyle that is lived by my mother and step-father will not heal on its own accord, it will only fester and destroy more evolving as it progresses.

The restraining order that my step-father , mother  and half-sister put against me is conveniently up in March of 2012, when my son is a Senior in High School. So in the five years since they have gone to live with their father, three of those years they have spent at my mothers for extended amounts of time.  I hope that you never suffer at the hands of a Malignant Narcissistic person. As an F.Y.I. they will never stop the attack on the offspring or the person that stands for difference and change. However, thankfully I have the natural skills to defend myself. Nature has afforded me this small favor. 

We are not inept as the offspring of these monsters but rather have evolved in order to survive. We are the next generation, for better or for worse, nature has seen us through successfully.  Just as evolution evolves over millions of years, we have progressed naturally in one generation. Do not dismiss us and do not deny us without reminding yourself that we are the flesh and blood of monstrous creatures first.  Nature would not birth us to the very monster without preparing us to be the more intelligent and possibly more deceitful of the two.  This makes much more sense to me, than thinking that we are incapable victims of our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters or step-parents.  We are just horribly hurt individuals that are under constant attack from the people that have raised us and have a thirty year jump on our lives. They never stop the abuse, it just becomes worse and the torture unbearable. We, the offspring of, can be wise in our actions before we too step forward with our own judgment of humanity though.

 So while my peers enjoy a day at the beach or a pleasant vacation, I spend my days working through the reality that only a flashback can deliver to you in full and audible horror.  I am healing from the very real and abusive life that I have experienced.  Not so I can go to the beach or on a vacation, never acknowledging the horrors of my life and the damages that my family has now done to my children.  I am healing so that I can continue to move forward and move up the ladder of success to become the voice of the innocent to stop the abuse.  To expose to the public each and every  person that has perpetrated such heinous acts of destruction upon my life and the lives of others that are now dead.

I have been told by the Christian regime that we are only here for our own pleasure. If we are not here for any other reason than to pleasure our own selves with life, I then accept that gracefully, however I believe that people who think this thought are full of selfishness themselves and what kind of judgment would you pass on them if you knew their names?  I simply announce to whom may be interested, that the pleasure I get out of life is the free writing and the exposure of the person that is selfishly living the life of the lie.  I enjoy telling you that I am excited today because I am still alive and did not have to think about the people that have committed suicide over my mother.  I enjoy telling you that I am pleased that I have survived so much and I really enjoy the fact that I can share the snuff I experienced at a very young age that failed in its attempt to take my life.

I will or will not write a book about the terrors of my life, who knows and really who cares in the end other than myself.  By blatant disregard every person who reads or has heard my plea is responsible in this life to stop the pain and the strife caused by these monsters that actually seem to be everywhere it seems.  Children disappear everyday, some are murdered, some are lost and some are never found. I write because I can and it makes me know that I exist, I am a life and I do matter, if for not just myself, for the children that no one has ever heard from due to their mystery deaths or simple disappearances from society at large. I had one person tell me that I wrote a piece of poetry that has stuck in his head and caused him nightmares.  He cannot get me off his mind. I write what comes to my mind, it is not something I re-read or edit, it is just raw and flows much like a conversation would should you ever meet me.  This way  I can work out the anger and rage that I have towards the people that have harmed me and my children thus far.  Why be silent anymore.  The reason for silence is to protect the lives of others, I have no one to protect anymore.  It is now an open book.  Destruction can go both ways in life.  Some would say that by writing the wrongs committed against me or my children I am being destructive and vengeful.  I don't feel this way, but I accept that opinion as fact.  For I feel that lack of remorse, lack of pity, lack of compassion is more destructive to the daughter of a malignant narcissist than any other action can ever be.  This is because it makes her mother right in the end. People are not worth your time, nor your care of their existence.  I would like to feel as if my mother was wrong. But thus far she seems to have hit the nail on  the head. 

But, I believe in magic and with a little luck, I may be able to trust again, we will see how it all plays out, for the support of only one person could change it all for me in an instance.  That is what kind of person I am, I am not what my mother is, I am not a believer in her cult/church.  I am my own person, with my own opinions, I just have yet to be or see anyone that would like to show me everything that I seem to be missing.  I know evil well, I grew-up with it.  I just need to see and experience what is good so that I can know that it exists and is not just a ploy to destroy you further. 

Truth will win out in the end.  Good or Bad, it does not matter, for it is in the truth of things that you find the liberty to be free and to find the confidence to be yourself, whoever that may end up being.  It is difficult to be who you are in a World that judges, points fingers and says, "I don't believe you and I never will."

My quotes are for my Uncle and my cousin to know that I wrote five years ago.  Just in case he should happen across my blog , I want him to know me and what I have written for him.

"Silence is golden until you speak and then you go Platinum! "

"The impossible is the possible just waiting to happen."

Blind Sided by what has a 30 Year jump on me: Parental Figures!!

Blind-sided in a quiet field.

A peace that was found was blown away by that moment of reality.  Recovery is something we do to survive but as we begin to stand I become leery of all that is around me.

How can history repeat itself so easily? 

Is the end only a dam that will soon break too?

Will you be forced down a torrent wall of water smashing into rocks cutting you with the sharp edges? 

The sting follows as the numbness where’s off.  You go in and out of a comatose state wondering if you are dreaming or could this nightmare be true!!

Will the end ever arrive?

Does life ever ease you into a calming environment?

Or, just as its been, do you float aimlessly around in the temporary comfort exploring your newly found home? 

As you begin to warm in the comfort of your new home you feel that familiar yet terrifying pull.  At first, you do not strain but as this feeling becomes stronger and attitudes seem to be changing directly in front of you, your terror becomes horror.  As you realize the inevitable is about to happen!  The knawing teeth, the smashing wall of words, the impending fear of drowning is all of this madness is happening again!!

Is it him?

Why can’t life be kind?

How much must one bare before it becomes to much? 

Where is the limit found?

Where is the switch to turn “it” off? 

"Where is the gage to measure the pain?"

A sort of calculator to monitor what you know you can take.  So much frustration built up inside of me.  So much anger and fear.  The hope of knowing love seems completely lost.  Yet occasionally I tap into it and see the hope of knowing what may possibly be for me.  Those moments are precious and few, but they are there for me to experience and see.

"Will I ever find that fountain or just experience drops of joy?"

Communication and sharing are my weaknesses. Trust is my enemy.  My heart is buried in a deep and dark grave.  Afraid to be born, yet dreading an eternity of loneliness.  My mind is a mire of sadness and despair. I cannot find the words to express myself.  Chances and gambles are what I like to choose. There is safety there.  Living and breathing is what makes me feel alive in this world.