Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Reality can never be avoided, but it can be overlooked for kindness' sake!



I fight so hard to heal and yet I seem to still be in the mix of things.  It is so difficult to separate yourself from the same type of people you were raised with so long ago.  Another blogger said it so beautifully, "I was raised around these narcissistic people and now I live amongst them."  To be raised by monsters is one thing but to continually end up in the midst of their lives is quite another. I was glad to see that someone else faces the same challenges as I do.  In the meanwhile I made another error in judgment and relied upon the words of another human being to get me through a tough spot in my life.  They changed their mind .saying, "I don't want to do it anymore, it's different now." 

It is funny how monsters seem to speak the same creative language of blame, hate, projecting and negativity.  Everything is always your fault and the way they set up the conversations of the day almost brings you entertainment if it weren't so sick. They love to put everything on your shoulders.  Everything being anything that will draw a reaction from you.  In my case I have relied upon a person to keep their word about what they said that they would do for me.  I was extremely clear in the beginning and even said that I don't want to experience the change of heart, so if you don't think that you will be able to carry through, tell me now.  Being with a sociopath knowingly you have to take the good with the bad in order to get through.  I was able to hang in there for eighteen years, you would think I could make it a couple more months.

They love to get your goat by taking away what they have never given.  This only works when they have given anything at all.  As soon as you recognize or know that a sociopath is not free to give anything it helps your mind to navigate through what they have set-up as the daily grind of your existence.  Everybody pays a toll for everything, nothing is freely given.  I am all alone in this world and I am reminded of it everyday by a person that is kind enough to make me aware of my situation.  My family lives within 15 miles of wear I am temporarily staying. They have told so many lies in the past few years that it is disheartening to say the least.  To be reminded of your very sad life by a person claiming to be a friend during a very sorted time is such a grim reminder of what is just over the Golden Gate Bridge in the city by the bay.

I have the confidence that I will not fall prey to their constant barrage for attention. For I am reminded daily of the sociopaths behavior. It is hard when faced with the reality everyday that you have no one to speak to in your daily life.  That you are literally down to one person and in order to make new friends you would have to explain your current situation.  It's like living in a corked bottle.  Making friends at my age is nearly impossible to do, especially with the past that I am currently dealing with.  Each day is an adventure in how I will deal with the onslaught of flashbacks, triggers and unwanted words from the one last person in my life. Who, of course, is what? The same type of person that I was brought up with. 

So in order to break away from this present situation, I have to gain the confidence in myself to know that I will have absolutely nobody that I can call on the phone to say, "Hey, you want to go for a coffee?"  Its funny how we stay in damaging situations just so we will not be so absolutely alone.

I must take solace then, in the fact that I have a wonderful shrink who cares about my existence each week.  And that I made a promise to my youngest daughter that I would be the Mom of her dreams.  We are currently separated by my family and ex-husband.  I am all out of money for another court battle.  But I can keep going, one step at a time, regardless of what this monster said to me today.  I can continue to do the best I can each and every day.

Why is it so hard to shake free of these predators?  What is it that they get out of torturing us?  This one knows that I have absolutely no one that I can call or turn to help and yet he just says with such callousness, "That is not my problem, you are not welcome to stay here."  It's not like I don't know that I cannot stay here permanently, I am not a complete idiot.  But boy, oh boy does he like to rub it in.  All because he likes the panic in my face as I fret right in front of him about living alone.  I have been writing some very difficult and bitter truths about my life and I am afraid to be by myself because of all of the past threats of death.  He knows it because he has been in my life for the past five years as all of this ugliness has unfolded itself.  He knows every aspect and yet he will still say, "You need to learn to be alone, you need to just get over it and realize you are an adult." 

Why he feels the urge to tell me what I need to do, while he offers with one hand and slaps me with the other is just what narcissists do, so why should I be surprised.  He is projecting onto me what he sees in the mirror each morning, his own inadequacies and failures. 

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