BLOG from Me in 2001

Watch the walls fly up in a desperate attempt to establish a perimeter of safety.  I bury myself in a place no one can reach or will even dare go.  They will not go because the venom spewed from this place would corrode the armor carried by any good soldier.  No one! Nowhere! Will destroy or invade my very soul, Defense is the mortar and brick of my walls and the perimeter which I surround myself.  This keeps my enemies from entering or being able to conquer my soul.  I was right in my thought and wrong in my action, to trust any other soul.  At the heart of it, they are all mere mortals!!

The feeble men that walk today’s earth do not hold honor or justice in their grip; these are only terms or vague ideas once held in esteem by others.  Instead excuses have replaced morals. 

“I did not mean to?”

“It was not aimed at you!”

Just when I begin to believe, instinct slaps you and reality is not far behind to bite you!! 

Claim yourself, be strong, no mere mortal soul on earth can take such strength from your Will.  My mind will conquer; my soul will rule my own destiny.

Grace, Prayer, Faith, Belief, what possible comfort has this brought to the millions that believe?  I will tell you what it has brought to them, DEATH!! Death of mind, spirit, body and soul.  Why am I here? Nobody understands me!  Why am I always so polite and quite?  I know exactly why, because a response to an ignorant soul would be energy spent on a worthless cause.

My brain never stops, not when I am drunk, asleep, awake, at no time in my life does my mind just stop thinking.  Being mean to another, what does it express?  Unfinished thoughts or actions.  Why do we use this, as excuses to explain are very simple behavior? This is an excuse for our bitter hurt we feel deep inside of ourselves. Why is it that when we are hurting, we push away the people who seem to care about our well-being?  I do not know?

Will I die? Yes! When?  Sooner than I expect!  My body cannot handle holding the pain inside of myself.  Others are shut out and I do not share well.  My last will and testament would be,

Do not be haunted,

Live life while it is here,

Always be honorable to yourself,

And believe.

Believe in the impossible,

Never loose sight.

We are all human with human faults to live with everyday.  Compassion is a forgotten feeling.  Selfishness has taken its place.  You should be different, because it is as adventure in living our lives.  Be kind, to everyone you meet, they all have their own cross to carry, hold and bear.  Love is an emotion rarely found. When you find it, hold onto to it, for it is rare.  You are fortunate when you have found love; hold it as long as you can!  Short lived happiness, is better than happiness never lived at all.  You will never know what you are missing until it is gone. Silence, the most feared of all the fears, for silence equates with Death.  Death is the one reality, nobody can turn from, or hide from, once it is here, you can not go back.  You cannot go back and love, feel, give compassion or forgive. Death is final and felt with a force that the Dead themselves only know the reality of.

Hello Jim, hello Davy, hello to all you lost and dead souls.  Do you feel a brief connection through the manic strokes of my pen.  Are you desperately searching for redemption?  Look and receive!  The reality of your most morbid demise, you left those behind that you could have helped!!  Instead you made a callus move, the move of a coward, this drove you to take the one thing that you were given, LIFE.

Doesn’t it suck guys and gals; think about it, you could be enjoying the misery of life right now.  You could be feeling the aches and pains.  Instead, you have chosen the final destitute of foreverness without destiny.

But to my Papa, life is beautiful, full of faith, love, joy and happiness.  I have found comfort in your soul.  I love you and I really miss you.  Although your time on earth was done, I trust I will meet you again in the here after.  Confirm my belief; comfort my soul, in this I trust. I miss you so much; your soul on earth comforted my lonely spirit.  I draw comfort through the eyes of my son, inside of his eyes I see you.  The compassion passed on from you to me and in turn to him.  You live on inside of him.  You would be so proud of him; you would shine as you gazed upon him. 

One final thought, nobody would ever save you from your own nightmares.  You must confront your own fears, face them, turn from them and walk away from them.  For it is in the deepest corners of our minds that we will find the answers, our fears will become known to us, know them, overcome them, do not run from them. Sadly, I still do.