Reality of a Nightmarish Life

My mind races, 

all sorts of thoughts.

My heart beats,

a pounding sense,

increased panic.  

I try to reason,

rationalize my way through,

this onslaught of dangerous and destructive thoughts.  

Fear paralyzes me, 

I become lost in an irrational land,

filled with Flashbacks I rue.

Holes, ditches, rivers, mountains,

describes it best,

as if I have become a Mountaineer in Mind,

these flashes of my past come alive inside,

a life lived again.

Frustration ranks me as I seethe,

I do not want to experience today what happened so long ago,

time traveling in a moment,

so quickly these Scenes show.

Breathing is difficult though,

first I must recognize myself,

the difference in size,

I'm small, not an adult,

recognition, I give.

Patience 'cause it gets mean,

gang rapes, beatings, tortured,

I scream,

I am a Life, I am Alive, I am not an It.

Pacing in my bedroom,

I'm a kid,

I dread.

Next time they'll hit my head,

instead,

throwing boiling hot water from the stove right at my brother,

Scalding.

I hid.

Perverse,

I'm bothered,

where is my Father?

Do these memories fade?

Yes!!  Replaced!!

Just when you believe you have been able to find relief,

forget everything,

these horrors replay like a deed,

memories replaced by flashbacks

 dazed and disgraced I state;

I cannot stop my mind, 

it races in a marathon of a different time, 

a race for life itself,

not to just survive but to be Alive,

to tell, to speak, to be Well.

I am being submersed,

 in what has always been,

 so bizerk!!

I take my frustrations out on myself,

why has this life been dealt?

What is the purpose of these horrors?

Those closest to me,

the perpetrators of these crimes,

do they believe this was fine,

somehow Sublime?

Yes they do,

 as they rehearse upon you,

 they Preach at me;

"Get on your knees!"

"Plead to Our Lord for forgiveness, beg us to forgive You!!"

Screaming with such a boldness,

 I am told;

"We'll know when you mean it!"

"You're a Whore, a Sinner, a Liar, filled with a demonic require!!"

"The Demon of Silence possesses You!!"

The message never changed,

this is all so deranged.

Rearrange

Slow-down,

find the need,

somehow this replay, this repeat must be,

for Reason,

maybe just to remind me.

Am I healing by seeing once again,

that it is I that survived them?

I hate Christians,

I hate the message,

I hate the implication,

I hate the condemnation,

I hate the guilt placed upon a mind,

I hate the presumption,

I hate the double life lived by Religion,

I hate that killing in the name of G_d is an accepted path of redemption.

I hate their forked tongue,

I hate that this has all been done, to me, to you, to everyone.

I Hate and I don't want to,

it is so bad for you,

it's dues. 

Accountability

The Malignant Narcissist plays these games,

to create the energy they need to sustain,

it is simple profane.

I will not be that narcissistic energy,

I will not be your Scapegoat or Blame,

I do not accept your G_d or your Shame.

There will be a day in your life,

when seeing is believing,

where this absurdity is understood.

The Narcissist preys upon Humanity,

with a malignant nature.

Consciously they speak,

it's not just talk,

the words are meant to make you weak,

Your Life,

 "Becomes them" 

so they take it,

in Mind, in Body, and Soul.

This is their goal,

this is what makes them whole!!