Just me blogging and Dream of Mine. Or is it a nightmare I cannot wake from?

Blog from me;

Blind-sided in a quiet field. A peace that was found was blown away by that moment of reality.  Recovery is something we do to survive but as we begin to stand I become leery of all of this around me.  How can history repeat itself so easily?  How can God piss a rainstorm down on you?  Is the end only a dam that will soon break too?  Will you be forced down a torrent wall of water smashing into rocks cutting you with the sharp edges?  The sting follows as the numbness where’s off.  You go in and out of comatose state wondering if you are dreaming or could this nightmare be true!!

Will the end ever arrive does life ever ease you into a calming lake or another large body of comfort? Or, just as its been, do you float aimlessly around in your comfort exploring your newly found home.  As you begin to warm in the comfort of your new home you feel that familiar yet terrifying pull.  At first, you do not strain but as it becomes stronger the temperature begins to drop and your terror becomes horror.  As you realize the inevitable is about to happen the knowing teeth, the smashing wall of water, the impending fear of drowning is all happening again!! FUCK!! FUCK!!

Why can’t life be kind! Why can’t God back off! How much must one bare before it becomes to much?  Where is the limit found where is the switch to turn “it” off or the gage to measure the pain.  A sort of calculator to monitor what you know you can take.  So much frustration built up inside of me.  So much anger and fear.  The love seems lost yet occasionally I tap into it.  Those moments are precious and few.  Will I ever find that fountain or just experience drops of joy.

Communication and sharing are my weaknesses. Trust is my enemy.  My heart is buried in a deep and dark grave.  Afraid to be born again, yet dreading an eternity of loneliness.  My mind is a pile of shit that cannot find the words to express.  My feeling, I am, what seems to be stuck in a mass of confusion.  Chances and gambles are what I like to choose, live and breath, those make me feel alive in this world.